Warning: This story is the result of the boredom and writers block of an EvilSpoofAuthor, combined with the thoughts of insane people, a handful of painkillers, and a DVD set of the Hornblower series.

Warning: Be afraid...Be VERY afraid... (Or just be prepared to snot your drink all over your keyboard)

Warning: In fact, don't drink while reading.

Warning: In fact, don't eat either. You could choke to death.

Warning: In other news, the sky is falling, and Radioactive Mutant Hummingbirds are attacking "That Planet With the Stupid Name."

Warning: Also this story contains multiple character deaths and resurrections. (pause) That is this story contains multiple deaths of one person...who nobody really likes or cares about anyway, so you won't even have to miss him/it.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything other than the DVD set of the Hornblower movie series from A&E or I guess BBC. Whichever. The characters are not mine and will be returned in working order. Author claims no legal responsibility for insanity gained by the characters while working for her.

Warning: You have been warned. eh...repeatedly.

The EvilSpoofAuthors proudly present...

"Hornblower"...as we wanted to see it... (evil laughter)

Volume One: "The Very Unfair and Messed up Duel" Chapter One

Fun Fact: This story is written in a compromise between our usual script format and our other writing style. Kind if present-tense, I guess. Although usually we're a ways past tense. We live in a house now. [thank you Becca for exposing us to the Marx's...anyhow, it's so we can post it here]

Prelude: (those words at the beginning of the movie-believe it or not, I was really good about messing those up too)

Fun Fact: For our regular fans, if you've not seen the movie, it's actually a bit more serious than this.

July...er...no too cold...January 19...er...16...er (checks) 1793.

The British Fleet lies at anchor -although WHY they'd be lying on an anchor, we have no clue- at Spit-Head, which got its name when they had a Hocking Lugies For Distance Contest in the bathroom-

Anyhow-Across the Channel, which, if you didn't change it, would be A&E, a revolution in France is sweeping away the old order. Because after he wrote down "Frog's Legs", we changed it to pizza and threw the old order on the floor for the janitor to sweep up.

This concludes the prelude. On with the messed up story.
_

We open our movie with a little rowboat headed out to the ship in the rain. It is being rowed by two women, and a VERY green faced Harold Lowe...oops, wrong movie...Horatio Hornblower sits with his arms resting on his sea-chest, as he watches his impending doom draw ever closer.

Woman Number One, whom we'll call Lucy Sparrow, makes a face as Horatio throws up half his breakfast and two vomit pills over the side.

Woman Number Two, whom we'll call Elizabeth Romano, gives a smirk, and exchanges an evil look with Lucy.

Hornblower, who is not paying attention, as he is trying desperately to keep down the rest of his breakfast, grips his sea chest tighter and wishes he'd never taken those vomit pills he was offered at the docks, because obviously they were the reverse kind of vomit pills.

Meanwhile, aboard the floating dump known as the Justinian, Midshipman Archie Kennedy is watching the boat approach.

"Shore boat ahoy!" He shouts, grumbling under his breath at not being allowed to have an umbrella.

Lucy turns to look. "Aye aye!" She responds, silently thanking God the danger of being puked on is almost past.

Hornblower looks up, trying to see Archie, but his contacts are continuously fogging up, due to the weather.

Archie looks down at Horatio as the newbie stands in the rowboat, holding onto his precious sea chest. As the soggy green faced newbie looks up, Archie leans over, holding onto a rope. "Jump! You'll be alright!"

Horatio, not paying attention to the evil grins on the women's faces, jumps for the ladder...at about the same time the boat jerks, causing him to fall into the water.

"Whoops." Elizabeth remarks apologetically. "Our bad."

Hornblower grumbles as he climbs the ladder and glares at Archie, who helps him stand up on the deck.

"Well, it seemed close enough." Archie defends, looking innocent. "Anyhow, welcome to purgatory. May God have mercy on your soul during your stay here."

"What a dump." Horatio mutters as he looks around. (He was thinking it! We all know it.)

Off to the side, Eccleston and Chadd are talking and laughing. They are standing under two girly colored umbrellas. One is pink with light pink hearts on it and the other is pastel green with ruffles on the sides.

"Wait a sec! Hold it!" The Director cuts in. "What's with the umbrellas?

"Like we want pneumonia?" Chadd responds, pointedly. "We borrowed them from Earl and Grady. They said it was okay!"

"Get rid of 'em! They belong on the set of "Tremors 2!" The Director commands.

The Lieutenants grumble, but comply and the umbrellas are taken away.

"Carry on." The Director orders.

Horatio is still standing with Archie and looking VERY green. Archie eyes him before moving farther away, obviously not wanting to get barfed on.

"Ehhh, over here." Archie stammers, motioning to the two Leftennants, who are now grumbling. "Mr. Eccleston, sir."

The two Leftennants look up, seeming rather content that Hornblower is wetter than they are.

"Come aboard, sir." Horatio manages, still looking queasy.

Eccleston steps back. "I'm already aboard. In fact, we're both VERY bored."

Archie nods. "I was too, sir, but watching him fall into the water was hysterical. Shame you missed it."

Hornblower glares.

"Your name?" Eccleston asks, trying to prevent his Midshipman from being strangled by the newbie.

"Horatio Hornblower, sir. M-m-midshipman." He stutters, still trying to keep down the rest of his breakfast.

Eccleston nods. "Eccleston. Fist Leftennant." He motions to Chadd. "Chadd, Leftennant of the Watch."

Hornblower nods to both of them.

Eccleston looks him over. "Did you bring your dunnage aboard with you?"

"M-my sea chest is c-coming aboard forward, sir." Hornblower replies.

From "Forward", there is a loud splash.

"Oops!" Elizabeth calls out. "Sorry about that!"

There is a moment of silence between the Officers before Archie quietly speaks up. "You didn't tip them, did you?"

"I was supposed to?" Horatio asks.

Eccleston pats him on the shoulder. "Happens all the time." He assures him. "Live and learn. I'll see that it's fished out and sent below...which is where you should go as well. Get out of those wet clothes."

"Yes sir." Hornblower answers, before he catches himself. "I mean, aye aye sir." He makes a sloppy salute.

Beside Eccleston, Chadd smirks and shakes his head, not looking at Horatio.

"Mr. Kennedy." Eccleston speaks up.

Archie stops his mocking impersonations of Horatio, and stands at attention. "Sir!"

"Take Mr. Hornblower to the Midshipman's berth." Eccleston orders.

"Aye aye sir." Archie answers, giving a proper salute, before leading Hornblower down a VERY steep set of stairs.

Down below, someone is playing the fiddle while two crewmen resembling Horatio and Archie dance on a table top, while loads of girls stick money in their pants . . . and the other crewmen stand pouting nearby because they didn't think of wearing tight ripped jeans.

"Mind your step." Archie calls back, leading Hornblower around a corner to another steep staircase, past the gun-deck, where a load of crew members and women alike are partying on the cannons. "Difficult to say who smells worse." Archie continues. "The men or the beasts in the mangers forward...in fact, it's difficult to even tell the difference these days."

Horatio is still trying to keep his breakfast down and getting greener by the minute.

"One gets used to it." Archie mutters, continuing.

Horatio makes an exaggerated "gag" face behind Archie's back, and a "crazy" motion pointing at Archie, as he goes down the next staircase.

Before Archie makes it to the bottom, Horatio's foot slips and he falls down the stairs, smacking into Archie landing both of them in a heap at the base of the stairs on the deck floor.

Styles, Matthews, and Oldroyd stand, surrounded by whores, and laughing.

"There lays His Majesty's latest bad bargain." Styles quips, offering them his hands to help them up.

Archie pushes Horatio off, and quickly checks to make sure there's no barf on him, before accepting Styles hand, and they both help up Hornblower.

"Belay that, Styles!" Archie orders, glaring. "Or I'll show everyone that picture of you eating breakfast in your underwear with your clothes halfway off!" (Yes there is one, it's hysterical)

Styles stares. "You wouldn', Sir."

Archie gives him an insane, maniacal look.

"Eh, righ' then...aye aye, sir." Styles murmurs backing away.

Horatio hits his head on a low ceiling beam.

Archie looks back, apologetically. "Watch your head."

Horatio rolls his eyes and glares as the crewmen laugh again.

Archie pulls him around the corner before he can strangle anyone and begins talking while Horatio pays no attention whatsoever as he is STILL trying not to be sick.

"Anyhow, it'll get better when we get off this smelly stink hole and transfer to a new ship. Our only hope at present-DUCK!" Archie shouts back, pulling Horatio under another low beam.

Horatio is STILL not listening.

"Our only hope at present is that the Frenchies murder their King and start a war with us. I personally just said that if one of us went in and killed him, that would just start the war faster, but my father just said it would be a waste of time, because they would probably just do it themselves anyway.

"Either way, it starts a war and we all get promoted. Sure it sounds weird, but really we're not the only ones who've wanted to start a war just to keep us from fossilizing in boredom and dying of exposure to filthy disgusting drooling animals . . . and really the pigs and beasts in the mangers smell just as bad."

Archie finishes as they have finally reached the Midshipman's Berth, where, ironically, nobody is giving birth, despite the name...

End of Chapter One. There is more to come.