It seems like my entire life has been filled with secrets. I couldn't tell people why I only had a mother, I couldn't tell you that I was in love with you. Then there was that night. Two months, one week, and five days ago. It was an unusually tough case, we were all on edge. Priester had taken that little girl from the carnival and we knew we had to work fast. We worked for three days with almost no sleep and were all about to crack when that shopkeeper saw them come in and recognized Cindy from her picture on the news.

We went back to my place after leaving the station, neither of us wanting to be alone. We made sandwiches and had a few beers. I knew you were upset, how could you not be? Cindy looked almost exactly like Liz did when she was little. You were venting, then sank into the couch, head buried in your hands. I sat next to you and reached over, not wanting to scare you off, but wanting to offer comfort. When my hand touched your back you looked up at me and you looked so lost, I couldn't help myself. I leaned forward and brushed a kiss over your forehead, then your cheek. You turned your head, caught my lips with yours. Your hands reached up, one sliding into my hair and the other cupping my cheek. I kissed you back, all of my feelings from the last 7 years spilling out.

We made love on the couch, neither of us worrying about protection. It was perfect, hot and angry, slow and comforting. Sometime during the night we moved to my bedroom and made love again. We didn't talk about it, somehow we both knew it was right. Kathy had moved out a few months before and you'd be divorced within a month. We knew that to continue, something we both wanted, we'd have to keep it a secret. Yet another one for me to keep.

And now I have another one. I was going to tell you, I swear I was. The day you…that day, I asked if we could talk. Stupid question, in the seven weeks we'd been together, we'd talked about everything. But then Billings pulled the gun. My heart stopped when I heard the shot and saw you fall. The next week is a blur. I spent every night at the hospital, every day there too. The third day, Cragen threatened me with subordination if I didn't go home, shower, and get some sleep. I didn't care, I would have been written up, if Fin and Munch hadn't physically taken me home. I know that I cried more in that week than I had in my whole life. I didn't sleep, I hardly ate. Cragen put me on leave at work after the first week, realizing that I would only hurt things at that point. Finally he must have called Casey, I don't know who else would have. She showed up at the hospital, after I'd been there for two weeks.

Casey walked into hospital, knowing the way to Elliot's room by heart. She entered the room and bit her lip, instinctively holding in the sob that threatened to escape. Elliot lay on the bed, looking for all the world like he was asleep. Or dead, a thought which made tears well in her eyes, only to be quickly blinked back. Her eyes immediately found the person she was there to see, the only one of her friends who she could help. Olivia sat by the bed, holding her partner's hand and staring straight ahead. She hadn't moved, not even a twitch when Casey entered the room, something the old Olivia Benson never would have done. Casey approached slowly as Olivia's back was to her and sighed, taking in the appearance of her friend. Dark circles stood out dramatically against the unnaturally pale skin of her face. Her hair, in need of root touch up, was so oily that Casey was willing to bet that Olivia hadn't showered since the last time Cragen had ordered her home. She'd lost weight that she hadn't needed to lose but the most frightening thing about Olivia's appearance was the fact that when Casey made it around the bed to look her friend in the face, there was still no response. It was as if Olivia Benson had simply checked out.

"Liv," Casey whispered, but as soft as her voice was it sounded like a shout in the room, which was silent save for the steady beep of the heart monitor. When Olivia didn't answer, or even blink, Casey sat down in the chair across from her. She reached out a hand which gently covered Olivia's. "Olivia," she said softly.

Deep brown eyes rose slowly to meet green and Casey could feel Olivia's pain wash over her. Olivia blinked but didn't say anything. After several minutes, Casey squeezed her hand gently. "When was the last time you went home, sweetie?"

Olivia's eyes remained blank for a second before confusion darkened them. "I…two days ago? Three?"

"When was the last time you slept?" Casey continued softly.

"Yesterday, maybe," Olivia whispered.

"How's he doing today?"

"Same."

Casey waited a few more minutes before trying again. "Olivia? Come on, let's go home, get you cleaned up, let you get some sleep. Maybe eat something."

Olivia shook her head. "I can't. He might wake up. I have to tell him."

"Tell him what, Liv?"

"I have to tell him," she whispered before redirecting her attention back to Elliot's body.

Casey sighed, formulating a plan. She stood up slowly and walked back around the bed. Gently she draped her black sweater over Olivia's shoulders. "Olivia," she said softly, crouching next to the chair. "You have to take care of yourself, Liv. You're running yourself into the ground and doing that isn't going to help him. You need to take care of yourself so you can help take care of him." When that didn't get a response Casey reached a gentle hand up to rest on Olivia's knee. "If he saw how you looked right now, what you're doing to yourself, he would be so worried, Olivia. You know he wouldn't want this."

"I don't want to go home," Olivia answered. Casey briefly considered beating her head against the chair, it might have been more productive. "I can't go back there without him."

Casey sighed, feeling her chest squeeze with unshed tears. "We'll go to my apartment. Just for a little bit."

Olivia paused, then nodded in a movement so slight that for a second Casey thought she'd imagined it. Olivia leaned over and brushed a gentle kiss over Elliot's forehead. "I love you," she whispered. They were words she hadn't had the courage to say before but now she said them all the time to him.

Casey stood and helped Olivia stand. She gently turned Olivia towards the door and with an arm around her shoulders, partly to comfort and partly to help hold her up, Casey led Olivia onto the street. Hailing a cab took less time that usual, something Casey was thankful for because Olivia was already starting to sway. They arrived at the apartment and Casey led her, like a child, up the elevator and into the apartment. She led Olivia into the bathroom, sat her on the lid of the toilet, and, after grabbing a clean pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt, turned the shower on. She laid the pajamas on the sink, under a clean towel, and crouched in front of her friend.

"Olivia, I'm going to make you something to eat while you take a shower, okay?" Olivia nodded and Casey smiled.

After leaving the bathroom Casey went into her kitchen and began making comfort food. She debated giving Olivia a soda, she was sure that she could use the sugar, but decided that milk was probably a better option. After awhile, Casey realized that the shower had stopped several minutes before but Olivia hadn't come out yet. She drew a deep breath and knocked gently on the door.

"Olivia? Are you okay?"

The only sound from inside the bathroom was a quiet sob. Casey bit her lip and pushed the door open. What she found almost broke her heart. Olivia was dressed in the borrowed pajamas, kneeling on the floor, sobbing.

"Oh, Liv," Casey whispered. She walked into the bathroom and knelt on the floor, wrapping her arms around Olivia. They sat like that for several minutes, until Olivia's tears slowed and she sat up. Casey helped her stand. "I made lunch," she whispered.

Olivia nodded, wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be," Casey answered softly. "Do you feel up to eating?"

Olivia was about to say no when her mind flashed to the baby she carried, Elliot's baby, which she hadn't been taking care of as well as she should have the past two weeks. "I'll try," was all she could promise.

Casey helped her to her feet and helped her slowly to the couch. She left Olivia only for a moment, to grab lunch and bring it into the living room. She set the tray down in front of Olivia and smiled hopefully as Olivia looked at the tray in confusion. "It's comfort food. Chicken and stars soup, PB&J, an apple, and milk," Casey smiled. "You don't have to eat it all, but eat a little please."

Olivia nodded and took a small spoonful of soup. She was surprised how good it tasted and turned her attention to the sandwich. She couldn't remember the last time that she'd eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but she ate it anyway. She yawned then, suddenly exhausted, and glanced at Casey.

"Aren't you going to eat, Case?"

Casey chuckled. "Honey, it's 3:30 in the afternoon. I ate lunch at noon." She waited until Olivia had finished the apple and milk before trying the next phase of her plan. "Why don't you see if you can sleep for a little bit?"

"Casey?"

"Hm?"

"What's the date?"

"Um…" Casey glanced at her watch. "It's the 24th."

"Shit," Olivia's heart all but dropped. She was supposed to have a doctor's appointment at noon. "Can I use your phone?"

Casey blinked. "Uh, sure, I guess. Calling Don?"

"Uh, not exactly." Olivia took the cordless phone and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She called her doctor's office and was relieved that they'd be able to squeeze her in the next day. She walked back into the living room and found that Casey had already cleaned up from lunch. She sat down on the couch and let her head drop back, one hand resting unconsciously on her stomach.

Casey stepped out of the bedroom and felt her heart ache for her friend. She didn't miss where Olivia's hand was resting but figured she had bigger problems right then. "Liv? Honey, come on, let's get you tucked in."

For a second, Casey thought that Olivia either hadn't heard her, or that she'd fallen asleep already. But Olivia slowly shifted so she was laying on the couch. Casey considered letting her just sleep there, at this point any sleep was better than no sleep. But to her knowledge, the only sleep that Olivia had gotten in the past ten days was either sitting up in the hospital, a position not exactly conducive to a good night's sleep, or the night the previous week when Cragen had forced sleep upon her.

"Come on Olivia, I turned down my bed, you need some real sleep."

Olivia sighed, exhausted, and stood. She let Casey lead her into the bedroom and tuck her into bed as if she was a child.

Casey made sure the covers were tucked snuggly around Olivia's shoulders and brushed a gentle kiss over her forehead. "Get some sleep, Liv."

"What if he wakes up?" Olivia whispered.

"They'll call me, I'll wake you. I promise."

Olivia nodded, closing her eyes. Casey waited several minutes before tiptoeing out of the bedroom, leaving the door cracked behind her in case Olivia needed something. Once she was out in the living room, Casey sank onto the sofa and dug her cell phone out of the pocket of her slacks.

"Cragen," the exhausted voice answered.

"Hey Don, it's Casey."

"You get her home?"

"Sort of. She didn't want to go back to her place, so I brought her to mine. She ate lunch and she's sleeping now."

"How's she doing?"

"She looks horrible, Don. I don't think she's slept in days. This isn't healthy for her."

On his end, Don ran a tired hand over his face. "I'm thinking of asking Huang to talk to her."

"Don," Casey objected.

"They were involved, weren't they?"

"I don't know," Casey answered honestly. "But my gut says yes."

"When do you have to be back at work?"

"I took today and tomorrow."

"You'll let me know if she needs anything?"

"Of course."

Casey hung up the phone and began puttering around the house. She wasn't home enough for it to have accumulated any kind of mess and she didn't want to vacuum and risk waking Olivia. Instead, she dusted, straightened some knick-knacks, then settled onto the couch with a book, one ear constantly tuned into any noise which might come from her bedroom. As darkness enveloped the apartment, Casey turned on a lamp on her end table and tiptoed into the bedroom. Olivia was sleeping but fitfully. Casey tucked the blankets more securely around her friend's shoulders and the light touch had Olivia's eyes flying open.

"Did he wake up?" she asked, sitting up quickly.

Casey sighed. "I'm sorry, Liv."

Olivia seemed to deflate, sinking back against the headboard. "I don't understand it, Casey."

"What?" the younger woman asked, shifting so she was sitting on the bed next to her friend.

"The doctor said that he should be waking up. He's breathing on his own. Why isn't he waking up?"

Casey sighed, reaching over to link fingers with Olivia. "I don't know sweetie. Elliot will wake up when he's ready. That's all I can think. That for some reason, right now, he needs to be out."

Olivia rested her head gently on Casey's shoulder. "I hate waiting, not knowing."

"I know, Liv."