WARNING: CRACKFIC ALERT

I do not own Naruto,

This story is slightly wack, read at your own risk.

Rated T for... certain stuff

Orochimaru crawled out from under Sakura's bed as he heard the door closing. He pressed into the blanket, inhaling the sweet scent of flowers coming off of the pillow. After laying there for a moment thinking of Sakura's silky pink hair, her charmingly wide forehead, her innocent face, her slight figure, he sighed with exhaustion. He was too old for a life of killing hokages and destroying villages. It was around time he pursued love. Not the same love he had for Sasuke; he had only wanted Sasuke for his body. It was time he won Sakura's heart.

Filled with new enthusiasm, he rose from the bed and slid into Sakura's closet. Slowly he moved along every piece of clothing, smelling, feeling, tasting.

…

Sakura hummed, strolling through the leaf filled trees, taking the long way to the training ground. She stopped mid-thought, her hand reaching towards a dew-covered red rose.

"Ah no! Not again!" She scrambled along a few twigs, turning back around and broke into a run. She couldn't believe she forgot all about the bracelet she'd been making for Jerriah. Turns out old Pervy Sage found himself a wife. Pretty shocking, I know.

...

Finally, Sakura reached her house, bustling through the front entrance, she open her room door. She froze. Leaned over her underwear rack, his faced pressed against her panties, was Orochimaru. Sakura screamed as loud as she could.

2 Days Later: In the Courtroom

There were whispers among the crowd that bounced around in the walls of the Courtroom. "What was he thinking? Making Kakashi his lawyer?"

Lady Tsunade thumped the table in front of her impatiently, itching under her powdery judge wig. "Is your lawyer planning on showing up, or do you admit guilty? Either way, you have five minutes."

Orochimaru smiled, his tongue slightly sliding out and slurping around his lips, "He'll be here in time."

Tsunade snorted. "Kakashi? On time? I don't think so. In fact, I'll bet you a hundred."

"Two hundred." Orochimaru offered.

"Two hundred" Tsunade confirmed. Just then, the courtroom entrance door opened a crack.

"Am I late?" Kakashi asked, not expecting a response. Tsunade rose from her seat, flinging her arms at Kakashi's dirdection.

"You chose TODAY to be on time?" She pressed her hand against her forehead and sat back down. "Order, Order." She murmered, earning a squeal from Naruto. He turned around to face Sakura, adjusting his tie.

"How the hell do I do this?" he looked over at Sasuke who was… reading Make-out Paradise. What? How? WHAT?

"Naruto…" Sakura started, bursting into tears. She turned and rested her head on Ino's shoulder.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Ino rose from her seat and stormed over to Naruto, pulling of his tie and placing it on her own neck. "You dunce!" She bellowed at him. His face reddened.

"I am not a dunce, I have a law degree. Believe it!" He held up a shabby-looking diploma and hit on the head with it. Ino narrowed her eyes and tried to reach for a shurikan. This just got a whole lot more personal

"Now you've got it." Ino was suddenly distraced by Sakura's wails. "Stop crying already billboard brow!"

"What a drag…" Shikamaru said for no apparent reason.

"Food!" Choji agreed. Tsunade rolled her eyes, sighing. She turned to Sakura, seeming bored. "So you want to file a restraining order on Orochimaru? Is that right?" Sakura just went on crying.

"Yes she does." Ino answered in Sakura's place.

"Granted. Orochimaru, you're guilty." Tsunade pulled off her powdery wig and headed towards the exit.

"This isn't right! Whatever happened to trial by jury?" Orochimaru rolled his tongue out, all the way to the floor in frustration. He turned to where Kakashi was previously standing, only to find him gone.

"Sasuke. I'll only say it one time and I wont say it again. Give. Me. My. Book. Back!" Kakashi's eyes-er, eye- radiated sternness. Sasuke just smiled eerily at Kakashi then buried his face in his hand. When he pulled his face out again, there were tears streaming down his eyes, his expression that of an agonized, wounded child.

"Big brother! Kakashi-sensei is being mean to me!" Sasuke wailed, rubbing his eyes. To Kakashi's surprise, Itachi Uchiha appeared right behind Sasuke, his sharingan gleaming. Caught off-guard, Kakashi made the mistake of looking into those crimson, cold, vicious, three-pupil-ed eyes.

"Never. NEVER. Bully my baby brother again." The words hung in air, repeating over and over in Kakashi's head as shurikans were thrust into his flesh, the pain refusing to falter no matter how loud he screamed. The pain seemed to last an eternity when it really a lasted a mere few seconds. Kakashi dropped to his knees, making the newly appeared Guy-sensei burst into tears.

"My rival. My beautiful, Uchiha-wannabe rival…" Guy cried. He kifted Kakashi's head, stroking his face. Seeing his sensei in such distress, Rock Lee across to Naruto who was sitting under a tree with Hinata.

"Oh Naruto, you sexy devil!" Hanata said, blushing bright red.

"Oh Hinata, you- What do you want Bushy Brow?"

"The harem jutsu!" Rock Lee exclaimed, jumping up in the air, his hair flying astray in symmetry.

"You perv! Not in a million years, believe it!" Naruto pumped his fist in the air.

"Not for me. For Itachi." Rock Lee clarified.

"Why? Did the shark guy leave him or something?" Naruto asked, pulling out his picture album of Itachi and Kisame's vacation. He pointed to a picture of them holding hands on top of the Grand Canyon.

"No- ell…" Rock Lee told Naruto his plan.

Orochimaru was standing behind a tree the whole time, listening, his tongue in an absolute frenzy of rolling. He had been planning on setting off on a journey of self-discovery, but that could wait until this little plot was put into action. The humiliation of Itachi Uchiha… delicious. He allowed himself a smile in contemplation of his old days of evilness. Sigh… Being good was no fun.