Notes: Written for susan5124 for the prompts: denial, confidence, acceptance. This is not what I started to write, but this is where I ended up. I hope you enjoy it, hon. Also, lover100 prompt 085: diary.
Contains: Mild sexual references. Language.
Disclaimer: This fiction is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling and affiliates. No money is being made and no offense is intended. Characters are of legal age for sexual situations.

Sunday 4th March

It means nothing. It really doesn't. Every bloke has thought about what it would be like to get it on with a mate at one time or another, and anyone who claims otherwise is a liar. How could they not wonder, what with everyone jammed like sardines into the one dorm, sharing the same bathroom, noting the changes that are occurring in each other as the years pass and hormones begin to rush dizzyingly through our suddenly uncontrollable bodies. And when you're naked and wet with another bloke who is obviously thinking about it as hard as you are at that very same moment... well, I've never been known for my restraint, have I?

Remus should have seriously known better, though. What is the point in having him around if he doesn't stop the rest of us from doing stupid things like wrapping a hand around one of your best mate's cock and getting him off under the shower?

And letting him return the favour.

Tuesday, 6th March

Let me tell you, once you've had someone else's hand on your dick... Well, giving yourself a bit of self-love is just not the same, not once you know what you're missing. And everyone does it. The whole school knows about those photographs Flitwick found of his Seventh Year boys having an orgy a few years back, although you'd think that Ravenclaws would be smart enough not to leave the evidence lying around. Even if it is just mucking around, who wants the teachers to know about it?

Wonder what Flitwick did with those photographs...

Anyway, like I was saying, it's just curiosity, just a bit of a laugh, so when I caught Remus's eyes sliding over to me as we were getting ready for bed last night, there was no reason not to slip into his bed once the others fell asleep.

No reason at all.

Saturday, 17th March

Kissing a bloke is kind of like kissing a girl, although Remus was a bit stubbly because he shaves in the morning, and his lips were a bit rougher, but he didn't call me a cannibal for biting his lip like Tracey Singer did so I reckon I can put up with a bit of stubble rash, just this once.

Everyone does this before they get a proper girlfriend so it's okay that I liked it, that as soon as I hide this journal from Prongs, I'm going to see if Remus is still awake.

I mean, it doesn't mean anything.

Sunday, 25th March

It's just been so easy to keep slipping into Remus' bed after lights out. After all, neither of us have girlfriends to help us out, and Remus is willing to do a whole lot of stuff that feels so good...

So am I, as it turns out, but, hey, I'm all about fair play. I can't really let him suck my cock or mouth at my balls or shove his tongue in my arse - and who knew how fucking incredible that would feel? - without reciprocation.

It's all good practice for when we get girlfriends. It's not all that different, surely? It's all tonguing nipples, and rubbing between legs, and finding that one special spot that will drive them out of their mind. (Remus likes it when I bite his neck. So do I - fuck, it's good!)

And this is the most fun I've ever had learning. Minnie would be proud of how fast I'm picking it all up!

Monday, 2nd April

James caught us a couple of days ago. Gods, the look on his face when he saw us naked, Remus' come all over his belly and me in the middle of adding to it! He asked me about it later and I told him it was just for laughs, just a bit of relief.

I'm not sure he believed me.

Thursday, 12th April

Peter asked if I was gay today. I nearly wet myself laughing. He looked confused and kept staring at me and Remus over the chicken and ham pie all through dinner, as if he was trying to work us out. It's pretty funny, actually. The way they both are acting like it's something huge when it's just me and Moony having fun.

Maybe they need to have some more fun themselves instead of boring wanks alone in their beds. Then they'd see why Moony and I prefer to offer each other a little friendly help.

I told Remus what Peter said and he smiled, but he didn't think it was as funny as I did. I do wonder sometimes, if Remus fancies me, just a little. I see him watching me while we're fooling around, or after we've finished, and he gets a really strange expression on his face – soft, but kind of scared...

I hope he knows I don't fancy him back. This is fun and all, but it's not forever. I'm not gay.

Friday, 13th April

God, stupid Peter and his stupid questions! He's making see things that aren't there. I'm not gay! I don't fancy blokes! I mean, yeah, I'm doing this thing with Moony, but it's MOONY! I like it when he touches me, and I don't mind returning the favour, but I don't fancy him.

I'm going to put some toad eyes in Wormtail's Hiccuping potion tomorrow. That'll teach him to mind his own bloody business!

I can hear someone moving around. I think it's Remus coming over. I'm going to tell him I'm not interested in doing this anymore, maybe start looking for that girlfriend tomorrow.

Yep, definitely.

Sunday, 15th April

Girlfriend search put off for a little longer. Remus showed me where my prostate is last night. Fuck me, I think I went blind when I came!

I can't keep my fucking hands off him today - I've been half-hard since I saw him licking jam off his fingers at breakfast.

I'm off to return the favour right now. Hope the Silencing Charms hold up - Moony's a bit of a screamer!

Wednesday, 25th April

I can't remember when I realised that this... thing Remus and I do, it isn't something everyone does, or when I realised that I'm starting to crave it, but I will never forget the minute I realised that Remus loves me.

It was just after I told him I'd rather like to know how his cock would feel buried balls deep in my arse. I don't think I'll ever forget that look on his face either; that odd mix of fear and lust and confusion as we lay beside each other in his bed.

He told me no. He said he wouldn't do it because things were going too far, because what we've been doing – it wasn't just for fun for him anymore. It meant something to him.

He likes me.

He loves me.

So, we've stopped doing it because I can't be that person. Because I can't be what he wants me to be. Because this was just supposed to be playing, fun, and it was never meant to be forever.

I think I made him cry. I didn't see him – he'd never let me see him - but I heard him, later, when he thought I was asleep.

I thought he knew. I didn't ever want to hurt him.

Shit.

Friday, 4th May

It feels as though my heart has been ripped from my chest, and, every time I look at him, I want to cry. Gods, what's happening to me?

Tuesday, 8th May

James Potter is an arsehole! He doesn't know a fucking thing about me or Moony or anything!

Monday, 14th May

I don't know when I fell in love with Remus, when I started needing him to kiss me to get me through the day, or when making him smile became the most important thing in my life. All I know is that every moment without him hurts.

I just reread that, and I sound absolutely ridiculous.

I guess that proves that it's love, huh?

Wednesday, 16th May

I don't know I'm gay, or if it's just... Remus. I... I think I'm okay with it being just Remus. I'm not sure if I can call myself gay or bisexual, though. Maybe in time, maybe once I've thought about it a bit more. But right now, I can see Remus watching me as I write, pretending he's not aware that I'm watching him as well, and as soon as I put this journal away, I'm going to kiss him, and tell him that I want him and that I hope he still wants me.

Who wouldn't, though? I'm a bit of a catch for any bloke.

Here goes. Wish me luck.

fin.