A/N: Ok, the original plot for this, came from the wonder who is my bitch Clai [Ziny-DiNozzo] And I promised myself I wouldn't post this until I had all of it finished because I'm so crappy at posting updates but she twisted my arm, even though she's on the other side of the world, she's that powerful :P
I'm thinking 3 parts right now, but it may be more, depends on how long part 3 ends up being! But for now, enjoy, and review!
(And I am so so sorry for being rubbish at updating my MerAdds, my muse is gone, according to Clai my muse and her muse ran away to Canada and got married)
Things you need to know: Anything Addison/Men related didn't happen.
because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, you're my wonderwall.
~x~
Addison walked into the bathroom at the reception of the Burke wedding, she looked in the mirror and let out a breath before applying a little make-up, she stopped when she heard a sniffle.
"Hello?" she called out "Hello?" she called out again as she heard a whimper, she knocked on the door of the locked stall "Are you ok in there?"
"I'm fii-ine" she heard someone familiar choke.
"Meredith?" she frowned "Meredith let me in, please"
Meredith slowly opened the door to the stall, she was sat on the closed toilet, hunched over, clutching her stomach "I think I'm having a miscarriage" she whispered.
"Right, right ok" Addison stuttered "Should I, go and get Derek?"
"No" Meredith said tearfully "He doesn't know and, he ended things with me like, 3 hours ago so, I really don't want to see him right now"
"But…." Addison started.
"Please, can you just, take me to the hospital, please" Meredith whispered.
"Ok" Addison said softly "Ok, come on" she said holding out her hand, Meredith took it and slowly stood up "Have you got a change of clothes or anything?"
"I haven't cleared out my locker yet so, I still have some in there" Meredith said quietly "I, I need to tell Cristina I'm leaving, can, can you wait for me outside?"
"Of course" Addison said squeezing her hand a little "I'll pull my car up out the front"
"Thanks" Meredith breathed.
~x~
"It, it was a complete miscarriage" Addison said softly "I'm sorry Meredith" Addison said quietly as she put the ultrasound machine away.
"Don't be" Meredith whispered "No-one wants me for a Mom right?"
"Meredith" Addison said softly "You know that's not true, are, are you sure you don't want me to call Derek?"
"I really can't deal with his pity right now Addison" Meredith said quietly, she slipped off the bed and put her jacket on, she took a hair band from the pocket of her jeans and scooped her hair back into a ponytail.
"It looked beautiful down" Addison said tucking a fallen strand of hair behind Meredith's ear "You should wear it like that more often"
"Thanks" Meredith said quietly "And thanks for, doing this, I know you hate me and all so…."
"I don't hate you" Addison said with a slight laugh "I did tell you that a couple of months ago but you were kind of high on morphine"
"Oh god" Meredith said shaking her head a little "I'm sorry, for whatever I said, I really don't have a clue…."
"You said, you wanted Derek to be the one" Addison said quietly "You asked me how I knew he was and, you said you wanted him to be, but the truth is, he wasn't the one for me, I don't know who that is but, it wasn't him, but I, I really thought you were it y'know? For him, I thought you, I thought you'd be together for, a very long time"
"I don't even know what I thought" Meredith sighed "After the accident, things changed, he couldn't handle the fact that I didn't swim and I, couldn't talk to him about any of it, and that's important right? Being able to talk to the person you're with, but with him, I just felt like he was judging me all the time"
"Why don't we go back to my hotel room, order some room service, and talk" Addison said softly.
"I'd like that" Meredith smiled.
~x~
"Did you do it?" Addison asked quietly "Did you, drown yourself?" she asked carefully.
"Not at first" Meredith sighed "I was tending to a patient at the edge of the water and he freaked out, his arm flung out and smacked me in the chest and I fell back, he winded me a little so it was hard to stay up, but I was staying up, and I knew all I had to do was push that little bit harder and I'd be fine, but it was just one split second, one second when I thought, what's the point, and I stopped fighting, and then my head was under the water and, it was too late, it wasn't planned, it wasn't like I woke up every morning and thought, I want to kill myself, it was just one tiny split second decision, and, it changed everything"
"God Meredith" Addison said softly "I really didn't think you really, I didn't think things were that bad" she sighed "I knew you were a little down but, I didn't think it was…."
"You're saying it like it's your fault" Meredith said with a slight laugh "I've always been this way, always, I was practically invisible as a kid, which is why I acted out, got drunk, slept with everything with a pulse, died my hair pink, wore head to toe black, I did it for attention, I know that now, when I was young and my Mom would tell me I was attention seeking I'd tell her to go screw herself, but I know now that, all I wanted was for, my Mom to come home from work before midnight, hug me, and tell me she loved me for exactly who I was"
"Sometimes people just aren't cut out to be parents" Addison said softly "But I'm sure she loved you Meredith, she wouldn't have kept you so close to her if she didn't love you"
"I know" Meredith sighed, Addison slipped off the bed and took their empty plates, placing them outside the door and locking it behind her, she climbed back onto the bed next to Meredith, they lay down next to each other on the bed.
"I was pregnant once" Addison said quietly "Back in New York, it was, Mark's, Derek had been gone for a couple of weeks, I didn't really know, what I wanted, at the time I thought I was in love with him, but now I think about it, I wasn't really, I'll always love him, he was there when I needed him, but when I peed on that stick, I just, I couldn't do it, and then I found him in bed with someone else and, she wasn't the first, and I couldn't bring a baby into that, so I had an abortion, he's hated me for it ever since, and now, now I can't have kids, I've got 2 lousy eggs left and, it's just not possible, we're not all cut out to be parents"
"You'd be a great Mom" Meredith said stroking her arm a little "You really would, you have other options"
"I know" Addison said quietly "I just didn't think I'd be doing it on my own"
"Yeah" Meredith said sadly "Me either"
"Meredith what happened?" Addison sighed "I really thought you and him were, it, I thought you were, the one for him, Miss Right"
"Derek doesn't seem to have a Miss Right, he has Miss Right Nows" Meredith said dryly "I could see it coming, and to be honest, if he hadn't have done it then, I probably would have eventually, we're just not what we were, we never have been, when I first met him, those 3 months were, a whirlwind, they were fun and flirty and perfect, it was the dream y'know? But then he keeps ignoring his pager and his cell, he starts to act really, weird, and then we're down in that lobby and, you're there, and I'm not blaming you" she said quickly when Addison winced a little "It wasn't your fault, it was him, and I stupidly thought after everything we could get it back, but we couldn't, there was just too much water under the bridge"
"Yeah" Addison said softly "I shouldn't have stayed with him, I just, couldn't let it go, he was my husband and I loved him, so I stayed, but, I was stupid to think it would work out, I mean, there must've been a reason for him going absent on me right? I should've ended it long before I slept with Mark"
"I don't know how anyone can go absent on you" Meredith said stroking her cheek a little "I mean, you're, you! Kind, smart, funny, beautiful, you" she said softly "I mean, there's not many people who would take care of the woman who slept with her husband"
"Yeah well, you're kind of a hard person to hate Meredith Grey, believe me, I tried" Addison said with a laugh.
"I tried to hate you too" Meredith chuckled, she slowed down her laughter and let out a shaky breath.
"Hey" Addison said softly "What's wrong?"
"I just feel a little nauseous that's all, I'm fine" Meredith sighed "I just, can't believe this happened, I only found out about the, baby, yesterday, but I feel so, empty"
"I know" Addison said moving closer to her and pulling her into a hug "It's ok, it'll get better Meredith, it will"
"I hope so" Meredith sighed "Thank you" she said quietly.
"You don't need to thank me" Addison said softly "Just try and relax, close your eyes Mer" she said softly, she took the hair band from Meredith's hair and softly ran her fingers through it, and before long Meredith was asleep against her, soft snores escaping her, Addison carefully removed herself from Meredith's embrace, she grabbed the spare blanket from the bottom of the closet and covered her with it before changing into her pajamas and climbing under the blanket next to her.
~x~
Meredith woke slowly in an unfamiliar bed, stretching out a little with a yawn, she reached her hand up and rubbed her eyes a little, as Addison came out of the bathroom dressed in a skirt and her bra, her hair wet around her shoulders, her cell phone pressed to her ear, Meredith stayed still, simply watching her.
"Nae, I know I said I was coming out this week but, I'm having second thoughts….I know you need and OB but, this is a big deal, I can't just leave Richard in the lurch and I, I have people who need me….Naomi, I know….will you slow down" she said with a slight laugh "You know I'm only a phone call away….ok, I'll talk to you soon….send my love to Maya and Sam….bye honey, love you too" Addison put her cell on her dressing table and grabbed a towel from the back of the dresser chair, wrapping her hair in it and moving to the closet to pick out a shirt "I know you're awake Meredith" she said without turning around, Meredith let out a slight laugh "The snoring stopped" she said looking at her with a smirk.
"Oh god" Meredith groaned, sitting up and bringing her hands to her face "I'm sorry"
"Don't be" Addison laughed "I used to live in the middle of New York, and I've slept in beds next to Mark, he snores like a trucker, I can pretty much sleep through anything"
"Good" Meredith said with a slight laugh, she reached across to the bedside table and picked up her cell "Cristina and Burke landed in Hawaii safely, she says if she comes back to find me either sleeping with or moping over Derek we're not friends anymore" she smirked.
"Well, I'm sure we can work that out" Addison said as she slipped on a shirt "I'm guessing you didn't tell her about…."
"I'll tell her when she gets back" Meredith said quietly "I didn't want anything to interrupt her day, I don't want anyone else to know, just us three"
"Meredith" Addison sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed "I know you don't want too but, you really should tell Derek"
"I know" Meredith whispered "It's just, I don't want him to feel, obliged to be there for me, I don't need anyone else there, and especially not him"
"I know" Addison said stroking her cheek a little "Go and have a shower, we'll go to your place, I'll make us some lunch, and then we'll call him over, ok?"
"Ok" Meredith breathed, she slipped off the bed and moved towards the bathroom door "Addison?" she said turning back "What was that all about? On the phone?"
"When I was in LA I got a job offer, I was going to take it but, I changed my mind, I'm needed here so…."
"Addison if, if this is about what happened yesterday then…."
"It's not just that" Addison said softly "I have Bailey and Callie and, they're both going through some stuff right now, and Richard's not really being himself, I don't think leaving him without an attending is the best thing for him right now, you're part of the reason yes, but not the only part ok? So don't go feeling all guilty or anything"
"Ok" Meredith said with a small smile before moving into the bathroom.
~x~
"Hey" Addison said opening the door to Meredith's house to face a very confused looking Derek "Come in"
"Okay" Derek said slowly "What's going on?"
"Just come in" Addison sighed leading him through to the kitchen "Do you want a coffee or anything?" she asked.
"No, no I'm good" Derek stuttered "Where's Meredith?"
"Here" Meredith said walking in, sitting straight down at the table, Addison moved to sit next to her, Derek looked at them skeptically, Addison pushed out the chair opposite her with her foot, Derek sat down slowly.
"Meredith has something she needs to, tell you" Addison said slowly, her hand squeezing Meredith's leg reassuringly under the table.
"I…." Meredith started "I…." she started again, she looked to Addison and sighed heavily.
"Yesterday, at the wedding, Meredith had a miscarriage" Addison said softly.
"What?" Derek asked in a whisper "Are you serious?...No I mean, I know you're serious" he stuttered as Addison glared at him "I just, how long did you, what, how, I mean, I don't know what I mean"
"I'd only known for a day" Meredith said quietly "About being, pregnant, I'd only known for a day, and I was going to tell you, I swear I was I just, didn't know how, and then we were at the wedding and, something didn't feel right, so I went to the bathroom and, there was blood, Addison found me and took me to the hospital"
"God, Mer" Derek sighed "You should've called me"
"I know" Meredith whispered "I just, I needed some, time"
"I'm so sorry" Derek said quietly "Are, are you ok? I mean, is everything, ok? How are, you feeling?"
"A little nauseous but, ok" Meredith shrugged.
"It was a complete miscarriage" Addison said quietly "So she'll probably have a little more bleeding, and because of all the hormones she'll probably have a little nausea for a while, but in a couple of weeks, she'll be fine"
"You can go now" Meredith said quietly "I just thought, you should know"
"I mean, do you, need anything?" Derek stuttered.
"No" Meredith said with a saddened laugh "I don't need anything from you" she said standing up and leaving the room.
"She'll be fine Derek" Addison said softly "Her hormones are still everywhere but, she'll be fine"
"I feel like, I should be, doing something" Derek said quietly.
"Keeping it to yourself and giving her space is all you really can do" Addison sighed "She doesn't want your pity, she doesn't want anything from you anymore, she just knew you needed to know"
"And what, what are you doing, here? I mean, you're not friends so…."
"We're friends" Addison said quietly "At least, we are now, we did a lot of talking yesterday, and she needs someone right now, Cristina's on her honeymoon and she doesn't want to bother her, George is at his Mom's with Callie, Izzie's at her Mom's and Alex is, I don't know where Alex is but he's not here and, she shouldn't be alone, but, she doesn't want to see you, she needs some space from you, surely you understand that"
"Yeah, I understand" Derek sighed "Well I guess um, thank you, for, being here, if you need anything then, just call me"
"I will" Addison said as they both stood up, she walked him to the front door and said goodbye before heading upstairs, she slowly entered Meredith's bedroom and found her lying in the middle of the bed staring at the ceiling "Move over" Addison said as she climbed on next to her, Meredith moved over a little "He's gone"
"Yeah" Meredith breathed.
"You did good" Addison said reaching down and squeezing her hand "It'll get easier now"
"I just, don't even know what I'm feeling" Meredith breathed.
"Why don't we go somewhere" Addison said quietly, turning onto her side.
"Like where?" Meredith frowned turning to face her.
"Paris" Addison said with a slight grin "I have an apartment out there, I use it once every year, and never with Derek, just me, it's my place, it's beautiful, one minute walk from the Eiffel Tower, you can sit on the balcony at night and it's right there in front of you, we can drink champagne and eat chocolate and stuff, I can even try and get a private jet, go all out and abuse my trust fund"
"I don't want you to go to all that trouble, or spend your money on me" Meredith said quietly.
"Meredith" Addison said squeezing her hand "All I've spent my money on in the past year is a hotel room, and shoes" she smirked "And I'm not spending it on you I'm spending it on us, come on, we have 2 weeks to kill, what have we got to lose?"
"So we're just going to, go to Paris, just like that" Meredith said with a slight laugh "Can you speak any French? Because I really can't"
"Enough to get us by" Addison shrugged "So, you in?"
"I guess I am" Meredith said with a slight laugh.
~x~
Part 2 to follow….