Hello again...

I apologize for not updating in over a year...but that was because Artemis Fowl hacked into my bank account and stole everything...INCLUDING THE RECIPES!

It took this long to sort everything out and there are still complications left (damn you, you Irish child geniuses) so you will have to wait for a few months before the next recipe.

But NOT TO WORRY! Because now I present to you...Pagash Pierogi. Also known as Polish Pizza. From Hokuto Uchiha, who answered the last riddle correctly and has been forced to wait for OVER A YEAR to claim her prize because SOMEBODY finds hacking into bank accounts an AMUSING pasttime.

P.S. PrussianAwesomeness won the last challenge...the spell was from Mozart's Requiem. So congrats to you and go annoy Austria now.

Step one: All of these international recipes are REALLY getting to my head. I've never even heard of Pagash Pierogi. What the hell. It sounds really weird. But then again, so is -

Like, hello!

Oh, look who's here. Seriously, WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE!

Well, GOSH. You don't have to, like, be so rude about it. Can't someone like, just walk into someone else's like, house when they want to? OMG, it should totally, like, be written down in the rulebooks or something. I mean, it's already like, in the Poland's Rulebook, but no one ever reads it, not even Liet, and he has to play chess with me all the time! You'd think he'd learn. Actually, like, he doesn't play chess with me anymore. It's totally weird, you know? And sad.

Whatever. I don't really care, Poland. Now will you please GET OUT so I can run my cooking show in peace, please -

WHOA, you like, have your own cooking show! That is like, totally -

I swear, if you say "like" one more time I'm going to kill you.

Well that was totally mean!

Same goes for "totally" and any variant of "Oh my god."

So no "oh my gosh" or "oh my golly gosh" or "OMG" or "OMGG" or -

Yes.

So I CAN go "oh my gosh" or "oh my golly gosh" or "OMG" or "OMGG" or -

No, I mean you CAN'T do that. Any of that.

Well, that is SO not cool! And what are you trying to make, anyway? Pagash Pierogi? That's not even legit Pagash Pierogi!

I haven't even started yet, and I would have started already if you didn't interrupt me and bother me like this!

'Kay, fine. Whatever. I'm going to look for Liet now. See ya! Bye~!

Step two: What an idiot. Right, now, where was I?

Oh, yes. First, I must saute the onion in butter or margarine until translucent and golden. So, here is my onion, and here is my butter or margarine. Actually, I don't have any onions left so I am going to substitute turnips instead. After all, they look similar enough. And...what are these? Tulip bulbs? Well, since they look like miniature onions, they should do fine as well. In you go.

Why isn't anything happening?...

OH...I forgot to turn on the stove. Silly me. But, that is the point - you now can see what not to do. I meant for that to happen!

Why is nothing turning translucent and golden? Oh...it says here you must peel and dice the onion first. Well, why didn't they put that in the instructions, where it should be? Oh, well. The bulbs are already cooking, so I suppose I shall have to cut them while they're in the pan -

*WHACK*

*FWOOP*

*CLANG*

AHHH! MY FACE! MY FACE! OH, THE HORROR! OH, THE PAIN! OH, THE AGONY! GAHHHHHH!

*~*England is in the hospital again*~*

So, while we are waiting, let us think about how overused this joke about England doing something stupid with the stove, a pot, or a pan and ending up in the hospital, AGAIN. I mean, the only joke that is possibly more overused than England burning himself is England cutting himself. Not in an emo way.

"Holy reused joke on a fanfiction!"

England is now out of the hospital. I think he got a discount or something - the nurses there know him pretty well by now.

*~*Back to the story*~*

Step three: Now that I have sauted the onions - well, turnips and tulip bulbs, actually, but that hardly matters - if they look the same they should taste the same is my golden rule. Anyway, I must now stir the mixture into mashed potatoes along with cheddar cheese.

It's a good job I still have some mashed potatoes left over from the Shepherd's Pie recipe all those chapters back from last year. I mean, sure, there's a few colorful fuzzy growths sprouting all over the top but that's okay. It means that there will be more flavor.

I don't have a lot left, though, so I suppose I should make a little bit more. I don't have any potatoes, either, because America stole them all to make his stupid french fries after Germany stopped giving him his potatoes (why he has to use mine, I don't know, because he produces enough in the state of Idaho alone to feed his entire nation...and he had the silliest excuses, too. I forgot what they were, but they were pretty silly. Anyway, France was laughing his silly arse off so it's a sign that it must have been stupid. I wasn't sure if he had been laughing at America or me at first but it has got to be America since I would never be that silly.)

Anyway, I suppose I can make some extra mashed potatoes using the leftover tulip bulbs and turnips. No big deal. They both grow underground so they have the same nutrients. Into the mixing bowl you go.

Oh, silly me. I forgot to wash them. Oh, well. Baking will kill all the bacteria anyway. They are in the same bowl as the sauted onions/turnips/tulip bulbs but mashing it all up won't make a difference because they're going on the pizza all the same.

*mash mash mash*

Oh, dear, what a mess. Now it's gone all over the wall. It's fine, though. I'll just use my trusty metal spatula to scrape it off. It looks as though some of the paint chips on the wall have stuck to the mixture and been scraped off along with it, which is just as well, because it adds flavor. Simply delectable.

As for the cheddar cheese, I don't have any left. But you know what a good substitute is? That's right, expired milk. Because cheese is made from curdled milk. So I don't think there is any harm in putting some expired milk in to replace the cheddar, right? Oh, and this one has already gone chunky. Even better.

Step four: Refrigerate the mixture to let the flavors meld.

Hmm...my refrigerator is kind of packed. Why are there socks in here? America, did you put your socks in here? It must be America's socks. They're red with lightning bolts. Only America would wear those socks.

Actually, like, it was Louis Sachar.

Poland! What are you doing back here? I thought I told you to leave, didn't I?

Nope, can't say you did. I just like, went off to look for Liet, but I couldn't find him. So, have you started yet?

Yes, and I must say, it's going rather well.

Why are there fuzzy green chunks in that bowl? EWWW! That's like totally disgusting! Throw it out throw it out throw it out!

Why should I? It adds flavor.

You know what? I think I'll just go home and eat cookies and play with Pony.

What an odd fellow.

Anyway, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Ah, yes. Refrigerating this amazing concoction of mine. Since I have no room I suppose I shall have to squeeze it right here under the tub of month-old yogurt. There is a crack in the bottom of the plastic container but it shouldn't matter.

Step five: Preheat oven to 400°. That means Celsius degrees. I think. Or they could be Kelvins. Or Rankines. I think I'll go with Celsius degrees.

Step six: Spread pizza crusts with potato mixture.

Pizza crusts? What pizza crusts? Damn, I forgot about those. I suppose I shall just have to make them myself. Let's see...well, an expert like me doesn't need recipes. I'll just make the pizza crust from scratch and remember as much as I can.

You need flour...and water...and oil...I remember that much. Hmm...I think that you're supposed to just add everything into the bowl at once. Why is it so sticky? I should add more water. Aww, now it's all mushy. Let's see...a lot of salt should do the trick. Salt cancels out water. I remember that much from my days as a pirate. But since we put in a lot of salt, we should put in a lot of pepper to cancel that out since white and black are opposites and pepper cancels out salt. And, as we all know, color is a definite determinant in taste. I think I've mentioned that before.

I don't have any pepper, though. I ran out. I know, though - sugar and salt are opposites, too. I think I've mentioned this, too, but since sodium chloride is salt, sodium chlorate must be sugar. In you go.

Let's see...it's still a bit grainy. I'll just stick this in the blender to make it smoother.

Now the blender is broken. Therefore, I must painstakingly scrape the mixture out with a spatula - coincidentally, the same spatula I used on the turnips/tulip bulb mixture when I was trying to scrape it off the wall. Oh, look, there are still a few paint chips stuck to it. Perfect!

Step seven: All right, the pizza crust looks good enough. Now I must spread them with the potato mixture.

Oh, dear...some of the yogurt has leaked from the plastic bin into the potato mixture. I see some more fuzzy and slimy growths have accompanied it. Fantastic. Onto the pizza crust you go. It's a bit mushy, see, but that's fine.

After that, I shall top them with more of the expired milk because I don't have any cheese of any sort left.

Step eight: Now I must bake until the shells are cooked and the cheese is melted. At 400 degrees Celsius of course. Because there is no other temperature scale that makes sense.

Step nine: The Pagash Pierogi has come out slightly blackened on this end, and somewhat chunky on that end, but that's okay. I don't expect you to get it perfect on your first try, either; not even an expert like me could do it. So it's fine.

Honestly, I swear!

Now who wants to try my concoction?

What? No? But I haven't even blown up anything! Look, my house is still perfectly intact! What do you mean you don't want to - ? Well, of all the insulting things to say. I guess I'll just eat this myself.

Mmmm. Now that is what I call delicious.

In a land...far...far...away...

Like, Pony, I just don't get it. Why is Liet hiding from me?

*Whinny!*

...

OH! I totally get it now! He was hiding from, like, England and his cooking! I wonder why he hasn' gotten, like, food poisoning by now. He's USED to it? But who could be used to, like, THAT? I mean, he managed to, like, ruin Pierogi! It TOTALLY wasn't even Pierogi anymore! I mean, everyone knows legit Pierogi has like, potatoes and stuff. But no, he used, like, turnips. And tulip bulbs. Heck, even I like, know those things are poisonous. Liet told me that once, and I was like, no way! And he was like, yes way! And I was like, no way, prove it! So he gave them to England, and said that if England uses them in his cooking, it's got to be poisonous! And I was like, wow, Liet, you are SUCH a genius! So, anyway, England goes and like, puts them in his fridge, and I'm like, oh my god, Liet was right! And today he like, tried to use them in his cooking, and now I KNOW that they're poison! Like, I'm such a smarticle, right?

A/N: I really am so sorry for not updating in so, so, so long. Another project has caught my attention (King of Serpents, an Artemis Fowl and Harry Potter crossover, so please go check it out). It's my first actual serious story, not a oneshot or this series of episodes that really have no interconnecting plot. I returned to this because, well, I felt kind of bad for abandoning it after rereading it one day and finding it kind of funny.

Besides that, King of Serpents is turning out to be a more serious novel than I expected and I kind of need a short break. I'm still keeping my 1-3 week update for that story but you can expect me to return to England's Amazing Cookbook every four weeks or so. It's just recreation for me...it cheers me up when I'm bored and I need something to laugh at.

Anyway, keep sending me recipes and suggestions for cameos.