A/N: This idea was born out of an interview of Daren Criss in which he called Chris Colfer a "magical wood nymph," which I thought was just the cutest thing ever. That said, this story is Alternate Universe, but please stick with it to the end. You'll be glad you did. Besides, I'm pretty sure it's a fun ride along the way!

Summary: An AU fairy tale/parody starring the Glee club. Lady Rachel has been kidnapped and Puck gets dragged along in the quest to rescue her, finding himself tied to an interesting companion along the way. Rated T for language and boy/boy kissing.

Puck's Dry-ad Spell

Chapter 1 – A Cowboy is a Brave Knight

"Dudes," the young squire said, shifting his pack on his shoulder, "how come I gotta be the one walking? I should just punch one of you and take your damn horse."

"Chillax, Noah," one of the knights replied, standing up a little higher in the stirrups held aloft by his mighty white steed. "We have to be almost there, right?"

"I hate you Finneous," the squire replied. "Don't even know why I agreed to be your freaking squire side-kick. Man, you knock over one treasure carriage and all of a sudden it's prison and then it's 'Do this, Puck!' 'Do that, Puck!' I'm a freaking human being, you know."

The second knight, sturdily astride his shiny black mount, turned back and smiled at Puck with that shit-eating grin of his. "Your apprenticeship is only for six more weeks, Noah. Then you can be a good guy knight, like yours truly and handsome young Finn. What do you think, Finn? Wouldn't Noah look fabulous in the tunic of Dalton?"

"I don't know, Sir Blaine," Finn replied, scratching his head through the opening in his helmet and trying to see over the next rise. "Right now, I'm more worried about finding Lady Rachel."

"I don't know what you see in that woman," Blaine sighed, "but I agree that our duty as knights states that we must rescue her from her captors."

"See?" Puck added, short of breath from trudging up the hillside behind the horses and trying not to step in any of their shit. "I'm not the only one who thinks Rachel sucks."

"Blaine thinks all women suck," Finn replied absently, still ignoring Puck for the most part. Was it Puck's fault that Finn's previous romantic interest, Princess Quinn, had crawled into Puck's bunk by mistake one night? The moron had been punishing him for it ever since – making Puck carry the heavy swords, not buying Puck a horse, making Puck scrub the shit out of his boot treads, making Puck be the one to freeze to death furthest away from the fire at night. If the guy wasn't his liege, Puck was pretty sure he would have kicked Finn's ass long before they'd come to this point. Not that Puck was all that big on authority, but still. Finn was a good guy and Puck sure as hell didn't want to be the bad guy.

"Oh, true," Blaine replied to Finn's remark about his preferences, winking back at Puck. "Very true."

Jesus Christ, did he have to do that? Puck got drunk one time (one time!) and accidentally made out with Sir Blaine. Everyone knew what happened at Summer Solstice was supposed to stay at Summer Solstice, didn't they? Ugh.

"Prince Sam said that the hermit's house would be around here, guys," Finn said, exasperation evident in his voice. "He's the only one who knows how to get to Sir Karofsky's secret castle."

"I don't even know why he took Rachel," Blaine sighed, "but if she's important to you, man, we'll find her."

"She's my life!" Finn replied with such gusto that Puck had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing. "I love her so much, you guys. We have to find her."

Knowing Finn wouldn't be able to focus until he got his pea-brain off worrying about his beloved, Puck insisted, "We will, dude. Don't worry about it."

"But what if my love is lost forever?" Finn asked, stopping his horse and sliding out of the saddle to crouch on the ground and cry. Man, what a pussy. Puck would make such a better knight than either of these wimps. Just six more weeks of this crap and he was golden. All the maidens in the land would swoon over his kingdom's colors and his impressive strength. His bed would never be empty again.

Then, a high voice flitted out from between the trees, at once calming and grating in an uneasy mixture that stirred something in Puck's stomach. "Settle down, Cowboy. You'll find your lady love."

"Who goes there?" Finn cried out, standing up and pulling his sword halfway from its scabbard. "And what's a cowboy? I mean, I know what a cow is and I know what a boy is … Wait! Is a cowboy some sort of tiny Minotaur?"

As Finneous spouted off his dumb-ass mouth, a lithe figure turned its way from around one of the trees lining the path. Puck couldn't tell if the figure was male or female, but it had a playful smirk; round, red cheeks on pale, green-tinted skin; a tunic made out of leaves that matched its hat; and wide, blue eyes. Yeah, okay. Puck would tap that.

"No, my friend," the creature replied with a giggle. "A cowboy is a brave knight," it stepped closer to Finn, sashaying its hips as it walked, and set a light hand on Finn's sword arm, "just like fantastic you!"

For the love of …! The creature was flirting with Finn and the dumbass didn't know what the fuck was going on. Puck would just have to step in, wouldn't he? He opened his mouth to order the wood nymph or whatever to shut it and tell them where the hermit lived, but Sir Blaine cut him off, the jackass.

"Oh my god!" Blaine cried out, jumping off his horse. "I love your hat! Are those oak leaves, I see?"

The creature blushed a little more and turned to Blaine, his hand leaving Finn's arm and going up to readjust the hat, "They are! How could you tell, my good sir knight?"

"Oh, I read Medieval Vogue every month! It said oak leaves were in this season, for dryads, of course. I mean, you wouldn't see a squire like Noah in something like that, but I love it on you!"

"You're so sweet!" the creature replied, looking completely enamored with Sir Blaine, just like everyone that had ever lived.

With a sigh, Puck cut off Blaine's response and asked, "Who are you, dude?"

"My name is," the dryad said, fluttering its eyelashes as it turned to face Puck, "Kurt Elizabeth. But you can just call me Kurt." Kurt ran the tips of his fingers down the side of Puck's bicep, which made him shiver a little, but he covered it up with badassness.

"Awesome," Puck replied, more confused than ever what this wood nymph kept under (his?) tunic. "I'm Puck, or Noah, I guess. These punks are Sir Finn and Sir Blaine. Can you help us find Arthur the Hermit? He's kinda the guy we're looking for."

"Yeah," Finn broke in, pushing Puck aside because of course, he had to look like the leader. Fucking dill hole. "Could you find it in your heart, gentle Kurt, to help us?"

Throwing a sardonic look at Puck, Kurt held his head high as he asked Finn, "You're used to being the big man of the castle, aren't you, sweetie?" When Finn couldn't respond, Kurt chuckled again and stepped around him to take Puck's arm. "What about you, Puck?" Kurt's lips popped on his name in a way that made the squire shiver again. "Not in charge of much, are we?"

"Not recently," Puck replied, wondering whether or not he should be letting Kurt lead him into the forest like this. "Where are we goin', anyway?"

"Oh," Kurt chuckled, squeezing Puck's arm and looking back to make sure the knights were following them. "Artie's a good friend of mine. I'll take you to see him. For a price."

"Crap, I knew it!" Finn said from behind them. "One of us is going to have to lay down his life so that we may rescue the princess! I nominate Noah!"

"Oh, thanks a lot, Finn!" Puck cried back.

Blaine leapt around in front of Puck and Kurt, a friendly smile on his face and his hands outstretched in friendship. "Now, now. Let's hear what the price is before we sacrifice our squire, Sir Finn."

"Yeah, let's," Puck sneered.

Letting Puck go and dashing to climb a rock just to the side of the pathway, Kurt stood above the three men and declared, "As my prize, I will claim one kiss."

"I'll do it!" Blaine offered, stepping forward eagerly.

Magnanimous smile in place as Kurt crouched down on the rock to put himself on eye level, the dryad chuckled. "You would offer me a kiss, Sir? Don't you know it's dangerous to go around kissing magical creatures?"

Smiling, Blaine shrugged and turned his face up toward Kurt, whispering, "It's just a kiss."

Puck gagged audibly because Blaine was being such a romantic douche, which made Finn snigger beside him. Kurt chuckled as well, pulling back before Blaine could kiss him. "Unfortunately, my kiss has been cursed. If it turns out you're not my true love, you would fall into a nightmare-ridden sleep for a hundred years."

"Dude!" Puck cried out. "That totally sucks! You can't even make out, like, just for fun or whatever?"

Kurt gave Puck a harsh look that said he was being an idiot before turning back to Blaine and continuing softly, "You see, my first kiss was stolen by that oaf, Sir Karofsky. My magic got all fucked up with the shock of it and morphed into a curse. I can't tell you how many perfectly good knights I've incapacitated, looking for the right one…"

"We were always going to have to sacrifice someone," Blaine whispered confidently, one hand drifting up to brush Kurt's cheek like the knight was in a damn trance. Hey, who knows? Maybe the dude was. Nymphs always had a way of getting under your skin.

Finn snapped his fingers excitedly and shouted, "Hey! We're going after Karofsky, which totally puts you and us on the same side! If we kill him would that break your curse?" Blaine's fascination broke at Finn's cry and he stepped away, practically hiding behind his taller fellows, despite the soft way he was still looking at the dryad.

Kurt shrugged in a non-committal way, at which Puck scoffed. What good was this dude? They should just go back to the trail and the horses and find their own way. He opened his mouth to say so, but was cut off again, damn it!

"Boy!" a strong voice called from the same shadows that had birthed Kurt into sight. "What are you doing to these fine male specimens? Can't you see the freakishly tall knight is one of King William's men? Don't even think about kissing them!"

With a smile, Kurt hopped down from the rock and held out his arm for the nature spirit that stepped into the light of the clearing. Her curves were ample and definitely female, her smile beautiful, her skin and hair as dark as night, and her clothes made out of some sort of mist that Puck could almost see through. He'd heard there were water nymphs in this kingdom, but Puck hadn't seen one, much less a wood nymph as well, in so very long. What a fucked-up day…

"Mercedes, my lovely," Kurt replied, pecking her cheek, which looked really soft and totally kissable, "would I miss the significance of their tunic colors? This is me we're talking about here."

Unable to keep his mouth shut any longer in the face of the beauty that lay before him, Puck declared, "Damn, girl! You've got more curves than a Nissan ad!"

"Really?" Mercedes asked, raising one eyebrow at him in disappointment. "That's what you're going with? Dude, cars haven't even been invented yet."

"Then, what's with the name, Mercedes?" Puck shot back, crossing his arms over his chest. With that self-confident attitude the naiad had, no way he was breaking off a piece of that action anytime soon.

"Mercedes is a family name."

"Uh-huh, and the Pope's my uncle."

"But," Finn put in, shaking his head, "Noah, I know all your uncles. Since when are-?"

"Leave it be, man," Blaine insisted, patting Finn's shoulder, which was a little difficult for him to reach. "Leave it be."

"So," Mercedes spoke up, her voice booming through the forest, "you seek the hermit?"

"Arthur, yeah," Finn told her with his stupid-ass, makes-everyone-melt friendly smile. "Only he has the knowledge we need to find Sir Karofsky and free my Lady Rachel."

"That loud-mouthed diva?" Mercedes asked in disbelief, sharing a look with Kurt. "Why the hell would you want her back?"

Confused, Finn shot Puck and Blaine a questioning glance before turning back and declaring in his best knight's voice, "Because I love her!"

"Whatever, dude. It's your life," Mercedes shrugged.

Kurt cleared his throat and said, "I think it's romantic. I wish my true love would search high and low for me."

"Yeah, great," Puck sneered, never one to believe in that true love shit. "Can we go see the hermit now? We'll pay some other price, but a kiss is out, since I'm not gonna be the one locked up in a prison of nightmares for-fucking-ever."

The naiad smiled and approached Puck, looking up at him coyly. Great, she was going to demand a cursed kiss as well. Puck was screwed. "Well," she said, "I could assist you fine gentlemen for a much lower price."

"What d'you want?" Puck asked impatiently, taking his arm from her grasp.

"I am awfully hungry..." Mercedes sighed and Puck chuckled. Of course she was hungry, as big as she was. She could probably eat a whole sheep in one sitting if she put her mind to it. Oh, crap! She was going to eat him, wasn't she? "Do you have any potater tots?"

"Potater tots?" Finn asked, confused. "Why would we-?"

"Oh!" Blaine cried, leaning over to dig around in a pocket on the leg of his breeches. "I have some! Crazy, right? I put them in my pocket during lunch, for a mid-afternoon snack!" Blaine grabbed a handful of tots from his pocket and picked away a little lint before handing them to Mercedes with a smile, "We're lucky they didn't get squished yet! There you go, milady."

Mercedes gave the douche a giant, impressed smile and held out both hands to receive the treat. She shoved one tot in her mouth and began to chew before taking a few steps and calling back, "Follow me, boys."

"Oh my god," Kurt whispered with a roll of his eyes, and Puck figured he was probably the only one who could hear the nymph. "You're too easy, Mercedes. Too freaking easy."

Puck hefted his bag on his shoulder and let the knights go ahead after Mercedes before following them sullenly. Only after a few minutes did he realize that the dryad walked beside him. "You okay, dude?" Puck asked, much more comfortable with the term since Mercedes started using all male pronouns while talking to her friend.

"Just ... lonely," Kurt smiled shyly, shrugging one shoulder as he walked. "I'm starting to think I'll never find my true love."

Clearing his throat, Puck awkwardly patted Kurt's shoulder and said, "Maybe Finn's right and once we kill Karofsky, you won't be cursed anymore. You could totally bone anyone you wanted."

"How elegantly stated," Kurt chuckled, looking Puck up and down. "I could do that right now, you know. Just, no kissing."

Puck laughed. He liked the way this dryad thought. "So," he wondered, "you gonna come with us to defeat Karofsky? I know if I were you, I'd want to see that fucker bleed with my own two eyes."

"Yeah," Kurt nodded, a devilish smile on his lips. "Yeah, I think I will."

"Just don't mind-fuck my bosses. Blaine's the only one of 'em that can think and Finn's the only one who can fight. I'd be up a creek if you pulled your Jedi mind tricks and mesmerized either of them for good."

"Wrong mythology," Kurt said, rolling his eyes. "Seriously, Puck! Medieval Europe. What's so difficult about sticking to one canon?"

Puck ignored Kurt, speeding up to walk a few paces ahead and muttering, "I wasn't always a squire, you know." Sometimes it was easier for Puck to deal with his shit-tacular life if he could pull himself out of the reality of it for awhile. "You don't know me. No one does."

"I guess not," Kurt muttered from behind him before prancing up to take the lead alongside his watery friend.

If Puck stopped lying to himself, maybe he would have admitted that he missed the woods. He missed the green-dappled days and the pitch-black nights. He missed running through the trees without having to carry Finneous Hudson's dirty breeches. He missed the nymphs. Oh, the nymphs! Many of them were older than time itself, but they certainly knew how to satisfy, given a little of the romance they never got from their passerby victims.

Fuck. His. Life.

Before long, a clearing appeared before them, a stumpy thatch-roofed cottage in the middle, cheery smoke pouring from the chimney. "There he is, dudes," Mercedes pointed, finishing off her last tot. "I got shit to do. You coming, Kurt?"

"No," the dryad said, giving Puck another one of those shy smiles. Damn it. The nymph was going to cling to him now, wasn't he? Great. Just … great. "I'm going to accompany these fine fellows in the hopes that they will be victorious over my tormentor."

"Whatever," Mercedes shrugged, leaning in to kiss Kurt on the cheek. "Let me know when you're back in the forest, boo. We'll go shopping."

"It's a date," Kurt smiled, returning his friend's cheek-kiss and waving goodbye as she left, misty dress twirling around her.

Not wanting to dwell on the sad look Kurt was giving his retreating friend's figure, Puck shoved Finn toward the cottage, saying, "Go knock, dude."

"This hermit's not dangerous, right?" Finn asked as he approached the door, fist upraised. "Blaine?"

The other knight pulled down his face mask and insisted, "No, of course not. He's supposed to be a lovely fellow."

Nodding a few times to himself like he was building up his courage, Finn took a deep breath and stepped up to the door, knocking on it three times.

"Who that be?" a voice cried from inside, and Puck almost sniggered at the casual question.

"Um…" Finn called, looking back to his companions for reassurance. "I'm Sir Finneous Hudson of Kinley, along with my squire, Noah Puckerman. Sir Blaine of Dalton is here, too."

"And Kurt!" the dryad called out in his high voice. "Hey, Artie!"

The door opened right away, letting the travelers into the warm, dark cottage. "Hey, c'mon in, dudes!" the hermit insisted from where he sat behind the door. His chair was odd in that it had small wagon wheels attached to it, and he wanted to know what was wrong with the dude's legs but Puck thought he should be at least a little polite to this guy and keep his mouth shut or suffer the wrath of Finn's cold shoulder. Man, that guy could hold a grudge!

"Kurt, my homie!" Artie cried as the dryad followed Puck and the knights into the cottage and closed the door behind them. "What's up?"

Bumping his fist against Artie's in a gesture of friendship, Kurt laughed and said, "Not much. Ran into these young men in the forest while they were looking for you."

"Uh-huh," Artie said, looking over the three travelers. "And you brought them here free of charge?"

Kurt rolled his eyes and dropped down onto the bench beside Artie's chair. "No. Mercedes did, though. Or close enough."

Artie turned to Puck and his friends, pointing one thumb over his shoulder at Kurt and shrugging, "Nymphs, huh? Always looking out for themselves first. Never want to give a dude a break and help him out for the pure humanitarian joy of it." Puck remembered that about nymphs really well. Unless you could sex them up or give them something really choice, they tended to either ignore you or actively make your life miserable. And they thought it was all in good fun.

"Speaking of which," Kurt smiled. "You've got something new for me?"

"Over there," Artie pointed, rolling his eyes at Puck as Kurt hopped from his seat and crossed the room to a table sitting under a small window.

"They're perfect!" Kurt cried, holding up what appeared to be a collection of several varieties of exotic bird feathers, which Sir Blaine cooed over as well. "My winter wardrobe is going to be the envy of the entire forest."

"Eh?" Artie gestured, holding out his hand. "What about my end of the deal?

Kurt carefully set down the feathers and fished a pouch from under his tunic, which was secured by a leather strap around his neck. "Here you go, lover-boy," Kurt smirked sarcastically as he took a ring from the pouch and dropped it into Artie's hand. "Just say the word and you'll be in contact with Tina. I have to warn you, though – she's been hanging around Woodsman Mike a lot lately."

"What?" Artie asked. "But, why?"

"Have you seen that boy's abs?" Kurt groaned, fanning himself a little bit. "It's not a big stretch of the imagination."

"But-!"

"Anyway," Puck broke in, not caring what the hell they were talking about. "What about our quest?"

Finn perked up at the word and said, "Yes! We're trying to find Sir Karofsky's secret lair, where he's holding my beloved Lady Rachel captive!"

"We're going to rescue her," Blaine added easily, leaning back against one of Artie's many work tables. "But first, we need to find her."

"And don't even think about lying to us," Puck insisted, giving Artie his best badass face. "If we get there and find out that, 'Oops! The princess is in another castle,' I'm going to come back here and break your face. Got it?"

Quivering a little as Finn pulled Puck back, Artie replied, "I don't respond well to threats. Now, I know how you can find Lady Rachel, but could I ask a favor in return?"

"What is it?" Finn asked good-naturedly, still holding Puck back with a strong hand on his chest. Douche.

Artie looked down at his hands in his lap and asked quietly, "Take me with you? I've been stuck in this valley for so many years, and if Tina's dating Mike, there's nothing left for me here. I want to see more of the world than this clearing. I don't want to be a hermit anymore."

"Sure-!" Finn started to say, but Blaine cut him off, whispering in Finn's ear. Frowning, Finn said, "It can't be that hard, and if it gets us Rachel back, I don't care. I'll carry him on my own back if I need to."

"Fuck," Puck sighed, falling back onto the warm stonework beside the fireplace and resting his head in his hands, propped up on his knees.

"What's wrong?" Kurt asked, sitting down beside him as the two knights agreed to Artie's plan and started talking strategy with him.

Puck turned to look at the nymph in the firelight, noticing again how pretty his eyes were. Clearing his throat as he tried to forget that thought, Puck replied, "I just know I'm going to be the one carrying the cripple. Finn never thinks before he makes decisions that fuck up my situation. "

"Why don't you leave him?" Kurt asked, one hand teasing Puck's arm again. Puck knew it wasn't really a conscious move and that nymphs were just naturally touchy-feely, but that didn't stop the heat trickling across his body.

"Can't," Puck sighed. "I've got just six more weeks being his servant and then I'm a free man. I'll be promoted to knight and get my own lackey to order around. I'm not giving that up to what? Run away into the woods and be a savage for the rest of my life?"

"It's not such a bad life," the dryad insisted, sounding a little hurt. "I mean, I like it."

"Sorry," Puck mumbled, wondering whether or not he should get up and leave Kurt alone by the fire.

Before he made his decision, though, Kurt looked at him sideways and asked, "Puck, huh? That name's pretty famous around here. Legend says he was kind of an ass, too. There's no way you-"

"No," Puck lied with what he hoped was a convincing laugh. "Look at me, dude. I'm completely human. Puck's just short for Puckerman, that's all."

"Alright," Kurt agreed with a disbelieving shrug. "Whatever you say."

Don't forget to review! And yes, you did see references to Napoleon Dynamite and Mario Brothers in there, if you were wondering...