By way of explanation, this is why we're here:

jennde: This all started with a review a received for Finding Home, in which the reviewer, m1eab01 (who you can either thank or blame when this is all over), mentioned that what prompted her to read was a particularly rambling and nonsensical review I left for Bel's The Cullen Campaign. I thought it was really sweet, so I emailed Bel the details.

belladonna1472: And I said "You and I should write a story one day that's like a ramble-off between Bella and Edward. I know I would read it! Office memos or something like that."

jen: And then I said "I can totally see it now. Bella works in the IT department of a huge corporation, and she has to send memos to Edward about his unauthorized web surfing. She watches what he does and while she has to reprimand him about non-work related web usage during working hours, she also inserts little rambles about the websites he visits."

bel: And then we discovered that we liked writing together, so much so that we turned that long chain of rambling emails into first few chapters of a real story. Yes, a real story. Not a fake one. A real one. We hope you enjoy reading this, because we've had a blast writing it!

Sorry for the long a/n, we'll try to keep the rambling to a minimum as we move forward.

Thanks to SR for being a Super Beta and to Lucette212 for pre-reading.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER ONE

From: Isabella Swan ISwan (at) culleninc (dot) com
To: Edward Masen EMasen (at) culleninc (dot) com
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 1:26 PM
Subject: Internet Usage

Dear Mr. Masen,

You logged one hour and fourteen minutes of unauthorized Internet usage on May 28, 2010. As per company policy, only work related websites should be visited between the hours of 8:00am and 6:00pm. Please note this section from the company handbook, page 13.5:

While use of the computer, e-mail and Internet is intended for job-related activities, incidental and occasional brief personal use is permitted within reasonable limits, so long as it does not interfere with the employee's work.

The company specifically prohibits the use of computers (including Internet access) and the e-mail system in ways that are disruptive, offensive to others or harmful to morale, including sexually explicit messages, images and cartoons, ethnic slurs, racial comments, off-color jokes or anything that could be construed as harassment or shows disrespect for others, defames or slanders others, or otherwise harms another person or business.

Employees may not access the Internet to log onto any Web sites that contain any such material, including any pornographic Web site, or any Web site that contains any discriminatory message, or disparages any group. Employees may not use computers or the e-mail system for commercial messages of any kind or for messages of a religious or political nature, chain letters, solicitations, gambling or other inappropriate usage. E-mail and Internet access should be used in such a way that all transmissions, whether internal or external, are accurate, appropriate, ethical and lawful.

Your adherence to company policy in the future would be greatly appreciated.

By the way, the recipe you looked up on the Food Network website is terrible. Substitute oregano for basil, use a medium shallot instead of yellow onion, and omit the pepper jack completely and it will be much better.

Isabella Swan
IT Specialist
Cullen, Inc.

From: Edward Masen
To: Isabella Swan
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 1:47 PM
Subject: In my defense...

Dear Ms. Swan,

(or should that be Rachael Ray?)

I worked at least 1 hour and 14 minutes of overtime on May 28, 2010. Surely my dedication to this job offsets any "unauthorized" web usage. Not to mention - and I say this as modestly as possible - I am the Chief Financial Officer of the company. I recall staying in the office until at least 8:30pm, which is why I didn't end up trying the recipe until the following day.

Speaking of said recipe - how do I know your substitutions can be trusted?

Edward Masen
Chief Financial Officer
Cullen, Inc.

From: Isabella Swan
To: Edward Masen
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 2:01 PM
Subject: Sincere Apologies

Dear Mr. Masen,

Please excuse me, Sir. I'm new here and had no idea you were the CFO. I'm told to look at general usage by employees and send out emails if someone is visiting unauthorized sites during business hours. I will refrain from emailing you regarding Internet usage in the future.

But I have to ask, don't you have a computer at home where you can look up recipes?

You must realize that IT Managers often have degrees in areas having nothing to do with computers or networks. Mine are in Literature and Culinary Arts. Sadly, this was the only job I could find.

Isabella Swan
IT Specialist
Cullen, Inc.

PS: Rachel Ray is a hack.

From: Edward Masen
To: Isabella Swan
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 2:26 PM
Subject: Technicalities

Dear Ms. Swan,

I do have a computer at home where I can look up recipes. But in the grand scheme of things, I must tell you that I think the universe has already punished me for my unauthorized Internet usage. You see, I looked up that recipe because I had a date the next night. I wanted to cook. The evening was horrible - and I'm not just talking about the meal.

I will defer to you on the substitutions. I hope you are not too sad in this IT job of yours.

Edward Masen
Failed Chef
Cullen, Inc.

From: Isabella Swan
To: Edward Masen
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 2:51 PM
Subject: Just Doing My Job

Dear Mr. Masen,

I'm sorry to hear that your date was a disaster, especially since you seemed to take such care with choosing what to cook. If it makes you feel any better, I went out last night on what might have been the worst first date ever.

A casual acquaintance asked me to dinner and a movie, of which there are many iterations, especially in a city this size. His version was a Value Meal followed by a porno down on Tenth Avenue.

I may never date again.

I hope you'll remake the recipe as I suggested. I promise it will be delicious.

My job isn't so bad some days. Like today, for instance.

Isabella Swan
Failed Dater
Cullen, Inc.

From: Edward Masen
To: Isabella Swan
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 3:01 PM
Subject: What a Bozo

Dear Ms. Swan,

I guess reprimanding people must be akin to handing out detentions. I hope that doesn't get too tiresome. In a gesture of goodwill, I will try to use my BlackBerry if I feel the need to conduct personal business.

I am appalled at this casual acquaintance of yours. Simply appalled. There is no way that such a date could ever be acceptable, even if he paid for your McNuggets and let you choose which "movie" to watch. Even Ronald McDonald could've come up with a better plan than that. Then again, this guy sounds like the ultimate clown.

I don't think you should quit dating. Not all men are this stupid, I assure you.

As for my failed date...Yes, I did make an effort. You can even ask the stock boy at my local Dean & DeLuca - I spent an inordinate amount of time collecting ingredients, as well as choosing an appropriate appetizer. I do want to try the recipe again, but I'm worried I'll have flashbacks to the date.

Edward Masen
Clown Hater
Cullen Inc.

From: Isabella Swan
To: Edward Masen
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 4:26 PM
Subject: Bingo!

Dear Mr. Masen,

I'll take your word for it that most men aren't stupid, as I'm beginning to believe otherwise. A few months ago I met a man in a coffee shop and took a chance by giving him my phone number and email address.

He showed up for our first date with his mother, decrying his lack of available eldercare options. We played bingo in a church basement, then went to the Early Bird Special at IHOP (I didn't even know there was a IHOP in the city). Then, when he dropped me off and walked me to my front door, he licked the side of my face.

To this day, I'm still getting his "Joke of the Day" emails.

You sound like a man of discerning tastes who takes care when planning to treat a woman to a nice evening. I'm often at Dean & DeLuca on Sunday morning for coffee and a scone in an attempt to wash away the bitter taste left in my mouth from the previous evening's inevitable disappointment.

Please, try the recipe again, I promise it will be delicious. It's not difficult and since it serves two, you can save it for lunch the next day. It heats well. Unless of course you have another date planned, in which case I wish you luck this time around. I promise my version will erase any and all bad memories associated with your previous attempt.

Isabella Swan
Not a Salt Lick
Cullen, Inc.

From: Edward Masen
To: Isabella Swan
Date: Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 7:45 AM
Subject: Saving Face

Dear Ms. Swan,

I cannot believe this other guy took you to play bingo, and I am almost tempted to call you a liar for saying there is a IHOP in the city! I shudder to think what he had planned for the second date - perhaps an AARP Conference, or a trip to the local Duane Reade to get his mother's prescriptions filled.

But what I truly cannot fathom is the fact he licked the side of your face. I would never treat a woman like a postage stamp! I am outraged. Positively outraged. And how dare he continue to send "Joke of the Day" emails. He is most certainly the biggest joke I have heard about all week, and that's saying something, as I'm sure you're aware of the many idiots who work in this corporation.

Perhaps this Sunday morning you could ask someone for a pricing gun...so you can label these men as "cheap."

I do love the coffee at Dean & DeLuca, and I wonder if we've ever passed each other by on a Sunday morning. I suppose I'll have to go back to the store if I want try the recipe again. I do not have another date planned, so I guess I will end up saving a portion for lunch. I certainly hope your version helps purge the bad memories of my ill-fated date...I must warn you though, it would take quite the culinary masterpiece to erase the fact that this woman...No, I can't even type about it.

Edward Masen
Not a Joke
Cullen, Inc.

From: Isabella Swan
To: Edward Masen
Date: Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 9:12 AM
Subject: Steak Shaped Steak

Dear Mr. Masen,

I wouldn't lie about something like IHOP. Believe me, it exists and it's horrifying, especially to someone with a culinary degree. One of my dinner companions ordered something called Salisbury Steak; apparently it's meat that's been minced and reformed into the shape of a steak, then topped with mushrooms and an unidentifiable brown "sauce."

I'm afraid to tell you what I ordered, for fear that you'll think less of me.

You're right, there are quite a few idiots who work for this corporation. Have you met the VP of Marketing? Jasper is his name, and apparently he's the boss' son. Or son-in-law. Something like that. Be that as it may, he would have to be related since he comes off as a complete stoner in conversation.

Perhaps we have passed each other on a Sunday morning, though I doubt I would have noticed. No offense personally, I just tend to keep to myself. I'm usually at the Prince Street location since its close to where I live and I can stay and enjoy my coffee with my head buried in a copy of the New York Times.

I'm intrigued about what happened on your date. I've already shared two bad date experiences with you, won't you tell me about yours? I promise I won't laugh (unless appropriate).

I think I have just about all the ingredients necessary to make the dish we've been discussing. Perhaps I'll make it this weekend and bring my leftovers for lunch on Monday.

Isabella Swan
Still Hopeful
Cullen, Inc.

From: Edward Masen
To: Isabella Swan
Date: Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 10:55 AM
Subject: Brown v. Board of Sanitation

Dear Ms. Swan,

I hope you will excuse the two minutes of unauthorized web usage that I just clocked up. I simply had to know where this House of Reconstituted Steak is located, as I plan on avoiding this establishment for the rest of my life. If I had the guts to do so, I would protest in front of it with a placard that read "Make Love, Not Unidentifiable Brown Sauce." I won't ever do this, as it would of course require me to be within fifty feet of said "sauce," but I'm sure you can appreciate the sentiment.

Oh, you mean Jasper Whitlock? Yes, he does come off as quite a stoner. Every time I meet with him to discuss his department's expenditure, I feel like I'm talking to a spaced out ten-year-old. Perhaps I should employ the use of flash cards: New York City. Money. Marijuana. It's meetings with people like him that make me regret ever leaving PricewaterhouseCoopers.

Ah, see, I'm a regular at the Madison location, but I have considered venturing elsewhere. You see, the stock boy I mentioned earlier...he stares at me longingly when I'm shopping, and it makes me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough for me to start visiting the SoHo store? Well, I wouldn't want to intrude on your territory...

Yes, you're right - you have shared two of your date experiences. I suppose it is only fair that I let you in on what happened. But in exchange, I'd like to know what you ordered at IHOP. To pique your interest, I give you this tidbit: my date wore a white dress that night, and thirty minutes into the date, I noticed a...uh, red...stain...

If you make the dish this Sunday, then perhaps we can compare notes on Monday? Not that you'd need to take notes while cooking. It's just that I'd like to check whether I cooked it correctly.

Edward Masen
Object of Stock Boy's Affection
Cullen, Inc.

From: Isabella Swan
To: Edward Masen
Date: Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 11:30 AM
Subject: Nothing Good Comes From a Can

Dear Mr. Masen,

I've already given you so much, but I'm willing to play ball. I really want to hear about this date. I ordered breakfast for dinner. The Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfast, to be exact. I figured I couldn't really go wrong with pancakes at the International House of Pancakes. It seemed so safe. I was so wrong. It was like eating hockey pucks with canned pie filling poured on top. And actually having to order it from the server was terribly embarrassing. The term "Rooty Tooty" should never be used in civilized conversation.

You worked for Pricewaterhouse? May I ask what prompted you to leave? For someone in your position, that would seem like a dream job. Though Cullen, Inc. does have its perks.

You should see the websites Jasper Whitlock visits. I sit here some days and wonder where I've gone wrong with my life that he probably makes ten times what I do, and I work hard all day when all he does is troll the web daily for...never mind.

You wouldn't be intruding on my space if you wanted to come by the SoHo Dean & DeLuca, but it seems so out of your way since your preferred location is so far uptown. I guess CFOs can afford to live uptown. We lowly IT folk aren't usually allowed past 23rd Street.

I'm planning on making myself a lovely dinner on Sunday night, using the very recipe we've been discussing. Even though I live alone and will be cooking for one, there's no reason I shouldn't treat myself well. Especially since I have yet to find a proper date who will do it for me, at least some of the time.

Isabella Swan
Independent Woman
Cullen, Inc.

From: Edward Masen
To: Isabella Swan
Date: Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 2:16 PM
Subject: Freshening Up

Dear Ms. Swan,

I frequently order breakfast for both lunch and dinner. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I think it will jumpstart my day in some way, like I'm starting all over again.

And wanting a fresh start is what prompted me to leave PwC. As much as people like Whitlock annoy the hell out of me, I do like my job here at Cullen, Inc. I crunched a lot of numbers for my previous employer. But the division I was in was taken over by a crazy woman. (I will not name her, as I am afraid she will track this email down and attempt to "punish" me.) She kept hiring her friends, and suddenly life at the office was like a Diet Coke commercial. I was being objectified, you see. And yes, I meant "punish" in that way...

This email has been brought to you by the letters S & M. My apologies. I hope I have not disturbed you – it's just that it's better if I make light of the situation.

I am curious about Whitlock's internet usage. Are you allowed to tell me what he trolls the net for? If not, please tell me anyway. I have a flash card for the word Please: it's of me with puppy dog eyes.

Ah, yes, my salary is absurdly generous, thanks to Carlisle Cullen himself. But as I have indicated, I am not one of those people who insist on living in their Upper East Side bubble. You are quite welcome, also, to visit the Dean & DeLuca there.

Perhaps we could email each other while cooking on Sunday night? Please feel free to ignore me. I am not one to force my company on people. Company as in companionship, not Cullen, Inc. Obviously, we both work for the same company, as we are emailing each other due to my unauthorized Internet usage.

Sorry, I tend to ramble when flustered.

So you can imagine how much I rambled when I saw the red stain on my date's white dress. I kept talking and talking, about anything, until she herself spotted the stain. She yelled at me for not telling her about it! Apparently, it was a very expensive dress - she bought it that day at Bergdorf's. Clearly, my hesitance in pointing out the stain was related to the fact it looked like...well, blood. It turned out that it was blood, but not hers.

Edward Masen
Not a fan of Diet Coke
Cullen, Inc.

From: Isabella Swan
To: Edward Masen
Date: Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 4:25 PM
Subject: It All Depends

Dear Mr. Masen,

I don't often order breakfast outside of traditional breakfast time, except when it's brunch (or I'm forced to eat at IHOP by a face-licker). I do, however, have a fondness for brunch, and when I'm not at D&D on a Sunday morning, I can be found at Arlo & Esme on First Street. They have an amazing brunch that's also affordable (IT Manager's salary, remember?). I don't know if you often venture downtown, but if you do, you should try it.

You know Carlisle Cullen? I passed him in the hallway once and nearly peed myself. He's so tall and intimidating and powerful. And good-looking. Word around the office is that he's straight and unmarried. Since you know him, can you confirm or deny this? I'm just curious, mind you. Someone like me being with someone like Mr. Cullen is out of the realm of possibility.

I have to admit that your reference to punishments made me a bit uncomfortable. I know I asked, but I wasn't expecting an answer like that. I'm no prude, and I'm an adult woman who has certain needs, but said needs have never involved implements of punishment.

I'm not really supposed to discuss the Internet usage of other employees, especially those related to the boss and over company email. Though I am in a position to erase anything scandalous or untoward from our servers.

Maybe if you tell me more about your date, I'll share that information with you. You do know how to leave a girl hanging, don't you? Did you ever find out whose blood it was and how it got on her dress?

Emailing on Sunday night while cooking might be nice. I can walk you through any problems you have with the recipe and I can pick up my ingredients at D&D when I'm there for my breakfast on Sunday morning, and before my date on Sunday afternoon. Should we exchange personal email addresses?

Isabella "Vanilla" Swan
Cullen, Inc.

Thank you so much for reading! We'll be updating next Wednesday!

For details on the recipe, visit the DMM blog: http: / dearmrmasen. blogspot. com

Find us on Twitter: (at)jenndema and (at)belladonna1472