Chapter One: So there's this long pointless search for Pippin and Merry…
So the remainder of the Fellowship stood around wondering what to do with themselves.
"Shit, Pippin and Merry have been kidnapped by orcs." Said Aragorn. "Let's waste a lot of time looking for them, because let's face it we're bloody useless to the plot now."
"Right." Said Legolas and Gimli, who had taken to riding the same horse, suggesting that Elf Lily Savage had been correct in her prophecy. So the Intrepid Trio set off, examining the ground closely for hobbit prints and droppings. After a while of pointless searching, Legolas put his ear to the ground.
"Horses come." He said.
"How do you know?" Asked Gimli.
"Ear all sticky." Replied Legolas.
"You bastard!" Cried Aragorn.
"Sorry, couldn't resist."
The trio wandered along for quite a while and eventually stopped to rest; Aragorn and Gimli slept fitfully, and every time they awoke they could see Legolas wanking in the dim light.
"You dirty bugger." Said Aragorn, and went back to sleep. When eventually the lazy bastards got on with it, they encountered some scary people on horseback – the interestingly named Riders of Rohan, who like most Men in the book looked like Boromir, which is no bad thing. They spoke the Common Speech of the West.
"'E ba goom, 'oo bin yow?"
"What?" Asked our intrepid heroes.
"Speak proper like what I do," said Aragorn, "for I am King of Men, and really groovy. I know elves, here's one, look." Legolas simpered. "I have an awful lot of names, which I won't go into," Aragorn continued, "but anyway, wassup?"
"Lots of nasty stuff has been going on." Said the chief Rider, who was a bit of a rude bugger. "By the way, I'm Eomer son of Eomund."
"I'm sorry to hear it." Said Aragorn. "Get well soon."
"No, no, that's my name. Anyway, as I was saying, bad tidings. People keep buggering off with our horses…first Boromir son of Denethor…"
"I know him." Said Aragorn.
"Then this old bloke called Gandalf…he ran off with one too…"
"We know him as well."
"Then you are horse-thieves!" Cried Eomer.
"No!" Replied Aragorn, jumping back in fear, and preparing to run away should it become necessary, "we are looking for some hobbits, have you seen them?"
"What the fuck's a hobbit?"
"Sort of little people."
"Those are dwarves."
"Not dwarves, cuter." Said Aragorn, and Gimli glared at him.
"Sorry, not seen any of those."
"They would probably have been holding hands."
"Oh, kinky, eh?" Said Eomer (A/N Kudos to the late great Spike Milligan for this phrase). "No, sorry, no hobbits here. But we could do with your help in fighting the forces of darkness, mate."
"Later." Said Aragorn. "First we must find our hobbits." And the Trio wandered off into a wood.
"Ah, the green smell!" Cried Legolas (original Tolkien dialogue ladies and gentlemen)
"What the fuck is he on?" Demanded Gimli and Aragorn. Nothing more happened for a while and then,
"Shit! Someone's nicked our horses!"
"Was it Boromir or Gandalf?" Asked Aragorn laconically.
So the remainder of the Fellowship stood around wondering what to do with themselves.
"Shit, Pippin and Merry have been kidnapped by orcs." Said Aragorn. "Let's waste a lot of time looking for them, because let's face it we're bloody useless to the plot now."
"Right." Said Legolas and Gimli, who had taken to riding the same horse, suggesting that Elf Lily Savage had been correct in her prophecy. So the Intrepid Trio set off, examining the ground closely for hobbit prints and droppings. After a while of pointless searching, Legolas put his ear to the ground.
"Horses come." He said.
"How do you know?" Asked Gimli.
"Ear all sticky." Replied Legolas.
"You bastard!" Cried Aragorn.
"Sorry, couldn't resist."
The trio wandered along for quite a while and eventually stopped to rest; Aragorn and Gimli slept fitfully, and every time they awoke they could see Legolas wanking in the dim light.
"You dirty bugger." Said Aragorn, and went back to sleep. When eventually the lazy bastards got on with it, they encountered some scary people on horseback – the interestingly named Riders of Rohan, who like most Men in the book looked like Boromir, which is no bad thing. They spoke the Common Speech of the West.
"'E ba goom, 'oo bin yow?"
"What?" Asked our intrepid heroes.
"Speak proper like what I do," said Aragorn, "for I am King of Men, and really groovy. I know elves, here's one, look." Legolas simpered. "I have an awful lot of names, which I won't go into," Aragorn continued, "but anyway, wassup?"
"Lots of nasty stuff has been going on." Said the chief Rider, who was a bit of a rude bugger. "By the way, I'm Eomer son of Eomund."
"I'm sorry to hear it." Said Aragorn. "Get well soon."
"No, no, that's my name. Anyway, as I was saying, bad tidings. People keep buggering off with our horses…first Boromir son of Denethor…"
"I know him." Said Aragorn.
"Then this old bloke called Gandalf…he ran off with one too…"
"We know him as well."
"Then you are horse-thieves!" Cried Eomer.
"No!" Replied Aragorn, jumping back in fear, and preparing to run away should it become necessary, "we are looking for some hobbits, have you seen them?"
"What the fuck's a hobbit?"
"Sort of little people."
"Those are dwarves."
"Not dwarves, cuter." Said Aragorn, and Gimli glared at him.
"Sorry, not seen any of those."
"They would probably have been holding hands."
"Oh, kinky, eh?" Said Eomer (A/N Kudos to the late great Spike Milligan for this phrase). "No, sorry, no hobbits here. But we could do with your help in fighting the forces of darkness, mate."
"Later." Said Aragorn. "First we must find our hobbits." And the Trio wandered off into a wood.
"Ah, the green smell!" Cried Legolas (original Tolkien dialogue ladies and gentlemen)
"What the fuck is he on?" Demanded Gimli and Aragorn. Nothing more happened for a while and then,
"Shit! Someone's nicked our horses!"
"Was it Boromir or Gandalf?" Asked Aragorn laconically.