Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, nor do I own or am affiliated with How I Met Your Mother, its creators, its cast or any other such thing. I only own this story. This is not my sandbox, I'm just playing in it.

Warnings: Mentions of male/male relationships including nongraphic sex- age old standard- don't like, don't read.

A/N: I've only recently joined himym fandom and I'm a bit rusty in the ficcing department. As a result, I'm not sure that my characterization is all there. Constructive criticism, if you have it, is welcome, but please don't be rude about it.

This fic can also be found on my livejournal under the same username.

"God Barney, I just—I should have known. Or maybe it was that manipulative streak you have in you, but I can't believe I thought you'd change for th-this- THIS."

Ted was yelling. Lily could see his face turn red from where she was sitting in the closet, holding her breath. She wasn't sure what Barney was doing, but he was quieter than she expected and Lily wished he was standing where Ted was instead. It was killing her to not be able to see Barney's reaction, but she didn't have to wait for long to hear his voice, low, roiling with something dark underneath the outwardly calm tone.

"This what, Ted. This what? What is 'this'? Do you mean the 'this' that is the bed? Or maybe the 'this' that is us standing in my bedroom? Or do you mean the 'this' that is that we've been having sex on and off for the past few months? Is that what 'this' is? Us fucking?"

"Shut up, Barney! Just shut up, you're so full of shit. You aren't even denying that you've been screwing around behind my back! I don't know why I hang out with you. You're a pathological liar. What do you do when you go to your therapist, huh? Bend over the couch and pull your pants down—"

"Ted—"

"And beg for it? You're a slut—"

"Ted—"

"—Barney! We're through. We aren't doing this anymore. We're not bros anymore. We're not friends, not wingmen, for real this time. I never want to see your face again."

"Ted..."

There was a clatter-clink after Ted threw his key at Barney and a slam moments later as Ted stormed out. Lily let out the breath she'd been holding, daring to nudge the door open just a little more so she could check on Barney. He was staring at the floor, suit disheveled and tumbler of scotch held loosely in one hand. He was trembling, the ice in his drink clinking gently against the glass, and it didn't take long for the glass to slip out of his hand and crack against the floor, an ice cube sliding across the floor to where Lily was hiding.

Barney's eyes narrowed a fraction of a second later and he let out a strangled sound, features twisting as he breathed out the words he couldn't say before.

"...You wouldn't even believe me if I told you nothing happened... would you? Probably not. You never asked for anything more than sex, Ted, and I still gave you everything I had."

His face went red, and he walked out of the room calmer than Lily expected, her breath catching again as she heard the soft click of the bathroom door closing. Part of her brain told her she'd made a terrible mistake, that she ruined everything, and she struggled with herself as she hurried out of the closet in Barney's bedroom to dash to the door. Noise chased her flight from the apartment, a loud crack that made her want to run back and tear the bathroom door open, but she forced herself to keep going, straight home to where Marshall would be waiting and wondering what kept her so long coming home from work.

Lily's hands shook as she hailed a cab home, dread heavy in the pit of her stomach. She had to break them up, she told herself, she had to break Ted and Barney up. It wasn't healthy, what they were doing, sleeping with each other behind everyone's backs- it wasn't healthy for either of them and if this kept happening, neither of them would end up with her and Marshall on their front porch.

This was the right thing to do, she told herself, but then all she could think of was that dark tone lurking in Barney's voice and Ted's harsh words and how none of this was the same as making Ted break up with some girl who didn't fit in with their group.

Barney liked Ted. He loved Ted. He needed Ted.

On one level, Ted—Ted and everyone else really—were the sort of friends that Barney had never had before. They made him feel like an individual, almost like he could be himself, though most days he had a hard time knowing who 'himself' actually was and how to get to him through all those walls he put up. They made him feel like there might be someone out there who wanted him without being forced to cope with him, though this feeling came and went and only stayed on the best of days. The feeling that there might be someone who wanted to be friends with a man in his thirties that both never grew up and yet grew up too fast was too much for most people to handle on either extreme.

On this other, darker, deeper level that Barney hated to visit, he knew he needed Ted because Ted was what he thought he might have turned out to be if he'd grown up a little better, or been given a chance to grow up at all really. A dreamer, a guy who was loyal to his friends and who had loyalty from them and wasn't too afraid and broken to really trust. Barney clung to Ted because he was the past, present, and future Barney could never have and as long as he had Ted, Barney could feel like those possibilities—the dreams and the hope and the loyalty—were still available to him.

Barney craved Ted's almost paternal approval, a world of unfulfilled desires that Barney couldn't even begin to fathom. He needed the parts of Ted that complimented his own, even though Ted always seemed to function well enough on his own.

But abandoned, now there was a level that Barney loathed, a level of Barney made of nothing but loathing and all for himself. This level of himself was the insidious little voice that ran his failures and shortcomings without a pause. This was the level that told him that he didn't deserve love or anything good, and that even if he did, no one would want to give him love or good things anyways.

So when Ted first proposed this arrangement after a drunken encounter—that they would fuck casually, keep things simple and not tell the others—Barney jumped at this chance. He needed Ted's friendship, his approval, and love, and Barney honestly never thought he'd really get any of that after his initial screw up with and then long pursuit of Robin and lingering resentments thereafter. But then there it was on a silver platter and Barney couldn't help but jump at that opportunity.

It was just casual hooking up now and then when Ted wasn't in a relationship or he was in a serious dry spell, but something in Barney had him treating this deal like a solid relationship. He only slept with Ted. He only got piss drunk with Ted, do what Ted wanted to do. He would leave work at a moment's call and cut out massive chunks of time in his schedule to see Ted, to hook up if the other man wanted to hook up. It wasn't healthy, Barney knew. This wasn't a romance; it wasn't even a casual fling of a relationship. He wasn't stupid or in denial about the nature of this arrangement—goodness knew that he couldn't handle his anxieties with a committed relationship once he had it—but he couldn't help but pull out all the stops in hopes that he could finally get what he so secretly craved.

And now Ted was gone again, and over a pair of men's underwear that Barney had never seen before, and Barney couldn't help but doubt Ted for the first time in their long friendship.

Who was Ted to blow up over who Barney slept with? They weren't exclusive. They never had been, especially when Ted would call up Barney just because some new 'love of Ted's life' wasn't putting out.

Not for the first time, Barney felt like an old toy—so used. Easy to forget and ignore.

It was by accident that she found out that Ted and Barney were hooking up. It was game night- Ted has his newest girl over- and Lily had just gone to get them from the roof when she found them together. They were in the middle of getting it on, pants around their ankles and Barney's hand in his mouth to muffle the sounds coming out of his mouth as Ted went to town on his ass, and even though Barney was painfully quiet, Ted was not. It was then that was that Lily realized that this wasn't some one time thing. For one, her friends weren't even drunk, and Ted was saying dirty, dirty, things into Barney's ear.

It was disturbing to think that while Ted was hooking up with Barney on the roof, there was a sweet, shy girl sitting on the couch in Ted's apartment, probably wondering where he'd disappeared off to. It was disturbing to hear the words coming out of Ted's mouth, tone so possessive that Lily could hardly believe that this was the Ted she'd known since college. Oh, the attitude was the same—there was still pretentious, kind of douchey Ted—but she'd never heard him like this, except for well, whenever he told Barney off and if that's what she was hearing, there was something more than wrong with this picture.

It was Ted's stuttered orgasm that told Lily that she'd really stayed too long. Her breath caught as she hurried down the fire escape, and she scrambled to collect herself and keep this her—and their—secret. This wasn't the sort of thing she could just blurt out to Marshall and Robin. It was too personal, too dark a secret and it wasn't her place to say anything.

Someone was going to get hurt.

Someone was probably already hurting and Lily couldn't just let this happen. She would take care not to say anything, but this was something she had to look more into. Ted and Barney were her friends and she just couldn't let this continue.

Barney didn't show up at MacLaren's the next day. Marshall found it odd enough to remark on, "You know, Barney didn't show up at work today either. I went in for a conference call and his office was all dark and locked, and not in the way when he manages to get a hot secretary in there."

Ted scoffed. Lily looked guilty. Both were quiet.

Robin wasn't buying it, "Okay, you two know something." Her eyes focused on Lily, knowing it would be easier to get her best friend to spill, but Lily feigned innocence, and Ted simply shrugged, making up his own excuse.

"It's Barney. He'll turn up. Probably chased some girls at the airport again and got stuck at the airport in Oregon or whatever."

Marshall and Robin laughed, and Lily and Ted did too, but not really. Guilty, angry- respectively- and both of them just wanted to move on from this.

Lily couldn't. Ted seemed fine, but she saw how Barney was the day before and she needed to know that he was okay too—or at least okay enough to make some amount of show of being okay—so she broke out Manipulative Lily and let her scheme up ways to check on Barney as soon as possible.

Ted could. He pulled up the corners of his mouth a little more and laughed too loud. Smiled at the girl who'd been eying him from the back corner booth all night. He didn't think about how this was different from the last time he 'broke up' with Barney. He didn't think about the demands he made and who-cheated-on-who-and-if-it-was-actually-cheating. He did think about ways to avoid the subject of Barney entirely, but he only gave that a second before he nodded at his friends and got up to talk to back booth girl, smile easy and charming.

No one answered the door even when Lily called out in a sweet, simpering voice that she'd accidentally locked herself out of her apartment in only a bathing suit.

Marshall sighed and shrugged, "Sorry, Lilypad. Maybe he's not here. Maybe it's like Ted said. I mean, Barney's got into lots of crazy trouble before—"

"He's here, Marshall! I know he's here, and he's... he's hurt, Marshall."

She started to pound on the door, hoping Barney would decide to answer or that maybe his neighbors would help, the sound of mirrors breaking replaying in her head. Lily had all but dragged Marshall from MacLaren's to that tune after Ted went off on his own. Her knocks got more desperate as she thought about what sort of trouble Barney might have gotten himself into, but eventually Marshall pulled her back and held her, turning her around.

"What's going on, Lil? You know something, and we don't keep secrets." He was patient, but Lily knew he was dying to know and Lily couldn't resist that. She could't resist Marshall.

"Oh, Marshall... I think I messed up. I messed up real bad."

She told him how she caught Ted and Barney on the roof. How she snuck around and followed them to see how deep in this relationship was for them and how it was like Barney and Ted had switched personalities. How Barney was stupidly faithful and Ted had his girlfriends, all up to when she snuck into Barney's apartment and planted the fake evidence.

"I didn't want them to get hurt, but—Look, I don't know about Ted, but I think I hurt Barney real bad."

Marshall was less shocked than Lily expected, going to knock on Barney's door after only a second and nearly falling through when Barney finally answered. Lily felt her heart sink. It hurt to look at him. He seemed to have been in some sort of fight with himself—cuts and bruises poorly tended if at all—and his eyes were haunted, staring straight at Lily.

He'd been listening.

Lily opened her mouth to apologize. She wanted to get past this part quickly so she could help their friend, but he shook his head and stepped back to let them in. The apartment was not much better than the man, they see, expensive furniture broken or upset, a glimpse of Barney's bed overturned and room of suits in shambles.

Lily felt worse as they made their way in and Barney played the host, righting enough furniture to give them some place to sit before he sighed and drank scotch straight from the bottle.

"Don't worry about this. You were right."

The words were hoarse and hung in the air, but Barney seemed not to notice, "It's... unhealthy. I—this thing with Ted. It was unhealthy."

He was whispering now, trying to make it real to himself even as he explained to them, "Ted shouldn't define my life."

There was no arguing with his tone and Marshall didn't even try, moving instead to take the scotch away from Barney and tend to his wounds. To his credit, Barney didn't fight Marshall, but he wasn't helpful either, stubbornly unresponsive. Lily picked herself up to start cleaning up, heartbreak thrumming through her entire frame.

In the kitchen, where Lily felt the apartment was most absent of a feeling of home, were bottle after bottle of anti-anxiety and antidepressant pills, all of them emptied, little white pills filling the trash. Some had scattered to the floor between bits of broken glass and more spilled alcohol, and it made up Lily's mind.

"Barney." She called, "Barney, you're staying with us for a while. It's not good to be by you- to be in this apartment now."

Barney snorted, "Ted won't like that."

"Does that really matter?" Marshall frowned.

Barney was quiet, thinking over his answer before nodding his head, yes. It mattered a hell of a lot.

Robin knew something was going on. She never saw Barney and Ted at the same time anymore and hell, she hardly saw Barney, period. Lily said he'd been going to other bars, and Robin wanted to ask how the hell she knew that, but somehow, asking seemed taboo.

They didn't discuss this. They didn't discuss Barney, especially not with Ted, and it wasn't until Barney called her that she even had a chance to begin to understand.

He asked her to be his wingman for the night at random a couple of weeks after he stopped going to MacLaren's. They ended up at a gay bar near Lily and Marshall's apartment, but this time Barney didn't seem to care about trying to pick up girls with some ill-advised scheme. They simply sat in a corner and drank while Barney stared at the crowd distractedly.

He was hardly talking to her, and Robin got the distinct impression that Barney just didn't want to be alone, but as bad as she felt, Robin only lasted around ten minutes before being unable to stand the strangeness of the situation.

"Okay, what is going on with you? You're being super quiet and no one will talk about you when we're at MacLaren's. You aren't dying or something are you? And if you are, why the hell wouldn't you tell me?"

He didn't look at her. He didn't even seem to hear her, and he didn't respond for so long Robin wondered if she'd been tuned out again, but then this tired, defeated voice reached her and with a little twist of her stomach she realized that Barney was speaking.

"Didn't you hear? Ted dumped me."

The words were phrased like a joke, but Robin liked to think that she knew Barney better after dating him for so long. She tried to pick apart the context behind the statement but couldn't get past the face value of his words.

"He... dumped you?"

"Yup. Dumped. Our brohood is dissolved."

He sounded much more serious this time, tone darkening, and before Robin could pry further, a flirty, cocky guy sidled up to their table, all smiles and sympathy. He leaned over the booth next to Barney, practically speaking into his ear.

"Aww, your boy dumped you? Must be some loser, dropping a pretty little thing like you."

Robin scoffs, offended for Barney and expecting him to snap at the man—tell him off—but the sharp words never came. Barney let the man persuade him out onto the dance floor and introduce him to other people, let them talk, and touch, and flirt until he eventually left with one of them. A man who looked disturbingly like Ted with obviously impure intentions and the implications of what Barney had said sunk in hard.

Robin's dialing before she even realizes she has her phone in her hand and the second Lily answers, questions line up to burst out.

"Lily, how long were Ted and Barney together?"

Ted never meant to sleep with Barney a first time.

It was a stupid, drunk, accidental one-night stand, except that when Ted woke up in the morning, Barney was still there. He was awake, waiting perhaps, and he told Ted everything that Ted would've asked.

Yes, they slept together. No, it was accident, Ted. They were drunk. No, they didn't have to speak of it again.

But then Ted asked what neither of them expected.

"Did you like it?"

And Barney couldn't lie to him. Barney liked it, but it didn't have to happen again. He would keep his distance if Ted needed, but that was a problem. Drunk as Ted had been, he remembered raw pleasure and something that just felt really fucking great, a burst of pleasure that dissolved into sweet oblivion. Ted hadn't felt that great in a long time.

Maybe it was because Ted didn't have a girlfriend at the time, or maybe it there was still alcohol running through his system, but Ted gave into his impulses. They didn't leave the bedroom for a good, long time.

The encounter opened up this whole new dimension of friendship with Barney. It was no longer just the visceral pleasure of impulse and hedonistic fun that he always ended up having when they hung out. It was no longer the just the hidden care and the sense of having to watch out for this childish man, but there was a new desire unearthed that Ted could take advantage of.

It was these trysts that held Ted over between girlfriends and through life's frustrations. Having sex with Barney made Ted feel good in a way he didn't entirely understand and there was no pressure to ever have to understand it. Casual fucking didn't have to have a whole rhyme and reason to be enjoyed and he ran with that.

And then a date would come up, or a few dates, or a girlfriend, and Ted found himself in a conundrum of his own making. It was wrong to continue having sex with Barrney, definitely wrong, but then Ted would rephrase the terms in his head to appease out his conscience and the next thing Ted knew, he would be in the closet or on the roof with Barney 'blowing off steam'.

It was ridiculous. They didn't talk about this thing. Ted didn't want to. That would make their affair too real and Ted couldn't handle that. They didn't have a thing going on, as far as he was concerned. It was just...

A new activity between bros.

Or something like that. No claims, no definition. Just a thing that didn't really exist. A little, itty, arrangement.

And then he found the underwear in Barney's bed and it was like some switched turned in his head. They couldn't be doing this. If Barney wanted that arrangement with other guys, well-

Fuck him. He could do what he wanted. Ted wasn't going to be a part of it.

"Barney, where are you? Robin called and said you left her at a bar, and... and- you... Have... a meeting! A meeting early tomorrow at work. Shouldn't you prepare for that?"

A scoff, "Please."

"Barney, come on. You missed out on a lot of stuff when you didn't come to work those days. You should be ready to impress."

Excuses, but Marshall listened in when Robin called Lily and told them what was going on. Lily dismissed the information uneasily. She was still too guilty and shook up over how things had gone between Barney and Ted to try to stop Barney from doing something stupid like hooking up with replacement-Teds, but Marshall was not. He would be the first to admit that he usually sided with Ted over disagreements—after all, they'd been friends since college and that did a lot for long-time loyalty obligations—but that didn't mean that Marshall didn't look out for Barney, too.

He knew that sometimes Barney needed more of a friend than Ted was to him, that Barney was, yeah, sometimes a jerk, but always pretty scared and fragile underneath that. Barney needed someone to look after him, and Marshall knew Ted was a little too absorbed in his own problems and snap judgments of people to see how constant Barney's needs were, and to really take care of them. Ted was one of Marshall's best friends- part of the family- but so was Barney, and hell if Marshall didn't take care of his family.

He tried his best to try to steer Barney in the right direction when he started going astray, and now was no different. Barney hooking up with replacement-Teds was not a good direction to be running in at all.

There was a low groan filtering through the phone and a burble of masculine voices and eventually Barney said, "Look, Marshall, I'll be ready. I'll impress the pants off the board. It'll be legen-" a stuttered groan, "dary. Now can we continue this little chat later? I'm kind of in the middle of a couple of somethings right now."

A couple of chuckles reached Marshall and he sighed, "No, Barney, I really think you should get home and rest up. You've had a rough week and now is not the time to drop the ball."

A different voice answered.

"Oh, he won't. We'll take good care of him. Bye-bye now, Marshall."

More chuckling, and the line went dead.

Marshall didn't think he ever wanted to find Ted and punch him so much before. It wasn't just Barney's heartbreak that triggered Marshall's instincts, but this look that Barney usually only got when he was faced with something from his past like when they all found out about his ruined romance with Shannon, or when they found out snatches about what sort of home life Barney had growing up. Lily had been the one to point it out to Marshall the first time, but after that, he couldn't stop seeing it.

Barney was a victim. He covered up well and none of them knew exactly what haunted Barney besides failed commitment, but Ted somehow always managed to break down this wall—inadvertently most of the time— and Barney would be vulnerable again. Sure, Barney was resilient. He bounced back, but this time he wasn't coming back quite right.

He was letting himself become the gullible one-night stand for affection he was missing, and it wasn't like Barney didn't know what he was doing. Barney was a smart guy. He knew people, could read them and figure out how best to get the results that he wanted. But then, Marshal remembered, Barney wasn't so good at dealing with his own emotions, and knowing what to do when he felt anything by anger. He was disabled, and Marshall wished he'd remembered this fact earlier—early enough to tell Robin to look out for their friend, or at least early enough to protect Barney on his own.

Marshall sighed and put the phone away, eyes closed when Lily made her way to him quietly, wrapping those thin arms of hers around his waist. "Sometimes... things have to get worse before they get better," she said.

The cliché filled the silence that followed. Marshall had no doubt that this was at least partially true. At this rate, things could only get worse. He just hoped they would eventually get better.

Barney couldn't help himself. The man was charming and a touch impatient, and Barney felt a painful burst of need flare in his abdomen. He tried to tell himself it wasn't because this man had dark unruly hair and a penchant for plaid shirts over casual shirts that the attraction was so strong, but it took far too much to not call this man Ted on accident.

Gritting his teeth, Barney let out a frustrated breath, "I'm sorry, I can't do this."

He hated himself. What the fuck was he doing? This was the sixth Ted look-alike he let pick him up this week. They weren't Ted. They couldn't be him. They couldn't take his place. Barney knew that. He thought about getting out of this bar and running over to MacLaren's and getting on his knees for Ted and begging for forgiveness. Barney could admit to an infidelity that never happened if Ted wanted. It was such a small price to pay.

Barney's man of the night cupped Barney's cheek and Barney flinched. The man smiled, "Let me guess? Bad break up? Hey, don't let that get you so down. Tell you what, we can mosey on over to my place, and I bet I could make you forget about him."

The hand on Barney's cheek slid down to his ass. Revulsion, strong and suffocating, welled up through his entire frame. He stumbled out of his seat, staggering out the bar though he had nothing to drink that night. Desperate anxiety animated his frame, jerking him around and clawing its way into his mind. He could only try to walk faster.

The Ted-look-alike followed him at first, "Hey, where're you goin'? What, running back to the guy who broke your heart? Hey... hey, babe—you're probably better than that! Or something..."

The man stopped when Barney walked through the doors, but his words were still in Barney's head, stinging. It was obvious that the man didn't know the first thing about Barney, but if he did, he would have known.

Barney wasn't much better than that at all.

It was a long day of teaching classes. The kids didn't seem to be getting the material. Half of them didn't follow the directions for their assignment and by that virtue weren't even prepared for class. They even fought him on the quiz, trying to make him go off on as many tangents as possible during lecture to run out the clock.

All Ted really wanted to do was be home, heat up something instant and unhealthy to eat, and then go to bed.

Instead, Ted found Barney.

Ted instantly felt like he'd swallowed a bag full of cotton balls. The blond man had managed to tie himself up and was waiting on Ted's bed, naked and ready for him. A plea to be punished was written on his chest and abs in bold, black permanent marker, the letters all in neat caps. Barney was staring at Ted from the moment he walked in, eyes hazy with agitated lust. Somewhere inside Ted he was still angry, still furious whenever he thought of Barney.

But this wasn't fair. Ted couldn't keep his composure. His only choice would be to just give in.

The tension of the past few weeks gathered and caught fire. The moment Ted touched Barney, he couldn't think, couldn't do anything but follow along. Ted's clothes were gone in a heartbeat. His hands moved of their own volition over the hard planes of Barney's body. He couldn't stop.

They had sex until Ted simply couldn't anymore, when his body simply gave in to the bliss of sleep after their carnal pleasure. Somewhere between those wee hours of the morning and when he finally woke everything changed.

The sight of Barney resting, but not sleeping, next to him startled Ted. He scrambled back before realizing what transpired between them and Ted ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head, "No, this can't... you have to leave, Barney. This was a mistake."

Barney sat up sorely, pained in more ways than one and he started to retreat slowly, "Ted... please. I... I'll do anything you want. Can't we just... be friends again? I'll never mention this to a single soul. I—I'm sorry. I'll do anything—"

He begged. Barney continued to beg, and Ted didn't want to hear it. His heart clenched. None of this begging could matter—they couldn't do this. Ted Mosbey was a man of his words, and, dammit, he wasn't about to take Barney back only to realize that Barney was bed-hopping again. If Ted was going to share, if he wanted to, he would damn well know about it and tell Barney that it was okay.

Ted couldn't stand the feeling of betrayal. Anger flared in Ted's heart again and he stood, finding Barney's clothes and throwing them at him, gaze as cold as he could manage, "Fuck, Barney, just leave, okay? What we did last night wasn't right. We can't do it again. I can't do this with you."

Ted didn't look as Barney put on his pants and started walking, but Ted gathered himself and followed Barney's path. He had to make sure the man left. Had to make sure all this temptation and all of these poor choices left him.

Marshall's palm floored Ted the moment he stepped into the living room.

It was surreal to say the least.

At first, Robin thought that Ted had brought home another girl—he was going through them so fast these days—but something was off about it. The pitch of Ted's partner's voice was off, and it was so strangely familiar. And, man, when did Ted get so... kinky with his partners?

And then her eyes slid over to an old photo on her dresser of the five of them and a switch flipped in her brain. It wasn't a girl. And yeah, this person was familiar all right. She didn't know how they got to be together in Ted's room or what had changed between them so suddenly that they went from feuding to fucking, though her heart sank at the very thought of the matter. Self-deprecation was almost tangible through the apartment from Ted's room, and Robin doubted that the two men could feel it through the haze of their exertions.

Robin didn't know much about what was going on between Ted and Barney, only what Lily told her in a quick, choppy conversation over the phone—which was itself only little bits and pieces that the woman had gathered from stalking the pair and from Barney's small contributions—but Robin was pretty sure that this wasn't a step forward in their relationship. It was probably something more like ten steps back.

Robin's first thought was to run into the bedroom and interrupt them. She knew that would end badly. First, it might not even stop them. Second, she didn't know how long they'd been at it. Whatever damage this was doing was probably already done, and it was just the morning that they had to face.

Her second thought was to call Lily, which quickly proved to be nearly the same as her first thought, except that it ended many more thoughts of violence against Ted. Robin heard Marshall calm Lily down, and they all talked, but they didn't get much further than that they needed to get Ted and Barney away from each other and that Lily wanted Ted to feel some pain. After about half an hour more of hashing things out, Lily declared, "Robin, we're coming over. We'll call and just... let us up, okay? We'll be ready for when they get out of there," and hung up and Robin couldn't help but feel that this was a tipping point.

Something would change in their friendship that might not be reversible. There was too much anger, too much hurt. Something was going to give. And as Robin sat on the couch, staring at the muted television, but listening to the sounds from Ted's room with a sort of morbid fascination, she wondered if it was all really worth it for them all to get involved.

Certainly, they couldn't ignore it. This whole thing was too big. It was a wonder this secret relationship had taken Lily, Marshall, and herself so long to discover. But at the end of it all, Robin figured, they were all adults. No matter what Robin, Lily, or Marshall said, they couldn't stop Barney or Ted from doing what they wanted.

And anyway, was it really their place to interfere? Lily and Marshall, maybe, had more of a right then Robin, surely. They were friends with both Barney and Ted before Robin was, and often provided a voice of reason for all of them. Wouldn't it seem strange for Robin to try to break them up? A woman who had been in serious relationships with both men, plotting to interfere in her exes romantic—or rather, sex—lives?

But as the sound continued to pour out of Ted's room, Robin was more and more convinced that it was their duty as friends to stop this quasi-relationship to at least try to salvage something of the friendship they all shared with either man, and to hopefully save something in Ted and Barney's very selves.

Marshall let Barney pass him to get caught up in Lily and Robin's arms and waited for Ted, putting all of his strength into slapping Ted. Their friend swore, staggering, and Marshall felt some of his own tension dissolve. It had been a long few hours of waiting for Ted and Barney to come out of the room, and having Robin describe what she heard before they arrived at the apartment only made Marshall's own agitation worse.

Honestly, Marshall wasn't only mad at Ted. He was disappointed in Barney for pulling this stunt. This situation would never have arisen if Barney hadn't initiated it. Of course, that didn't put Ted in the right, either. He could have—and should have, in Marshall's opinion—stopped this whole thing before having sex with an obviously fragile Barney instead of going along with the act and then kicking the blond man out after having his fill.

But here the five of them were, ready for a full scale confrontation, and all Marshall could think is that this wouldn't have happened if they didn't keep secrets from each other in the first place.

Ted recovered from the slap as best he could, staring at Marshall, "What the hell was that?"

"The fifth slap, dude."

Ted was incredulous, "The fifth slap? What- uh, I don't know if you noticed, Marshall, but—I'm not Barney."

Lily shook her head, trying to help Barney into the rest of his clothing like he was one of her kindergarteners, "As slap bet commissioner, I allow this. I declare that slap recipient is transferable, and you, Ted—you just needed to be slapped. Really."

"For what?" Ted's voice was increasing in pitch, his eyes darting between all of them.

"For this thing with you and Barney, Ted. We don't know everything that's gone on between you, and we're not saying that whatever happened between you two is all your fault, but you aren't blameless. We figure Barney is doing a good enough job torturing himself-" Robin started.

"Woah, wait—how do you even know about... this thing?"

"Ted, you needed to be slapped. I mean, what the hell? You're even avoiding calling your relationship with Barney anything, and you dumped him, but you still slept with him," Lily said, expression starting to gravitate from disappointment to anger.

"Hey, I didn't—Barney came to me. Okay? I didn't ask him to come back. I didn't invite him over, he was just here and... I couldn't—I can't resist Barney. You guys know that I can't resist Barney. How am I the criminal here?" Ted stared at all of them, but there was no response. Marshall looked between his two best friends and sighed, suddenly understanding something in the nuances of their actions.

"Ted, you and Barney need to talk, and I mean talk. Not yell at each other, not have sex, but really talk about this. It would be stupid for you two to lose a friendship, or potentially something more because you can't face each other—"

"I'm not the one who refuses to face this-" Barney says, interrupting sullenly.

Marshall holds up a hand to quiet him for a moment, "—Without pointing fingers or doing any of the other things I already said. We're going to leave you two in a room alone now, but talk. Seriously. If you two don't talk this out, I'm slapping both of you."

Marshall forcibly seated Barney and Ted on opposite ends of the couch and ushered everyone into Robin's room. It was up to Barney and Ted now; Marshall just hoped he, Lily, or Robin would need to intervene.

They were drunk the first time.

Or, at least, Ted was drunk. Can't-keep-Ted-in-bed-drunk. Barney was buzzed, he had a nice mellow going, but he wouldn't lie. He wasn't drunk enough to not realize the full consequences of what he was doing. Sleeping with Ted was going to change things, but Barney's desire outweighed his good sense.

When they were done, Barney lay awake, kept up by his thoughts. Ted was warm next to him. He felt welcoming, but Ted was always welcoming, even during that rough patch in their friendship. Barney loved that about Ted. It made him feel good to be around the man, to get close, so when it seemed that the two of them were going to be making the beast with two backs, Barney let it happen.

It wasn't easy to let go and give into that compulsion. Barney was no stranger to sex between two men. He knew what it was like to be on the receiving end and he would be lying in he said he didn't love how it felt. But he knew most of all, being with men always made him feel used, made him hurt in a way he didn't quite understand. He knew first hand that guys were scum on Earth, and Barney was one of them. He probably mostly deserved what trouble he got for how he went through women.

The world was full of shitty guys. Guys that would manipulate a vulnerable, naive, insecure fifteen-year-old boy. Guys that would take advantage of that desperation and then throw him away like the human trash he always felt he was. Guys that would tease, and jeer and make Barney wish he'd never bothered to the point where he would block them out of his memory and refuse to have sex until he was twenty-three. And still there would be a someone he would work up the courage to approach, even though they would always be the same.

And then Barney met Ted. And damn, Ted was—Ted became one of the most important people in Barney's world. He was nice to Barney, put up with all of his shit and convoluted answers, and he came with great people—all of them people that Barney looked up to. They were all everything he'd ever needed or wanted in friends, in a second family. And then there was Ted. Ted who was naive in his own way. Ted who didn't realize that Barney really was sort of hitting on him the day they met in MacLaren's and somehow still put with Barney's socially awkward behavior. Ted who made him feel like a person and gave him something to look forward to in the day. Barney needed Ted.

So when Ted got drunk enough to get curious and touchy-feely, Barney let things happen. He wasn't stupid. This was going to be a mistake. That's what he would tell Ted in the morning when things were over. This couldn't ruin their friendship or change it and there was no way in Hell that Barney was maybe sorta hoping for something more out of it. There would be no disappointment if they never had sex again or pretended it never happened.

And for the first time since Barney officially started dating Robin, Barney felt like he could be at peace with the longing inside himself.

"Ted—"

"Barney—"

Silence.

"Look this thing—"

"I'm not going to lie—"

Silence again. Awkwardness rose. They tried to look at anything but each other.

"Ted, please, let's be friends again? I can't—you need to take me back, Ted. At least on that level... please?" Ted finally looked up at the words and noticed that Barney wasn't making up stories or words or resorting to misdirection. It dawned on him that this was a huge fucking issue. Barney wanted to talk about this. Barney hated relationships; he never wanted to talk about them, and yet he wanted to talk about this. This wasn't a problem that could be solved by ignoring it because even if Ted never talked to barney again, this thing they had would always be on Ted's shadow, lurking in the back of his mind to mess with him.

Ted suddenly wanted Marshall or Lily or even Robin there to mediate but Ted knew he wouldn't get help from them for fucking this whole thing up. And worse, Ted's mouth was getting ahead of him again, "Barney, we trampled all over the bro code—"

"Ted-"

"It's like when you hooked up with Wendy the waitress. It ruined the bar, man. This isn't exactly the same, but we still can't—"

"Who cares about the fucking bro code? I make those things up and you know I'm full of crap, Ted. I need you!"

Ted finally chanced a glance at Barney. He was flushed all the way down his neck, the redness creeping down over a chest that heaved at each breath. Ted had seen Barney upset before, and he'd seen him cry once or twice, but this was worse—hell, he was denouncing the bro code, "Barney..."

"No, forget it. Of course we're not going to be friends. You've all been looking for a reason to dump me all this time and so I'll give it up. Just—forget this happened, and we won't talk again—" Barney got up to leave, half-dressed as he was with fists clenched tight, and Ted got up too, pulling his trump card.

"I love you."

To his credit, Barney didn't turn around and punch him. A side-table lamp caught the end of Barney's hurt, and they stared at each other. Time slowed. Barney shook his head.

"I've been telling you for years, Ted—you say these things without meaning them."

And he was out of the apartment.

"Oh no. No, Ted, no." Lily sighed and shook her head, "'I love you?' That's not what I meant by talking, Ted."

Marshall, sitting next to her on Robin's bed, put an arm around her, "It didn't seem that bad, Lilypad. I mean, it made Barney stop—"

Robin snorted, "Yeah, but Barney left, like, five seconds later."

They all chuckle, but Lily felt horrible. She couldn't stop thinking about how Barney came to the conclusion that none of them could be friends anymore—how they were trying to dump him and Lily knew she was partially responsible for that, and for this whole situation over all. She knew she joked maybe too often about getting rid of Barney, neglected to mention his place on the front porch and now broke him up with Ted without thinking about what it would mean for the two of them.

Robin sat down and took one of Lily's hands, "Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You know Barney looks up to you. I mean, you always get him to do what he needs to do. Remember when I was dating him, and we wouldn't even acknowledge that we were dating? He needs this talk, Lily. However messy this ends up being, they're responsible for most of it."

"And if this doesn't work out, I'll talk to both of them, okay Lilypad? Barney and Ted—they mean more to each other than they'll admit. Even if they have to stop being friends for a while, I'm sure they won't end up hating each other outright." Marshall said. It wasn't much of a comfort—Lily remembered the days when all of them would think that Barney was saying lovey-dovey things to Ted—but it was just enough to believe that their friendship wasn't ruined by this whole thing.

"I guess it really is up to them now, isn't it?" Lily said, resigned.

"Yeah, but they can both be such idiots. I should know. I dated them."

Barney tried to close the car door before Ted could reach him, but Ted just wrenched it open and climbed in, telling the Ranjit to just drive for a while.

"Ted, get out. Ranjit—go to my place. We're going to my place—"

"Ranjit, we're just going to drive around so I can talk to Barney—"

"Hell no, get out of the car, Ted. I'm going home. Ranjit—"

"Haha—don't listen to him, Ranjit. We're driving—"

"No. No! I refuse. Get out of the car, Ted—"

But then a privacy partition raised, and the car doors locked, and Barney's jaw tightened up. He didn't want to be stuck with Ted. He didn't want to have this conversation and be dumped. Ted wanted a family. He wanted a wife. He wanted stability and monogamy, and he obviously wanted none of that with Barney. He couldn't even have half of that with Barney.

Jaw tightening further, Barney shoved Ted lightly, scooting over to the opposite side of the car. He refused to look at Ted, distractedly buttoning up his shirt and fiddling with his phone, "You don't want to talk to me. You dumped me. We've been through this already, okay? I don't want to talk about it anymore. Last night was a mistake."

"Yeah. It was." Barney gripped his phone tighter, of course Ted would say that, "but I was wrong. I've been stupid about this. I'll man up, okay?"

"Oh-hoh. you hear that world? Ted Mosby was wrooooooong. Let's give him a hand, huh?" Barney clapped and sneered at Ted before turning back to his phone.

"Barney, give me a sec. I just—I'm sorry, okay. You didn't cheat on me, did you?" Ted was peering at Barney, intently and Barney had the urge to punch him in the face, but he couldn't even bear to look at Ted long enough to blink.

"No, Ted. You can't cheat on someone when you aren't in a relationship, and we weren't in a relationship. I'm terrible at relationships, and I know that, Ted. Is this a test?" Ted sighed. Barney wondered if he was getting annoyed, figuring Ted was about to say 'forget it' and leave him alone. That's what this would amount to, Barney was sure of it.

"Okay. I'll man up to that. I was out of line. I shouldn't have expected something from you that I wasn't doing, but, hell Barney. I've never done this before. I guess... I got scared. I—I tedded out, and that was more than shitty of me. I'm sorry."

Barney finally looked at Ted, but he looked away just as quickly. He remembered all the reasons he stayed away from pursuing men. He remembered what Ted meant to him, and everything they'd done. Ted was different. He definitely was, but Ted wasn't just a nice, attractive guy. He was Ted. Barney's best friend—the best friend Barney ever had that wasn't James—even if he wasn't Ted's best friend. That colored this whole situation, made it just that different.

"We... can't. Do this. Ted. You haven't done this before, but... I have. Okay? I've been in this place before, but never with... with... a Ted," It seemed easier now, to look at Ted, "I... love... you, Ted. I l-love you, Ted. But you're my best friend—I know I'm not your best friend, that's Marshall, I just need that stuff—and that makes you different. That's why we can't do this. It's funny. Lily always makes me realize this stuff. This was a mistake, Ted."

Ted looked stunned, caught off guard, but Barney couldn't blame him. This wasn't typical suit-wearing-Barney-Stinson behavior. This wasn't even hippie-Barney's behavior.

"Wait, but... I would be willing to try this out. For real this time," Ted's expression said he just realized this was true, and the longing sprung up in Barney again, strong and desperate. This time, Barney pushed it down. He couldn't want this. He wouldn't.

"I don't think I can do this, Ted."

Ted was expecting the words. He was honestly expecting to be dumped even if Barney took the offer, but he had to make this right. Ted had done an awful lot of wrong in their relationship that Barney had just tolerated, and Ted knew that if he left it that way, all that hurt between them would ruin their relationship.

Truth be told, no matter how Ted denied it, Barney was one of his best friends. Barney was special. He got Ted out of his box, out of his comfort zone, and on some level, Ted knew that it was his place in their friendship to help Barney feel safe. Ted hadn't done a very good job of that lately at all. He knew he probably couldn't fix what he had done, but the least he could do was try to make up for it.

Ted wasn't even sure he wanted to let Barney go. Obviously, the sex was good, but giving away his gay experience-ginity to someone after thirty years of strictly heterosexual desire was big. People didn't just do something like that with a someone they'd been friends with for years—even if they were too drunk to see straight—without there being something there in the first place. At least, Ted wouldn't do that. He would admit that Barney was attractive, and he knew that under the masks and the strange behaviors, Barney was a good guy.

It was shitty of Ted to make it a relationship of convenience on his end.

So when Barney shot his down again, Ted let his impulses take over. He grabbed Barney's hand and made Barney look at him.

"Barney—even if you dump me in the end—just give me a week. To apologize and make up for how stupid I was. I'll be a good boyfriend. The best you've ever had. You deserve that."

Barney looked unsure, but Ted knew what Barney would say from the way Barney's hand tightened in his.

By the time they saw Barney and Ted again, the gang was at MacLaren's waiting for them. They weren't holding hands. They weren't at each other's throats, but both of them looked okay, if only a bit tired. Robin slid over into the chair at the end of their booth when she caught sight of them, relieved to find her exes content to be within a foot of each other for the first time in too long.

Marshall held Lily's hand tight under the table to help her refrain from jumping the gun and asking them how things went. What was important was that everything was working out again. Damage control was no longer a necessity

Lily was giving Ted and Barney a strange smile, hiccupping once in a while. She burned to know what was going on now, but Ted and Barney just ordered food and drinks, and listened while Robin went on about how the teleprompters malfunctioned at work. Lily watched their two friends intently, trying not to be obvious, but she was a terrible spy and they were discreet.

Barney stole some of Ted's fries. Ted took a sip of Barney's scotch. Maybe their hands were linked under the table? Lily couldn't tell. They could be playing footsie, or ignoring each other poorly, or pretending to be okay with each other when they weren't. She had to know.

But then midnight rolled around and Ted called it a night. Barney picked up their tab, and they left, not quite together, but definitely not apart.

Lily shot out of her seat, ready to follow. Marshall held her back.

"No, Lilypad. I think they're fine now."

"But—"

Robin sighed, "I'll tell you if I hear anything when I come home."

"Deal."

And things felt kind of sort of normal again.