CHAPTER 21

Hutch was sleeping soundly when the ringing of the telephone jolted him awake. Fumbling in the dark, he groped for the receiver, pulling it to his ear.

"'Lo…" he mumbled sleepily.

"Hey, Hutch. It's Hug. Your better half is here and he needs a ride home. He's been trying to drink Canada dry if you catch my drift."

"Damn it," Hutch muttered as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up. "Don't let him go anywhere. I'll be there in twenty."

He hung up and quickly gathered up his clothes from the day before, pulling them on. He grabbed his wallet, his keys and his gun on the way out the door to rescue his inebriated partner.

It had been almost a month since Starsky's ordeal with the 'Escort Slasher' as the killer had been tagged the press. Since his release from the hospital, Starsky had started drinking heavily and picking up one night stands right and left. His abrupt change in behavior had caused a great deal of concern and worry from his friends and colleagues. Hutch had tried confronting him about his irresponsible conduct but Starsky had deliberately and coldly shut him out refusing to talk about it so Hutch had backed down.

As he drove through the early morning darkness to fetch his best friend from The Pits Hutch decided enough was enough. Tonight was the night he was going to have it out with the bull headed brunet about the way he had been acting recently.

Since it was almost closing time, the bar was empty except for Huggy who was going through his closing routine and Starsky who was slumped at a booth in the back of the room. Hutch nodded at Huggy in silent greeting as he walked towards his partner.

"Hey, Hu'ch…" Starsky slurred in a drunken voice "Whatcha doin' here?"

"Figured I'd haul your drunken ass home." Hutch said "You're in no shape to drive."

"One more drink…" Starsky mumbled as his eyes started to drift shut.

"No more drinks," Hutch said as he grabbed Starsky's left arm and gently pulled him to his feet. "You've had enough." Starsky grunted and stumbled forward, leaning most of his weight against Hutch. Hutch slid one arm around Starsky's waist and used his other hand to drape Starsky's arm around his neck. Holding tightly to Starsky's wrist, he began to lead an almost comatose Starsky towards the exit. "Thanks, Hug…" he said to the tall, lean black man on his way out the door.

Hutch balanced Starsky against the side of his LTD as he reached out to open the door on the passenger's side of the vehicle. Carefully, he settled Starsky into the front seat and fastened his seat belt securely. Closing the door, he walked around to the other side and slid underneath the wheel. The engine coughed and sputtered before finally catching and rumbling to life. Hutch pulled into the street and headed for his own apartment. Neutral ground. That way Starsky couldn't kick him out when he confronted him about his behavior and Starsky wouldn't be able to leave either unless he walked or took a cab. Hutch knew that Huggy would watch over the Torino until the next day when Starsky sobered up enough to collect it.

Starsky's head lolled back against the headrest and his soft snores filled the air as Hutch drove through the nearly deserted streets. "This has got to end, partner…" Hutch muttered under his breath "For both of our sakes. You can't keep running and you can't keep hiding from what happened."

Reaching his apartment, Hutch parked in front of the building and climbed out, crossing to the opposite side to help his partner out of the car. He aroused Starsky enough to get him to his feet and into the stairwell. With some effort, Hutch got them both up the steps to the landing in front of his door safely without either of them falling down the stairs. Fumbling with his keys, he unlocked the door and pulled Starsky inside dropping him onto the sofa with a grunt. Hutch went into the tiny kitchenette and put on a pot of coffee. Strong and black.

Walking into the bathroom, he turned on the shower. Cold. Then he walked back to the sofa and pulled an unresponsive Starsky to his feet dragging him into the bathroom. With some effort, he managed to get Starsky into the tub and under the icy cold spray of water. Starsky yelped when the cold water hit him in the face and began swinging his arms and struggling to get away from the wet onslaught.

"Oh, no you don't." Hutch said as he climbed into the tub behind Starsky and wrapped his arms around his friend pinning his arms to his side. Ignoring his own discomfort, he kept Starsky underneath the spray of water until the brunet began to loudly protest. Satisfied that Starsky had sobered enough to be somewhat coherent, Hutch tugged his partner out of the tub. Grabbing his thick orange robe from the hook on the back of the bathroom door, Hutch quickly pulled off Starsky's wet clothing, leaving him dressed only in his skimpy black briefs, Toweling him off briskly, Hutch helped the brunet into the robe and belted it tightly around Starsky's trim waist.

Hutch helped Starsky back to the sofa and eased him down onto the cushions. Fetching a cup of coffee from the kitchen, he gently wrapped Starsky's fingers around the cup.

"Careful," he cautioned him "It's hot." Leaving Starsky to drink the coffee and hopefully sober up a bit more, Hutch went into his bedroom to change his own wet clothing.

Returning to the living room, he looked at the forlorn looking brunet sitting on the couch.

Feeling his gaze, Starsky looked up and said somberly "There's such a thing as a mercy killing, ya know."

"You think you feel bad now just wait until morning," Hutch said as he sank down at the opposite end of the sofa and looked at his friend and partner intently.

"Don't remind me," Starsky muttered as he took another sip of coffee and sighed heavily.

His mouth tightened into a thin, hard line. "And you can save the lecture. I know I fucked up."

"If you're trying to drink yourself to death there are quicker ways to do it ya know." Hutch commented dryly.

"I'm not trying to drink myself to death. I'm just trying to…" Starsky abruptly stopped speaking and glanced away but not before Hutch saw the fear and desperation reflected in those sapphire eyes.

"To what, Starsk? Hide? Run away from what happened?" Hutch asked "Or do you think there's enough alcohol out there to make you forget?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," Starsky grumbled fiercely. "Just let it go, Blondie. Okay?"

"No. It's not okay. Not this time." Hutch said in a determined voice "I'm not going to sit back and watch you do this to yourself any longer."

"It's none of your business." Starsky snapped in a bitter voice. "I'm just fine."

"Anything to do with you is my business, buddy. And you are not fine. You're drinking the hard stuff every night until you can't stand up and bedding down every woman that looks your way. That's not healthy and you know it."

"Where do you get off judging me? You've done your share of drinking and sleeping around, pal." Starsky said tonelessly.

"Okay, so I'm not an angel either. But I'm not the one who was tortured and raped like you where." Hutch said sharply.

Starsky glared at Hutch, his eyes blazing with anger and a clear warning to back off.

"You think that makes me less than a man? Damaged goods?" Starsky snarled belligerently.

"No," Hutch said quietly "But you do."

With a growl, Starsky closed the distance between them and grabbed the front of Hutch's shirt with both hands hauling the big blond to his feet. "Shut up, Hutchinson!" he snapped "Just shut the fuck up!"

"Or what?" Hutch demanded staring at his partner calmly. He was not intimidated by Starsky's display of anger. He knew that the rage was just a cover up for the deeper feelings that Starsky didn't want to deal with. "You wanna punch me? Go ahead if it'll make you feel better."

With another growl deep in his chest, Starsky pushed Hutch away and began pacing the floor, his face still dark with anger. Hutch straightened up and watched his partner casually. He knew that Starsky was close to cracking, he just had to keep pushing and hope that he didn't get punched out.

"Talk to me, Starsky," Hutch said calmly. "Don't keep it bottled up inside like this."

"Talk about what?" Starsky demanded in a harsh, hard edged voice. "About being tired up and beaten and cut with a knife…burned with cigarettes. Knowing what he did to his other victims before he killed them?" He turned to glare at Hutch, his eyes filled with despair. "Or do you wanna hear about him tying me down and fucking me in the ass? About sucking me off? Is that what you wanna hear about? You wanna hear about how I got a hard on and got off on it? Is that what you wanna hear?"

"Starsky, you know that having an erection had nothing to do with what was happening to you. It's a normal response for a man when he's stimulated sexually. You can't just turn it off and on like a switch."

"I came. He made me come and he kept telling me that I enjoyed it…that I was just hiding the way I really felt about men."

"You don't really believe that, do you?"

"I don't know anymore," Starsky said in a choked voice as he finally tore down the walls that he had built about his emotions. Finally, Hutch knew it was safe to approach his volatile partner and offer what comfort he could. Starsky willingly leaned against him and began to sob quietly as Hutch wrapped his arms tightly around the trembling body.

Hutch took a step backwards, pulling them both back towards the sofa. He sank down and pulled his partner down beside him with letting go. Raising his hand, he gently stroked those thick, dark curls in a soothing gesture that always seemed to calm Starsky when he was upset.

In a muffled voice, Starsky said without raising his head, "It hurt, Hutch…it hurt so damn bad. And all I could think about was what he did to his other victims. I was so scared but I couldn't let him know that."

"I know, buddy…I know." Hutch whispered "I wish I could have found you in time to save you from going through that."

"It hurt…" Starsky whispered "But, sometimes…it felt good too."

"That was just a physical response to what was happening," Hutch reminded him. "It doesn't mean that you wanted him to do what he was doing." Hutch paused to let his words sink in and then he asked "Do you want to go out and find a man to fuck now? Do you wanna fuck me?"

"NO!" Starsky said hotly as he abruptly straightened up and pulled out of Hutch's embrace. His eyes were wide with shock and disbelief. "Of course I don't!"

"Then why blame yourself for what happened? It doesn't change who you are. And it shouldn't change how you feel about yourself as a man."

"I don't know what to do," Starsky admitted. "Every time I close my eyes, I go through it again and again…the only way to stop it is by drinking until I can't stand up." He let out a deep shuddering breath.

"Maybe you should talk to somebody. Somebody who can help you get through this."

"A shrink?" Starsky said in a high pitched voice

"Not a shrink…just somebody who deals with victims like you." Hutch told him "I've got a friend I think can help. He's a counselor who deals with rape survivors and other victims of violent crimes."

"Will you come with me?" Starsky asked in a hoarse whisper putting his trust in Hutch's judgment. He looked at his partner hopefully.

"Of course I will," Hutch promised him. "I can give him a call in the morning."

"Okay." Starsky whispered giving in with a sigh as he leaned back against Hutch, resting his head on the big blond's shoulder.

"Its gonna be okay, buddy." Hutch said fondly. "You're gonna be okay. We'll get through this the way we always do…together."

He smiled as he brushed a kiss through those thick, dark curls. He knew that Starsky had finally made the first step towards recovering from what had happened to him. He would always bear the scars of his ordeal but at least he was alive. And to Hutch, that was what mattered most of all.

THE END