Hey, welcome to the story. Stupid opening is stupid.

So I got this idea while running around at boot camp.

For my group of friends who even bother reading these stories (Montana) maybe it's a little ironic that as Germany, I attend a boot camp.

But anyway, I was thinking there's not enough Pirate!Spain and there are no stories where Romano is a pope and Spain is a pirate at the same time.

Since I know none of the original writers will ever read my stories I really don't feel the need to write disclaimers.

Enjoy!~

CH 1 Hell is a seductive Spaniard who lives on a boat

Lovino's POV

"Sir Vargas, come quick!" I turn to the apprentice I had put myself in charge of."The king needs your guidance on how to deal with something." Since I knew the king, he wouldn't have told my apprentice what he needed me for.

I follow him down the hall, white robes swishing. Really, I had never wanted to be a holy man, not even the pope with all his righteous power. But my mother had sworn it was what God wanted so here I am, attending a king who actually thought I talked directly to God.

Although I didn't say so out loud, I thought the king was a fool who needed to get his pompous ass off of his thrown of clouds and take matters into his own hands.

The apprentice swings open the door for me and I waltz in. King Roderich sat poring over a strategy map with various boats placed on it.

"What is it this time?" I ask in an agitated voice. The king looks up, blue-violet eyes glinting.

"Pirates. Again. You think they'd just leave us alone for all the trouble we give them but they always come back. I need to know if God thinks it a wise decision to move our ships over here but I'm not so sure…" He leads off, staring back at the map.

The queen walked over and wiggled a knife to move a few of the boats around. "What does God think about this?" I refrain from rolling my eyes and pull out my rosary.

"I'll ask." Really, it was common sense. Queen Elizabeta's course of action was the best one covering all bases evenly. "God has chosen to stand behind the queen on this decision."

I start to walk away when Elizabeta stops me. "I almost forgot. You will be attending the banquet right? Your brother will be there." I sneer at the wall. Throwing lavish parties while your own people died in the cold? The very idea was unforgivable.

"I will need to consult God on this matter." Both monarchs knew this meant no. Especially since my stupid brother was going to be there with his bastard body guard.

Antonio's POV

I knew it. The king was positioning his navy to stop the invading pirates. And I also knew that it was the king's pope that had directed this.

I had only met him once, this pope. I was to be hanged at the gallows after being captured. Somehow, the pope had convinced the executioner and the king that it was the will of God that I not die that day.

That night, the pope had visited me. His words still echoed in my mind."I know your type. You help the common people. No one should be executed for something like that. Even if you steal from nobles."He had let me out.

"Follow me closely and put this on."His bright hazel eyes flicked around as I put on the brown habit and drew up the hood. After a few minutes he had led me to a harbor where the remaining of my captured crew sat waiting in the sand.

Two passenger boats had been moored at the docks for use in getting to a boat moored a bit away. That boat was the same boat I was on now. Would he remember me?

The boat had originally been named "Sea Flower" but I wanted a more fitting name. So painted over the letters was the name "God's Love". Well, I thought it was clever.

Watching my crew hoist the Spanish flag, I toss my hat under some extra sail cloth. This wouldn't take long. After all, I had only come for one treasure in particular. An Italian priest who had bewitched my heart.

Lovino's POV

Since I wasn't attending the party, why not take a walk through the town? I leave my apprentice to take care of some books for the evening. He could attend the party if he wanted.

"After you're done here, Raivis, you may leave." He turns to me.

"Are you going somewhere?" He asks, concern flickering in his purple eyes. His timid demeanor usually got him picked on, well, until I picked him up that is.

"Just a walk. I can't stand these nobles anymore." And with that, I strolled out the door. I would go exploring in commoners clothes so the crowds wouldn't stop me but I kept my golden cross designated to my station around my neck.

Once in the town I head for the docks. A baker there sold some of the best bread to be found in the country. But since he was low class no noble would dare eat it.

I buy a few loafs and stroll over to a house. Since I no longer wore the priest's robes of my office, girls looked at me as I passed. No, not looked, they stared. Knocking on the door rewards me with the face of one of the few people who would know my station.

"Lovi! Come in, come in. How are you?" Alice asks as she opens the door wide. I untie a small bag from my belt and place it next to the bread I set on her table.

Alice had been a close childhood friend of mine and I probably might have ended up marrying her if I weren't a 'holy man'. But I could never like her that way.

The reason? I didn't find women attractive. It was men that got under my skin. But since I would be burned at the stake for this, I just kept it secret.

"What's this?" Alice asks, prodding the bag of coins on the table.

"To help with expenses. Don't you dare say no or I'll kick your fucking ass. Lady or not." Now that I was in her company I let my careful manners slip. She only giggled.

"It's appreciated. So, what's the reason you're out today?" She asks, storing her money under some floor boards.

"One of the queen's fucking parties. It's shameful how they waste the money of commoners. The king needs to get the stick out of his fucking ass." This earns another giggle.

"I swear Lovi, you could win a cussing tournament against any sailor OR soldier." It was a popular game, this cussing tournament. Soldiers would pit off against sailors to see who could cuss each other out the most. The loser bought the winning team drinks.

"Well, I'll just go finish my walk now and return to the castle before his lordship needs 'God's holy guidance'." I step out the door as she says goodbye and I walk down to the docks.

It was one of my favorite spots. I even assisted some of the sailors occasionally. As I pass a group of them one looks up.

"Lovino! How you been?" He asks. He belonged to a family I had helped last year.

"I'm good, you?" I ask back, leaning on a post.

"As good as can be expected with pirate ships out there. But one of them happens to be 'God's Love'. If ever there were good pirates, it be them." The pirates of 'God's Love' were familiar to me. They were called Robin Hoods of the sea, giving out half of their spoils to the poor folks of seaside towns.

I had saved their captain and half the crew last year. Supposedly, the captain, Antonio Hernandez Carriedo, was gay. Having him killed made me a hypocrite. Plus, he took care of the lower class.

I stroll along the docks and something catches my eye. Looking to the left I spot a merchant arguing with the docking captain.

"It'll be less than a day. Those prices you offer are insane. Who would pay that?" The docking captain points out the ships in the area. The merchant was not satisfied with this example.

"Excuse me. But could you tell me the docking fees?" Both of them turn towards me. The current cost should be around four coppers for one days mooring.

"Two silvers sir." The merchant looks at me as I kick a nearby barrel.

"Fucking idiot upped the price again. Doesn't he realize it's just killing his imports? Damn bastard, I swear!" I turn to walk away, intending to storm into the king's office and demand to know the reason for the change in prices.

Turns out, I would never get to. Instead I was lassoed from behind and dragged backwards.

A few guards who recognized me shouted for whoever caught me to stop, running at full speed. The person behind me yanked me into the air and ran towards a boat nearby. Despite my wriggling (He had managed to tie me up) he didn't drop me.

He basically vaulted up a boarding plank and as I turned to complain my face met the butt of a rifle. The last thing I heard before blacking out was someone reprimanding whoever hit me and another person shouting to raise the sails.

Antonio's POV

"God dammit Alfred. I didn't want to hurt him." The crazy American lowered his weapon with a sheepish expression.

"Sorry, I got carried away." He mutters. I let out a sigh.

"Just go man the sails. We need speed if we intend to get away from the Italian navy." Yong Soo, the one carrying my precious cargo, placed Lovi down gently. Alfred did as I bid and I crouch down next to the pope, shaking his knee gently.

Lovi let out a groan and opened his eyes. They slowly flickered to my face and he gives me a glare. A trickle of blood came from his mouth which I rubbed off with my thumb.

He lets me trace half of his lower lip before he swings up his leg. I dodge the kick and lean forward, straddling his legs so he couldn't strike out again.

"It's okay, you're safe." I coo to him, wrapping my fingers around his wrists.

"Okay? Okay? I'm being molested, I'm trapped on a pirate ship, AND I was just struck across my fucking face. Do you THINK I'm okay dumb bastard?" A bruise was spreading across his face and blood had started to trickle out again.

"He's not really molesting you père. I'm sure he'd oblige to though." The ship's cook, Francis, told him.

"Molestation was invented in Korea." Yong Soo pipes up followed by a chorus of 'we know!' Lovi scowls and starts blushing at Francis' comment.

My first mate, a German albino named Gilbert, hung off of Francis' shoulders. "Not Antonio. You know his stupid rule about equivalent exchange while we're on board."

It was true. I wouldn't try anything if I didn't give Lovi something in exchange. "Are you going to hit me?" He glares up at me, contemplating it.

He lets out a sigh. "Fine. Although God knows you need a beating. I should have just let them hang you. Pirates really are all the same." He gets up, dusting off his clothes. I make a motion to Gilbert and he snaps a metal collar around the pope's skinny, delicate, neck.

A/N

And thus ends the first chapter!

Translations:

Père- French for father. Francis is referring to Lovino's position as a priest/pope/whatever.

I doubt anyone will bother to read this so I could care less.

To those that did can R&R. It's not like the power of God or a pirate's sword compels you to though.