A/N I'm terribly sorry I had you all waiting for so long.
I've prepared a few excuses, but I'm pretty sure you're not interested in them, so just read and enjoy the next chapter. And review if you like what you read ;)
I hope I'll be able to update more regularly from now on.
Warnings: Merlin-centric, angst
It's a hard life
Chapter 8. Can't go on like this.
Merlin was pacing in Arthur's kitchen for almost twenty minutes now. He held his cell phone and chanted 'pickupppickuppickup' mantra into the receiver.
This morning when he woke up and went to the living room to wake Arthur and make some coffee in hope to ease his headache he found his friend already awake speaking softly to Morgana. When they noticed him they suddenly went quiet and looked at Merlin with eyes full of sympathy and sadness.
"What happened?" was all he could ask before he was swept into a hug by sobbing Morgana.
Soon after that Merlin's friends let him listen to the message from Will and now he was nervously pacing in the kitchen, while Arthur and Morgana were sitting quietly in the living-room, watching their friend through the door.
With every passing ring Merlin grew more anxious and he was clutching the phone tighter. When he first heard Will's voice in the message he was glad, but as soon as he heard the news about his mother, his insides went cold.
She was the only family he had left. Merlin's father died not long before his son's birth and Merlin had never seen him. Hunith had never remarried, so he had no siblings. It was hard enough to be this far from her when he moved to study and work in London, but he still could visit her once in a month or two.
The mere thought of losing her made his mind go blank and his blood turn cold in his veins. And the only thing that stopped him from running out of the flat and jumping on the first train to Ealdor was a quick chat with Morgana and Arthur he had before he could dial Will's number.
"Merlin, listen to me!" Morgana held his shoulders tightly and tried to shake him and make him listen to reason. "I know you're worried and so are we, but I need you to understand that you can't leave London, no matter what. Your case is in the court and if Aredian finds out you left the city, he'll use it against you in the court room."
"I don't care!" Merlin could barely control his voice without shouting. "She's my mother, don't you understand? I need to be with her, to make sure she's fine!" He was trying to shake Morgana's hands off and dial the number at the same time. That's when Arthur decided it was his turn to intrude.
"Merlin, calm down!" Arthur made his friend sit on the couch and pulled the phone out of his death grip. "First of all, we don't know your Mom's condition. If she has severe damage no one will stop you from going to her. But if she's conscious and stable, you should stay in London."
"But…"
"No, listen to me. Do you really think Hunith would want you to risk your medical career for her sake if she was fine?" This made Merlin stop struggling to get away from the couch and reach his phone. "I'm pretty sure you didn't tell her about sue, so if you don't want to worry her and keep your position in the Hospital, we should come up with a convincing cover up story."
When Will finally picked up the phone Merlin was ready to send his career and hid friends' best intentions to hell and leave for his home town.
"Merlin? Hey man!" was the first thing the tired and nervous surgeon heard through the line.
"How's my Mom?"
"Don't you think that if she wasn't fine I'd greet you with something else?" Will's voice was rather skeptical, so Merlin could relax a bit. His friend loved Hinith as his own mother, so if something was seriously wrong he wouldn't be able to be sarcastic. Unfortunately, Merlin was in no mood for joking, so his reply came harsh and cold.
"Why the hell didn't you pick up the damned phone then? I was worried she was…" he couldn't quite finish this phrase, as his throat constricted and he had to practically make his lungs let the air in. The mere thought about his Mom being dead or seriously hurt made the world around him turn gray.
"I'm sorry, Merlin, I forgot my cell at the hospital when I went to take care of your house." Merlin felt the pang of guilt at these words. It should have been him who took care of his mother, of the fire in their house and he felt even more guilty because of his outburst at Will who was always there for his Mom and Merlin whenever they needed help. He finally stopped running around the kitchen and sat at the table, putting his head down on the counter to let its cool surface soothe his reeling nerves.
"Sorry" he muttered softly "How's she?"
Will seemed to catch the sudden change of attitude, so he instantly became serious "The doctors told me she had several burns, though none that would need transplantation, she also breathed in a lot of carbon dioxide, so right now she has oxygen treatment."
Merlin breathed a sigh of relief.
"I'll call her doctor later, just tell how she is coping with all this?" he asked just as quietly. He felt exhausted from his nervous rush and all he wanted to do right now was to hug his mom and fall asleep, cuddled beside her, knowing she was fine.
"She seems fine to me, a little shaken, but she's already pestering doctors to let her go home and start the renovation." Will paused far a moment gathering his thoughts. "Are you coming to see her?"
There was a long and painful silence. Then Will heard a single word.
"No"
"What? Why? What can be more important to you?" Will was shouting and Merlin winced, but didn't bother pulling the phone away from his ear.
He waited till his friend stopped screaming closing his eyes tightly and banging his forehead against the tabletop several times. Didn't Will understand that Hunith was everything to him, and how painful it was to be away from her when she was in the hospital. If it weren't for Arthur and Morgana he'd already be on his way to Ealdor, but he knew perfectly well they were right.
There was just this one matter that his heart didn't always agree with his brain and that's why it was difficult for him to make this decision.
He didn't notice when the shouts on the other side of the line stopped. Merlin came back to reality only when he heard the simple question asked in an angry but leveled voice: "Why?"
It was like something broke within Merlin. He started rambling, telling his oldest friend about all the problems that seemed to appear all at once in his life. He spoke about cheating Freya and about the dying patient, about the sue and how he had to live with Arthur because he couldn't stand to see his long-term girlfriend anymore. His voice was calm, but inside he felt fury and anger and sorrow, so many emotions swirled in a wild dance inside his chest he felt like it was going to tear his heart apart.
"And then you call me to tell my Mother's in the hospital. Why do you think I can't go and visit her?" as soon as Merlin finished his tale he once again felt tired.
"Oh God, Merlin, I'm sorry" was all Will could muster at first.
"Yeah, I get that a lot lately" Merlin smiled bitterly. "Just don't tell Mum anything I told you about. I don't want to worry her. As soon as the trial is finished, I'll come and visit her and tell her everything that happened."
"Sure, I understand. But how will you explain you're not coming now?"
"I'll tell her Freya is at the hospital after a surgery and she needs me here."
"That cheating bitch! I know you loved her, but I never really trusted her." Merlin closed his eyes once more, trying hard not to recall the scene he saw in his own bedroom.
"I'd really rather not talk about her. Listen, could you call me back when Mum is awake, so that I could speak to her?"
"Actually, I'm right outside her room and she's awake. Do you think you're ready to speak to her?"
"Why shouldn't I be?" asked Merlin bewildered
"Merlin, you're an awful liar, especially when it comes to Hunith" this made Merlin smile for the first time since he heard the message this morning.
"Isn't that supposed to be a good thing? Anyway, I hope she won't be able to notice it this time and you are to help me make her believe my lie"
"Me lying to Hunith? It doesn't seem right." Merlin could clearly hear the smirk in his friend's voice.
"Like you weren't the one who covered all my awful lies" he teased and then added more seriously "Let me talk to her, will you?"
"Sure, bye mate. Make sure you don't get into any more trouble, okay?"
"I'll try, but I can't promise anything. You know me. And Will?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks"
"You're welcome, Merlin" after that the surgeon could hear some footsteps and muffled greetings from Will and his Mother. He was anxious to hear her voice, it would prove she was well enough to speak on the phone, but at the same time he was afraid she would read through his lies like she always did.
"Merlin?" Her voice sounded a little hoarse and tired, but the way she pronounced his name made something warm appear in his chest. He could feel some of the weight lift from his shoulders and a small smile appeared on his lips. It was a pathetic shadow of his usual wide smiles, but it was there.
"Hey, Mum." He said quietly. "Did you start smoking and forget to put out the cigarette before throwing it to the bin?" he hoped he sounded calm and teasing.
"No, Merlin, I just decided to make a fire in the middle of the living-room because my stove didn't work. Who knew it could burn down the house?" Hunith seemed to catch on his joke and if she could make joke, Merlin had almost nothing to worry about.
"How are you, Mum?" He asked seriously after her chuckles subsided.
"Is that what they taught you to ask at Med School? I guess the Scholarship Board threw its money down the wind." She teased again.
"Don't you worry, I'll call your doctor as soon as I'm done with you. Now could you just answer the question, please?"
"It's good to know my son doesn't forget to add 'please'." She laughed a little more and then suddenly got serious. "I know what you think and I want you to stay where you are. I feel tired and a little in pain, but doctors say it'll pass after some rest."
"I hope it will. And what do you mean by 'stay where you are'? What if I'm already half-way to Ealdor?"
"I wouldn't be surprised, but I hope you're not. I don't want you fussing all over me when I'm not an invalid." She paused and added after some thought, as if she was afraid to hear his answer "So where are you, Merlin?"
"Oh, don't worry, I'm in London. But as soon as I can I'll come to Ealdor to help you with the house."
"As soon as you can? What is that supposed to mean?" She sounded worried now. Great.
"Freya's in the hospital after surgery and I need to stay with her."
"What happened?" now she was definitely worried.
"Nothing serious, just a common appendix surgery. She'll be fine in a week or two. That's when I'm going to come and see you. I really hope you're perfectly fine by the time I get there."
"Oh, poor girl! You take good care of her, Merlin. And I want you to bring her when you come to see me." The concern in his mother's voice made him cringe. A few weeks ago it would make him smile, but right now it was like twisting the knife in his back. He needed to finish the call as soon as possible before he said something that would undermine his lies.
"Than it's a deal, Mum! You take care of yourself and get better and I make sure Freya does the same. And when you're both healthy, we'll come and see you." The cheery voice sounded fake to his own ears, so he prayed the God Hunith didn't notice it.
"Okay, it's deal. And don't forget to take care of yourself too!"
"I will, Mum"
"Oh! I almost forgot! Merry Christmas, Merlin!" he heard her smile and wished he could be by her side right now.
"Merry Christmas, Mum! Bye."
He hung up and banged his head against the table a couple more times. It was one of those moments when he felt like his life was a little too unfair.
He felt like screaming, but kept silent.
He felt like crying, but his eyes remained dry.
He felt like sleeping, but he had too many things to do.
So he dialed another number and talked to his Mum's doctor.
To his relieve, everything was far better than it could have been and than he already pictured it for himself. All his Mum had to do was stay in bed for a few days and then keep away from strain for a few weeks. All her burns were supposed to heal completely and she didn't have any internal damage or psychological problems.
After he settled the matters with Doctor Connely and asked the man to call him if anything changed for worse, Merlin's mind was suddenly blank with only one question shining in bright neon letters: "What caused the fire?"
Knowing there was no way he could deal with it right now, Merlin silently left the kitchen, crossed the living-room and entered his room , falling on the bed like a puppet with cut strings.
Of course, sleep wouldn't come to him, so Merlin chose to lie on his back, arms crossed behind his head and stare at the ceiling.
Morgana and Arthur watched Merlin go to his room like a zombie, but decided that everything was fine, seeing that he was not running out in his pajama to the train station.
Morgana, never the patient one, wanted to go and ask Merlin what happened, but Arthur stopped her. He knew his friend a little better and was sure that Merlin needed time to get out of his stupor before he could talk.
When morning slowly turned into afternoon, Arthur saw his sister to the door after she made him promise he would call her as soon as he knew anything.
The sun was on its way down to the horizon when Arthur was out of things he had to do. He had already cleaned the apartment after the party, washed the dishes, watched a few traditional Christmas movies and felt like he was going to blow up any second now.
So he quietly approached Merlin's door and opened it to look at his friend.
He was prepared to see Merlin crying, or watching old photographs, or pacing around the room. What he was not prepared to see was Merlin laying on his bed still as a dead man his eyes staring off into space. He didn't even notice Arthur was in the room until the blond settled on the edge of his bed. And even when he turned his head to look at Arthur he looked right through him.
"Hey, want to eat something? We have some last night's leftovers." Arthur suggested, not really knowing what to say.
Merlin stayed silent and only shook his head, turning it to stare at the ceiling once more.
I should have let Morgana speak to him, she's much better with this. Arthur thought belatedly.
"So how's your Mum? Seems she's well enough for you to stay in London?" Merlin stayed silent again, but nodded slightly, without even looking at Arthur.
"Alright, call me, if you need anything." He was about to get up and leave the room, when he heard a quiet "Please stay" from Merlin. He looked down at his friend once again and saw there was enough place on the bed beside him. So Arthur did the first thing that came to his mind – he lied down and scooped Merlin in his hands, pressing him tight to his chest.
Merlin wasn't crying, nor was he trembling, he was still for a moment, but then hugged Arthur back and pressed himself further into the warm and welcoming embrace.
The room was silent for a long time and Arthur was sure his friend was asleep long ago, when he heard Merlin whisper quietly into his chest "I'm so tired."
Arthur knew what he meant, but didn't say anything; he just pulled Merlin a little closer and tightened his hold.