Catch Me, a merlin fanfic

AN: Hey! So I should really get back to my other fics (I will do soon!) But this song seemed to suit a possible relationship between Merlin and Morgana perfectly...

So yes, explanation!

This is a song fic, so I listened to the song and stuck in the lyrics to help the fic along for anyone new to the site. The song is Parachute by Cheryl Cole, this song does not belong to me. I'm just using it artistically.

This is a MERGANA fic, and set after all currently broadcast episodes in the UK, so POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR S3 UP TO E10. BUT IF THERE ARE ANY THEY WILL BE VERY SLIGHT.

Time skips along with the lyrics, and it's from Morgana's POV. Hopefully you'll gather that this story starts with her trying to decide if she can and will try to be good again. Cos we all want her to... Well, I do.

Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, that belongs to the BBC, however, I do own all my original ideas, concepts and storylines, so DO NOT STEAL.

Right, hope that's enough to explain,

Enjoy!

I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand

I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned

I won't tell anybody

Won't tell anybody

She wasn't sure she could do this. She wasn't sure, she didn't know- what was she supposed to do?

He could tell, could see her panic, hear her breath coming faster. Second thoughts, doubts, painful emotions twisting round inside her, threatening to overtake her.

Subtly he leaned towards her, taking her hand in his and squeezing gently. She tried to glare at him, but he smiled it off with a dry curve of his lips.

"Easy Morgana."

She bit her lip, eyes wide like a frightened child.

They want to push me down

They want to see you fall (Down)

Merlin turned away and she watched him go. She ignored the way her heart pounded against her chest, as if it was going to burst through her skin and the thin silk material of her dress.

She ignored the soft, warm tingle lingering on her fingers where she'd touched him- like a dusting of stardust, like magic but different to what she knew. Safe, warm, beautiful.

His voice rang in her ears and mind, echoing round and round, calming her down. She'd made this decision. Because, she'd never admit it, but he was right.

Won't tell anybody how you turn my world around

I won't tell anyone how your voice is my favourite sound

I won't tell anybody

Won't tell anybody...

All of them wanted to use her. Uther, the court- the ridiculous, arrogant, ignorant, prejudiced tyrants that made up Camelot's artistocracy. But so did Morgause, and she'd spent so long trying to find salvation in the last claim she had to family she'd nearly missed it.

Not quite though. Because one day Morgause told her to kill him. Stab him through the heart- and she, angry and scared and hateful and hurt had agreed without a word. She didn't see the look in her sister's eyes. Didn't realize the plan behind them, or the prophecy that had driven it all.

They want to see us fall

They want to see us fall (down)

Because the future wasn't set- if a lifetime of nightmares had told her anything, it was that. And what was more, something as powerful as this could only have two possible outcomes, and she wasn't angry enough yet to follow the path set.

She could hate Merlin. She could have killed him. She raised the dagger above his sleeping form, got ready to bring it down…

But she couldn't do it. Suddenly, looking down at that face- soft and peaceful, sweet in slumber as it always had been, all the walls came crumbling down. All at once she was lost again, and with a choked sob she fell to her knees, dropping the dagger with a clatter.

When he awoke, he'd found her, eyes red, face pale, hair a mess and beautiful as a fallen angel. He'd seen the dagger, and she'd seen the anger flash across his face, so she'd kicked it away- not sure herself why she did. He frowned and she looked up at him.

"Help me."

I don't need a parachute

Baby, if I've got you

I don't need a parachute

You're gonna catch me

You're gonna catch if I fall

Down, down, down

He had. Gently, easily, carefully he'd starting putting the pieces back together. He'd counseled her, restrained her, soothed her as she cried in the night. He'd go to Arthur with deep shadows under his eyes after murmuring to her all night and smile away his prince's concern.

She wasn't sure why he was doing it, was tempted, often, again and again to go back to Morgause- whose messages became more and more urgent. Mirrors and letters and voices that made her lie awake in bed at night.

And every time she went to leave, he'd be standing in the corridor, arms folded, smiling softly, leaning against the wall and looking far too composed, too handsome in the moonlight than he had any right to. And he'd take her back to her room, and he'd talk to her about monsters and witches and dragons and the old days, and he'd remind her why she was doing this. He'd soothe her hatred with love, and eventually, she began to lean into his cautious caresses, letting him be her crutch as she struggled out of the hole she'd fallen into.

I don't need a parachute

Baby, if I've got you

I don't need a parachute

You're gonna catch me

You're gonna catch if I fall

Down, down, down

She wasn't a fool; neither was he. Both struggled to trust one another- and sometimes, she saw it in his eyes. Secrets and questions, wounded caution. He had a right to it- she'd tried to kill him more than once, could easily betray whatever it was they were forming.

It hurt to know he didn't feel safe around her.

There was something else too, a huge unspoken secret that often stretched abrupt silences between them, and he'd open his mouth, as if he were about to say something- and then he'd look at her with those eyes far too deep and far too old for his youth and he'd smile a little and talk about something else.

Sometimes, it wasn't just Arthur who he came to exhausted, and he never told her what kept him awake, never let her know. So instead of pushing him further, she'd hesitantly take his hand, stare at the ground, and then, with all her courage, whisper,

"Thankyou Merlin."

Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late night and

You are your own worst enemy

You'll never win the fight

Just hold on to me

He'd look at her again, and that stupid, silly, (beautiful) smile would pull across his features, and he'd pull her into a hug, no matter how stiff or resistant she was.

Gradually, Gwen began to come round too, starting to smile, especially when she saw the two together- and she and Merlin would share a look, and Merlin would blush and rub the back of his neck and shrug with a laugh, as if an entire conversation had taken place.

The flowers came every day- sometimes blue, sometimes white, always soft, gentle colours that she loved. She had no idea where he got them, she herself had been into the forest, curious as to where he went in the early hours as the sun rose. She could never find anything. She liked it that way. It was like magic.

Of course, her sister did come to the castle once or twice. But this time, Merlin was with her. Morgana screamed the first time Morgause tried to kill him, but he sidestepped nimbly, again and again, until eventually she got in the way, defending him with her body.

Morgause and Merlin had tensed, and with a whip of blonde hair the sorceress had left. After she'd gone, Merlin and Morgana stood still in the empty tower where they'd found her, breathing fast. She'd turned to him, opening her mouth to explain, apologise, say something in the face of this side of her sister she'd never seen.

He put a finger to her lips, smiling a little, and murmured, softly.

"Thankyou."

Then he'd leaned down, pressing his lips to hers in a gentle, fervent kiss. She let him.

I'll hold on to you

It's you and me up against the world

It's you and me...(Love)

People were accused of magic. People were hurt. Some of them died. Occasionally she'd visit Gaius' chambers- she'd see the racks of potions, and knew somewhere there was the poison Merlin had used to kill her.

Then she'd go back to her room and just sit on her bed, wringing her hands, and questioning everything, hurting, until her magic set the curtains on fire.

And the second the fire got out of control, she'd press herself up against the wall, wanting to cry out and unable to. But he'd come anyway, bursting through the door- all arms and legs and one mind, and he'd check she was alright and then he'd look to the fire and run to the flowers, gently taking them out of the vase before tipping the water over the fabric.

He took the punishment, standing in the stocks for his idiocy, and she visited him, and he could see the anger in her eyes.

"This was my fault! It's his fault!"

He'd just smile and shake his head. "It's no one's fault Morgana. Sometimes things are beyond our control. He doesn't understand that. But with us on his side, Arthur will."

And then he'd mutter a warning and she'd stand back and laugh as children threw cabbages in his face and he just grinned, shaking his head and playing games with them, completely unconcerned. Like everything was alright.

I don't need a parachute

Baby, if I've got you

I don't need a parachute

You're gonna catch me

You're gonna catch if I fall

Down, down, down

One day Uther had someone burned. It was someone she knew- one of Morgause's priests, in a desperate and frighteningly close attempt on the prince's life, he'd thrown a dagger from one end of the banquet hall. Morgana assumed whatever force that made the dagger drop to the ground was her- and was surprised at how even her magic had changed it's mood.

She didn't notice Merlin's eyes glowing behind his prince's throne.

Morgana didn't want Arthur to die- she knew that now, but nor did she went this man to die either. He'd met her eyes as he'd been dragged away, and she knew he remembered her as she did him. She'd gone to the square, something she rarely did, partly because of her position and partly because of the way this cruel, mindless killing infuriated her.

Still, she'd gone down that day, shoving through the crowd- it was hardly necessary, most parted for her, and she half wished she could be like Merlin-anonymous and free.

She'd managed to stand next to Arthur, who'd raised his eyebrows, and then, to her surprise, taken a step to stand a little in front of her, like a protective brother. Which, though she'd never thought of it, he was.

Then Merlin was there, whispering gently in her ear. "You knew him?" She nodded and he took her hand, gently squeezing it in a gesture of comfort. Another hand took hers and she startled before she realized it was Gwen, smiling sadly at her with eyes that knew and forgave her.

Together they stood, away from Uther, with the people, and where before she would have lost herself again, would have been driven mad by the screams that made her press her face into Arthur's shoulder where she couldn't lean into Merlin because of those around them- instead, it hurt, but she was safe. They protected her, and when she left, Merlin went back to he room with her. Arhtur didn't comment, Gwen found something else to do, and when they got there, he wrapped his arms around her, and they just stood together, silent.

Eventually, he sighed, and rested his forehead against hers, looking into her eyes.

"It will come to an end."

For the first time, she realized that this hurt and enraged him as much as it did her.

I don't need a parachute

Baby, if I've got you

I don't need a parachute

You're gonna catch me

You're gonna catch if I fall

Down, down, down

After that, it wasn't a question of whether she could kill him, or whether she hated him. It was simply whether he loved her as much as she was beginning to care for him.

She wondered all the time, caught his eyes in the throne room, brushed his fingers as he served her drink. She tried not to laugh when she saw him trip up, or worry when Arthur called him into the knight's training.

She watched him all the time, and the more she saw, the more she loved. She saw him carrying a small child from the lower town to Gaius' chambers after seeing him in the street. She saw him sneaking treats to the hounds and caught him stealing bread from the kitchens for the citizens. She saw him picking things up for the maids and helping the other servants keep up with their chores, saw him teasing Arthur and simultaneously defending him against anyone else.

She saw how angry he became in Uther's presence- an almost imperceptible tensing of his entire body, and she saw the wisdom in his detached pity of the king- began to share it. She saw how much he cared for Gaius, how he acted like a child in his presence, and saw the laughing friendship he shared with Gwen.

Eventually the nightmare's returned, she'd known without Morgause to sustain the spell they would. Still- they weren't so terrible now, because they were what she wanted; what she was working towards. Arthur and Gwen ruling Camelot, magic being performed freely in the square- Uther at peace on his deathbed, not suffering.

The first one she had she went straight to Merlin, eager to share the news- she told him everything, about the magic, the dreams, all of it. She trusted him with her heart and soul, she couldn't not.

He'd been asleep still, and she'd half flown past Gaius, flinging open the door, giddy with the relief of seeing something good and wanting it.

His eyes were red from crying, and he was sat on his bed, fists clenched, staring at the floor. Around him, objects were smashed and items of clothing were scattered everywhere. If she'd not known better, she'd say it had been done by magic.

Immediately she went to him, carefully sitting on the meager thing he called a bed, quelling a burst of anger at Uther even as it rose. Hesitantly, unsure why she was even nervous, she rested her hand on his, concern overriding her thoughts.

"What's wrong?"

He smiled a little but it was bitter and twisted, and she knew the expression all too well from wearing it herself.

"I had a nightmare."

"What about?"

"You."

A gasp came out of her in a rush and she sat back, hands curling as she wondered what it was.

"What did I do?"

His black eyebrows pulled up in an unreadable expression. "Nothing. You did nothing. Morgana, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I betrayed you."

She blinked, glancing at the door, half expecting guards to come rushing in, and then it clicked. Almost instinctively she glanced out of the room at Gaius' racks of vials. Merlin's hand rested on hers and she jumped, looking into his face.

She wanted to be angry again, scared, hurt, aggrieved, betrayed. But she couldn't, and even as he shook his head, eyes bright, trying to explain, she remembered why she'd forgiven him- why she couldn't hate him.

Gently she placed a hand on his cheek, wiping away a tear with her thumb.

"You have done so much. Not just for me, for everyone. You're the only person I trust any more, I can't…I don't…." She took a deep breath. "I don't know why, all I know is that Merlin, I forgive you."

I won't fall out of love

I won't fall out of,

I won't fall out of love

I won't fall out of,

I won't fall out of love

I won't fall out of,

I won't fall out of love

I'll fall into you

For a moment he said nothing, but this time she stubbornly kept her hand against his face. If he didn't want her touch he'd have to move away himself, she wasn't giving in this time.

Then, still without a word, he leaned forwards and pressed his lips to hers- much like their first kiss, it was soft and sweet and gentle. But she wanted more this time, wasn't caught unawares, and as he pulled away she reached up, wrapping her hand around the back of his neck and pulling him closer as she darted her tongue against his lips.

He chuckled lightly,breathless, and opened his mouth, reaching into hers as he did, tasting her, gently taking her as his own, caressing her as he gently pulled her lips between his, occasionally grazing her skin with his teeth.

His hands fell to her waist, thumbs rubbing light circles against her skin before one hand went up to tangle in her hair.

They broke apart at last and he smiled at her, cheeky.

"I forgot. Good morning my Lady."

She laughed, and went to kiss him again, but he shook his head. For a moment she was hurt and he quickly reassured her, kissing her nose lightly as he glanced at the door, smiling a little, flushed happily- much as she was certain she was.

"For once I'm going to have to take a leaf out of Arthur's book. I'd really rather keep my head on my neck if you don't mind."

She frowned, gritting her teeth. "Uther is such a fool."

He nodded blithely and she blinked in surprise. "Of course he is, but one day Arthur won't be, and we just have to wait til then."

It was as if the final wall had crumbled, and for a moment she processed his words before beaming happily. "Promise you'll come later?"

He quirked an eyebrow. "You thought I wouldn't?"

That evening, Uther was unable to gain the attention of either of his children whilst they were served, and though it clearly irritated him no end, no one commented. The happiness in the air was too rare to destroy.

I won't fall out of love

I won't fall out of,

I won't fall out of love

I won't fall out of,

I won't fall out of love

I won't fall out of,

I won't fall out of love

I'll fall into you

Cendred attacked again, of course. She wanted to tell Arthur what she knew, to help, but though she was fairly sure she loved him again, she couldn't quite bring himself to trust him, and instead she went to Merlin.

He gave her a hasty kiss, and by the end of the day Morgause and her pet king had failed once more. Morgana thought she could feel Morgause's eyes on her all day, and when it ended, on her way to find Merlin, she bumped into her sister.

The blonde grabbed her arm and Morgana flinched back, eyes wide, looking up and down the corridor for help, for Merlin. There was no one.

"So, little traitor- how does it feel to stab your sister in the back again?"

She shook her head violently, yanking her arm out of the other woman's grip, backing up against the wall.

"No! I didn't! I'm happy here, I don't want you to destroy it!"

Morgause raised her eyebrows. "So you want Uther to continue? The slaughter to never end?"

Her words brought back thousands of images, the priest's screams, children burning, things that had haunted her all her life.

"No!" She gasped, appalled. Morgause grinned triumphantly and suddenly Morgana felt a wave of fury at her sister, straightening. "No! I want a just, fair Camelot, and you're right, that will never come under Uther's reign. But nor will it come under yours."

Morgause's eyes narrowed, but it was the only outward sign of anger. Still, her hand went to her sword and Morgana backed up, half wishing she still had her dagger strapped to her waist- she knew her magic was no match for her sister's.

"You leave me no choice sister. If you will not work with me then you are my enemy, and no friend of mine."

"I am your sister, do you really think you can so easily disown me?"

She broke off when Morgause's sword suddenly rested against her throat, and without thinking her magic burst out, half as a result of shock, knocking back the blonde. Hoping her eyes were no longer glowing Morgana glanced up and down the hall, checking no one had seen before running, even as her sister struggled to her feet.

"smachtaím do colainn"

Morgana jerked suddenly, as if someone had thrown a rope around her waist. Her arms were pulled above her head of their own accord, and even as she struggled she was pulled back to her sister, who was repeating the incantation again and again.

She could feel her magic working inside her, burning behind her eyes, but it was useless- Morgause's power enveloped hers, bringing her back to her death. Footsteps in the corridor reached her ears and Morgana had the sense to close her eyes, hide her magic even as she cried out- though her voice was quickly cut off by her sister's spell.

"Morgana!" Merlin shouted, and she opened her eyes in relief, seeing the worry and panic on his face as he ran forwards.

Desperately she tried to shake her head and the frown of concern on his forehead deepened.

"Do you want to go with her?"

Stiffly Morgana shook her head again, feeling Morgause watching them curiously even as she choked, "…run…"

The love in his eyes grew so strong she couldn't help smliing, even as she was dragged, step by step, away from him, and then he raised his hand. He took a moment to stare into her face.

"Trust me. I love you."

His voice was firm, and then he shouted a spell, and his eyes burned gold, and the power over her faded into nothing.

I don't need a parachute

Baby, if I've got you

I don't need a parachute

You're gonna catch me

You're gonna catch if I fall

Down, down, down

For a second he was still; he seemed to sway on his feet, and then he shook his head, running to where she'd collapsed and falling to his knees, taking her head into his lap.

"Morgana! Morgana!"

She could hear him- she wasn't dead, he should know that. Still, he sounded so stupidly panicked she forced her eyes open with a light moan, ready to glare, to demand that Morgause return, to hate him for never telling her this- for leaving her alone….for not loving her enough to trust her with his secret…

"Oh thank the gods! Anything, thank fate, Avalon, Kilgarrah!" He gave a light, mad laugh, cheeks covered in tears. Gently he rubbed her face with his thumb, looking her over before staring into her eyes, "Are you alright? When- when I saw you, with your eyes shut, I thought maybe-oh Gods"

She frowned, he seemed to be missing the point. "You're magic."

His entire demeanour changed. He straightened, leaning away from her, though he still held her firmly above the ground. His face straightened and he nodded once. "Yes."

"Why did you never tell me? You could have helped me? Why didn't you love me enough?" Her voice was raised and somewhere at the back of her head she worried about the guards, but she brushed it off- he was going to give her some answers.

He had to, she didn't want to succumb to the anger burning through her like the poison he'd given her.

"I didn't know how to trust you. I was so used to not trusting, well, anyone, and when I found out about you. I wanted to tell you, don't get my wrong, but..."

"Instead you poisoned me." It was spoken in a hard, cold voice, and by now her body was as tense as his. His light eyes flickered to hers, full of questions and doubts, and then his chest rose and fell in a deep breath.

"Yes. And when you came back you tried to kill me, several times. If I'd told you you'd have just gone to Uther."

She said nothing. He was right.

"Morgana, I'm sorry, I'm not going to say I'd have told you if not for this, because I wouldn't have. But I would always always have saved your life rather than mine- and if you want to reveal me now, fine. All that matters any more is that you're safe." His voice broke on the last word and he gave a half smile, just a light pull of one side of his mouth up into a curve.

"I thought you…you know everything about me…"

"Do I?" He quirked an eyebrow. Morgana glared.

"This isn't funny Merlin."

He sobered instantly, no hint of pretense, and with a sigh he set her down, propping her against the wall before sitting back.

"No, you're right, of course it isn't." Silence fell between them, charged and confused, and after a few moments he glanced at her- eyes worried and young, like when he was anxious around Gaius.

"What are you going to do?"

She thought about it. Wanted, as before, to betray him- to hurt him like he kept hurting her, to make him understand that he couldn't do this to her, that she was barely winning the fight against the darker side of herself.

They'd been through so much by now though. She just... couldn't.

With a soft sigh she pulled herself to her feet, muscles aching where they'd strained against her sister. He stood too- meeting her eyes, and though he was proud, there was also modesty in his expression. She'd spent long enough studying his face to know that he was truly sorry, and didn't know how to react to it.

Instead of saying a word, she simply reached out, put a hand to the side of his face. He shut his eyes and leaned into her touch, so sad, so tired.

"I'm sorry Morgana. I'm so sorry."

It was all she needed, and with a half choked sob she flung her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder. After a moment he held her too, gently rubbing circles on her back.

"You can't keep these things from me Merlin- I'm not strong enough to hold it all together, please, I asked you to help me! I-I love you." She was crying now,and partly disgusted and embarrassed by her weakness. Mostly though she was simply chaos, straining at the scraps of love he'd given her to tie herself back together.

His hands moved to her arms, gently pushing her away, and she glanced up- letting go of him; confused.

He gave her a light, soft smile. "And I love you." He stepped closer, leaning his forehead against hers, and she closed her eyes, feeling the silken coolness of his skin.

"Open your eyes." He whispered. She did, and for a moment their gazes met, two very different kinds of crystal, turning to liquid and merging with one another.

One of his hands moved to the nape of her neck, running up through her hair, and the other rested on her hips.

"I will always catch you."

Then he tilted his head, and pressed his lips to hers, and she shut her eyes- shutting out the world with her sight, losing herself in him. It was all she needed.

I don't need a parachute

Baby, if I've got you

I don't need a parachute

You're gonna catch me

You're gonna catch if I fall

Down, down, down

These two could be so amazing with one another. I really hope you liked it, I did my best to keep in character- obviously bearing in mind Morgana's change of colours. This will remain a oneshot, just to let you know.

I'd really appreciate any comments- criticism, questions, responses, and I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much I did writing it.

Thankyou for your time,

Kat