Chapter Twenty: Whenever You're Ready.

"You okay?" Billy asked quietly as he felt Spencer's body start to relax a little; the kid had been crying so hard for at least fifteen minutes straight. He rubbed at Spencer's back gently, not really knowing what else to do for him right now.

Spencer took a couple of deep breaths before answering. "Y-yeah." He said and pulled away from Billy, letting his hands slide down from the man's neck to his shoulders to his upper arms where he let them rest, gripping lightly at the leather jacket. "Sorry...I didn't mean to..." He said quietly, fading off.

"Y' don't gotta be sorry." Billy told him, his hand pushing Spencer's hair out of his face. "Erm, I..."

"I don't want to know." Spencer cut in quickly. "I know whatever you did was for me...and I-I t-t-thank-you but...I really don't want to know what it is you did exactly. I'd rather be kept in the dark about the whole the thing...i-if you don't mind." He swallowed hard; he didn't want Billy to think he was ungrateful...because he was grateful, worried and scared about it, but still grateful for Billy protecting him...he just didn't want to hear what he had done to the man. He couldn't deal with that.

"Fair enough." Billy said.

"Sorry."

"Stop saying that."

"...Sorry."

Billy opened his mouth to snap at the kid, but saw the slight tiny little playful smile on his lips. He sighed and smiled. "Yeah, yeah." He sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to hurt Spencer. He looked at the kid, at how pale he was still, at how his hair was sticking out all over the place, at how the thin hospital gown was hanging off one of his shoulders. He reached his hand out and ran his knuckles over the pale smooth skinned shoulder before pulling the gown up to where it should be. He watched Spencer look at his own shoulder and then at him, a soft but...he couldn't tell if the look was confusion or hurt. He touched the kid's cheek quickly before asking, "Have the docs said anything 'bout when you can leave?"

Spencer looked at Billy, his brown eyes locked with Billy's bright blue ones; he knew why Billy was asking when he could leave...and he knew what the man's next question was going to be after he answered the first. "Err, he said if the stitches don't open again tonight or in the morning...I can go home, if I'm feeling alright."

"Really? So you're comin' home?" Billy asked, happily.

"Yeah," Spencer said quietly. "but...I don't have a home to go to."

Billy's face hardened; how could the kid think he didn't have a home? He had one with him! Just as he opened his mouth, about to tell Spencer this, he realised why the kid had said he didn't have a home. He had killed his dad, lied to him, raped him, beat his friend up, and killed someone for him. Spencer wasn't going home...at least not with him. He shut his mouth, his jaw tensing.

Spencer noticed the change in Billy's behaviour...and he could tell the man knew he wasn't able to go with him. "I guess I'll just have to go home and...I don't know, get used to it or t-try and move or something." He said quietly.

"You could..." Billy said and then shut his mouth again; what was he thinking? Spencer wouldn't do that...he couldn't do that.

Spencer leaned forward a little. "I could what?" He asked softly.

Billy sighed, feeling idiotic for even thinking it...never mind suggesting it. "Y' could always move into the bar. I don't mean...in with me...just, I don' know, into the bar. I mean you'd be safe there, not that y' not safe at home but..." He sighed, agitated. "Shit, I don' know!"

Spencer smiled softly. "I wish...I would really like that, I mean to move back in with you." He reached his hand and hesitantly took hold of Billy's. He squeezed the man's big hand, he really did like his hands...he could remember them touching him, from just touching his shoulder to when he was laid naked with them running all over his body.

"So...why don't y'?" Billy asked, knowing he probably shouldn't but he just couldn't help it...he wanted Spencer to come back to him. "Please. Listen, I know I screwed up...I know that, but please I can make it up to y'!" He said leaning closer to Spencer, taking hold of his face.

"You'll make it up to me?" Spencer asked, frowning. "You know I forgave you for what happened that night...but you killed my dad!" He said in a whispered voice; he didn't want anyone overhearing what he was saying. "How on earth could you make that up to me?"

"No, I didn't mean..." Billy trailed off and sighed. "I don't wan' t' lose you." He admitted.

"You already have, Billy." Spencer said, sadly. His eyes filled with tears. He hadn't meant to say that. Why did he say that? He loved Billy despite what the man had done...but he knew he couldn't just ignore the fact that he had killed his dad.

Billy's jaw clenched. He ran his hand over his head, frustrated. He shot from the bed and stormed to the door, heading to leave. No, he couldn't just leave. He couldn't leave things with Spencer like this. He couldn't! He turned around, and seeing Spencer sat starring at him wide eyed, he started to pace around the room angrily. His hands clenching into fists and then un-clenching. "You...I can't...not you, not now..." He said sketchily, his voice hard with hurt and disbelief and anger. "It was his fault!" He yelled. "He racked up debt, he tried to fuckin' sell y'! I said no! I didn't take you! I didn't even take you to sell y' for sex or some other shit, and believe me there'd o' been a lot of fuckin' men who'd o' wanted y'! I could o' made hundreds if not more from y', but I fuckin' didn't!"

Spencer sat starring at Billy and his outburst. The older man was so angry...but even more hurt and upset. He knew he had hurt Billy by saying he'd lost him, but he hadn't thought the man would be this hurt. He knew what Billy was saying was true, that his dad had made a lot of debt...and that he had tried to sell his own son...but deep down he knew it wasn't enough to forgive Billy for killing his dad...even though he wanted to. He climbed out of bed, clumsily but steadily as he listened to Billy venting. He made his way over to the older man slowly.

Billy had been watching Spencer, but he hadn't even noticed he'd gotten out of bed until he was standing in front of him.

Spencer fisted one hand in Billy's shirt and reached his other up to cup Billy's cheek.

Billy stared down at Spencer. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by...

Spencer moved closer to Billy, their bodies almost touching, and pressed his lips to the older man's. He just wanted to feel Billy's lips against his, just for a little while. He felt Billy's hands on his hips and then he was pulled the rest of the way so their bodies were touching, a little roughly. His arms wrapped around Billy's neck...and held onto him as if his life depended on it.

Billy tightened his grip on Spencer's hips as he felt the kid pull his mouth off of his. He went to press his lips back to Spencer's...but was stopped when Spencer put his hand over his mouth. He frowned in confusion.

"I..." Spencer took a deep breath. "I love you. I really do but...I can't just forgive you, not right now." He bit his bottom lip as he pulled his hand away from Billy's mouth. He was sure the man was going to be mad again.

"But you're saying you can forgive me?"

"I'm saying I'll try." Spencer told him...but they both somehow knew what he had said meant yes.

Billy smirked. "So you're giving me a chance to make it up to you." He wrapped his arms around Spencer and held him tightly. Damn, he was a lucky son of a bitch. No one should be given a second chance for killing their lover's parent unless they were a bastard...and lucky for him, Spencer's dad had been a big one.

"No. I don't want you to make it up to me, because you can't." Spencer told him.

"I don' get what y' sayin', you just said you'd try an' forgive me."

Spencer pulled out of Billy's embrace and looked up at him. "And I'm going to, but you can't make it up to me. I just need to forgive you...but I think to do that, I need to spend a little time away from you." He said quietly.

"Wha-? Spence, I really don' fuckin' get it." Billy told him.

Spencer sighed, tearfully, and covered his face with his hands. "I just...how are you not getting this? I-I could forgive you, right now! But I can't because i-it's not right...and it's not fair to my d-dad! I just need a little time to be okay w-with going back to you." He took a few deep breaths. "I just...I-I have to be okay with it...o-otherwise we aren't going to w-work." He finished. He vaguely wondered if they even had a chance at all. He was going to be joining the FBI. Billy was a gang lord. What hope did they have anyway?

"Okay, kid." Billy said as he wrapped his arms around Spencer's shuddering shoulders. "We'll do this however you want, I just need you back...whenever you're ready."

-BREAK-

Spencer finished buttoning his shirt up. He had wanted to wear one of his jumpers, but every time he lifted his arms to pull it over his head he would get a sharp pain in his stomach...so he had decided against wearing one. He looked up and caught himself in the mirror on the bedside unit. He looked so pale and he had huge dark circles under his eyes. He looked so ill.

It had been two days since he had seen Billy, since he had told him about wanting some space. He sighed. All he wanted was to go to the Four Roses, go up to Billy's room and just see the older man. He didn't want to go home, to the house where his father was murdered, to the house where he was going to be alone. He wanted Billy.

He turned around to look at the doors as he heard them open. He smiled. "Gideon?" He asked, surprised. He hadn't seen his mentor in a little while. "W-what're you doing here?"

Gideon smiled lightly. "I came to pick you up; thought you'd need a lift."

"O-oh, yeah, thanks." Spencer said quietly. "H-how did you know I was in here?"

Gideon sighed. "I was wondering where you were, I had gone to your school to talk with you...but you weren't there, and the office said you'd missed all your classes for the past few days." He paused for a moment. "Morgan. I got it out of Morgan. He said you didn't want me to know."

Spencer scratched the back of his head, nervously. "I, err, I didn't want you...t-to worry or anything...a-and..."

"You knew I'd try to find a way to put this on Billy Darley?"

Spencer looked up, his eyes locking with Gideon's for only a moment before he looked away again. "Yeah." He mumbled.

"Spencer, I know how you fe-," Gideon was cut off a Spencer's ringtone started playing.

"Oh, excuse me." Spencer said and flipped his phone open, answering it. "Hello?"

"Spencer, it's me." Billy's voice came down the phone. "I know y' said about space and stuff, but I was wondering if y' wanted a lift home, or something?"

Spencer smiled softly. "That would have been nice, but a friend of mines here and he's offered to take me home."

"That black guy?"

"No." Spencer said, irritated slightly. "Gideon. Is there anything else you needed? We we're just in the middle of a conversation."

"Yeah, err, no, I meant no."

"A-are you sure?"

"Well, y' said y' needed space...but how long is that goin' to be? And I assume y' don't want me callin' you or an'thing, right?"

"Yes, I'd prefer that...and I don't know how long. This isn't something I can just-,"

"Yeah, okay, I get it...just, not too long, alright?"

"I'll try my best." Spencer said. He heard the phone beep, and he was sad Billy hadn't even said bye to him before hanging up. He turned around to look back at Gideon. "I just need to sign the release papers and then I can go."

Gideon nodded and left the room, waiting for Spencer to follow him.

-BREAK-

Billy hung up. He didn't even say bye. If he had said bye, it would have felt as if he was really saying goodbye to Spencer...for good. And he wasn't going to do.

Damn, the kid had made him soft.

He was a gang leader, a vicious, threatening, conniving, terrifying gang leader...and a murderer...and he was going soft because of a seventeen year old kid. This wasn't good. It really wasn't good for him, for his gang or even his rep...so why didn't he care?

He shook his head; he knew why. He walked through the back door of the bar...he just wanted to go upstairs, drink the bottle of whiskey that was in his room and fall asleep...but as soon as he saw Bodie, he knew he wasn't going to get what he wanted. 'That makes two things I can't have what I wan' today.' He thought with dark self-mockery.

"Hey man," Bodie started, but stopped and looked around the bar. "where's the kid?"

"He ain't comin'." Billy said and shoved passed Bodie, walking through the door that led to the upper floors of the building.

"Hey," Bodie said as he followed Billy up the stairs. "what'd y' mean he ain't comin'? He dump y?" He watched Billy turn to face him, an angry and truly scary look on his face. "Whoa, man, chill. I was just messin'."

"Just...shut the fuck up and get lost."

"Where is he though?"

Billy sighed and leaned against the wall. "He, err, he wanted...he needs some space, y'know time on his own."

Bodie leaned against the wall opposite Billy, crossing his arms over his chest. "Maybe that's for the best. Oh, man, stop with the glares! Y' know I like the kid...an' I think he's good for y', but after everything...y' should have some distance an' let him think things through for a bit." He paused for a moment.

"But..." Billy stopped himself before he could say that he just wanted Spencer with him. "I get that I killed his dad but the guy was an ass! He deserved it...right?"

"Hey, I agree wit' y' man, but Spencer's still...he's still just a kid, man, and you took his dad away...he can't jus' forgive an' forget, can he?"

Billy ran a hand over his face. "Damn, when did y' start makin' sense, eh man?" He said and half-smirked.

Bodie smirked and made his way back down the hallway. He stopped and looked over his shoulder at Billy. "How long'd he want 'way from y'?"

Billy shrugged. "He didn't say."

Bodie nodded with a somewhat apologetic look on his face. He left the hallway.

Billy went into his room and grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the kitchen. If he continued feeling the way he was right now –angry, hurt, upset, annoyed...and most of all lonely and empty- he would be needing a lot more whiskey.

-BREAK-

Gideon pulled up outside of Spencer's house. The car ride had been quiet; neither of them spoke unless Spencer was giving directions. He turned to look at Spencer. "That was Billy Darley on the phone, earlier in the hospital?"

Spencer didn't turn to look at Gideon; he kept his face directed towards his house, his eyes glued to it. "Yes." He said and neither one of them spoke for a couple of minutes. He opened his mouth without thinking about what he was saying, "Is it bad?"

Gideon frowned lightly. "Is what bad?"

"Is it bad how I...how I feel about Billy?" Spencer asked, still looking out of the window. "I know it's wrong...but is it bad of me to feel like I do? Does it make me a bad person?"

'How do you feel about him?' Gideon wanted to ask...but he already knew the answer to that question without having to be told. "That kind of feeling is...complicated." He told the young boy. "But, does it feel bad?"

Spencer turned to look at Gideon, his cheeks and eyes red as he tried to hold back tears. "Sometimes." He whispered. "But...no, not most of the time."

Gideon smiled softly. "Then no, it's not a bad thing and it certainly doesn't make you a bad person, Spencer."

Spencer smiled. "Thank-you." He climbed out of the car and bent down, looking at his mentor. "And thanks for the lift...and everything else."

"You're welcome. I'll bring you some case files over sometime soon...and maybe get Agent Hotchner to come too?"

Spencer's smile brightened. "That would be great! Thank-you." He said and shut the car door, waving at Gideon as the man drove off. He turned to look at the house...his house. He sighed. He could do this. He'd be okay. It was going to take some time to get used to been back home...but he was hoping it wouldn't take that long to be okay with forgiving Billy for what he'd done. He knew it would take a little while...but he hoped not too long, he wanted to go back to Billy, back to his real home. He walked up the stairs to the front door. Slowly he unlocked the door, took a deep breath and walked into the house.

The End!

Thanks for reading, reviewing, faving and alerting! So, this is officially the end of 'The Four Roses' but I think I'm going to be writing a prologue chapter too.