Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Panic!. Nor do I own Battlestar Galactica, which is referenced here. These series and their characters are just being used in this twisted product of my imagination.

At the current hour of nearly one in the morning, the normally-bustling Merida Island base was virtually deserted, with only a handful of sentries roaming the halls, many of them constantly checking their watches as they awaited the end of their shifts. That suited the three trench coat-clad figures currently making their way into the captain's office just fine. Things would get very complicated very quickly if their presence were discovered.

Upon entering the captain's office, the shortest of the three immediately made his way towards the sole painting in the room. He sighed as he pulled if off the wall, exposing the safe underneath: these Mithril types were so predictable. He quickly inspected the safe via flashlight: a key and a rather lengthy combination were required to open it. Sighing once again, he waved over one of his companions.

The second figure approached the closed safe in utter silence, stopping just in front of it as if inspecting it for itself. Grasping the handle and bracing itself, the first figure merely gave it a nod. With a sharp squeal of overburdened metal, the door was pried from the frame.

So much for subtlety. Better work fast.

The shorter figure expertly rummaged through the safe, clamping the small flashlight between his teeth. The contents were what one would expect in the captain's safe: classified documents, mostly pertaining to top-priority standing orders, but also lists of Mithril operatives and contacts throughout the region. A small white binder tucked between two thick folders of deployment orders caught the man's eye.

Setting down the documents, he plucked the binder from its place and quickly leafed through the first few pages. He was expecting a number of things, but definitely not photographs. He only recognized two of the faces: the first was the captain of the Tuatha de Daanan, Captain Teletha "Tessa" Testarossa, and the second was the pilot of that accursed Laevatein, Sergeant Sousuke Sagara. The two appeared in next to every picture, sometimes alone, sometimes together, and sometimes surrounded by others in formalwear. It struck him as odd that Tessa was the only woman in the entire album wearing a white dress...

Wait a minute…

He slammed the binder shut, shining the flashlight on the cover. The cover itself was little more than a sheet of paper with two words, set in a rather fancy font, centered on it. Those two simple words were enough to cause the normally-calm Leonard Testarossa to see red. The secrets of Mithril could wait: he had a sergeant to kill.

Both Tessa and Sousuke awoke to the sound of crumpling metal as something broke down the door to their shared quarters. Before the three figures could step inside, Sousuke already whirled into action, slamming the top of the nightstand. His blow distorted the tabletop just enough to allow a spring-loaded compartment to slide out, revealing a Mithril-issue handgun. Quickly blinking the sleep from his eyes, he aimed at one of the larger shadows and emptied half a clip into it. He was quite surprised as the bullets harmlessly bounced off their target. Before he could empty the rest of the clip, the lights flickered on, blinding him.

The figure closed the distance between it and Sousuke with surprising speed as the latter adjusted to the suddenly-increased light levels. It gripped the sergeant around the neck and hoisted him into the air. Sousuke struggled against it, but his blows were met with cold metal.

Tessa blinked rapidly to clear her vision and gasped as the shortest figure's features finally came into focus. To say they were familiar would be an understatement: estranged as they were, she still knew her own brother. If it weren't for the hair, however, she doubted she would have recognized him in his current state: his face was twisted into an expression of rage, and, if the white binder he was holding was any indication, she had a very good guess as to who the rage was directed against.

I was really hoping he wouldn't find that…

The fact that her brother had gained access to other classified documents alongside that binder was lost to her. Though part of her questioned just how he gained access of the base and her safe, her priority at the moment was to stop him from killing Sousuke.

"Alastor! Dispose of Sousuke Sagara through method A-1!"

"By your command."

Sousuke struggled for breath as the miniature Arm Slave's grip slowly tightened around his throat. He gripped the thing's fingers in a futile effort to break loose as his tortured lungs struggled to draw breath. Spots began dancing in front of his eyes.

"Stop it, Leonard!"

Tessa tugged desperately at her brother's trench coat. He spared her a glance, eyes softening for only a split second before hardening again. What little remained of the big brother in him briefly considered sparing the sergeant's life: the younger Testarossa seemed on the verge of tears already. But one glance at her sleepwear, little more than an unbuttoned blouse thrown over her undergarments, enraged him even more. That Sagara was going to die.

"Alastor! Continue with method A-1! Make doubly sure!"

"Leonard!"

The rage suddenly melted off Leonard's face, replaced by a look of pure fear. "Crap! I'm so dead!" was etched in every bit of his expression as he began to dive under the bed. Tessa tilted her head slightly, wondering just what could scare Leonard that badly, when a hand caught the elder Testarossa in mid-dive and yanked him backwards. A solid thwack echoed throughout Merida Island.

"Kaname-chan?"

"Tessa! It's been too long!"

Kaname stepped over the crumpled form of Leonard Testarossa to hug the Tuatha de Daanan's captain. The Alastor currently strangling Sousuke froze, turning its optical sensors towards the new arrival, now chatting animatedly with Tessa.

"So, what's got the idiot over here," Kaname motioned towards Leonard, "so worked up?"

Tessa said nothing, merely picking the binder off the floor and handing it to Kaname. The taller girl took it and flipped it over, reading the two little words that caused so much trouble: Wedding Pictures. Kaname sighed.

"Yeah, I was really hoping he wouldn't find this," the two of them remarked at the same time.

"You guys got this place rebuilt pretty quickly," Kaname observed, finally taking in her surroundings.

Tessa shrugged in response.

"Turns out this place was insured for triple the cost of building it. When the check finally came in, rebuilding it was easy."

By now, Leonard had recovered from the initial blow and was desperately trying to crawl away, preferring capture by Mithril to anything that woman would do to him. He was already halfway out the door when a hand grabbed the back of his collar and dragged him back inside.

"Alastors, save me," he whimpered.

The two Alastors immediately turned towards Kaname, currently holding Leonard aloft by the collar of his trench coat. The green lights on their heads blinked rapidly as they scanned her.

"Analyzing threat. Name: Kaname Chidori. Age: 25. Height: 165 centimeters. Weight…," the first Alastor was interrupted by a fist crashing into its face, lifting the Arm Slave off its feet and sending it flying into the opposite wall.

"Protection: Jindai Municipal High School uniform. Armament: paper fan," continued the second Arm Slave, seemingly oblivious to its companion's fate, "Threat level: EXTREME. Recommended course of action: abort mission and retreat."

The Alastor released its grip around Sousuke's neck and slowly backed out of the room. The Mithril operative gasped as oxygen finally reached his lungs, and Tessa was by his side in a heartbeat.

"Traitor," Leonard growled towards the Alastor.

Kaname was not letting the Arm Slave off easy: a thrown paper fan sent it sprawling on the ground. Leonard whimpered as she produced a second paper fan and advanced towards him.

"You are hopeless, Leonard! Hopeless!" ranted Kaname, emphasizing each word with a blow of her paper fan, "Six months! Six! Months! That's how long it took me to straighten out Sousuke! When I first met him, he behaved as if he were in an anime or something! Now, he actually acts normally some of the time!"

Kaname paused for a second to catch her breath before launching back into her rant.

"You," she jabbed a finger between Leonard's eyes for emphasis, "have only gotten worse! You can't just set your Arm Slaves on people! You are not some character in a badly-written fanfiction!"

Leonard was reduced to a nervous wreck by now, throwing up his arms in a futile attempt to ward off additional blows of the paper fan. He managed a sigh of relief as Kaname turned towards Sousuke, now back on his feet, and tossed him a small package.

"I thought I might as well give these to you since I'm already here. The two of you are too young for children, and, quite frankly, Sousuke, the thought of you raising kids still scares me."

Tessa and Sousuke raised questioning eyebrows at Kaname before glancing down at the package. Tessa turned a furious shade of red and buried her face in her hands. Sousuke, on the other hand, looked as if he had just discovered some profound universal truth.

"You mean these things aren't just emergency water containers?"

The security personnel rushing towards the source of the shouting suddenly stopped dead in their tracks and parted down the middle as an irate Kaname stomped through. Many alternated between immortalizing the image before them in their memories and wishing they had a camera on hand. The blue-haired woman paid them no mind as she held a whimpering Leonard Testarossa by the back of his collar in one hand and two heavily-dented Alastors in the other.

"But, but he…he…," Leonard finally summoned the courage to stammer out.

"Just shut up!" Kaname roared, quickly banishing any and all of Leonard's newfound courage, "You're already sleeping on the couch straight through next year!"

A/N: I might do a brief followup one-shot, because writing Leonard as a homicidally-protective older brother is way too much fun. My outline for this currently involves a baby shower invitation, an undercover vacation to Tokyo, and a five-way Arm Slave battle.