So... I don't know how far I am going to go with this, but I've been reading this story over, especially my supposed 'rewrite' and am cringing big time. I decided to try my luck once more at editing it and am already almost 1,000 words done. I posted a example in the Collection Pack of what I have done. I still find it a little... eh, but it's MUCH better than my other two versions. Please go take a look and let me know what you think. I plan to replace my rewrite version with what I am doing with these here.