The Legend of Elita

Chapter 1: Honor To Us All

The Great Space Wall was the primary means of defense for invading forces from outer space against Cybertron. The term 'wall' was used a bit loosely since the defense system consisted of a series of space elevators that spanned the planet. When a threat was detected, ranging from a meteor that wouldn't burn up into something harmless upon entering Cybertron's atmosphere to a possible invasion, the tops of the space elevators would extend a force field that protected the entire planet. However, since the Great Wars had ended long ago, the Great Space Wall was rarely needed. However, that did not mean they would be unprotected.

That evening, a lone soldier was patrolling the command center at the top of one space elevator. Rodimus Minor looked over the various monitors. "Energy flow, normal, AS guns, charged, scanning range," Rodimus paused at this one, "Hmm… I don't see why we should have it at full range, considering that there aren't going to even be any meteorites this time of year. But I ought to do a quick scan to be sure." He turned up a knob, but nothing appeared on the screen. "Oh great," sighed Rodimus, "Now I'll have to go outside and fix it." While Autobots aren't bothered by the vacuum of space, it was still an inconvenience to have to go outside and manually check the scanner dishes.

Rodimus walked out through the airlock and towards where the scanner dishes were. When he got there, he noticed something amiss. The dishes were all smashed up. It didn't seem likely to have been meteorites that did it, since the dishes would have detected them as soon as they gotten close and would have alerted the station. Rodimus approached them and took a closer look. No, they definitely didn't get smashed by meteorites. Meteorites don't have claws.

Suddenly, something screeched before flying over his head, knocking his helmet off as it went. Rodimus winced and looked up to see what hit him. Perched on one of the broken dishes perched a robotic bird that was glaring at him with red eyes. Rodimus frowned. Cyber-hawks couldn't possibly be able to fly this high without help. The bird turned its head upwards and emitted a loud cry while flashing a purple beam from its beak.

Rodimus was about to approach the bird when he noticed a little red dot of light on one of the anti-spacecraft guns. It didn't look like one of the lights that were part of the cannon, more like someone was shining a light onto it. Just then, several more red dots appeared on the cannon as well as the rest before a hail of energy blasts started falling down from space and destroyed them.

Rodimus quickly rolled out of the way and ran back towards the command center. He activated his comlink and said, "This is Rodimus Minor, we are facing an invasion force. Activate the beacons now!" However, before he could get through the door, a pair of Decepticons landed in front of him. One of them was mostly beige and purple with a red angry-looking face. The other was tall and lanky, with a single red eye in the middle of his face, if he had one. "Going somevhere, Autobot?" said the purple and beige one before pointing his cannons at the door and welding it shut.

Rodimus cursed silently. Now the only way to activate the beacon was from the observation deck, which was above his current floor. Fortunately, there was a ladder nearby. Rodimus quickly doubled back and started to climb it. "Not so fast, Autobot," said the lanky Decepticon in a cool voice before pointing his cannon at Rodimus and firing. Rodimus climbed out of the way, but the blast shot off the bottom of the ladder. Nevertheless, Rodimus made it to the top and quickly ran towards the activation switch for the beacon.

Suddenly, another Decepticon landed nearby. This was large, grey, and looked totally ruthless. Rodimus stared in shock for a moment. He had heard stories about the Decepticons trying to invade Cybertron once in a while, but not by their current leader. The cyber-hawk from before flew over and perched on the Decepticon leader's shoulder.

Then Rodimus remembered his objective and pulled the activation switch. The beacon immediately lit up a bright red color. The Decepticon leader glanced outwards towards the nearest space elevator. The beacon on it had just lit up. This quickly repeated for the other elevators until all the beacons in sight were shining red. "Now all of Cybertron knows you're here," said Rodimus.

The Decepticon leader grabbed the remains of an anti-spacecraft gun and ripped it off. He removed the energy core for it and threw it a large Autobot insignia at the wall. The energy core exploded on contact, destroying the insignia and much of the wall. The Decepticon leader smiled and said, "Perfect."

A blue and white military truck drove into the Imperial Chamber, accompanied by two Autotroopers. The three of them transformed to robot mode as soon as they reached the base of the platform that the current Emperor of Cybertron, Alpha Trion, sat upon. "Your majesty," said Ultra Magnus, the first of the three, "We have received approach that the Decepticons have managed to breach Cybertron's atmosphere."

"Impossible," said a red robot wearing yellow glasses that stood at Alpha Trion's side, "The Great Space Wall has been calculated to be the ultimate method of planetary defense. No force of Decepticons could possibly bypass it."

"There were being led by Megatron," said Ultra Magnus grimly. Alpha Trion also frowned. The 'Emperor of Destruction', as Megatron called himself, has a terrifying reputation that have each reached Autobot audio receptors. He was known for being a bot that was tremendously strong, deviously cunning, and absolutely merciless. If he had managed to lead an army of Decepticons onto Cybertron, it could only mean grave danger.

"Fortunately, the anti-aircraft guns are still operational all over Cybertron," said Ultra Magnus, "Should they detect any flying Decepticons, they will be shot down. However, it is probably and more than likely that they will keep to the ground, low altitudes at the highest, in area that are more remote. But they will doubtlessly be heading for your palace. We shall set up defenses around it immediately."

"No," said Alpha Trion, standing up, "Send your troops to protect my people." He turned to the red Autobot, "Perceptor, deliver conscription notices throughout all the provinces, call up reserves. One bot from every family must be drafted for the army. We must recruit as many new soldiers as possible."

Perceptor nodded and said, "Yes, your Highness," before transforming to truck mode and driving off.

"Forgive me, your Majesty," said Ultra Magnus, "But this seems like an unnecessary amount of firepower. I believe my troops are capable of stopping the Decepticons."

"I won't take any chances, General," said Alpha Trion as he walked towards him, "A single grain of Energon dust can tip the scale. One bot may be the difference between victory and defeat."

Far away from the Imperial Palace, at a small Energon farm just outside of Crystal City, a young yellow femme was carefully studying from a scroll. As well as copying what was on that scroll to her right forearm. "Ok, let's see," she said to herself, "quiet and demure… graceful, polite, delicate, refine, poised, and…punctual." Suddenly, a robot rooster crowed. The femme jumped up. "Oh slag, I'm late!" she cried. She quickly ran through the house. "Sparkplug!" she called, pausing to blow on the cyberglyphs on her arm to help the ink dry faster, "Sparkplug! Spark- Ah, there you are."

Elita stopped when she spotted a robotic dog, sleeping on the floor. The dog woke at the sound of her voice and barked excitedly. "Ah, you're the smartest doggy on Cybertron. C'mon smart boy, you wanna help me with my chores today?" Elita grabbed a bag of Energon pellets, a rope, a string, a stick, and a metal bone. She tied the bag to one end of a rope and slit a hole in the bottom of it. She tied the bone to the end of the stick with a string and fastened it to Sparkplug's collar. Sparkplug looked at the bone and barked excitedly as he chased the 'floating' bone out the door, leaving a trail of Energon pellets behind him. Sparkplug ran through a flock of robot chickens outside which then started pecking at the corn.

Meanwhile, at a small shrine on the farm, an old medibot was knelt in front of the several stones that were inscribed with cyberglyphics, which represented the deceased members of the One family. He placed a burning stick of incense into the dish of an incense burner shaped like a serpentine dragon. "Honorable ancestors," said Ratchet solemnly, "Please help Elita to impress the matchmaker today." Just then, Sparkplug ran in and out of the shrine, barking loudly. A flock of robot chickens quickly entered the shrine and started pecking at the Energon pellets left behind. Ratchet sighed and said louder, "Please, please help her."

Sparkplug eventually stopped 'chasing the bone' and was now trying to grab it, even though it was tantalizingly out of reach. The robot dog whined as he tried to take the elusive prize. Just then, Elita came by, holding a platter that had a kettle and a tea cup on it. She paused when she saw Sparkplug and pulled the bone down closer to his mouth. Sparkplug grabbed it and started chewing on it. "Father!" called Elita, "I brought your-"

Just then, Ratchet came out of the shrine, bumping into her and causing the platter to go flying. The teacup shattered on the ground, but the kettle was caught on Ratchet's walking stick. "Elita!" he cried in surprise.

"I brought a spare," said Elita as she pulled an extra teacup out.

"Elita," started Ratchet.

"Remember, you're supposed to take three cups of Morphobot tea in the morning," said Elita, pouring the tea into the teacup.

Elita…" started Ratchet.

"And three at night," said Elita.

"Elita, you should already be in town," said Ratchet, "They're counting on you to-"

"Uphold the family honor," finished Elita, "Don't worry, Father. I won't let you down." She slid her sleeve further down her arm to cover her notes before heading down the steps and calling, "Wish me luck!"

"Hurry!" called Ratchet. Sparkplug watched Elita go before giving Ratchet a befuddled look. Ratchet sighed and said, "I'm going to...pray some more."

In Crystal City, the streets were all in a hustle. Autobot merchants were racing here and there in vehicle mode, carrying carts full of goods to sell. Outside the beauty salon, a pink and white femme was pacing anxiously. Another femme came out of the beauty salon and said, "Arcee-One, is your daughter here yet? The matchmaker is not a patient femme."

Arcee sighed as the other femme went back inside. "Of all days to be late," she groaned, "I should have prayed to the ancestors for luck."

Ratchet's sister, Red Alert, walked up to Arcee. "How lucky can they be?" said Red Alert, "They're dead. Besides, I have all the luck we'll need right here." She held up a cage holding a small cyborg creature with six tentacle-like arms, four crab-like legs, and a look in his single eye that hinted that he just found out he got the wrong end of an acting contract. Red Alert looked at the rushing traffic and said to the creature, "This is your chance to prove yourself." The creature gave her a look like she was crazy.

Red Alert covered her eyes with one hand and started walking out into the busy street. "Red Alert, no!" called Arcee. Red Alert seemed fine for a few moments but then two Autobots were driving where she was going and couldn't stop in time. They both screamed loudly before they collided, causing a large cloud of dust.

However, Red Alert walked out of that dust completely unharmed. She made it to the other side of the street and called, "Yep, this cyber-cricket's a lucky one!" Said cyber-cricket looked decidedly shell-shocked from that near-brush with death and fainted onto the floor of his cage.

Arcee sighed before hearing a not-too-far-away roar. Just then, Elita came riding in on the back of the family Dinobot stallion, Snarl. Snarl came to a stop in front of Arcee and Elita jumped off. "I'm here, " said Elita. She noticed her mother's disapproving look, "What? But Mama, I had to-"

"None of your excuses," snapped Arcee, "Let's just get you cleaned up." Then the two of them headed into the beauty salon.

Salon Mistress:

This is what you give me to work with?

Well, honey, I've seen worse

We're going to turn this sow's ear

Into a silk purse

Elita:

It's freezing!

Arcee:

It would have been warm if you had been here on time.

Salon Mistress:

We'll have you

Washed and dried

Primped and polished till you glow with pride

Trust my recipe for instant bride

You'll bring honor to us all

Arcee:

(discovering notes on Elita's arm) Elita, what's this?

Elita:

Uh, notes, in case I forget something?

Red Alert:

Hold this. (hands cyber-cricket cage to Arcee) We'll need more luck than I thought.

Several:

Wait and see

When we're through

Mechs will gladly go to war for you

With good fortune and a great hairdo

You'll bring honor to us all

A femme can bring her family

Great honor in one way

By striking a good match

And this could be the day

Mechs want femmes with good taste

Calm

Obedient

Who work fast-paced

With good breeding

And a tiny waist

You'll bring honor to us all

We all must serve our Emperor

Who guards us from the Huns

A mech by bearing arms

A femme by bearing sons

When we're through you can't fail

Like a lotus blossom soft and palm

How could any fellow say "No sale"

You'll bring honor to us all

Arcee:

There - you're ready

Red Alert:

Not yet

An apple for serenity ...

A pendant for balance ...

Beads of jade for beauty

You must proudly show it

Now add a cricket just for luck

And even you can't blow it

Elita:

Ancestors

Hear my plea

Help me not to make a fool of me

And to not uproot my fam'ly tree

Keep my father standing tall

Several:

Scarier than the undertaker

We are meeting our matchmaker

Destiny

Guard our girls

And our future as it fast unfurls

Please look kindly on these cultured pearls

Each a perfect porcelain doll

Please bring honor to us

Please bring honor to us

Please bring honor to us

Please bring honor to us

Please bring honor to us all

The doors opened with a bang, allowing the matchmaker, Botanica, to walk outside. Or glide, or whatever she does with her hover-skirt. She looked at a datapad and called out, "Elita-One?"

Elita raised her hand and called, "Present!"

Botanica frowned and wrote on her datapad while saying, "Speaking without permission…"

"Oops," groaned Elita. This was coming out to a bad start.

Red Alert noticed Botanica's foul temper and whispered to Arcee, "Who spit in her oil?"

Elita walked into the matchmaker's house, Botanica slamming the doors after her. As soon as they were inside, Botanica looked her over and muttered, "Too skinny, not good for baring sons." Elita silently moaned. This was not looking good at all.

And to make it all worse, Chip the cyber-cricket had just managed to open his cage and hopped out onto Botanica's shoulder as she was turning around. Elita quickly snatched him off and was about to return him to his cage when Chip jumped out again. Eltia spent several seconds trying to keep a hold on Chip as he jumped out of her grasp. Eventually, she caught him again but Botanica had just turned back around, forcing Eltia to hide Chip in her mouth.

"Recite the final admonition," said Botanica.

Elita nodded and unfurled her fan in front of her face. She took the opportunity to spit Chip out as soon as her mouth was hidden. "Fulfill your duties calmly…and respectfully…" recited Elita, she paused as she had trouble reading the cyberglyphs on her forearm, which was now running because of her bath, "Reflect before you snack-ACT! This shall bring you honor and glory!" She finished the recitation quickly to cover up her brief mistake. Botanica didn't seem to notice so Eltia let out a sigh of relief before fanning herself.

Botanica snatched the fan from her hand and looked at both sides of it. Apparently she was checking for any crib sheets on the fan. When she didn't find any, she said, "This way." She took Elita by the forearm and led her to a table. However, by doing so, she rubbed the wet ink from the real location of the crib sheets onto her hand. Botanica took a teapot off a small stove and placed it near a teacup on the table and said, "Now, pour the tea." As Elita picked up the teapot, Botanica kept speaking, "To please your future in-laws, you must demonstrate a sense of dignity and refinement." She traced her fingers around her mouth, unknowingly drawing an ink beard on her face.

Elita was paying so much attention to the 'beard' on Botanica's face that she didn't notice that she was pouring tea onto the table until a sizeable puddle had formed. She eventually noticed and quickly stopped spilling the tea and filled up the cup. As she did, she heard a contented sigh. She looked into the teacup and saw that Chip was relaxing in the warm tea like it was a hottub.

"You must also be poised," continued Botanica as she took the teacup.

"Um, pardon me…" whispered Elita.

"And silent!" snapped Botanica. She brought the teacup to her mouth and inhaled the steam. She sighed with content as Chip wondered where the sudden wind had come from.

Elita put her hand on the teacup and said, "If I could have that back for just a moment…" She tried to take back the teacup, but Botanica wouldn't let go. The two ended up in a brief tug-of-war over the teacup which ended when Elita lost her grip and Botanica went flying back, spilling the hot tea and Chip onto her dress.

Botanica glared at Elita and growled, "Why you clumsy-" Suddenly, she felt something moving around inside her dress. She yelped in surprised, hopping backwards until she accidentally sat on the stove. She gave a cry of pain as she leapt up, clutching her smoking bottom. She yelled in pain as she hopped about, slapping at the smoldering part of her dress. Elita quickly ran over and tried to blow it out by waving her fan at it. Instead, she only made it strong until it burst into flame.

Everyone outside could hear the screaming going on inside and were wincing with each crash. "I think it's going well, don't you?" commented Red Alert to Arcee.

Just then, Botanica ran out with her behind on fire. She screamed, "Put it out! Put it out! Put it out!" Elita ran outside and threw the contents of the teapot at Botanica. The tea doused the flames, but it also smeared her makeup and the inky beard on her face.

Elita giggled in embarrassment and said, "Sorry," before handing the teapot back to Botanica and rushing back to her mother and aunt. Chip quickly scuttled out of the house and hopped back into the cage, shutting the door behind him.

"Elita?" started Arcee.

Just then, Botanica threw the teapot at Elita's feet and yelled, "You are a disgrace! You may look like a bride, but you will never bring your family honor!" She then stormed inside her house and slammed the door in a huff. Elita groaned. There was no way the matchmaker would ever help her find a husband now, if one would even want her. She had just dishonored her entire family.

Here's the first chapter of my anual Christmas parody story. And this year, I'm doing Disney's Mulan with Transformers Animated. So far, I think I've been doing a good job with drawing parallels between ancient China and Cybertron, especially with the Great Space Wall. I think I also have the characters in appropriate roles as well. I made Red Alert Elita's aunt because she was the only femme who was close enough to Grandma Fa and she was too young to be a grandmother. I originally considered Strika for the position of the matchmaker, but I decided having a Decepticon would be too awkward so I used Botanica instead. Not that I dislike her, but she seemed the next best player for the role. Chip is my own character and a bit of cheat since he's not a Transformer. I considered Scalpel, but again the Decepticon angle was too awkward. Anyhow, I shall try to update this story as often as possible so it'll be done in time for Christmas. Keep an eye out for the next story and please review.