(Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. I do not own or claim to own the property known as Mass Effect. Mass Effect is copyrighted to the Bioware Corporation, Microsoft Studios, Electronic Arts and Drew Karpyshyn. Please support the official release. Any real life mentions were done purely for poking fun.)

"Commander?" Jacob said, walking up to Shepard, who appeared to not have slept/eaten/used the facilities for a while.

"It's been… 5 months since you've done anything. Don't you think the Collectors are a pressing matter?"

"Quiet, Mr. Taylor. I'm griefing!" Shepard said, killing a lvl 20 Jedi Knight with his Centurion.

"Commander, that game was only released a month ago. What else were you doing?"

Shepard sat back and thought of the potential things he could do right now.

-(Do as Jacob says and get back to work)

-(Ignore Jacob)

-(Shock Jacob)

The Commander turned around and cast some Force Lightning at the Lieutenant.

"What the-? Sir, how did you just do that?"

"All hail Darth Nox, baby."

Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied

Finale: Suicide Mission

(A/N: Because you're still reading this crap and not playing TOR. Here's a bunch of jokes I didn't use, in no particular order.)

Flotilla Mission

Commander Shepard, Tali and Legion spot a Quarian Corpse on the ground.

"Ah! A dead body. Time to do the only natural thing: loot the corpse."

"Father!" Tali yelled, running to him.

"Um…uh, what I meant to say was… check for a pulse!" The commander retracted.

Engineering Deck…

"What's wrong with Engineer Daniels?" Shepard asked Donnelly, when he saw said engineer holding her head and rocking back and forth.

"Oh. She got through the Old Republic Beta. She didn't take it very well…"

"That animation. That voice acting. That dialogue tree." She muttered to herself.

"Hmm. Different strokes for different folks?" Shepard shrugged.

"Why does Revan sound like Kyle Katarn?"

Collector Ambush…

"Jeff, I need you to release my AI and allow me control of the Normandy."

"Why are you telling me?" Joker said, panicking.

"While we have had our differences in the past, I feel this dire situation will-"

"No, I mean why are you telling the guy with the weak bones this instead of the 10 other engineers who are for some reason fighting right now!"

Engineering Deck…

"Shepard, my people only go outside our suits for those… closest to us." Tali said.

"Huh, you learn something new everyday. Well, see you late-"

"You want to fool around?"

Shepard was stunned. "You mean- but I'm already in something with Jack. Unless…"

"Shepard, I'm risking enough by going outside my suit. Do you really think I'll last 10 seconds in a threesome with Jack?"

"Point taken." The Commander said.

"Look, if you don't pick me, that's fine. Just for the love of Kee'lah, wear a condom!"

Heretic Base…

"Engaging the enemy!" Shepard said, under fire.

"We have to-" Suddenly, he saw a flurry of sniper shots and to his surprise, the enemies were all dead.

"Legion! Did you do all that?"

"Affirmative. This mobile unit reports a 98.73 percent accuracy rate with +1/-1 error margin."

Shepard turned to Tali. "We're keeping him."

"No!" The Quarian replied.

"Yes, we are."

Mordin's Office…

"Shepard. Noticed you and Jack becoming very close. Recommend padded walls and overall braces to protect yourself."

"Thanks, Mordin." Shepard said dejectedly. "You got any other brilliant advice?"

"Wear Condom!"

(A/N: And now, to our feature presentation.)

Shepard started up the game.

Please select your mode:

-Action Mode: The shooter but with random dialogue choices. Which pretty much nulls the point of playing a Bioware game.

-RPG Mode: The actual Game.

-Story Mode: The game on wheels where the only thing you do is pick dialogue trees. This is a new feature so all those hours you spent playing on Insanity mean squat.

Shepard groaned. He picked RPG Mode.

Please select your Playing difficulty

-Insanity

-Hardcore

-Veteran

-Normal

-Casual

-Narrative

Shepard groaned again and picked Veteran.

Welcome to Mass Effect 2. For 800 Microsoft points you can purchase-

"I have a shotgun." The commander said. The game went silent and proceeded as planned.

Shepard sighed. He had never seen the crew so empty before. He had missed the various voices around: Dr. Chakwas moaning over the latest Tarantino film, Engineers Donelly and Daniels arguing whether Fable was playable or not and that particular character voiced specifically by Steven Jay Blum (Aside from Grunt, Oghren, that guy from the tutorial level, etc.). He walked around, nervous. They had the IFF in hand, but had to make a run that no one ever came back from.

"Well, better check my Social Links…" Shepard said, opening up the menu.

Jacob Taylor: Max

Grunt: Max

Garrus Vakarian: Max

Tali Zorah Nar Rayya 'vas Quip Quip: Max

Jack: Max

Thane Krios: Max

Mordin Solus: Max

Samara: Max

Legion: Max

Kasumi Goto: Max

Zaeed: Max

Miranda Lawson: Reverse

"Freakin' Summer Vacation…" Shepard muttered under his breath. Slowly, but surely he found himself outside of Miranda's room. He knocked on the door and was let in.

"What do you want?" The Cerberus Operative said coldly.

"Miranda, let's talk…" Shepard said calmly.

"Let's not. Why don't you chat up your buddy Jack and have a litter?"

The Commander winced.

"Ok, maybe I deserved that."

"Not maybe. Certainly." Miranda said, not looking up from her terminal.

Shepard breathed in. He took a time-out, gathered all of his CHARM and let Miranda have it.

"Ok, listen here missy!" He said, staring down Ms. Lawson. "Here's how it's going to go. Either we take my apology, accept it and be on your merry way, or you're going to die, not have a cameo in the next game, not be given a substantial paycheck and be replaced by a writer from IGN!"

"You wouldn't dare…" The Cerberus Operative said, looking more disgruntled as usual.

Shepard opened up his omni-tool, started to dial in a number and-

"On second thought…" Miranda said, exasperated. "Maybe, we should let bygones be bygones."

"I agree completely." Shepard said, putting away his Omni-tool. "So, you want to-"

"Don't push your luck on that threesome, Mister."

"Rats."

The CIC…

Shepard stepped up to the platform and hit the galaxy map. He breathed in deeply and accessed piloted the mini-Normandy to the Mini-Omega 4 Relay.

"Plotting Course for Omega-4 Relay. Be Advised: Once we begin moving towards it, there is little chance we will be making it back. Are you sure?"

"No time to waste, EDI." Shepard said defiantly. "The crew needs saving."

"Plotting course for Omega 4 relay now." Joker said over the intercom. "ETA about 2 hours. I'll let you know when we arrive…"

"2 hours?" Shepard repeated. "Can't we go faster?"

"Umm… Commander? Do you want to go faster to our imminent deaths?"

"Point taken."

Shepard retired to his quarters and sighed. He took a deep, long gaze at his room, thinking he might not see it every again.

"Well, this might be my last moments alive. Time to play some Karaoke!"

Enough time for Shepard to get comfortable. Let's say… 1 hour later.

Jack opened the door to Shepard's room.

"Shepard, I-" Jack stopped in mid-sentence to see Shepard, in his boxers, singing along to Glee.

"Just a small town girl! Living in a lonely worl-" Shepard paused and turned off the Wii.

"Jack! What are you doing here!"

"Goddaammit…" Jack whispered under her breath. "I'm in love with a pussy."

"What was that?"

"I mean-Shepard, I just came here and thought about what you said."

Shepard stared at Jack, seeing her eyes well up. If he didn't know any better, he would've assumed she was on the verge of tears.

"Maybe, I 'could' have something more…. With you…"

"Jack," Shepard said, scratching the back of his head. "I care for you, but I keep hearing mixed messages from you. You said no the first time and now, you're here. How am I supposed to know if you're being honest or not?"

"Look, I know." The Biotic said, sighing. "But, I want to change, even if I'm not the easiest person to deal with…"

"Okay." Shepard said, opening an arm. Jack steps back, afraid.

"I'm not going to cry…" She said, fighting the urge with every fiber of her being.

"Jack, it's okay." The Commander replied.

"No, you don't understand. That girl at Omega sold me some cheap-ass mascara and if I go, it's going to run-"

However, tears fell from her staining black ink over her soft face.

"Shit!"

"Hey, come here," Shepard said, holding her tight and embracing her.

What followed could only be described as passionate lovemaking. Slowly, gently, Shepard laid her down on his mattress. Intricate kisses exchanged between the two of them, Jack's tears slowly drying up. For all the effort Jack put up to make her seem repulsive, Shepard couldn't think anything close to the thought. What was an eternity of rocking back and for and passionate sighs, the two cradled each other in their arms. The Commander saw the Convict smile for a moment. For once, the loom of the Reapers, the Collectors and everything else seemed far off and away…

(A/N: Crap. Quick do something funny!)

"Huh?" Shepard said, pulling out something under the sheets.

"What the hell?" Jack said, seeing what Shepard pulled out to be a rubber chicken.

"So, that's where I left that thing…"

Far off and safe in the Illusive Man's fortress…

Martin Sheen sat and smoked a cigarette when Shepard called in.

"Shepard, I'm glad you're here. How do you feel?"

"Like I need a drink…" The Commander said. "But, I'm ready."

"Despite the danger, it's a great opportunity! You're going where few men have gone and hopefully, you'll come back."

The commander stared at him, "You do realize how easy it is for YOU to say that?"

"Semantics. Despite what you think of me Shepard, know that I appreciate the sacrifice you're about to do for humanity. Godspeed and good luck."

"Prick…" Shepard whispered under his breath.

And so, the team held their breath as Joker piloted the Normandy towards the Omega-4 Relay.

"Approaching now, Commander." Joker said.

"Let's make it happen." Shepard sighed as the ship steered toward it.

"Commander," Jacob said through his com device. "Core just lit up like a Christmas Tree. It's going to get rough."

"Everyone!" Shepard yelled. "This is it!"

"Commander, I think we should've upgraded the ship some more. You never know what kind of dangers we might face..."

"Oh, Mr. Taylor, you're exaggerating." The Commander said. "I mean, what's going to happen: some random enemies are going to pop up?"

"We got incoming bogeys!" Joker said over the com channel.

"Then those enemies are going to attack us at a weird angle because we haven't invented turrets on ships in this universe?"

"They're hitting us hard!" Joker yelled.

"And then, by some random fate of action, they hit the one person who isn't even supposed to be on deck in this situation?"

"Jack's dead." Miranda said, after an explosion in the back.

"Wait, what?" SHepard said, only to see Jack's charred corpse in the corner.

"Nooooooooooooooooo!" The commander said, giving his best James Earl Jones impression. "She can't be dead! Quick, do something! Anything!"

"Nope, I checked." Miranda said. "Dead as the old Bioware."

"This is the future! You can't dump her into Medi-gel? You revived me, can't you do it with her?"

"No, that would make too much sense and cost too much money."

"You're just jealous because I picked her over you!" Shepard cried, cradling the body.

"Well, there's nothing we can do-"

"No." Shepard said, opening up the Dashboard.

Would you like to exit to Xbox Home?

-Yes

-No

"Shepard, what are you doing?" Miranda said.

"Cheating!"

Back 2 Miraculous Hours ago…

Jack came in, her eyes welling with tears. She spotted Shepard, wearing a perfect white Tuxedo, a rose in his teeth and Katy Perry't Teenage Dream playing in the background.

"You reset the game… for me?" Jack said, touched.

"And, babe. I'd do it all over again, too."

(A/N: The rest of the scenes have been abridged…)

Later…

"Commander, I think we're ready to go through the Relay now." Jacob said.

Shepard shrugged. "I understand the new armor, the new shields and that new cannon Garrus was working on, but why the new stereo system?"

Jacob coughed, "So we can get the Mass Effect 2 Soundtrack now only 17.98 USD on !"

"We're such whores…" Shepard sighed, as they replayed the Relay scenario once more.

"Here we go!" Joker said.

"You know, I feel like we're forgetting something…" Shepard said, rubbing the back of his head.

"Hang on tight!"

"Oh my god! I forgot to strap in my seatbelt!" Shepard said, standing up. Just then, Joker pulled up causing a majority of the crew members to stumble around, willy-nilly. As the Normandy, ducked and weaved against the fighters, the same attack happened, only Jack was well protected against it, with her several padded walls… and football helmet… and various other protective body gear.

Joker ducked and weaved through the debris, the enemy drones while Shepard and crew waddled and tossed throughout the ship.

"This wouldn't nearly be as dramatic if we were sitting at the dozens of open seats!" Shepard cried.

"Commander, we have an invader inside. You'll have to shoot it!" Joker said.

So, Shepard, admist all the chaos and tossing mind you, picked a squad of Miranda and Legion to fight off a giant eyeball that shoots lazers.

"Spam Warp and Warp ammo!" Shepard commanded as the boss seemed to duck and weave everwhere.

"We're halfway ther-"

"Commander!" Joker said through the com. "I can't keep this up. I'm going to have to take evasive maneuvers."

Joker drove the Normandy through the debris field.

"Jeff," EDI said. "Our shields are not designed to handle debris that size."

"Well, it's a good thing we upgraded…" Joker said, very unsubtley. As many of the drones crashed, the Normandy made impact with dozens of space trash from the Reapers. They held on as Kasumi was kept safe.

"What's our status, EDI?" Joker said, sighing.

"Shields holding. I sense no damage. However, there is still that enemy below the bridge."

"That thing again. Shepard's gonna have to deal with-"

"It's dead!" Shepard said.

"Good, come up to the deck. You'll want to see this." Miranda said through her mic.

"Miranda… I'm standing right next to you…" Shepard replied.

"Oh. Well… this is awkward."

So, after the crew came upstairs, Shepard, Miranda and Joker spotted the Reaper base, off at a distance.

"There it is." Miranda said, awed.

"Uh-oh, looks like we have some company from an old friend." Joker said, staring at the Collector ship that came back.

"That's it! Joker, ready the main gun. It's time to show them our secret weapon…" The Commander said.

Joker pushed a button as the battery came to life.

"HADOKEN!" The machine said as it fired a powerful shot that tore open a good part of the Collector vessel.

"How do you like that you sons of bitches?" Joker cried, throwing up his best ganster pose.

"Finish it off!" Shepard yelled. Joker fired another shot.

"AE…DU…CAN!" The cry came and finished off the Collecter ship, but not before they were caught by the ensuing explosion.

"Watch out!" Miranda said, as the Normandy spun out of control.

"Warning: Shields failing and hull breach. Crash imminent." EDI said as the ship slid across the vessel, many of its systems damaged.

"Ohh…" Shepard cried out. "Everyone ok?"

"I think I broke a rib. Or all of them…" Joker cried out.

"Shepard, the ship is broken to almost beyond repair. Likelihood of making it out, 1000000:1."

"We all knew this would be a one-way trip…" Miranda said, sighing.

"Ms. Lawson. It ain't over 'til it's over." Shepard replied.

"Glad he's in charge. Orders?"

Shepard sighed. "Joker, try to get the ship… flyable. Miranda, assemble the minions."

"Please stop saying that and get your speech ready."

"Speech?"

Later, in the conference room…

The Normandy's soldiers lock and loaded their guns. They prepared for battle as Shepard stepped forward.

"This isn't what we planned. EDI, what's our next step?"

"You'll need to fight your way over to these blast doors over here. I detect a number of lifesigns over there."

"Then that's where the crew is." Shepard said.

"No good. See these doors? They'll block our way in." Miranda stated.

Shepard stared at the map. "Maybe we could use this ventilation shaft here."

"Looks like a Suicide mission…" Jacob said. "I volunteer."

"While I appreciate your enthusiasm, Jason…"

"Jacob."

"Whatever; point is you need someone with technical skills to get the doors open. Shepard, who do you-"

"Tali."

"That was quick." Miranda said.

"She's a Quarian. Why wouldn't I pick her? So, we'll need to fight to the doors then."

"Sadly, the game only allows you to be with 2 squadmates at a time. Shepard, pick a leader for the 2nd fire team."

The Commander thought. "I think Jack could-"

"No." Miranda said, abruptly.

"Ok, then I guess Zaeed would be the best-"

"Heh, heh. No." Miranda said.

"Ok, Ms. Lawson. Who would 'you' recommend?"

"Myself, of course." She said. Shepard facepalm'd.

"Ok, I'll admit I walked into that one."

"No way!" Jack said. "I don't trust you for a second, Cheerleader."

"This isn't a popularity contest! Shepard, you need to pick someone with leadership experience that isn't you."

Shepard thought for a moment. "Who do I know would qualify for this job who couldn't possibly offend anyone else…"

"I know! I pick Jacob!"

"Who?" The rest of the team asked.

"Commander, I'll do my best!" He said, giving a salute.

"Oh, yeah…" Jack said.

"I forgot he was there."

"To be perfectly honest, I thought that was a cardboard cutout."

"We've picked everyone. We'll fight down the doors and meet up. Shepard, any parting words?" Miranda asked.

"Oh. Um… Four Score and Seven years ago…" The rest of the team stared at Shepard.

"I have a Dream, that one day…" The team shook their heads at that notion too.

"Born in a tin shack on the outskirts of One Pine, Jeremy Watson never had it easy. His father worked as a caravan guard on the Short Loop…"

"Commander, no." Jacob said.

Shepard sighed and threw down his index cards he had prepared so thoroughly. He sighed and stared up.

"Ok. No fancy speeches. I will say this. I could try to appeal to your sense of good, but since among us is a psychopathic biotic, an operative who believes the ends justify the means and a mercenary who believes destroying an entire factory to get revenge is justified, I clearly should try something else. These collectors, these monsters have captured our friends, our family and every other human. If they haven't, they will. And it won't be just humans. Krogan, Quarian, Turian, Salarian, Drell and others are all at risk. You're asking yourself, 'why me?'. Because you're the best. And if we don't stop this, humanity is doomed anyway. Fight. Fight for tomorrow. Fight for something. Fight to survive. Simply fight, and we'll make it through this."

Miranda started clapping slowly. Soon after, the rest of the crew clapped as well and cheered.

"Ready? 1…2…3… Go Team Shepard!"

The Collector Base. Suicide Mission Phase: 1

Shepard, Miranda and Legion leapt out of the ship while Tali and Jacob lead the other team. They stormed the hive-like base and prepared themselves for the worst.

"EDI!" The Commander said, getting out his Widow-maker. "What's our status?"

"You should be able to fight your way down this linear hallway to get to the point."

"Tali, what's up?"

"It's hot as Kee'lah in here!"

"Jacob?"

"Doing fine so far. We should be able to get through."

"Let's go!" Shepard said, running through the corridor, taking out any Collectors that were in the way. With Legion's Sniper, and Miranda's Warp, Shepard's team was able to get through, with Miranda only dying twice.

"Jacob here. We ran into some trouble along the way, but I'll try to rendezvous with you ASAP."

"I'm stuck." Tali said, being blocked in front of a door.

"Hey, Tali! I see you." Shepard waved.

"Hurry up and open this barrier!"

Shepard did so, only to find a rather inconvenient meter at the bottom.

"What's this, now?"

"That monitors my life-signs." Tali said. "Be sure not to let the meter drop or I die."

"You mean, like die a character death where we move on or a Critical Mission Failure?"

"The Latter..." Tali said, causing Shepard to groan in frustration.

For the most part, Shepard and his team had no trouble fighting through the various Collectors and opening doors for Tali. Until...

"Coming up to door No. 5" Shepard said.

"Assuming Direct Control."

"Oh, cheese and rice!" Shepard cried, trying to rush for the vent.

"Shepard, no!" Miranda yelled.

As soon as The Commander released the vent for Tali, he was immediately bombarded by a barrage of fire.

Critical Mission Failure

"Son of a Biscuit!" Shepard cursed as he tried again.

This time he took his time and shot all of the enemies. However, he was distracted by one thing.

"Shepard! It's hot! Turn off the valve!"

The Comamnder groaned as he finished whittling down Harbinger's body. He ran for the valve only to-

Critical Mission Failure

"This isn't funny anymore!" Shepard cried. "Wait, I know!"

Shepard tried once again, but this time used his clever stealth ability to get to the valve easily. However, when he was going back, he suddenly had trouble.

"What the-? I can't get over this ledge!"

Critical Mission Failure

After 17 times, Shepard, finally, defeated all the Collectors and made it to Tali in time.

"Tali, please don't scream in my ear." Shepard groaned as the rest of the team took out the collectors and hit the rest of the release valves.

In a flurry, Tali made it through and opened the door for them.

"Get the door open!" Shepard cried as Jacob's team went running in.

"Seeker Swarm!" He cried, firing them as fast as he could.

"Something's wrong! I can't get this door to shut!" Tali said.

Fortunately, Jacob's team made it in time.

"Cover fire, now!" He said as he and several others held the door long enough for Tali to shut it.

"Nice work, Tali!" Shepard sighed.

"I accidentally had the caps lock on."

"Shepard," Miranda said. "You need to see this..."

The team entered to find several hundreds of pods scattered throughout. They looked around and found bodies, aware.

"Look!" Miranda said. "It's one of the colonists."

"More over here!" Jack said, recognizng the Cerberus crew. Suddenly, the pod started to open and to their horror, they saw the colonist being dissolved.

"Oh snap! Get them out!" Shepard cried, as the team burst through the windows and slowly, steadily got Ms. Chambers, Engineers Daniels and Donnelly and Dr. Chackwas out in time.

"Shepard..." The doctor said. "You came for us."

"Alright." The Commander thought. "Time to look cool."

"No Behind gets left one."

Everyone paused to comprehend what Shepard said.

"Anyway..." Kelly began. "You got here just in time. A few more seconds and... I don't want to think about it!"

"The Colonists were dissolved into some kind of... paste." Doctor Chakwas said. "It would've been arousing, if I wasn't fearing for my life..."

"We've done well so far." Miranda said. "Let's hope no one important dies next."

"Shepard." EDI said through the com. "You should be able to follow those tubes to the source and open a door for your team. However, there are large seeker swarms that Mordin's Countermeasure will not protect you from."

"What about Biotics?" He said, unthinkingly.

"Yes." Samara said. "It would be sufficient. However, because of Shepard's main character status, we would only be able to take 2 more."

"Shepard." Miranda said. "You need a biotic capable of handling this. Naturally, you should pick me."

"Ok, I pick Jack."

The Cerberus Operative paused. "Did you hear me correctly?"

"Sorry. Waifus win out. Anyway, for the leader of the next team, I pick my good friend Garrus."

"I can kill these guys, right?" The Turian asked.

"Yes, Garrus. Make as many headshots as you like."

"Dammit, I swear I wasn't going to cry!" The Turian said.

"What about us?" Dr. Chakwas said. "We're in no condition to fight."

"Commander..." Joker said. "We have enough systems online to do a pickup. We can make a rendezvous."

"Shepard!" Miranda cried. "Lives are at stake. Major side character, celebrity voiced lives!"

"We can spare a person, Miranda." Shepard said. "How about Grun-"

He saw Yeoman Chambers shake her head furiously and Engineers Daniels and Donnelly shirk in fear.

"How about Zaeed?"

The Cerberus crew shook their heads.

"...Thane?"

Kelly's quick grasp of the Drell assassin gave Shepard all the information we need.

"Ok, we all have our assignments. Let's go!"

Collector Base, Suicide Mission: Phase 2

Shepard, Miranda and Mordin all walked under Jack's barrier.

"Mine's not nearly so weak..." Miranda said, before Jack accidentally stepped on her foot.

"Let's move, Commander!" She said, as the three walked.

"Commander..." Joker barely said through the com. "I...breaking up... purple monkey... banana."

"I knew I should've switched to Verizon..." Shepard sighed as they moved. Slowly but surely, the team moved, only to find the Collectors waiting for them.

"I'll wait here. You shoot the shit out of those bugs!" Jack said. The team quickly neutralized the Collectors and Harbinger's various forms.

"Garrus, you there?"

"Score one!" The Turian said through the com.

"I think he's doing well." Shepard said, as they continued to walk through the swarm.

"Assuming Direct Control..." Harbinger said.

"Don't think you can stop me, Shepard."

The Commander made quick work, using Mordin's Incinerate and Miranda's Warp to quickly kill them as they appeared. In fact, everything was going fine until...

"Is that a Scion?" Shepard said.

"Are those Exploding Husks?" Miranda asked.

Soon, the crew was overwhelmed, what with the Husks blowing them out of cover and them being covered by a thick blue residue. It wasn't long before

Critical Mission Failure

"This... is... annoying..." Shepard said.

After several attempts, they barely got over the Scion with a sliver of life.

"Well, we're doing good so far." Shepard said.

"Commander, no!" Miranda responded.

"What? It's not like a sudden need of tension will rise up and suddenly things are dire for no reason."

"Barrier, weakening..." Jack said.

Mordin and Miranda stared at him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know." He said, as the three of them rushed for the exit. When they made it past a chest high wall, the crew had to stop the Collector swarms from coming in. Miranda took out some, Mordin some more, but things were looking dire. Suddenly, Jack seized up the last ammount of her strength and then...

"KA...ME...HA...ME...HA!"

With a huge Burst of Biotic Power, the Swarms were knocked back.

"That's my Waifu!" Shepard said, only to have Jack punch him in the arm.

"Ow! Why'd you"

"What did I say about using that word?"

"But-"

"What'd I say?"

"Don't" Shepard said, dejectedly. The team rushed, only to hear from Garrus.

"Shepard! Running out of High-Caliber Rounds! Where are you!"

"Get this door open!" Shepard screamed as the door slid open, gunfire rushing in. As they closed the door, a bullet hit Garrus in the gut. The Commander inspected it and The Turian smiled.

"Now that's good plot armor." Garrus said, as Shepard gave a smirk and the rest entered in.

"Joker, how's the crew?"

"Dr. Chakwas and the rest of the crew are all here, Commander..."

"Thane's Team arrived. No Casualties."

"Excellent." Miranda said. "EDI, what's our next step?"

"There should be platforms that should allow you to get to the source of the base. There, you should be able to plant the bomb."

"Uhh... Commander, we've got a problem. There's a bunch of Collectors massing outside the door."

Shepard stared at the team. "I'll need to pick 2 to go with me while the rest defend this door."

He signaled to Miranda and Samara.

"Any last words?" She asked.

"We're almost there, guys. If we win this, I'm taking you all to Disneyworld. Not Disneyland. Not Disney's California Adventure. Disneyworld. Where you can go to the Epcot Center and get alcohol. Where Walt Disney envisoned his work before some bigwigs thought EuroDisney was a good idea. And they'll be cake. And Ham. And wonderful things all around. Do it for Disneyworld."

"Umm..." Miranda stared. "That was... inspiring. Let's go!"

The Platform lifted off as the three went in, guns blazing to fight the Collectors. They fought off the first swarms with ease, but were shocked as they encountered more and more enemies.

"Shepard, I'm getting seriously pissed off." Harbinger said.

The Commander ignored this and kept attacking through their ranks. Platform after platform, Collector after Collector, the trio fought their way until there were no enemies left.

"Shepard, if you take the central platform, it should take you to the location of the massive energy base. My goodness. Shepard, they are building a Reaper."

"Not just any Reaper..." Shepard said, staring at the monstrosity. "A Human Reaper."

The Trio stood still and looked at each other.

"Wait," Shepard said, looking through the script. "Well... that was anti-climactic..."

"It looks like that robot from one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's movies?" Miranda said. "What was it?"

"Junior?"

"That's it."

"According to my readings, the Reapers is in a Fetal stage of development. The tubes of human liquid were used to fuel it."

"This thing is a copyright lawsuit waiting to happen!" The Commander said. "EDI! Give me a way to blow this thing to heck!"

"The tubes connecting the Reaper are a structural weakness. You should be able to shoot them down and the Reaper will fall."

"What a convenient design flaw…" Shepard said. "I suppose we'll have to find some way to open them, right?"

"No. The tubes will be exposed after you destroy a wave."

"…Should I be questioning this?" The Commander said.

"Best not." Miranda replied.

And so, the three fired at the relatively obvious weak points until the structure fell. Shepard took a breath, and checked in.

"Ground team. What's your position?"

"Jack here." The Biotic said over the com. "We're getting shot to shit here! Get your tight ass over here!"

"Aww… I love you too, honey."

"Godammit!"

"I mean- Head to the Normandy. I'm going to set the bomb now."

Shepard, taking the ordinents they took with them, prepared the bomb to blow.

"Commander, I'm getting a signal from the Illusive Man. You might want to hear this."

Miranda opened up her Omni-tool as Martin Sheen appeared.

"Shepard, you've done the impossible"

"Don't worry; I'm going to blast this place to bits after I finish taping Batman and Robin to Wild, Wild West."

"Shepard, I have another proposal. If you were to set a nuclear device instead, the bomb would explode killing all the Collectors. But leaving the Base intact. This is our chance, Shepard. The Reapers were using this as a Weapon. It's time to turn the tables."

"Well, too bad, Mr. The Illusive Man!" The Commander replied. "I didn't bring a nuke with me!"

"Um… Shepard…." Miranda said, holding a green disc with her.

"Well, even if I have a nuclear option, I'm not going to do it! They liquefy people here!"

"Shepard, when I revived you, people said I was crossing the line. But look at you! You've taken down the Collector base. The resources from that facility can protect humanity from the Reapers, from anything!"

Shepard coughed. "What part of 'they liquefy people here' didn't you understand?"

"Shepard, don't make a mistake. You'll be throwing away millions of human lives!"

The Commander shook his head. "We'll fight and win without it. I won't let fear compromise who I am."

"Miranda!" The Illusive Man said, turning to her. "Don't let Shepard destroy the base!"

"Or what? You'll fire me next?" The Cerberus Operative said.

"I gave you an order, Miranda!"

"I noticed. Consider this my resignation." She said, cutting the signal.

"Miranda… thank you!" Shepard said. "That was awfully big-faced of you."

"My face is big?" She cried out, as the Commander sighed and prepared the bomb.

"Ok, let's get out of here while there's still time and-"

A massive roar came from below as the Human…. Reaper… Fetus attacked the trio.

"Quick, kill it!" Samara said for the first time since joining the trio.

As Shepard fired at the monstrosity, he was surprised to find the creature ducking and weaving.

"Oh no!" Miranda cried out. "It's using the cover system we stole…err, I mean 'tributed' to Gears of War!"

(A/N: Please don't sue Cliffy B.)

"That's it, I'm finishing this!" Shepard said, taking out the M-9000 Cain and firing a tactical nuke at the monstrosity and destroying it. The creature reeled in pain, only to take out a chunk of the platform with it. Miranda quickly fell back as Shepard reached for her and caught her just as she was about to fall off. The platforms went out of control and Shepard lost consciousness.

Shepard woke up in a daze, to find a steel girder on him. Using his Main Character strength he lifted it away and cleared the Debris for Miranda and Samara.

"Shepard, come in Shepard. Do you read?"

"No. I listen to the audiobooks…. Wait, Joker! Did everyone make it?"

"Mordin's dead, sir."

A silence filled the air.

"What?"

"Mordin is dead."

Suddenly, something cold and bubbily filled up the Commander's soul. His face went from disbelief to a quiet rage…"

(A/N: Commander Shepard is about to use some naughty, naughty language. If you are reading this and under the age of 18, you should be ashamed of yourself…)

"That is some fucking bullshit! I spent all that time and all those fucking resources to prepare the ship to make it and you're telling me Mordin dies. Fucking bullshit!"

"I told you he was doing Jack." Miranda whispered to Samara.

"And now I have to play a shitty hybrid of Call of Duty with Kinect features without my Salarian scientist? Damn youse, EA! Damn youse!"

"Sir, you won't believe this; Mordin just came back to life!"

Achievement unlocked- 75Gs: You happy now, you big whiner?"

"Oh, thank god. Quickly, everyone. Let's get the heck out of here!"

The trio ran for the ship as Harbinger chased him.

"You have changed nothing, human. Your species fights against the inevitable."

The door arrived to reveal Joker, firing a machine gun at the Collectors. The trio ran for it as Miranda and Samara made it to the pod. Shepard sprinted as fast as he could and leapt for the bay, unsure whether he would make it…

"Did I leave the stove on?" Shepard thought as he looked at the ledge. He barely caught on as Miranda pulled him up. They entered the ship as Joker ran inside.

"Preparing Mass Effect drive in 5…4…3…"

"Just hurry up, EDI!" Joker yelled as the Normandy outran one of the largest explosions ever put into a video game.

Somewhere in Paramount Studios…

"Damn…" said Michael Bay.

Back in Collector space…

The Normandy, in the brink of time, escaped the explosion and made it back to home base.

Normandy, CIC….

Commander Shepard went into the conference room. He lifted a girder away and opened the com channel to find an rather disgruntled Martin Sheen.

"You're beginning to cost me time and money, Shepard."

"Sorry, can't hear you. Getting a lot of bullshit on this line." Shepard replied.

"Do you realize you've cost millions of lives today? How else are we going to prepare for the Reapers?"

Shepard shook his head. "I don't take orders from you anymore! We're going to fight the Reapers and we're going to win, you better believe it!"

"Don't you walk out on me Shepard!"

But Shepard did, as the Illusive Man was all alone, stewing in his anger, calculating.

"Why the hell did my lava lamp turn blue all of a sudden?"

Somewhere in space…

A single ship flew through the stars, slowly being repaired. Inside, the crew worked diligently to get things back in order. And there, stood a man as he walked through the corridor. He wasn't the smartest man, he wasn't the bravest and he wasn't the most tragic. But, he was there, ready to face anything. He looked at his team, ready for the next challenge as his pilot handed him a dossier. He stared at a window and saw the invading force of the Reapers as they came out of Dark Space.

Who was this man? His name was Michael "Monkey" Donavon Shepard, and he was humanity's last hope until the next game arrived.

Until then, it was party time.

Because War, War never changes.

And so, the credits rolled with the soundtrack playing again.

"Wait. That's it?" Shepard said. "At least play a good song this time…"

"Invaders Must Die!"

(A/N: And so, Commander Shepard was victorious yet again. But the greatest challenge has yet to arrive? Can Commander Shepard master the Kinect and Call of Duty in time for the Reapers? Find out next time, in another exciting tale in

Mass Effect 3: The Finale that Needed to be Parodied!")

"Oh, no, no, no!" Shepard said. "I am not going through this again!"

(Final Thoughts: So, yeah. I'm sorry I took so long to finish this thing. With Real Life, money and SW:TOR coming out, I was literally swamped. I had to cut so much out of this in order to make it before the deadline. I'll probably never do another one of these again, since this one took so much out of me. I will say that I'm enjoying SW:TOR a lot and as for the ME3 demo, let's hope they fix it enough for us Biodrones. I'm not a big fan of those 2 dialogue choice trees instead of 3.

Until then, Keep Writing!)