A/N: I was bored at the school library one day and I somehow created this. I was pondering about the thought why Hamlet didn't kill Claudius sooner, which led to this parody. I love the story of Hamlet so please don't hate me for writing this. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING! EVERYTHING BELONGS TO SHAKESPEARE!
King: I'm living such a great life! I have a wife, a son, a kingdom-.
Claudius: You're poisoned!
(King gasps and falls)
Gertrude: (crying hysterically) He's dead!
Claudius: How about you marry me & we can talk about it?
Gertrude: (suddenly happy) Okay!
Hamlet: I'm so depressed…. I wish I could die.
Horatio: I just saw you're father's ghost outside the castle walls!
Hamlet: Really? Let's go after it!
Ghost: It was Claudius!
Hamlet: I knew it! I'll kill him!
Ghost: You do that!
Hamlet: I'll act totally insane so no one will suspect my actions! (to Horatio) Tell no one.
Horatio: Okay!
Laertes: I'm off to France. (to Ophelia) Be careful.
Ophelia: Okay!
Polonius: You're forbidden to see Hamlet!
Ophelia: Fine!
Claudius: (to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) Keep an eye on him. We think he's lost it!
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Yes, sir!
Hamlet: I shall have a play performed so we can see if Claudius is the culprit!
(Players enter, dressed and the King, Claudius and Gertrude)
Player 1: I'm living such a great life! I have a wife, a son, a kingdom-.
Player 2: You're poisoned!
(Player 1 gasps and falls)
Player 3: (crying hysterically) He's dead!
Player 2: How about you marry me & we can talk about it?
Player 3: (suddenly happy) Okay!
Claudius: (to himself) Crap… he knows.
Later in the Queen's chambers…
Polonius: He's coming!
Gertrude: Hide!
(Polonius hides behind curtain)
Hamlet: Take that, Claudius!
(Polonius screams & falls on the floor)
Hamlet: (wide-eyed) Uh… oops….
Claudius and Gertrude: You're going to England!
Claudius: (to Rosencrantz & Guildenstern) Kill him when you get there.
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Yes, sir!
Hamlet: Bye!
Ophelia: My father's dead! My love's gone mad! I'm so depressed I'm going to drown myself!
(Ophelia jumps in a lake and dies)
Laertes: (to Claudius) This is all your fault!
Claudius: No it's Hamlet's.
Laertes: I'll kill him!
Claudius: You do that.
Hamlet: I'm back from England!
Horatio: Where's Rosencrantz & Guildenstern?
Hamlet: Dead. Where's Ophelia?
Horatio: Dead.
(Hamlet starts crying)
Laertes: I challenge you to a duel!
Hamlet: Bring it!
Claudius: (to himself) I'll just poison this cup while they're not looking.
Gertrude: (takes cup) May I have a sip? (drinks)
Claudius: No don't-!
(Gertrude falls)
Hamlet: (to Laertes) Ow! You scratched me! Take this! (stabs Laertes)
Laertes: (to Hamlet) The blade's poisoned! (points to Claudius) This is his doing!
Hamlet: (to Claudius) Die! (stabs him)
Claudius: Don't worry, my friends! It's just a flesh wound!
Hamlet: (grabbing the cup) Would you die already? (splashes drink on Claudius)
(Claudius falls and dies)
Laertes: (to Hamlet) It wasn't my fault or yours…. (dies)
Hamlet: (falls to the floor) Tell the world my story, Horatio.
Horatio: You should've kill him from the beginning.
Hamlet: I know. (dies)