The Concept of Self-Discovery

Summary: One night after a hard case, Emily and JJ sat there wallowing, drawing on each other's strength for comfort, from which emerged a new realization.

A/N: New CM fic, yay! This is an Em/JJ romance fic, but I would like to think it isn't going to be like most of them. This isn't simply fluff, but a more realistic story exploring the feelings of both the agents starting from the point where they realize they like each other. I felt that it was about time someone wrote an Em/JJ fic that was more in-depth than just the assumption that they were both attracted to women. I hope you enjoy it! Please R&R!

Chapter 1

(JJ'S POV)

It had been a tough one, but they had done it. And now they had returned back home, the two female FBI agents crashing at Emily's on her sofa while the TV hummed in the background. Whatever the show was, the two women weren't following it. Their minds couldn't handle shallow, not when they were plagued by the deep and tragic memories of the latest case. So many lives. So much bloodshed. So many of them had been children.

Instead they took comfort in each other's closeness, the two of them wrapped in a semi-embrace, cans of beer lying on the table half-drank and abandoned as they silently comforted each other. The warmth they shared served as a reminder that they were not grieving alone. The agents were all family; always there for each other. True, JJ could have gone home to Will and it could have been his embrace she was lying in, but sometimes things happened that only her fellow agents could understand - this case being one of them. You had to see it with your own eyes to really and truly understand.

Vivid echoes flashed through JJ's mind as parts of the scene replayed themselves. The body of that girl, barely more than six years old, lying there with a knife in her chest, struggling for air as Emily had tried to save her. The FBI hadn't been fast enough that day. They might have caught the unsub but they had failed to save the little girl's life. That was one more family left devastated by the loss of their child; one more family ripped apart by tragedy because one vicious man somehow thought it was okay to stab small children.

Emily's eyes were stoic and emotionless, but buried deep down was probably hurt. JJ knew that in such instances Emily took it upon herself to carry the blame - knew that she'd instantly decided it was her fault for not being able to save the little girl. That alone caused JJ to feel an overwhelming sense of sadness as she knew the exact opposite was true. Emily had put 110% into trying to save that girl and there was nothing more that she could have done. She couldn't have possibly done a better job than how she had performed today. But that wouldn't be good enough for Emily; no, such words would only bounce off her solid shield of disbelief and self-judgement.

Still, she had to say something. Anything that would bring the life back into Emily's features and get rid of this cold, stoic front she'd put on.

"You did great."

Emily cast a glance at JJ, her expression unchanging. Slowly she shook her head. If she had done great, the girl would still be alive. She wasn't.

"I could have saved her." Her voice was raspy. JJ wondered if she was struggling to hold back tears. It would be just like Emily to not cry no matter how badly she needed to.

"You couldn't have done any more," JJ replied, the statement earning her daggers from Emily's eyes.

"We should have gotten there sooner."

"We got the unsub. He can't hurt anyone else. You should be proud of that."

"There's always more."

JJ winced at Emily's icy tone. Unfortunately her last statement was true. Where one unsub was safely locked away, there were always more. JJ knew this first hand, having to pick just a small fraction of the cases that landed on her desk. It tore her apart to think she was deciding people's fate according to which cases she took, and that so much crime was left to be gotten away with because the FBI simply didn't have the time or resources to deal with everything.

"There is. But with every unsub we catch it's one less than before."

***
(EMILY'S POV)

Emily had to wonder at JJ for completely turning her statement around. Another person might have admitted defeat then, and wallowed that indeed there were always going to be criminals out there causing devastation and pain. JJ always managed to see the positive side of everything; always managed to make even the darkest and most desperate situations appear just that tiny bit better. Her words were a gentle reminder of the reason why they kept going when they knew their battle with crime was endless: because for all the families that were left devastated, there was a small percentage in which a life had been saved, and those precious lives were worth more than all the unnecessary death in the entire world.

Those words caused Emily to feel a rush of gratitude and affection towards the younger agent. She could have ended up wallowing with any of the other agents, but she was glad it was JJ. The others would have shared the same dark mindset as herself which would have led to an evening of doom and gloom. JJ, although troubled by the event - possibly even more so than the other agents because she was a mother - was a candle in the dark, bringing to light the tiny bit of good that had come out of all the badness, and because of this, Emily knew her evening wasn't going to be as bad as she'd thought it would be.

Then, upon a wild instinct, Emily suddenly had an urge to wrap her arms around JJ and hug her tightly but, not being the affectionate type, restrained herself. It hit her as to how hard this must be for JJ because the victim could so easily have been Henry, her beloved son. And yet JJ was here comforting her. Emily suddenly felt bad, and let out a huff.

"You should go be with Henry," she stated. She didn't really want JJ to leave but she couldn't be selfish. JJ would need her son more than ever right now.

"Don't worry; I saw him briefly before coming here." JJ's eyes lit up as she thought of her son, one of the few blessings in her life. Emily smiled but still felt bad that she was stopping JJ from seeing Henry.

Neither of them moved. Instead they sat exactly as they were, relaxed into each other in a comfortable silence. JJ's head rested in Emily's shoulder, and Emily's hand found its way to a strand of JJ's hair that had fallen forward, tucking it safely away behind her ear. JJ smiled up at her and Emily grinned back. JJ was probably the only member of the BAU that Emily had this kind of closeness with and it was something she treasured immensely.

***
(JJ'S POV)

Emily's touch upon her skin caused JJ to smile. It was one of those gentle touches, not quite a caress, but a little and rare display of affection from the older agent. She felt a pang in her stomach as she knew how lucky she was to have such a great friend. Emily wasn't touchy-feely, but that little gesture was one mark of how close the two agents were. Emily was smiling back at her and JJ couldn't help but feel warm and happy. Though Emily had used no words, the pain of the case suddenly seemed a lot less. Drawing on this, JJ took it upon herself to snuggle closer to Emily, as though the physical closeness could offer her more of this comfort.

Her face was now level with Emily's jaw, her lips almost but not quite touching that jawbone below her ear. Emily did not pull away from the increased closeness, instead allowing it to happen as though two good friends should be this close. There was something natural about the way they moved into each other, the same way that a lock and key were akin to an open door. Another time the situation might have been deemed odd, but both of the agents were hurting; both were in desperate need of each other's strength, and soon they were so close that there was barely any air between them. And, like to opposite poles on a magnet, they suddenly found themselves sucked into a current from which neither could pull themselves free. Their lips met.

It was a single second of bliss followed by a wave of absolute horror. Before she knew it, JJ found herself pulling away from Emily and staring in shock and fright. Emily didn't look as though she was faring much better, her compartmentalization skills not quite able to keep her face neutral - she took a bemused stance, her eyebrows frowning and her eyes looking at JJ questioningly.

Neither of them knew what to say.

In a single second, JJ knew she had done something horrible. Something she could never do again because it was the ultimate betrayal to her family. She marvelled that she hadn't even thought about Will until her lips had met Emily's, and mentally slashed herself for her heartlessness. Her heart was pounding, and her mind was filled with a million different thoughts. How would she ever explain this to Will? How could she have ever done this to Henry?

Why had she wanted to kiss Emily in the first place?

The worst thing was, as she looked into the eyes of the older agent, she knew she wanted to do it again.

A/N: Once again I remind you to please R&R! Ideas and suggestions are welcome as well. Thanks!