Dear Sam,

Okay, first of all, next time you sneak in my house, try to not eat all the food in fridge. That's pretty much the reason why my mother found out you sneak in the house while she was asleep last night. That and the fact that you scratched "Sam wuz here" IN MY DOOR. No worries though, I'm just grounded for THREE WEEKS. That means that I won't be able to buy you any smoothies or fat cakes for a while, maybe that will teach you a well needed lesson.

Secondly... well there isn't a second reason I'm writing this letter. I guess I'm kind of bored and I want to talk to you, but guess what? My phone was taken away. Another great perk to being grounded. Thanks. Even though I'm writing to you, doesn't mean I'm not mad at you. I am extremely displeased with you.

There's not much to do when you're only allowed to leave your room to go to school and various mommy and me classes. I don't even know why I just wrote that. Now when you read this, you are going to have a hundred more ways to tease me. Let's make a deal. I won't be mad at you for getting me grounded, if you agree to never mention that again. Please?

I was looking through the comments on last week's web cast, and I think that our viewers would like us to do another segment of Tech Time with Freddie. Well... they didn't say that exactly, but I could tell they were thinking it. See, I can tell these things because I am intelligent. You would be to if you would just pay attention in class and stop passing me notes. Seriously, I can't pay attention when you are throwing notes at the back of my skull every minute. So stop.

Oh and why haven't you accepted my request to be in a relationship on Facebook? I understand you are very lazy, but come on Samantha; you just have to click the mouse. I never thought you were THAT lazy. Sometimes I wonder why I even... you know what? I just realized that it would be such a better idea not to finish that sentence. This brings me to another point I would like to bring up.

I fear for my life sixty five percent of the time I am with you. The other part of the time, I'm safe because we are either with Carly, you're stuffing your mouth, or you're busy using your mouth for... other purposes, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I think that it would be in everybody's best interest if you cut it down to around forty percent of fearing my life, it would be very greatly appreciated. You owe me, anyway.

Did you know that only twenty percent of Americans have passports? (I do. Remember Japan?)

Did you know that when kittens are born they all have blue eyes? (Just like yours.)

Did you know that Odontophobia is the fear of teeth? (I had that for a week after you bit me.)

Did you know that according to suicide statistics, Monday is the most favored day for self destruction? (Depressing, right?)

Did you know that the most money paid for a cow in an auction was 1.3 million dollars? (I bet you would pay more though.)

Did you know that ninety eight percent of people will reply with "you're welcome" if you say "Thank you"? (How is it, that out of all the girls in the world, I got stuck with one of the other two percent?)

Did you know that elephants are the only mammals that can't jump? (Besides you when you're lazy.)

Did you know that women are thirty seven percent more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men? (You should consider seeing one.)

Did you know that you burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV? (I can't decide if that's good or bad, seeing as you do both equal amounts of time.)

Did you know the word "nerd" was first used by Dr. Seuss in "If I ran a Zoo?"? (Frednerd? From Dr. Seuss?)

Did you know that elephants are the only mammal with four knees? (No comment.)

Those are all true facts that make it obvious how bored I am.

Another fact: You are the prettiest girl ever. I bet if you were here you would blush, tell me to shut up, and then kiss me. Actually, no. I don't bet, I know for a fact that you would do that. That's because I know you. No matter how much you try to deny it, I know you. You know what else I know? This letter has turned mushy fast, so I will stop now, because if I don't it will just bring me pain and suffering in the future. And no matter how much you like to think so, I do not like to be tortured.

OH MY GOSH! I just remembered something! Samantha Puckett, I am going to kill you. I was in gym, so I changed to my gym shorts and stuff only to have all the boys start laughing. I was completely confused as to what was going on and had to go the whole class without knowing what they were laughing at. Well, when we got back to the locker room and I was folding up my shorts, I noticed something purple that caught my eye. What in the world would possess you to sew big purple letters saying "Sam's Boy toy" on my rear! Since when do you even sew! Seriously, never ever do anything like that ever again! I just want you to know that I will be planning my revenge later tonight. Revenge will be sweet and the plan will be perfect. It might take time, but hey! I'm grounded, remember?

Anyway, I should stop writing now and start planning 'Freddie Benson's 8 Step Plan to Get Revenge on His Psycho Girlfriend'.

Love,

Freddie a.k.a

Your "boy toy"

Dear Freddork,

Calm your freakin' chizz! Maybe you should buy more food next time if you don't want to get caught. And you mother needs to get over herself if she's getting worked up about it. Oh, and try finding your wallet. Can't find it? That's right, I stole it, so yes you will still be buying me smoothies and food while your grounded.

The little deal about me not teasing you? Yeah right, like that would ever happen! That would be like you and my sister dating. Excuse me while I go barf. By the way, no one has ever or will ever want you to do "Tech time with Freddie" ever. Not in a million years so get over your self.

Despite popular belief, I am smart, just not the same type of smart. I am what you would call street smart and you are what you would call book smart. You can pass tests without studying, but I can pick a lock in under ten seconds. If you ask me, my skills are way more useful than yours, Fredmunch, so don't tell me to pay attention in class. I can do whatever I want to, and if that includes throwing rolled up papers containing messages at the back of your head, than I will and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

Now, the reason I have not accepted your relationship request is simple. I don't want to be your girlfriend, so stop asking. I love you, sure, but that doesn't mean I have to be you girlfriend. And if anyone were to be the girlfriend in this relationship, it would be you, Fredgirl. Not me, so don't send me another request, or I will break your thumbs.

This whole business about "fearing your life" sixty five percent of the time were together is crap. Don't be mad at me that you are to much of a girl to be able to beat me up, which is another reason you can be the girlfriend.

To all your nubby facts:

Of course I remember, I was there.

Wow, thank you. I never realized my eyes were blue. What would I do without you?

I didn't mean to bite you. I was trying to bite the sandwich in your hands. It's not my fault you were dumb and moved it at the last minute.

Duh. Everyone hate Mondays, it's the start of the dreaded school week.

Since when did I have that type of money to even buy a cow?

For me to say "your welcome" requires me to do something that would require a "thank you". That rarely happens.

I'm truly sorry if I am not making you happy by not jumping…

You should consider shutting your mouth before I shut it for you.

It's a good thing, I thought you were supposed to be smart.

Dr. Seuss and Boogie Bear are pretty much the only books I read.

Elephants are just that cool.

Momma knows that she's the prettiest thing in the world, no need to tell her that. She also knows that if she were there, she would've punched you in the face for being stupid and telling her information that is already known.

Oh my god! Didn't you just love those shorts! I took a sewing class just to do it! You better like them. I spent a lot of time making them for you and the last thing I want to do is disappoint you.

I'm looking forward to the weak attempt you call revenge. Bring it.

From,

Sam

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