I don't own SSBB, but I have the game. Enjoy this new chapter. Deceit, conspiracy, ruthless violence! All the heart warming elements we all know and love!

It was near midnight at the Arena and most of the Brawlers were fast asleep (Thought the more nocturnal fighters like Meta Knight or Ganondorf were out enjoying the creepy darkness like most creepy dark people like to do in all of their dark creepiness)

In the cafeteria of the Arena, however, a not so nocturnal Brawler was sitting at a table, seemingly alone except for two green capsules that were resting in front of him. The Brawler tapped the capsules, the Assist Trophies, and released their contents into the chairs across from him. One was a hedgehog with black spikes, glaring at an equally black laptop in his lap. The other was a large polygonal grey face with glowing orange eyes.

"Well?" The Brawler snapped. "Have you considered my proposal?"

The hedgehog (which any noob would know was Shadow) was engrossed with his laptop. "Have you ever heard of a site called FanFiction? Some stuff on here is really messed up!"

The grey face looked over Shadow's shoulder at the screen. After a moment of scanning, the face drew back with a mixed look of horror and nausea. "And I thought I was evil! A number of these stories scar my very SOUL! Who the hell writes some of this?"

"Look," The Brawler got to their feet and walked around the table towards the two. "I don't care what kind of junk you're looking at. I brought you here to…" The Brawler looked at the screen just as Shadow clicked on a story. They read some of the lines of text.

"HOLY CRAP, MY EYES! MY PERFECT EYES!" The Brawler fell to the floor as their eyes began to burn within their sockets. "TURN THAT DAMN THING OFF!"

Shadow rolled his own (unscarred) eyes and closed the laptop. He pointed at the Brawler, who was quietly sobbing on the floor in pain. "Chaos Control." Green energy flew from his hand and burrowed into the Brawler's eyes, restoring them.

The Brawler got up, blinked away some tears and sat back at the table. "Thanks. Why were you looking at that site anyway?"

Shadow shrugged. "I overheard Master Hand talking about someone named Chronicler Zoni and thought I'd check it out. Poor guy had barely any reviews when I looked up his work, but he seems to be writing about us right now while his other stories are dormant." (Yes, I am referencing myself. If you don't like it, you can complain to Crazy Hand. Hope you like hellfire! "YES! ME DO!")

The grey face frowned. "So, anyway, this deal you offered earlier. It is legitimate I hope?"

The Brawler grinned wickedly. "Yes, Andross, it is. I knew that you two would be perfect for my plan, which is why I asked in the first place."

Andross smirked. "Well, then. If what you promise is true, then I will be delighted to assist (pardon the pun).

Shadow coughed into his hand.

"Yes Shadow?" The Brawler asked.

"Yeah, I get what's in it for Mr. Retro over there, but what do you have to offer me?"

The Brawler smiled. "Sonic's room is next door."

Shadow gave an evil half-smile. "Perfect. I'm in too." (BUM BUM BUUUUMMM! DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC!)

The next morning.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

Most of the Brawlers ran out of their rooms and looked around the hallway of their dorm, Awoken by the scream, they began searching for the source (some hoping it was Toon Link so they could beat him up)

Donkey Kong was passing the restrooms when he heard someone scream again. He slapped his hands on the floor to get the other Brawlers' attention and pointed at the men's restroom. (He would have gone in, but he couldn't fit through the door)

"What is it Donkey Kong?" Zelda asked.

The gorilla pointed at the door again. "OOhh, Oohhh eeh Ooh!"

"Can you translate that?" Ike asked Pokemon Trainer.

"No way! I only understand Pokenese."

"Does anyone speak Ape?" Pit asked (the angel had curlers in his hair and wanted to get them out soon before the other guys woke up enough to notice)

Luigi raised his hand. "I-a speak some Ape. It-a was my minor in-a college."

"Probably why you became a plumber, isn't it?" Ganondorf sneered.

"Watch-a it Mussolini!" Luigi walked up to Donkey Kong and listened to his jabber. "Uh huh. Uh huh. Really? No-a joke? Ha! I-a know right?" Luigi turned back to the Brawlers.

"Well?" Link asked. "What did he say?"

Luigi shrugged. "I-a don't know. I can't understand-a his accent."

Ike, Pit, and Link blew up simultaneously. "WHAT! ALRIGHT IS THERE ANYONE BESIDES THE GREEN ITALIAN GUY WHO CAN UNDERSTAND DONKEY KONG?"

Lucario came up. "I can, probably. If I tried sensing his Aura, I should be able to guess what it is he wants to tell us."

Samus waved her hand. "Fine, but hurry up! I'm don't want Crazy Hand to catch me without my Battle Suit!"

Lucario raised a paw, engulfing it in flickering blue Aura, and placed it on Donkey Kong's head. After a few seconds (Donkey Kong was tapping his foot impatiently) Lucario removed his paw and looked quizzically at the men's bathroom. He walked up the door and went inside.

"GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE I KICK YOUR FURRY BLUE ASS!"

Lucario rushed out of the bathroom and put his back to the door, blocking the way. His red eyes were wide with alarm.

"Who is it?" Marth asked (he needed to dye his hair)

Lucario looked at the Brawlers, as if just remembering they were there. "Get Master Hand, NOW!"

"But-"

"NOW, FOR ARCEUS' SAKE!"

After a few minutes, Master Hand was brought to Lucario. "Please tell me Crazy did not try to 'fix' the plumbing again."

Crazy Hand punched through the ceiling and floated down next to his brother. "Naw, me was hunting for jellybean cocky-roaches." (He started inching towards Samus, but she beat him back with her energy whip)

"Master Hand," Lucario gestured for the giant hand to come closer. The Pokemon whispered something to the deity (he wasn't really sure where exactly to whisper but he decided to try anyway)

Master Hand flew back a few feet, his fingers stretched out in shock. "WHAT! Are you sure?"

Lucario nodded.

Master Hand spun around and faced (though he had no head) the Brawlers. "Everyone to the Conference Room IMMEDIETLY!"

Everyone in the hall followed a muttering Master Hand and a bouncing Crazy Hand to the Conference Room and sat at their places. Master Hand floated up to the podium and addressed the Brawlers. "I have some disturbing news. It seems as if we have a saboteur in our midst."

"A sabo-churro?"

"NO CRAZY! A SABOTEUR! IT'S FRENCH!" Turning back to the Brawlers, Master Hand cleared his non-existent throat. "It seems as if somehow, SOMEONE was able to cause ALL of Mr. McCloud's fur to fall off." (Falco groaned. Krystal was NOT going to like that.)

Wolf snickered, then burst into hysterical laughter. "HA, HA! HOO BOY! GUESS THE KID WOKE UP BRIGHT EYED BUT FORGOT THE BUSHY TAIL! HA, HA, HA!"

"So was it you, Mr. O'Donnell?" Master Hand asked.

Wolf waved away the hand and smirked. "Naw, it wasn't me. Though I would like to shake hands with the guy who did it!"

"Well then, where is the culprit? If he or she is in here, please come forward."

Everyone was silent (Crazy Hand made cricket sounds by rubbing together his thumb and ring finger)

Master Hand fumed. "Fine. Since no one will confess, I suppose we will just have to get on with today's battle."

"IT WAS TOON LINK!"

Everyone turned to see Sonic run into the room.

"And what proof do you have of this, Sonic?" Asked Master Hand.

Sonic snorted. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe, THIS!" He turned around and pointed to the back of his head.

The spikes on the back of the hedgehog's head were shaved down to form a patch shaped like a Wind Waker.

"Do you see what that twerp did to me? It'll take forever for my hair to grow back!" Sonic balled his fists. "WHERE THE HELL IS HE? I'M GOING TO KICK HIS ASS SO HARD HIS GRANDCHILDREN WILL FEEL IT!" (Good thing Toon Link wasn't in the room)

The Brawlers joined in (They were hoping they would get to beat up Toon Link for setting Crazy Hand on them)

"THROW HIM ON HIS SWORD!" Ganondorf roared.

"FORCE FEED HIM HOT COALS!" Marth shouted.

"PIKA, PIKACHU!" Pikachu squeaked. (Pokemon Trainer looked appalled)

"MAKE HIM LISTEN TO JIGGLYPUFF's singing!" Snake cried.

Jigglypuff grabbed Snake by the neck and threw him to Kirby.

Kirby was happy for the snack (though it was kinda greasy)

"ENOUGH!" Master Hand shouted. He snapped his fingers and a lightning bolt struck the podium, reducing it to ash. "YOU CAN GO HAVE YOUR ANGRY MOB MOMENT AFTER THE DAY'S BRAWL! GOT IT?"

Everyone nodded.

"Good. Today's contestants are Ike, Bowser, and Ganondorf. Good luck and all that!"

The three chosen Brawlers were teleported to Frigate Orpheon.

In the background, the many-limped Parasite Queen was watching from within a large energy field (holding a barrel sized popcorn and a Big Gulp while she watched)

Seeing his was outnumbered by two bad guys, Ike began swinging his golden blade at Bowser, trying drive the Koopa towards the edge of the platform they were on.

Bowser smirked as he drew back from the slashing blade. "Kid, you're going to have to do better then that!" Breathing in deeply, Bowser released a torrent of flames from his fanged mouth, trying to reduce Ike to an ashy stain. Ike threw his sword in the air, its magic drawing him to it (and also away from the pyromaniac below)

Ganondorf was watching from a safe distant platform, his arms crossed. "Well, isn't this familiar. A teenager with a magic sword fighting a fire breathing monster." Ganondorf examined his black fingernails (gross right?) "Exactly how long are you going to try to roast him, Bowser? Just crush the damn kid and let's be done with it."

Bowser looked up at Ganondorf and growled. "I don't see you helping, self-proclaimed 'King of Evil!' No wonder you always lose to Link! You're too busy sitting on your royal ass instead of doing the job early!"

Ganondorf frowned. "Watch your tone with me, you over grown turtle! I have conquered whole realms of existence! You, on the other hand, have only been able to take over only one measly pathetic wasteland!"

"THAT PROPERTY IS SOME OF THE BEST REAL ESTATE ON THE EAST SIDE!

"The east side of what? Mediocrity?"

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!" Bowser glared at Ike. "I'll be back to bite your head off in a minute.

Ike didn't mind. It beat having to fight the pissed off Koopa King. "Take your time."

Bowser went into his spiked shell, jumping up in the air as he did. His spinning Whirling Fortress attack flew towards the dark wizard, ready to impale him. Ganondorf, drew back his fist, dark magic swirling round it. Just as the shell reached him, the King of Evil released his Warlock Punch with a scream. Bowser flew to the other side of the stage (his shell protecting his pudgy body, but vibrating like San Francisco during a quake) Spotting a Crate appear on the stage, Bowser ran to it on his stubby legs. He grabbed the box and with little effort threw it at Ganondorf. The Gerudo jumped in the air and knocked the projectile away from him with a darkness-covered Wizard's Foot. The box landed just ten inches away from Ike (He had been watching with the Parasite Queen, who happened to have a second Big Gulp.)

Ike sputtered in mid sip of his beverage and fell on his back. Quietly getting up, he was mourning the loss of his soft drink when he noticed the villains were still fighting, not remembering his presence. Ike slit open the Crate with his sword and peeked inside.

He grinned.

Bowser was slashing at Ganondorf with his claws when the lights on the Frigate suddenly went out. An alarm sounded off from every direction, blaring in their ears.

"Uh, what is that supposed to mean again?" Bowser asked.

"This." Ganondorf replied. With Bowser distracted, Ganondorf grabbed him by the throat (no small feat) and used his Dark Choke attack on the Koopa. The dark magic attack threw Bowser to the floor in a heap of chubby fatness. Ganondorf approached him, gloating over his opponent.

"Why am I not surprised? If you had spent less time stuffing yourself and more time training, perhaps you would have stood a chance." Ganondorf drew back his fist, preparing for another Warlock Punch. "Perhaps."

Suddenly the platforms turned upside down.

"WAAH!"

Bowser was able to gather enough energy to use his Whirling Fortress move and fly in the air.

Ganondorf, however, was falling into the deep dark terrible abyss. He tried using his jump move, which lifted him slightly in the air.

But not enough to grab a ledge.

"CCCRRRAAAAPPPP!"

Bowser watched as Ganondorf blew up in a burst of light. The power turned back on in the Frigate.

The Koopa turned around, rubbing his hands (er claws) together. "Well, now that Ganondork is out of the picture, I'm feeling in the mood for some swordsman shish kabob." He looked around the Frigate. "Where is that kid anyway?"

"Hey."

Bowser turned around and saw Ike holding a chunk of ice with a blue face on it.

"Oh, hey." Bowser turned back to look for Ike, then widened his eyes in realization.

"Damn."

Ike threw the Freezie at Bowser, freezing him in a block of chilling ice (Note: Reptiles and cold don't mix!)

As Bowser watched in terror, unable to move, Ike raised his sword above his head with both hands. The blade began burning with divine flame. "When are you villains going to learn? Never give the hero enough time to stock up on items."

Ike released his Eruption attack at full power, his sword forming a small inferno that sent the frozen Bowser flying into the distance (The Parasite Queen had to take out some binoculars to see when he blew up)

Back at the Arena

"And the winner is…IKE!"

Ike waved at the clapping Brawlers, while Bowser and Ganondorf pouted in the background (Bowser had a cold and was secretly wiping his snout on the Evil King's cape)

Sonic got up from his seat and faced the Brawlers. "HEY!"

The Brawlers quieted and looked at the blue hedgehog (those behind him snickered at the patch on his head)

"This has been fun and all. Also good job, Ike," Sonic gave a thumbs up to the swordsman. "But I think we're forgetting something."

The Brawlers looked at each other in confusion.

"GETTING REVENGE ON TOON LINK!" Sonic shouted.

The other Brawlers (remembering they were going to form an angry mob earlier) jumped form their seats and ran from the room (somehow they found torches and pitchforks) "GET TOON LINK!"

Master Hand sighed as the Brawlers combed the Arena, looking for the cartoonish hero. "Why do these things happen to me?"

"Just lucky me guess." Crazy Hand pulled a flaming sword out of thin air. "I LIKE TOON JELLY!" The psychopath flew out of the room, joining the hunt.

Master Hand left the Conference Room to make sure his brother did not cause Armageddon.

Again.

Looks like Toon Link's in a pickle. I wonder if he did do all those things (Who am I kidding? I'm writing this story! Of course I know if he is!) Anyway, while the Brawlers are hunting for the little guy's blood, review and post your votes for the next battle! (Hopefully by then Fox and Sonic's hair will grow back) See ya next chapter!