Untouchable

When I had asked Matt for the directions to His grave, he hadn't questioned me. He had simply handed me the paper with something akin to pity in his eyes. But Matt didn't pity me. He knew I wouldn't tolerate pity. That I spit on pity, trampling it into the ground. But he had been looking at me like that since the scar that now marred my face had been burned on.

It didn't bother me. At least I told myself it didn't. I tried to convince myself that it was a good thing that served to increase my intimidation. Ah forget this bullshit. I can't stand it when people aren't honest, especially to themselves. I may be many shitty things, but a hypocrite isn't one of them.

That was what I thought of, while on my motorcycle, racing above all legal speed limits just for the hell of it. I stepped off the bike as I tried to adjust to the eerie silence so different from the constant roar of the bike. Had I expected any different? It was a cemetery.

I pulled my hood up, scowling and buried my hands deep into my pockets. I didn't hesitate to walk into the graveyard. Fear was unacceptable. The cemetery was rather small, so it didn't take long to locate his grave. It was under the alias Ryuzaki. No last name needed. Of course not. The only people visiting him would have understood the significance of the name, though I doubted anyone but me knew the name's true origin.

I sighed, my eyes narrowing. What the hell was I supposed to say? Did anyone know what to say when faced with their dead idol? Matt probably would have told me some shit like to speak from my heart, but he didn't seem to realize just how fucked up my heart was. But it was better than nothing. Besides, why lie to a dead man? Who were they going to whisper the secrets to?

"Well, it looks like you lost, L," I began bitterly. "You didn't even leave long enough to choose me or fucking Near. Well are you proud? Have you seen how much I've done without anyone's help? Without having to sink Near's pathetic state? Aren't you just so fucking proud?" I frowned at the dirt, kicking a rock by my foot. I closed my eyes turning my head to the sky.

"That's not what I'm here to say. If I even know what I want to say. It should come to me eventually. Maybe I'll just complain about how fucking hard my life was or what a shitty person I've become. But you already guessed that right? That's why you told me what happened to B. As a warning. But you know I've been thinking about that. Maybe it's not so bad to end up like B. I mean, he died just like you. He's fucking untouchable now like you. You can't hurt him, can't threaten him, can't laugh in his face telling him how he failed."

"Maybe that's why I'm here. To tell you I'm going to be like that soon. To see one of you soon. Probably B, because I'm sure as fuck I'm not getting into heaven. But don't worry, Kira is coming with me and I'll be sure to beat the shit out of him everyday for you." I stopped speaking for a moment, trying to figure out how to convey my next request.

"But you must hold some sway in heaven right? So I want you to put in a good word in for Matt. He's probably not going to die, but I'm not taking any chances." I sighed. "I don't have some fancy goodbye prepared, but could you tell Matt when he does get up there that I'm sorry. You might as well pass that on to God too. So I guess this is goodbye."

I waited a moment after I was done speaking like I was hoping for a response. I shook my head. How fucking stupid was I? And as I left the graveyard, I was left alone with this thought:

It is only in death that we are untouchable.

~Author's Note~

You have Miss Bright to thank for this. Her own Mello grave scene inspired me to write my own, though my mine is a bit more gruesome and not as well written. If you hadn't read her story, "Subtract, Add, Unite, and Conquer," yet, then go do it. Right now.