12: Selfless

The first time that he and Izaya had done this, Kasuka had been fully aware. That isn't to say that Izaya knew that he knew though. As intelligent as Izaya is, he is not all-knowing.

But Kasuka didn't tell Izaya. Why would he tell Izaya that he knew that he knew – all along – that he was in love with Shizuo?

It's just that Izaya feels so good beneath him – especially when he bucks his hips as he tries to meet Kasuka's rhythm thrust for thrust – and that he sounds so good when he's writhing and moaning for more.

It's beyond his comprehension that anyone could ever truly hate Izaya – at least, not like his brother does. How can anyone see a heart in such a decrepit state and not want to take it into their hands and heal it? How can anyone see that delicate, broken, defiant beauty that is Izaya and Izaya alone and not instantly fall in love? Kasuka wonders if it's only his eyes – so accustomed to finding hidden secrets and delving into a person's mind – that can peel off Izaya's mask of superficial perfection and see the heart that lies within.

That isn't to say that Kasuka can see and understand everything that is Izaya because Kasuka isn't all-knowing either. But he'd like to say that he can understand most of him because that's all he really needs to understand. Besides, what's the fun of love without surprises? But that's probably another thing he loves about Izaya; he never ceases to be able to surprise him.

If Kasuka were to use one word to describe Izaya, it would be that he is an enigma – an anomaly in Ikebukuro, just like his brother. And Kasuka is in love with that anomaly.

Yes, Kasuka is unafraid to admit that he is inexplicably attracted to Izaya – to everything that is, simply, Izaya.

This isn't to say that Kasuka is a completely selfless being because he does want Izaya for himself. Sometimes, Kasuka is a little more selfish than he would care to admit. But being selfless doesn't mean not wanting Izaya for himself, no... Being selfless means knowing when to give up Izaya for Izaya's happiness.

Now is one of those times.

The way Izaya is looking at him is telling him that it's all over and down the drain – that everything Kasuka's done for him has not been enough to win him over; Kasuka is still in second place. He's known from the start – even though Izaya has never wanted him to know (for his own good, he often thinks) and even though he's never told Izaya that he's known all along.

Izaya's breathing is laboured and his eyes are restless. "I can't do this anymore," he says. This is the first – and only – time that Izaya has denied Kasuka; it's the only time. Kasuka really can't blame him, but Izaya feels that it's entirely his fault – which is why he's going to cut it off here.

Kasuka doesn't need to hear an "I don't love you" because he can see it in Izaya's shaking hands; his vision blurs because he's known all along – he's not crying.

"We entered this relationship because it could benefit both of us," Kasuka states, succinctly summing up what he'd originally proposed when he had first asked for Izaya to be... there really isn't a word to describe what he'd asked Izaya to be.

But Kasuka knows more than he lets on and he knows that Izaya knows that Kasuka is lying. As good of an actor as Kasuka may be, lying to the one you love is always hard – and that's exactly what Izaya is counting on.

Izaya had never meant for Kasuka to fall in love with him – though he doesn't know that, before Kasuka had even proposed such a deal, he had already fallen unfalteringly in love with him. Kasuka figures that Izaya doesn't need to know – especially not now.

Kasuka says nothing even as he watches Izaya tremble; it's so strange to see Izaya afraid to such a point. "Don't make me say it." Izaya is breathless so his voice only comes across as a bare hiss.

This is the breaking point, Kasuka thinks. This is where he is supposed to tell Izaya that he's loved him all along and— But he honestly cannot bring himself to do such a thing.

Because he's selfish.

Kasuka doesn't feel that now is the time to tell Izaya that he's already a hopeless case; he doesn't feel like cutting his losses just yet.

Lying is hard but, because he's such a selfish person, leaving Izaya is so much harder – harder than he had ever meant it to be.

Kasuka contemplates the fact that he may have fallen harder for Izaya after their... distorted relationship began, strange as that may seem. It might very well be true. This, in and of itself, is almost enough to make Kasuka laugh; but Kasuka never laughs, so he doesn't.

"You don't need to love me," Kasuka tells Izaya; he has conveniently left out the "even though I love you" part because it's not what Izaya wants to hear – should they wish to continue this... deal.

Izaya doesn't even point out that Kasuka can't possibly be telling the truth because his mind has already moved onto something else – a fact he find most pertinent and in need of being discussed; Kasuka thinks otherwise. "Why would you do this to yourself?" He doesn't say that he – despite Kasuka's need to hide it – already knows of Kasuka's feelings.

Kasuka feels no need to point out that this pain is only a bittersweet sting in comparison to not having Izaya. And after having experienced all that Izaya is – as a lover; there, he's finally said the word... if only to himself – he can't just let go. If only it was that easy.

The two sit in silence because there really isn't anything that can be said.

Thoughts are thrown back and forth in Kasuka's mind – one is that Izaya is more honest in his actions than in his words; more honest than he thinks he is. Kasuka isn't sure why it is that he can read the quivering in Izaya's lower lip and his glassy, shimmering eyes so well; it may only be obvious to him because he is a natural actor too – Kasuka has always thought that Izaya is the most brilliant actor he has ever met – but the point is that he can see it.

Kasuka has never been good with words but, for Izaya's sake – for his own selfish reasons – he will try.

"Eternity," he says, startling Izaya because it's so abrupt – and because seeing such vivid determination in Kasuka's eyes both terrifies and inspires Izaya.

"Eternity?" Izaya mimicks weakly; he is questioning what Kasuka means by such a word because it is a word that Izaya hates to use – to him, eternity doesn't exist because all things have an end. Izaya mulls over the word for a second longer, wondering if Kasuka is saying it because he knows of Izaya's beliefs – he wonders if Kasuka is mocking him or if it's because... he knows that this is the end; that there will be no eternity.

But his words surprise Izaya. "That's how long I will love you." It is the first time that Kasuka has ever used that word in regards to him; it doesn't quite register with Izaya. "That's also how long I can – and will – wait."

Why is it that when Kasuka speaks that he sounds so truthful?

So honest that, for once, Izaya is willing to believe in eternity.

Kasuka gets up to leave because he knows that Izaya doesn't need to be comforted beyond this point – that Izaya doesn't trust him enough to reveal his broken self (though Kasuka, really, has already seen through his facades) to Kasuka. He's okay with that because, like he said, he can wait.

This is also why Kasuka is so shocked when Izaya asks him to stay, grabbing the end of his sleeve.

Kasuka doesn't question it because he already knows; his calculating mind has already deciphered and decoded the reasons, putting two and two together. But even that is unnecessary.

He doesn't tell Izaya to trust him because he doesn't feel that it's his place to say such a thing.

"Just... stay," Izaya says to Kasuka, eyes pleading, "Stay here with me... Kasuka…" For once, he's dropped the "-kun" and that strikes Kasuka as strange but he says nothing; this level of intimacy... he feels undeserving of it but he doesn't mind.

What Izaya doesn't say is the most important, Kasuka finds, because he knows that Izaya means to say that, should Kasuka stay with him, he'll find a way to believe in eternity.

"I love you," Kasuka repeats, cradling Izaya's head in his lap even as he watches him fall asleep. He knows that Izaya hasn't heard him this time – nor has he the first time, really – but... Well, he'll just have to wait until another time to tell Izaya this; hopefully, this time, Izaya will be readier to hear it.

When the second time comes, he's certain that Izaya will be able to accept it.

I had twenty-two parts of this written... why did I only have eleven posted?