So this is my first story! I never thought my first story would be in the humor category but whatever.

The characters are a little out of character. It takes place during the scene when Edward leaves Bella in New Moon. It just doesn't go as planned this time…. There is some language, but I'm pretty sure you guys can deal.

Some of you may ask, 'Why can't Edward hear Voldemort's thoughts?' The answer: VOLDEMORT IS AWESOME! That's why.

I might make it into more than just a one shot.

You Again?

I am in a small town in North America. It is a dreary, wet place, and I have no desire to be here. Sadly I have duties to attend to very near this place that I cannot leave to my followers.

It is night time as I walk through a massive, green forest. The moon is full and shines down eerily on the fog covered earth of the forest.

Ahead I can hear voices. One male and one female I guess. The one sounds familiar. I never do forget a voice.

Of course! It's that boy who was with Harry Potter. He's the one boy who I killed in the graveyard after the Triwizard Tournament. Cedric Diggory. His voice sounds different now.

The two come into my vision, but I am invisible to them, thanks to a spell. Sure enough there he is, standing next to a rather dull young muggle girl in a clearing in the forest.

She mutters in a mind-numbing, humdrum of a voice, "Edward, please don't leave me."

Oh good lord, so he's calling himself Edward now is he?

"Bella, I can't stand to hurt you anymore. All that I have brought you is trouble." He says back.

What the hell happened to his voice? Wasn't he British? I bet he thinks he's so amazing just because he can change his voice like that. Herpdy freakin derp! I'm a shiny, perfect American now!

"Edward, p-please," the girl Bella stutters. If she starts crying I WILL fucking kill her.

"I-I don't care if you're a vampire! I love you!" she mutters.

Oh so you love him now do yo- what the hell? Vampire? When between me casting the killing curse and him lying cold and dead on the ground did he decide it was possible to become a vampire? Avada Kedavra is an irreversible, inexorable curse! You cannot just become a vampire after you have already been killed. What type of little world does this 'Edward' live in?

Well I can simply fix this.

I make my way out from behind the tree I've been standing behind. I lift the invisibility spell and step towards them.

The boy sees me first and his eyes widen in surprise. Ahah! I have you now. Let us see your vampire ass survive the killing curse the second time through!

"Cedric Diggory-"

"Hey, can you give us a minute?" that vile girl gripes at me. Cedric's head whips over to gape at her.

"Um Bella-" he murmurs to her.

"No! You will not use this as an excuse to stop this conversation! You are not leaving me! I can handle this stuff! And I can definitely handle some pasty, nose less freak in a robe!" This bitch thinks I'm pasty? She's a human and she is almost as pale a her little vampire boyfriend! "You know if you would just turn me into a vampire I could deal with this stuff better! You should've just let me turn into one after James bit me!" Or you should've just snapped her neck right then and there, I think.

"B-Bella. What is wrong with you! You're killing us both!" Cedric/Edward croaks.

I raise my wand. The girl dies first.

Before I can curse her she whips around and stalks angrily towards me.

"Bring it bitch!" she screams.

Well okay then foolish girl.

"Avada Kedav-" from out of nowhere a giant beast jumps out of the forest and attacks Cedric. I am distracted and stop to watch. It is like a giant wolf. Some type of parody of one of the Children of the Moon.

"Jacob!" the banshee of a girl shrieks, "Don't hurt Edward! You know I love you both! Why can't you just accept that?" This Bella obviously has some weird taste in men.

Jacob the wolf is ripping at Cedric's head but he grabs the wolf by the tail and launches him high into the air. I look up as he rips straight up into the sky and through a cloud. It's almost like some kind of cartoon. A really, really sucksh cartoon

"Edward you can't treat Jacob like that!" Bella mumbles grasping onto Cedric's arm in a painful looking death grip, as he stumbles backwards away from me into the woods.

"We've got to get out of here! Quick!" Edward whispers to her. In his panic his voice slips back into his British accent.

He whips around and runs away with her still gripping his arm unwilling to ever let go.

The words, "Why do you sound British?" are left behind by the girl.

Well that was weird. Maybe I don't need to kill him after all. If he dies he will have peace and quiet away from that wretched girl. Leaving him like this would be best. Once he gives into her nagging he will turn her into a vampire, then poor little Cedric will be stuck with her for all eternity. It's probably just as bad as being kissed by a dementor.

It is fitting.

I leave the clearing chuckling to myself, in a much better mood. I laugh even harder as I hear the body of the wolf hit the earth behind me.