Title: Fiddlers Three
Author: vanillavinegar
Rating: K
Summary: Roy ought really to expect disasters from the Elrics by now.
Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and all associated characters, settings, etc., belong to Hiromu Arakawa-san. The only profit I make from this work of fiction is my own satisfaction and, possibly, the enjoyment of others.
Author's Notes: Originally written for fma_fic_contest on livejournal, for Prompt 88 – "condense".

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"First of all," the boy said loudly, "I want everyone to know that this was in no way my fault."

In the building behind him, a window cracked, then blew outward, flames taking the place of the glass. Edward ignored the falling glass shards even as they sprinkled down around him.

"Honestly, this place was a fire trap to begin with."

"Fullmetal," Roy said tightly, but he doubted the boy heard him over the shouts of the firemen.

"Really, you should thank me—"

Another loud creak sounded from inside the building and the crowded sidewalk emptied as onlookers began to flee.

"—I mean, if we hadn't come to check out that hack, his experiments might've blown up the whole neighborhood instead of just his lab—"

"Fullmetal, I want an explanation!"

"Uh, brother? Colonel? I think that we should move out of the way—"

"So you should really think of this as a rescue mission—"

"How exactly did a simple visit become such a disaster, Fullmetal?"

"—And you can't really blame me, I only trashed – uh, removed – some of the more dangerous chemicals he had – this guy was a major nutjob, colonel, you wouldn't believe – well, maybe you would—"

"Brother, I really think it'd be safer across the street—"

"No one is leaving until I get some reason why, when I sent you to ask a few simple questions about possible alchemical fraud, you decided to blow up a man's entire house!" Roy thundered. "And make it quick, Fullmetal!"

The Elrics exchanged looks, then Edward shrugged.

"It turns out Mr. Stevens wasn't really much of an alchemist," Alphonse summarized, somehow appearing sheepish. Edward maintained his scowl, arms crossed in a clear denial of blame.

A headache began pounding its way into Roy's temple. "When you write up your report, Fullmetal, make sure you give only the condensed version of these events. Please?"

Behind them, sparks flew up into the night as the last beams of the house gave way with a crash.

THE END