by Crystal Tiara17
Disclaimer: You know who owns Harry Potter. And I don't mean You-Know-Who, for the ignorant.
Summary: When you leave a message on the answering machines of the HP characters, what do the answering machines say? Is it just "You have reached the home of Harry Potter. Leave a message after the beep."? Oh, you'll find out soon enough.
HARRY POTTER
"Hi, this is Harry Potter. I'm busy for now, but leave a message if you please. If this is Hermione, please help me with my homework. If this is Ron, sure, I'd like to stay at your house again. If this is Malfoy, Lockhart (in case you're back from St. Mungo's), Rita Skeeter, Voldemort, a Death Eater, Snape, the Dursleys or a Slytherin, screw you and hang up. NOW. If it's about Quidditch, I'll be reporting for practice soon, whoever the new captain is. If you're one of my teachers, I didn't do it (whatever it is) and I turned in all my homework so you have no reason to ask for my homework. If this is Snuffles, hi! If this is Colin, go away and don't bother me. If this is Cho, I want a date! If you're one of those fans who want to see my scar or get my autograph, the answer is no and I didn't ever date you, and I wouldn't, even in your wildest fantasies. Now, if you're someone else, just leave a message after the--- *BEEP*"
HERMIONE
"Good day. This is Hermione Granger. I am busy with my homework, and I can't attend to your phone call now, so just leave a message after the beep. Press 1 for homework help, 2 if you're Viktor Krum or Ron, 3 for miscellaneous talk, 4 if you're one of my teachers, and hang up if you are Fleur Delacour or Malfoy. Have a nice day."
RON
"HELLO! HELLO? THIS IS RON WEASLEY, AND I---I---UM, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A PHELLYTONE OR AN ANSWERING MACHINE OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT! SAY WHATEVER YOU SAY AFTER THE BEEPING SOUND, LIKE THIS: 'BEEP'. BUT IF YOU'RE MALFOY, YOUR PHELLYTONE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 3 SECONDS. WAIT, AM I SPEAKING LOUD ENOUGH?"
MALFOY
"You've just reached the home of the richest wizard family, the Malfoys, who also happen to have the purest blood ever. I'm sure you think that calling here is an honor. However if you're a Muggle or a Mudblood, I don't see anything honorable about it, so hang up if you don't want to receive a free Crucio Curse with an Avada Kedavra too. You too, Potter and Weasley and all the other Gryffindorks out there. Make any prank calls and you'll hear from my father. He is the most respected person in the wizarding world. And you, Pansy Parkinson, you're not an exception, you hear me? I don't give a damn about the fact that you're a Slytherin. And for all you girls out there, no, I don't want to wear leather. Now if you'll just kindly leave a----oh, dammit! I've run out of time---*BEEP*"
OLIVER WOOD
"This is Oliver Wood, the best Quidditch player in Hogwarts and ex-team captain of the Quidditch team of Gryffindor. Before you leave a message, I'd like you to hear about my victories at Hogwarts and all my plans. Why, when I was a mere young child---*BEEP* (*sounds in the background are heard*: WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO BUY AN ANSWERING MACHINE WITH ONLY A FEW SECONDS LEFT FOR ME TO SPEAK?!)
GINNY WEASLEY
"Ginny Weasley speaking. Is that you, Harry? Press all the numbers on the phone if it's you and you can speak to the love goddess herself (*sounds of laughing in the background*). Okay, that's all!"
FRED AND GEORGE
"We're Gred and Forge, or Fred and George, the greatest pranksters of all time since Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. If you're here to order something from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, press 1. If you're Lee Jordan, press 2. If you're Angelina Johnson, press 3. If you're Alicia Spinnet, press 4. If you're here to leave a message for Fred, press 5. If it's for George, press 6. If it's for both of us, press 7. If you want a free sample of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes stuff, press 8. If you want a Hogwarts toilet seat, press 9, and 0 if what you want to say is not whatever is listed here. And remember, we are the original pranksters FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER!"
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
"Um, hi? I'm Neville. Why don't you leave a message while I find Trevor, my toad? By the way, have you seen Trevor?"
CRABBE AND GOYLE
"Duh, this is Crabbe, and duh, this is Goyle. Duh, we don't know what to do. Bye."
DUDLEY DURSLEY
"This is Dudley. If you're here to bring me food or gifts, leave a message. If not, forget it."
MINERVA McGONAGALL
"Hello. This is Professor McGonagall. Press 1 if you are here to ask about the lesson. Press 2 if it's about turning in your homework or anything about homework. Press 3 if you're Albus Dumbledore or a teacher. Press 4 if you're Miss Granger, and don't even think of leaving a message if you're a prank caller because I'll give you detention once I know who made the prank call."
SIRIUS BLACK
"Sirius Black here. Shhh...don't tell anyone! I'm kind of in hiding now, so, you know what to do. Leave a message. Though if you're Pettigrew, prepare to die."
VOLDEMORT
"I am Voldemort, the Dark Lord and the greatest person in the world. I'm busy taking over now so leave a message and I'll Avada Kedavra you later. As for you Death Eaters, meeting later, seven o' clock, Knockturn Alley!"
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
"Hello there! This is Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts. Most of the time I am busy, so I suggest that you leave the message and I'll call you back later. Please do not make any prank calls or I will ask the teachers to give you a detention! If this is Harry Potter, tell me what problem you're having now. Maybe I can help. If you'e a parent of a magical child who still has not received a letter from Hogwarts, don't worry, it'll be coming soon. Goodbye and have a nice, happy day."
PETER PETTIGREW
"I'm Pettigrew. Leave your message at once because I'm hiding, okay? Don't even think about leaving a message if you're Sirius Black, though. And no death threats! If you're the Master, I'm so sorry! I promise what happened before will never happen again!"
A/N: Snape's, Lupin's, Fleur's, Krum's, and some other characters' messages will be coming in future chapters. Don't worry, this isn't the end of this fic. R/R, okay!