Help Me Find You

Angsty!Cat/Beck; Beck/Jade

AN: I love Beck/Cat, because they won't ever work.

They're dropping into that pattern again- this pattern of confusion and false love, glamoured to be something it's not. The pattern of clumisy kissing each other under the stars, laying on the balcony, and rushing rushing rushing because they can't wake anyone up, can't let the world know what's going on.

"Love me," she whispers against his cheek, her dark red hair fluttering against his cheekbones. She traces her fingers down his neck and over the hollow of his throat and repeats the words, only it sounds like a question instead of a request.

He swallows thickly and shakes his head because he can't trust his voice to work, not when his girlfriend is behind the door, fast asleep and unaware. He sits up and with shaking fingertips, unbuttons her top and slides it over her shoulders.

She smiles at him thinly, and it's such a weak smile (because he's used to that bright and shiny, thousand-watt smile, the one that can make the sun jealous) compared to what it usually is, that he leans over and kisses her.

Her fingers are clutching at his shoulder blades and when she pulls back, she whispers his name against the cool, night air: "Beck."

Beck leans back, head tipped against the sky, and whispers her name back; "Cat."

Cat kisses him again, only this time it's sadder and a lot softer. "I'm sorry," she says simply, because really, what else can she say? She knows what Beck and Jade have, what they've always have; she also knows what she's doing to that relationship, what she's breaking.

"I'm sorry too," he whispers back. "I'm so sorry."

Her fingers hook into the waistband of his jeans and he gasps silently, throwing his head back as her fingers slide under his waistband. He reaches over and tangles his fingers in hair, mumbling syllables against her hair as she slowly works off his jeans and hers, and they quietly fit together. He slides into that dark, sacred place and they pant against each other, pretending like each thrust doesn't fill them both with bitter, painful guilt.

When they're all done, they both dress again and don't look each other in the eye. Beck holds the door open for Cat, guides her into the hotel room (and they don't question why the fuck they would have sex out on a balcony, in a hotel room on a field trip with Beck's girlfriend asleep on the other side of the door, because there isn't a reason, there isn't a fucking reason) and they both head back into bed.

Cat sits up once she's settled down in the sheets, lets the blanket slide down her hips. She watches as Beck slides over to Jade in the bed. He doesn't touch her. He can't, not after what he's just done.

"Beck?" she whispers.

He turns his head a fraction of an inch towards her, just to let her know that he's listening. He turns frigid, stiff, like he's guessing that she's going to say that they can't do this anymore, that she's going to tell Jade, like he's a cheater and a whore. But she doesn't. All she says is, "Good night," before rolling over and staring at the wall.

Beck pretends like he doesn't hear her crying herself to sleep. Instead, he gets up, heads to the bathroom, and stares at the wall until he starts to feel dizzy and the urge to puke has passed.

Finally, after what he guesses is an hour, he slips back into the hotel room. He slides over to Cat. Moonlight streams in from the curtains and paints thin slats on her face. He can see that she's asleep, and her face is red from the tears. Her mascara is running. Her hair is tangled around her and she's whimpering a little. He pretend like it doesn't fill him with guilt, with pain and shame, and leans over and kisses her oh-so-gently on the forehead.

He stares at her for another second before going back to his own bed and sliding between the sheets. He knows that if the chaporones come back and see that he's not in his room, his actual room with Andre, than he'll be in so much trouble. Cat and Jade are roommates in this field trip; two girls screwing the same guy.

He can't bring himself to care though, so he buries his face in Jade's hair and silently lets his tears of shame fall until he's able to fall asleep. He finally sleeps with sunlight starts to stream through the curtains.

They both try their hardest to act normal in the morning, and they both pretend like they don't catch each other staring, because it's so much easier to lie. Hollywood's full of liars; it's what they do best.