From Point A

Chapter 5

The sign at the exit of the bridge said, "Thank you for traveling the Great International Restoration Bridge!"

The translucent dome which had provided them comfortable shelter for so long, abruptly morphed into a concrete tunnel. Dim orange lights along the ceiling provided the only illumination. The tunnel itself soon came to an equally abrupt end, leaving Toji's car exposed to the elements once more. Rain fell on the car with noticeably less volume than at the onset of the trip. Though the rain had diminished, the sky was just as overcast as before, and the soft pitter-pat of precipitation mingled with the low volume classical music playing on the radio.

Aside from turning on the windshield wipers, Shinji barely took note of any of this. The ending of the bridge meant the beginning of China. Being in China meant that he had no idea where he was going. Had Kensuke been awake, he would have told Shinji the bridge was directly connected to seven of China's major highways in one way or another. Since Kensuke was not awake, Shinji decided to consult the directions, which meant speaking to Asuka.

"Where's the map?" he asked. He didn't look at her as he spoke. She handed it to him in silence.

Shinji, briefly debated on reading the directions while driving, but decided it would be too much of a risk. Instead, he pulled over to the side of the road. After a couple minutes of checking and double checking, he knew what roads to take. He took off from the shoulder and shortly merged on to the highway.

Being alone was not the most painful thing for Shinji. It wasn't ideal, per se, but he'd learned to deal with it long ago. He would always crave the company of others to some degree, but he knew that being with outer people could cause him much more pain than he could ever cause himself.

With other people came expectations. Whether it be his expectations or theirs did not matter. If they were not met, someone would be disappointed, angry, or sad. And there was no easy way to meet other people's expectations when he did not know what they were. It was certainly impossible for him to make them meet his.

So Shinji learned to compensate. When he knew of someone else's expectation (provided it was reasonable) he would do his best to rise to the occasion. He held as little expectations of others as he possibly could, in the hopes that they would do the same.

But what really hurt Shinji, was failure in spite of his efforts. Though he'd tried to do everything he possibly could for Asuka it still wasn't enough. He had asked so very little of her and somehow, for reasons beyond both his patience and understanding, she had failed to deliver.

He briefly looked over at Asuka curled up in her seat next to him. Her lack of snoring once again proved that she wasn't sleeping peacefully. She rested her face in her arms and showed Shinji her back. Hiding from the world. Hiding from him.

Shinji smiled his sad little smile.

Screw her, he thought. Forget about it.

He decided it was better to be alone. And life became much easier.

His mind went blank as he drove along the road. He did not think about Asuka, Toji, Kensuke, or Hikari. His thoughts were completely occupied by mindless instructions. Foot on peddle, hands on wheel. The mile markers passed as slowly as ever, but Shinji did not care. It was a way to pass the time.

Eventually the people in the back woke up and asked where they were. Shinji gave them a rough estimate and said nothing else. He continued to drive as night turned to day. Toji and Kensuke held a brief conversation which Shinji didn't care much to listen to. He knew it probably wasn't very important, and if it directly involved him they would have said his name.

After an hour or so, Toji told him to pull over and let Kensuke drive. Shinji did so without a complaint. He was still a little apprehensive about Kensuke's driving, but for some reason the fear of the day before would not return to him. He did not question the strangeness of that at all.

He and Asuka wordlessly piled into the back seat as Kensuke and Toji took their places. Shinji sat in the middle next to Hikari, who gave them both a brief look before closing her eyes again. Shinji nodded at her, but did not say a word. He found that nods were an easy way to convey whatever feelings people thought he was supposed to be conveying to them.

He leaned more toward Hikari than toward Asuka. It was not a conscious decision at all. Had he really been thinking about it he would have avoided both of them as much as humanly possible. But apparently his body had a will of its own. Given a choice, it chose the lesser of two evils.

He leaned his head back against the seat and stared up at the car ceiling. The thought of someone looking up his nose did not occur to him at all. Staring quickly grew boring, so he closed his eyes. For the first time in a while he found himself regretting that he'd left his SDAT player behind. But he quickly got over that and waited for sleep to take him: a threefold escape from mind, sight, and sound.

Rei Ayanami had once asked Shinji what he wanted. He felt it was a loaded question. There were many things he thought he might want, but he could never be sure. Once he had those things, sometimes it turned out that he was satisfied… briefly. Other times he found that he didn't want those things at all. Often he was actually happy with the things he thought he wanted; only it turned out that he wanted more.

He didn't explain this to Rei at the time, but he felt that she still understood him. More than anything he was proud of himself for admitting that he didn't know. Together they decided to leave the world the same.

Sometimes he regretted that.

They stopped at another fast food restaurant for breakfast. It wasn't exactly ideal to anyone, but Asuka insisted that they keep moving as they ate. When they pulled into the drive-thru, Kensuke asked for everyone's order, which proved a bit of an issue since Shinji was still asleep. Asuka made no move to wake him, so Hikari was left with the difficult task of getting him up while avoiding physical contact.

After several unheeded calls of, "Ikari, wake up please," Toji reached into the back seat and roughly shook his shoulder. For a moment, Shinji looked almost angry to be awake.

"What?" he asked impassively.

Kensuke asked him for his order.

Hikari initially contributed Shinji's disgruntled state to him just waking up. But when they had their food in hand and his strangely bitter expression did not change she thought something might be off. He didn't look as bad as he did after Kensuke's near accident – he'd seemed skittish then. Now his face was distant and sullen. It wasn't a look he wore well.

Asuka also seemed unusually quiet. Hikari wanted to say something to her, but after the conversation they had the night before she could only draw blanks. She was concerned, but knew that saying so would only result in dismissive banter. So instead Hikari kept to herself, feeling at odds with the whole situation.

She ate her chicken sandwich in silence. It was delicious in its own way, and she felt herself chewing with vigor. The sandwich was the first thing she'd eaten since entering the bridge that went down with ease. Hikari was glad for this small blessing. It was great timing for comfort food.

Asuka once claimed that Shinji was the laziest person she knew. Whenever they went out together she almost always paid for both of them. The monthly allowance Misato gave them wasn't worth squinting at. The only thing saving them both from poverty was the money Asuka's father sent regularly.

Despite Shinji's funding issues, Asuka insisted that they go out from time to time and do something fun. Whenever Shinji did have money saved up, he used it. Asuka paid the bill when he didn't have money, but not without a few choice words at his expense. Shinji took the hint and got a job sweeping and stocking merchandise at a convenience store.

Initially Asuka was indifferent to this job. She made one small remark about how he was well suited for manual labor, and left it at that (Shinji could not determine if that was supposed to be an insult or not). With the extra cash he made he was able to afford those trips to the movie theater, bowling alley, karaoke lounge, ect. However, as a side effect of working, those trips became much less frequent. Being the new guy meant he could not negotiate his working hours.

The first time he declined going out with Asuka because of work, she had sulked, but accepted. The second time she seemed almost upset. After the third time, he had gone from being the laziest person she knew to being a selfish work-a-holic. In his defense, he had gone out with her a few times between those three missed opportunities, but apparently those were not enough. After a while Asuka stopped asking him to go places altogether.

By then, Shinji realized that he was doing something wrong. It occurred to him that maybe Asuka complaining about him not having money was just something she liked to do because… well she was Asuka. Maybe she truly didn't mind spending money on him so long as the two of them spent time together, and her earlier harsh words were just a front to hide that fact. The more Shinji thought about it the more he was certain of what he needed to do. After working for only a little over two months, Shinji quit his job at the convenient store.

He told Asuka that he quit and invited her out to dinner, his treat.

Her response was, "Oh."

Shinji was somewhat surprised to see that she was not overjoyed by this news. He did not think she'd jump for joy, but he expected just a little bit more than, "oh."

After that day, Asuka did not resume asking him to go out with her frequently. Instead, she went out with girls from school, or often times just stayed in and relaxed. Whenever Shinji had enough money saved up from his allowance he would ask her out again, and she would make a show out of debating on agreeing. Despite this, they tended to have a good time when they went out together.

Shinji had no idea whether she wanted him to have a job or not.

Kensuke was feeling a little tired. He'd slept decently well through the night, but the seats in the car were making him appreciate his futon at home quite a bit. Being tired behind the wheel brought stress of its own to him, since he still held himself responsible for the near accident of a couple days ago. So he sat stiff as a board trying his best to keep his focus on the road.

It didn't help matters that Toji was trying to talk to him about sports again. Kensuke liked sports, sure, but he wasn't fanatical about them. He enjoyed watching athletes at the peak of their skill doing things that would be impossible for him with any amount of training. Even so, he did not see the point of talking about these athletes to the point of obsession. Who cares that some ridiculously good basketball player refuses to go to a team filled with other ridiculously good basketball players because the ridiculously high pay they're being offered isn't enough? Kensuke sure didn't. He felt sports were meant for entertainment, not to be life changing events. Scoring a few soccer goals a game did not feed starving kids in Africa. Nor did running quickly around a track stop wars in the Middle East. As far as Kensuke was concerned there were only three athletes alive who had ever made a serious difference in the world with their talent, skill, and quick thinking. And all three of them were sitting in the car with him.

For that reason only, he hid his boredom and continued to listen to Toji's insignificant ramblings. It did not occurred to him that people might feel the same way when listening to him.

Toji wasn't incredibly impressed by China as a whole. The highways took them through a lot of open country with nothing but fields stretching out in either direction. Occasionally they would pass a small town or two, but aside from that, nothing. The constant rain didn't help.

Truthfully he was getting tired of talking about sports himself. It was something to pass the time, and without it all he'd have was the crappy music playing on the radio, and the lame view out the window. So he talked to Kensuke, since he was the only reliable source of conversation. He couldn't count on Shinji to talk in the best of circumstances, and now he seemed to be intent on ignoring everyone and sleeping. Though he held no particular love for Asuka, she usually kept things interesting, but she'd been pretty quiet and sulky for the past day and a half. He didn't want to bother Hikari at all. Things were easier that way.

Toji started to think that maybe things would be better on the return trip. They'd all have a night to sleep peacefully in a hotel room before they left. And the two gloomiest occupants would be gone off to handle their own issues. They'd probably have to take a lot more breaks with just him and Kensuke driving, but at least the weird tension in the air would be gone.

He wasn't really sure what Hikari would do, since she'd spent most of her time talking with Asuka and Shinji. Even so, Toji felt things would be better. They couldn't feel much worse.

They stopped one last time for everyone to use the bathroom. Hikari tried to take up the initiative to start up a conversation with Asuka. It didn't amount to anything more than pleasantries. This frustrated Hikari quite a bit, especially since Asuka had claimed only recently that she wanted to try to be friendly. She wanted to push the issue, but wasn't quite sure how to go about it.

Asuka and Shinji's eyes did not cross paths. The blame lay mostly with Shinji this time. He refused to look up at anybody more than was absolutely necessary to avoid being rude. He didn't even try to avoid rudeness with Asuka.

Clearly something was wrong. But no one was going to say anything about it. Knowing Asuka, she would go all the way to Germany and back without clearing the air. But the worse part about it was that Hikari could see all this happening around her but she herself could do nothing to fix it.

The atmosphere grew livelier as they neared Beijing. Traffic was thicker. There were no longer any wide open spaces. Buildings grew taller and more condensed. The occupants of the car were interested, but largely unimpressed. While Beijing easily outclassed Tokyo-3 in size, it was nowhere near as large and imposing as Tokyo-2.

Toji offhandedly said that he was disappointed that he couldn't see the infamous smog, on account of the rain. Kensuke jokingly quipped that it was the other way around.

Despite their mocking statements, Toji and Kensuke were both intrigued by the sight of another city. They each craned their necks as best they could to catch a glimpse as they drove by. Both Hikari and Asuka spent a lot of time looking out the window as well, but Asuka didn't seem that into it. Kensuke suggested that they do some sightseeing tomorrow before they left, and Toji agreed, so long as Hikari was feeling up to it.

Aside from glancing out the window once or twice, Shinji did an excellent job of pretending that he wasn't even there.

Asuka looked exhausted. If Shinji had cared to notice, he'd be sure now that she had little-to-no sleep during the trip. Even so, she made an effort to stay awake and aware during those last few minutes of their journey. She alternated her focus between the city of Beijing and Shinji's expressionless face. Whenever she looked over at him and found that he was still paying her no mind, she grit her teeth and turned away.

Kensuke soon saw signs that he assumed read "Airport" in Chinese. He could not be sure, but he took comfort in the little picture of a plane lined up next to the characters. He followed these pictures religiously until they found themselves on the exit ramp leading toward their destination.

To Toji, it felt kind of surreal, but then the ending of road trips always felt that way to him. If someone had asked him, he couldn't have put it into words, but being on the road for so long was almost like living in your own personal bubble. The rest of reality faded away and there was only him, his companions, and the journey they were going on. Each little stop was merely a means to an end, perpetuating the existence of their own little traveling reality. When they finally stopped, the reality shattered. It was time for the real world again.

They used the pick-up and drop-off area to avoid paying a parking fee. Asuka told Kensuke which gate to let her out at and he parked the car nearby. For a moment nothing happened. No one made a move to acknowledge that they had finally arrived at their destination. Then all at once, everyone felt the need to do something. Kensuke nodded his head to himself, as if to say "mission accomplished". Hikari stretched her neck, which gave an audible pop. Toji let out a noise that was a combination of a sigh and a whistle. Asuka looked at Shinji intently. Shinji met her eyes, failed to smile, and looked away.

"Thanks for coming, Hikari," said Asuka. "It meant a lot."

"It was no problem," said Hikari. No one called her out on it.

"Stooges," said Asuka addressing Kensuke and Toji. "Eh… it could have been worse."

Toji grunted in an amused fashion. Kensuke said, "Have a safe flight."

Asuka bit back a comment expressing her gratitude that he would not be flying the plane, but not on account of his feelings. She just didn't feel like it. Her eyes turned to Shinji, who was only vaguely looking in her general direction.

"Goodbye," she said. It was uncertain whether she was addressing him or everyone. In any case, Shinji did not respond. Asuka opened the door and exited the vehicle. Everyone gave Shinji a look.

"Pop the trunk," yelled Asuka as she banged on the rear of the car.

Hikari frowned deeply and said, "Aren't you going out there?"

Shinji made a slight movement that may have been a shrug.

"Pop the damn trunk, already!"

"Go help her," said Toji. He sounded strangely serious.

Kensuke added, "She does have a lot of bags."

Shinji closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath. He exited the car without a word. As soon as he left, Kensuke popped the trunk.

Shinji wordlessly grabbed the larger two of Asuka's bags and waited for her to grab the other.

Asuka frowned slightly and said, "You don't have to."

Shinji simply nodded.

They walked together in silence, shuffling awkwardly through the turnaround doors and into the baggage claim area. Asuka located the counter where she could claim her tickets and check her bag and the two of them waited in line.

"I hate airports," said Asuka. "Can't stand all the waiting around."

Shinji said, "Hmm."

Despite Asuka's complaining they were at the head of the line much faster than she expected. Shinji handed the bags he was carrying to the lady behind the counter and Asuka kept hers as a carry-on item. When she had her ticket in hand, they both slowly walked away from the counter. Shinji intended to head for the door, but as Asuka's footsteps slowed, he found his doing the same.

"I guess I should get going," he said. But he didn't turn to leave. He just stood there staring at her.

"I've got a couple hours before boarding," said Asuka.

"Oh."

"Maybe we could sit down for a bit?" It was odd for her to ask and not tell. Maybe that's why he nodded his consent.

Shinji sat down on a nearby bench and Asuka sat close next to him. The bench was backless and uncomfortable. They both knew there were better seats to sit on after going through customs, but if she went there, he couldn't follow.

"This whole trip has been pretty annoying, huh?" asked Asuka. "We could be at home watching TV, enjoying our spring break."

Shinji shrugged. "You wanted to be here, right? For your father."

Asuka chuckled a little. "You said it yourself. No one actually likes this kind of thing. Funerals aren't fun."

"I guess not," said Shinji. He was surprised she would mention something he'd said the previous night. It had felt like a conversation that neither of them would speak of again.

"I mean… it's not really a big deal. Me being at some service or not isn't going to change anything between us. He was who he was and I am who I am. But if I didn't go, people would start to talk. You'd hear rumors about us fighting and other such nonsense. And when they write biographies about me they'll start listing him in shadowy terms like, 'absentee dad' or 'estranged father'. It's easier to give the right impression now, than to have to set the record straight later."

Shinji said, "Okay."

"Really, I've been looking forward to going back to Germany for a while now. I was hoping we could take a trip so that you could see what a real culture is like. Maybe even try some food with flavor in it for a change. I swear the only thing you Japanese associate Germany with are concentration camps and automobiles."

Shinji almost smiled then, but kept his silence.

"But eh… this just ruins it. The whole trip is going to be so boring. I'll have to shake a million phony people's hands and listen to their oh-so-sad condolences. 'Sorry for your loss miss Shoryu.' 'Your father was a great man.' And so on. I'm nauseated just thinking about it."

Shinji generally felt that those people at least meant well, but he thought better than to comment on it.

"And they'll make me sit through the reading of his will. I'm sure he left me all sorts of useless things. The man holds onto everything. If we didn't have a maid come to clean up, I'm sure the place would have always been cluttered."

"You know, he told me that he kept most of my mother's things. When she passed away and my step-mother moved in, they cleaned out her study and moved everything to the attic. When my half-brother was born they cleaned out my room for him and moved all my stuff up there with it. You'd think if they didn't want it, they'd just throw it away but… well… that's how my father was. Now I'll have to spend all my time looking through that junk for something useful."

Asuka let out a sigh.

"It's going to be so boring there. The only company I'll have most of the time is my step-mother and half-brother. I have no idea what we're going to talk about for a week. The woman insists on being friendly, even though we have nothing in common. I've never met the boy before, but I don't really expect much. Kids are always annoying. Either following you around like a dog or constantly screaming their heads off. I just wish I would have someone to talk to."

Asuka chuckled.

"But, there's no point in complaining now. I did drag you out here, so it's not like I can just turn around and go home, can I?"

Shinji shook his head absently. This whole conversation felt surreal.

"It'll be a hassle sure, but it's not a big deal, right?" Asuka began to fiddle with the ring on her finger.

Shinji looked up and their eyes met. He forced himself to smile.

"I think you'll be okay," he said.

Asuka laughed quietly.

"Of course I'll be okay," she said nudging him playfully with her shoulder. She did not immediately break the physical contact. In a more subdued tone she asked, "But I don't have to be… right?"

Shinji's smile grew strained, but he held it in place. He felt a burning sensation in his chest as he choked out his next words.

"This time… maybe you do."

"Oh," said Asuka. Her eyes widened slightly, but Shinji didn't see it. It took her several moments to pull herself away from him. For a while they sat in silence.

After about a minute, Asuka grabbed her cell phone from her bag and checked the time.

"I should get going," she said. There was still over an hour and thirty minutes left before she had to board. They both stood up from the bench. For a moment they stood there in silence, each waiting for the other to say something.

Abruptly Asuka stepped forward and gave him a hug. Shinji was surprised, but he brought his hands up to wrap them around her back. They each let go several seconds later.

"I'll miss you," she nearly whispered.

Shinji said, "Softy."

Asuka burst out laughing, but quickly quieted down. Her expression became unreadable. She looked incredibly tired. Without any more words she turned to leave.

Shinji watched her go feeling a strange mixture of apprehension and relief. Midway to the first customs checkpoint she turned around to look at him. He waved at her, but she did not wave back. When she reached the checkpoint she turned around once again. This time he didn't bother to wave at all.

After showing the security guard her ticket, she walked through a line of metal railing and out of Shinji's sight.

It took Shinji a moment to regain his bearings after exiting the airport. The car was not in the same place he left it. A security guard had forced them to circle around the drop-off area to give other cars a chance to find a spot. After walking down a couple of gates, he found his travel companions sitting in silence. He got in the backseat and apologized for taking so long.

Toji turned around and looked at him in disbelief. "So that's it?" he asked.

Shinji was uncertain, but he said, "Yeah."

Toji faced forward and said, "Fine. Let's go Ken."

Kensuke pulled out of the airport and there was awkward silence. Shinji kept waiting for Toji to say something, but he never did. This was particularly odd. Aside from Kensuke's manic ramblings, Toji had probably spoken the most out of everyone in the car. But now he just stared out the windshield with a stony expression. Shinji and Hikari thought something might be wrong. Kensuke knew that Toji was pissed.

It wasn't long before the Sedan pulled into the parking lot of the hotel they were staying at. It was a cheap budget affair, about thirty miles away from the city. They each stepped out of the car and stretched. Kensuke tried to break the tension in the air by saying, "Whew, it'll be nice to sleep in a bed for a change."

Hikari almost voiced her agreement, but was distracted by Toji punching Shinji squarely in the jaw, knocking him to the ground.

"Grow the fuck up, Ikari," he said, and then walked into the hotel lobby.

"What was that about?" asked Kensuke for what seemed like the hundredth time. Toji had refused to talk about it while in Shinji's company, opting only to say, "He knows what he did." Kensuke was trying his hardest to understand his friend's actions, but it wasn't an easy task. He'd thought they were past the point in their youth where disagreements had to be solved with pointless violence. Apparently he was wrong.

"He had it coming." Once again Toji's answer was useless.

A strained situation had grown close to cracking. Hikari made a point of glaring daggers at Toji as she sat on her bed. Kensuke, for his part, tried not to take sides until he understood the reasoning behind the exchange, but Toji wasn't making it easy. Shinji was currently avoiding all of them. Though Toji had handed him a room key like everyone else, he opted to rent his own hotel room. Nobody blamed him.

"What did he do to deserve that?" asked Hikari. Both Toji and Kensuke tensed unconsciously. It'd been a long time since they'd seen her in 'class rep mode'. Still Toji did not lose his resolve.

"He left her," said Toji.

Both Hikari and Kensuke instantly understood what he meant. They'd all been unnerved by Shinji's initial indifference to Asuka leaving. If they hadn't intervened he wouldn't have even said goodbye to her. But to Hikari, that still did not justify violence.

"You should have talked to him then! There was no reason to hit him."

"You saw her face when she left. Like he murdered a puppy dog in front of her or something. And he wouldn't even look at her." Toji just shook his head. "I'm not the biggest Shoryu fan around, but even I can't stand a guy like that. I don't care how mad he was. You don't just leave people when they need you." He looked at her unflinchingly and added, "We take care of our own."

And suddenly Hikari did understand his actions. Toji, for all his faults, was nothing if not loyal. It was one of the things she loved about him. Of course he couldn't stand to watch his friend virtually abandon someone in need. How convenient for him. Always be there for others. Disregard the situation. It doesn't matter if you're upset or any other circumstances, right? But then where was he the last year and a half? Where was he when she was all alone?

"We take care of our own," she repeated as she stood up from her bed. "It's never that easy."

She honestly couldn't remember the last time she'd been so angry. She walked to the door and said one last thing before she left. "Maybe you're the one who needs to grow up."

Since the clerk had seen them come in together it was easy to get Shinji's room number from the attendant at the front desk. It was less easy working out why she was going to go there and what she was going to say. She knew that Shinji had been wronged, but she had no idea how to address that. All she knew was that it wasn't fair for him to be left all alone, just because Toji lost his temper.

When Shinji opened the door for her, she noticed several things: his suitcase lying open on the bed, the bag of ice in his hand, and the bruise forming on his face. She decided to address the latter.

"Are you alright?" She had asked this question several times between the parking lot and the hotel lobby.

Shinji gave her a wan smile. "I'll live."

After a brief pause, Shinji stepped aside to let her enter the room. His eyes flashed toward the closing door briefly before he looked back toward her. Hikari always liked how easy he was to read. His expression clearly said, "So what now?"

"I'm sorry about Toji," she said. Though he wasn't her responsibility, it somehow felt right to apologize for him.

Shinji shrugged. "I probably deserved it."

"No," said Hikari. "You didn't."

Shinji smiled weakly and looked away.

"You can… eh… sit down I guess," said Shinji as he moved his luggage from the bed giving her a place to sit. His hand went for the remote control before deciding against turning on the TV. She obviously came to talk about something, so he felt he shouldn't add distractions.

Hikari sat down and felt a wave of nerves as Shinji sat down next to her. She realized that she'd officially run out of things to discuss. As the silence dragged on, she thought of leaving, but she didn't feel like seeing Toji's face again so soon. So instead she looked around the room. Her eyes found two tickets sitting on the nightstand and her gaze locked in place. She was surprised when Shinji broke the silence.

"Do you think he hates me now?"

Hikari shook her head. "He just didn't like the way you were acting earlier…" she couldn't help but add, "It was a bit odd."

"Yeah," said Shinji. Agreement, but no explanation.

Hikari couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Why didn't you go with her?" She looked at the stricken look on his face and instantly regretted asking.

Shinji let the shame slide off his face and replaced it with a weak smile.

"She didn't need me to," he said. "She might have… wanted me to go… maybe. But she didn't need me to go. And she didn't want to need me to go. And if I went… I think maybe… she'd feel like she had needed me to go. So… I didn't go."

Hikari tried to puzzle over that for quite some time. She had it somewhat worked out in her mind, but she didn't like it. It felt like a rationalization, but one that probably had some truth to it as well. In the end, she couldn't know what his motives where, or what Asuka's needs were beyond what either of them told her. This realization made her feel small. Like all these things were happening around her and she was just along for the ride.

So she changed the subject.

"You didn't have to get your own room," she said. "Even Toji was going to let you sleep with us."

"I know," said Shinji.

"It must be expensive."

Shinji chuckled a little. "Between this and the plane ticket, I might as well be broke. Luckily they exchanged the ticket for a flight back home."

This knowledge only made Hikari feel bad.

"I could… pay for half the room, if you'd like. We were all going to pay for the hotel together afterall."

Shinji shook his head. "You shouldn't have to pay for a room you're not sleeping in."

"Then I could sleep here tonight," she added. The words left her mouth before her mind could give approval. There was only one bed in the room. She thought about volunteering to sleep on the floor to make the proposition sound less awkward, but something stopped her. She blushed at the unbidden mental image of sharing a bed with Shinji.

Shinji coughed into his hand and looked away.

"That's okay," he said. "You don't have to do that."

Hikari was too embarrassed to push the issue further. Having finally run out of conversation and suddenly finding the prospect of Toji's face much more appealing than staying there in silence, she decided it was time to leave. Shinji saw her to the door in order to lock up behind her.

Before she left, he asked, "Do you think I did the right thing?"

Hikari had no satisfying answer.

The return trip of the following day loomed over Hikari, Toji, and Kensuke like a storm cloud. They each dreaded each other's company in some small way. No one was interested in sight seeing any longer. They just wanted to get things over with as quickly as possible.

Toji took the first driving shift, since they had decided that they would not drive straight through on the way back. It wouldn't have been smart to rely on only two drivers (both of whom were weary from the first trip) to drive for two days straight without rest. This only served to lengthen the trip and worsen the tension around them.

Having just begun to recover from her sickness, Hikari hated the prospect of traveling on the bridge again. It not only made her feel ill, but also helpless. The whole trip felt like a public display of her uselessness. She could not drive. She barely felt up to navigating. Her conversational contribution was at a minimum. When her friends had needed her most all she'd been able to do was sit and listen. With Asuka, she might have even made her problems worse. The whole situation was wearing on her. Exhausted mentally more than anything, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. It was not meant to be.

Random thoughts filled her mind. She wondered what Kodama would think about her actions. It'd been a month since they'd talked to each other. She regretted that, though she understood why. They could barely hold a conversation with each other past the normal pleasantries. Somewhere along the line, the simple ease with which they conversed turned into a chore. When they spoke, they didn't just miss each other, they missed the way things used to be. Perhaps that's why they often talked of the past. They had spoken of their mother the last time they talked, sharing stories and little details. It was a strange experience for Hikari, as her memories of her mother were not as fresh as those of her father and Nozomi, but her absence hurt all the same.

Listening to Kodama talk about their mom was almost like reading a story out of a book. She recognized the events as true, but could not exactly trust them as reality. Even so, they left a warm feeling in her that she could not describe. Though she would never admit it, she was jealous of the many memories her older sister held. It wasn't that she didn't remember her mother - Hikari was six when she passed away. It's just that her memories were few and far between. That's why she cherished the ones she did have.

Thoughts of her mother came to Hikari every time she rode a bike.

Kodama had been the one to teach her how to ride. Her mother only sat on the porch and watched. Hikari remembered her wobbling wildly as Kodama walked alongside the bike, holding on the seat to stabilize it. Kodama kept yelling at her to keep the wheel straight and peddle, but Hikari was too afraid. She pleaded with her sister not to let go, even going so far as to make her promise to their mom that she wouldn't. Ms. Horaki only smiled and said that she was sure Kodama would not let go until she was ready. That was all the assurance Hikari needed.

Confident that she would not be left to fall, Hikari concentrated on the task at hand. She found that it was easier to steer the bike when she peddled harder. The idea shocked her at the time: going faster actually helped. After a while she was getting pretty good at riding around with Kodama holding on to her for support. She was proud of her progress and screamed out to her mother, "Look mom, I'm doing it!"

Her mother said something she didn't hear or didn't remember, but the words caused her to look behind herself. When she turned back to investigate, she noticed that Kodama wasn't there. Even though she realized she had been riding all by herself, the sudden loss of support made her panic. She soon hit the ground.

She remembered her mother waddling inside to find the first aid kit - she was pregnant with Nozomi at the time. Her mother quickly cleaned the scrape on her leg with peroxide and applied a colorful Band-Aid to the wound. She scooped Hikari in her arms and cradled her head as she cried. Meanwhile Kodama berated her for failing. "You almost had it! Whydja have to ruin it by falling?" The taunts only served to make Hikari angry. Hikari openly yelled at her sister for letting go of the bike, blaming her for the fall. Their mother's stern voice quickly chimed in to end the fight.

Kodama went on to ride up and down the street, seeming to quickly forget the fight. Hikari however could not let it go. She continued to rub her injured knee with tears in her eyes and curse Kodama for the great injury she caused. She watched with bitter envy as her sister road around with glee, even daring to call out to her mother to watch her do some tricks. This went on for almost ten minutes before Hikari said a little too loudly that she hoped Kodama would fall.

Her mother gave her the look and Hikari instantly felt like a criminal caught in the act. She whispered "sorry" and hung her head, only vaguely aware of what she was apologizing for. When she dared to raise her head again, her mother was looking at her sternly, but in a manner that was much less severe.

"Now why would you want your sister to fall?" she asked.

Hikari squirmed uncomfortably under her mother's gaze. She began to rub at her knee again, hoping for sympathy. "Because she made me fall and I got hurt."

Mrs. Horaki sighed. "You know she didn't mean for you to fall. It's not nice to wish bad things on other people."

"I know," said Hikari. She could not believe that her mother wouldn't take her side. "But how come she can ride her bike when I have to be hurt!"

Mrs. Horaki thought on this a while before nodding to herself. "It seems to me that your problem is that you can't ride your bike. Do you think that if Kodama was hurt it would help you learn how to ride?"

"No," Hikari admitted not meeting her mother's eyes.

"And do you think there would be anyone else to teach you how to ride?"

"No..."

"It looks like you have a choice then. You can either sit here being angry and hurt, or you can go out there with your sister and learn to ride."

Those words stuck with Hikari over the years as if there was a kind of magic to them. Even though she was hurt and upset, what she decided to do about it was still her choice.

She opened her eyes and looked around. They were just outside of Beijing, many hours away from the bridge. She turned her attention to the front of the car and silently made her decision.

"Toji," she said. "I want to drive."

Shinji sat in the airport terminal with his phone in his hand and his luggage at his feet. He'd just finished a rather long call with Misato. She berated him for not calling her sooner as he'd promised, and then proceeded to ask a series of questions he did not want to answer. She wanted to know where he was, when he was leaving, and why he wasn't driving back with his friends. He tried to downplay the encounter with Toji by saying he just didn't feel like driving anymore. Misato clicked her tongue at the obvious lie, and left it at that. All in all, the conversation was a bit uncomfortable for Shinji, but not completely awful. A part of him would always be surprised and flattered by how much Misato cared.

On the downside, the call reminded him of his conversation with Asuka. Looking back on it, he could see how hard it was for her to say what she said, only to have him shoot her down. Add to that, his earlier act of completely ignoring her and Shinji wasn't sure how he'd gotten out of the conversation alive. But what really disturbed him was that Asuka hadn't seemed angry at all. Her last forlorn glances weighed heavily on his mind.

He wanted to think about something else, but found little to distract himself. There were many people all around him, but they were each minding their own business. He found himself watching them interact with each other occasionally, but felt kind of guilty about his secret monitoring. He'd never want anyone to stare at him that way. Once again, he lamented his decision to leave his SDAT player behind. He never expected to be traveling alone.

Shinji waited in silence for the lady at the counter to announce the boarding order. His cheek felt sore, his mind felt heavy, and his eyes were threatening to close on their own. He was weary, but not miserable. The cell phone in his hand lit up and beeped. He looked down at the message displayed there and slowly smiled.

It read: "Thank You."

FIN

AN: I like writing "Fin". It makes me feel cultured.

A few things to say here. First an anonymous reviewer called me out on the length of the bridge not correlating to the amount of time spent driving on it. Well... he/she is right. I kind of thought about that as I was writing, but I wanted them to drive on the bridge longer because it was easier for me to describe the bridge than it was for me to describe china... which I've never been to. So... sorry for the break in realism, but I don't think it detracts from things too much.

Also, Thanks for reading this story. Please let me know what you think overall. I know this last chapter wasn't the best ending to a story that I've written, but I'm not really sure how it will be accepted by you all. Any thoughts comments or suggestions are as always appreciated.

See you in the next story. It might take a while before I come out with something new as I'm going to focus on original stories for a little while. I'm sure I'll come back to fan fiction sooner or later because you just don't get the same kind of instant gratification with original stories.