Miroku's journey back to the podium is greeted with eager applause; the audience is hoping the second half will be even more entertaining than the first. The stragglers are still trickling in, but the monk kicks off the roast once more.

"Well, we're back from intermission. If it feels like we've been away for a long time, it's probably just because you had to suffer through ten minutes of Naraku before the break."

"FUCK YOU!" floats Naraku's voice through the auditorium's fancy new entrance.

After slowly pulling himself out of the rubble, he had dusted his clothing off but remained outside. Eventually, several individuals went out and an argument ensued. No one in the auditorium could make out the words, but Naraku could be seen adamantly shaking his head. It appears he is loath to come back inside and finish the roast, contract or no.

"I'd watch what I say if I were you," Miroku replied. "Our next roaster might take a statement like that literally. All right ladies and gentleman, our next roaster is quite possibly the most eccentric character on the show, and with these bunch of misfits, that's really saying something. Some might call him the show's token gay character, but there's nothing 'token' about him. Please give it up for Jakotsu!"

The audience rises in applause as the spotlight traverses the stage, only to reveal an empty seat on the couch.

"What? Where the hell is he?" Miroku demands.

"He never came back after the intermission," Kagura answers.

"Oh, for the love of… Hey, Jakotsu! Get your big cock-loving ass out here right no—"

Ba ba ba-da du-DA-DA!

Miroku puts his face in his hand, familiar with the tune. "Oh, no, tell me he didn't…"

Let's go, girls.

A guitar starts strumming out a low, syncopated, annoyingly catchy rhythm, soon joined by a solid drumbeat, and then Shania Twain's voice pulses out over the speakers.

I'm goin' out tonight, I'm feelin' alright,

Gonna let it all hang out.

Suddenly there is movement on the stage, the curtains swooshing at stage-left, behind the dais. Out prances Jakotsu in all his glory, clad in an immaculate black formal kimono. The garment sparkles as he moves, and no one can fail to notice how one side is drawn up, revealing one of his exquisitely shaven legs. He is artfully made up, his typical teardrop markings darkened in a manner that gives him a roguish appearance. His lips are painted in bright rouge, completing the scintillating look. He is flanked by four beautiful hunks dressed in obscenely tight black leather pants and crimson muscle shirts. He stops for a moment, gazing out at the collection of widened eyes staring back at him, and smirks. Three of the four remaining males on stage gulp nervously.

No inhibitions, make no conditions,

Get a little outta line.

Jakotsu locks eyes with the one who didn't, the immaculate Sesshoumaru. The daiyoukai appears to remain cool and composed even as the mercenary approaches, but from his vantage point Jakotsu can see what no one else can: Sesshoumaru's brow sweat. He knows every ounce of Sesshoumaru's control is being tested by a manicured hand trailing seductively across his chest, and his smirk widens.

The best thing about bein' a woman,

Is the prerogative to have a little fun, yeah.

Next in line is Kouga, and the ookami shrinks back as the amorous human shifts his focus to him. Jakotsu revels in the fear. He draws one delicately painted fingernail across the wolf's cheek before moving on in search of more attractive quarry.

Oh, oh, oh, really go wild, yeah, doin' it in style.

Crossing the stage, Jakotsu approaches the man of honor, the one he always thought was the most appealing. Inuyasha glares back at him, an almost deranged look in his eyes as he silently tells the mercenary not to come any closer. Jakotsu ignores the warning; he knows that any physical violence and Inuyasha voids his contract and therefore doesn't get paid for tonight's event. Boldly, he struts up to the hanyou, circling the chair of honor, adoring the way Inuyasha's ears twitch to and fro as he tries to follow his movements amid the din of the music and the crowd. After a full circle Jakotsu moves behind the hanyou again, reaching out a hand and giving one of the fuzzy appendages a tentative pinch. The ear flicks away, but that provides no dissuasion. With a small jump Jakotsu leans himself over the back of the chair and gives the other ear a long, slow lick. In an instant Inuyasha is up, swinging around to break the human's jaw - contract be damned! But Jakotsu has already skipped gracefully away, finally making his way toward the podium, just in time to join in the final words of the chorus.

Man, I feel like a woman!

Jakotsu waves to the audience, laughing gleefully, and they roar their approval. The reaction on the stage around him is slightly less enthusiastic. The men stew silently, the youkai each rubbing the violated part of their body as if scrubbing off an unpleasant memory, while Miroku counts his lucky stars that he had managed to get back to his seat unassaulted while Jakotsu had been approaching Inuyasha. Kagome, on the other hand, is being bodily restrained by Sango, not liking the fact that Jakotsu's tongue was just on her hanyou's ear. Kagura is still chuckling quietly to herself as she repeatedly relives her master's unceremonious exit, and even Kikyou has cracked a small smile.

"Okay, boys, you're dismissed," Jakotsu says to his sizzling hot companions. "I'll see you in my trailer when the show is over."

The boy-toys depart, their tight butts drawing the stares of more than half the audience as they head backstage.

"Now where did that luscious houshi go? Let's see…oh, there he is!" Jakotsu declares, pointing back to the dais where the spotlight has found Miroku twitching anxiously on his barstool. The monk looks ready bolt at any moment, so Jakotsu settles for blowing him a kiss. "I'll get you later, Miroku!" The monk shivers and slumps a few inches lower in his seat.

"All right, what a crowd, what a crowd! You have no idea how excited I am to be here, doing a show devoted to my darling Inuyasha. But before I start, I think I need to clear something up. There's a common misperception out there that I'll fuck anything with a cock, but that's just not true. I have standards! For example, I would never sleep with Naraku. He's such a…"

Jakotsu stops mid-speech, motion off to the side drawing his attention. Kirara marches onto the stage in her large form, pulling an unhappy Naraku back to his stool by his torn suit jacket. The hanyou makes a muffled 'oomph' noise as the feline drops him on his face, then slowly, painfully picks himself up and seats himself on the stool with some miniscule level of dignity. Kagura is struggling to contain her mirth now, and none of the other roasters look the least bit sympathetic.

"Well, well, look what the cat dragged in." Jakotsu quips, earning himself a rude gesture from Naraku. "That's Kirara working security everybody!" A nice applause goes up for everyone's favorite neko-youkai, who nods her head and returns to her duties.

"Okay, now where was I? Oh, yes, I was just telling everyone why I wouldn't touch Naraku with any pole, much less my own. He's such a sad, miserable little man. Naraku, you want everyone to fear you. You covet power and strive for domination, but do you ever notice how alone you are? Do you think anyone in the world actually wants you to live?"

Jakotsu pauses for a few moments, letting his words sink in. Then he ditches the serious mood and comes back with a much livelier demeanor.

"And he's such a horrible dresser! What, the full-body fur cloak look? Ugh, that is so last century. And what's with the big creepy eye in the center of your chest? That says 'I see everything except for the fact that I'm destined to die at the end of the series.' And why does everything you wear have to be dark? We get it; you're goth or emo or some kinda crap like that. Your skin needs some serious work, though, and the dark colors just highlight how pale it is. So wear some light colors for a change, you fashion-challenged moron! Then maybe you won't be such an eyesore.

"And another thing. I just heard how you gave Miroku's grandfather the curse of the kazaana. So you tricked him by transforming into a woman, huh? Sheesh…typical heterosexual dope falling for something like that. But I digress. So you have the occasional drag moment, do you, Naraku? Not always the tough, macho man you want everyone to think you are? Well, let me tell you something, honey. I pull off the drag look way better than you do, without shape-shifting.

"All right, that's enough about Naraku. Let's talk about someone more appealing, like…our tasty host over there." Jakotsu says, motioning to Miroku, who is still cowering off to the side.

"I remember the first time I laid eyes on him." he says, sighing wistfully. "He and Inuyasha made quite the pair, all intense looking and oh so enticing. I told Miroku he was sexy, and that I wanted to see his agonized face, and he asked Inuyasha if he could suck me up. The nerve! I was just paying you a compliment, my little monk-dumpling. As for your question, you can suck me up anytime, baby. And who knows, maybe afterwards I'll return the favor." Jakotsu teases with a wink.

Miroku can be heard gagging, a sound which he quickly regrets.

"I didn't say I'd make you deep throat me, Miroku. But you certainly can if you want."

Now the monk is silent, though he is turning a nice shade of green.

"If only you weren't such a womanizer. I would be even more attracted to you if you didn't have the stink of women on you all the time. Sniffing your hand is almost like sniffing Sango's butt, which is something you would do, but I have no interest in that whatsoever. Honestly, I can appreciate you being a little bit of a pervert, but why do you have to chase after women? It's such a waste! I have no idea why you keep going back to a woman who smacks you silly if you touch her in the wrong way. Well, actually, that's not true. I think I know exactly why you continually subject yourself to such punishment."

Jakotsu lets a dramatic silence hang in the air before continuing.

"You're into pain, a regular masked masochist. And Sango, well she's a dominatrix in denial. If that black leather suit doesn't make her a sadist trapped in the closet I don't know what does. You always grope her so she'll slap you…do you ever wish she'd slap you somewhere other than the face? Like bend you over her knee and smack your bottom red? And what about that staff of yours? Do you ever wonder what else you could do with it? If you let Sango stick it up your ass, it would jingle every time she spanked you. It would be like Christmas bells!

"And you!" he cries, pointing an accusing finger at Sango. "You're such a cock-tease, little miss 'all that'. Acting so high and mighty, don't you dare touch me! Yet look at you…shamelessly flaunting your ass in that tight black leather. I mean, you couldn't give me a hard-on if you tried, but that's beside the point. Instead of a giant boomerang, your weapon of choice should be a whip. I doubt Miroku would complain. He also wouldn't complain if you actually gave him any once in awhile. But noooooo, the virgin has to wait for marriage. Screw that! You know what I think the real problem is? You're not woman enough to handle a guy like Miroku. Relationships between virgins and players don't usually work very well. He wants you so bad, but you won't even let him kiss you, let alone give him any kind of sexual pleasure. And you know he's never going to be faithful to you, so why do you bother? Just dump him already and let me have him! I'd whip him into shape.

"And speaking of whips, Sesshoumaru is another person who knows how to handle S&M paraphernalia. I just love his energy whip. That thing would really leave a mark on some poor submissive! Sesshoumaru's smacked Inuyasha with it a few times, and that's the right idea, but what he really needs to do is get Inuyasha naked and tied to a nice Saint Andrew's Cross before laying into him…"

Jakotsu trails off, savoring the erotic image before shaking his head and coming back to reality.

"Anyway, Sesshoumaru is a sexy guy, but he has several faults about him that are just major turn-offs for me. First off, have you ever heard the expression 'less is more,' Sesshoumaru? As in, less makeup might make you look better. See this," Jakotsu says, pointing to his own face. "This is perfection. But you have those angry red slashes going, and they totally clash with that tranquil moon on your forehead. The whole look is just blasé to me.

"Do you remember when we fought, Sesshoumaru? You could have torn me to pieces, even inside Mount Hakurei's barrier, but you kept getting distracted by Suikotsu holding that girl hostage. And that wasn't the first time one of your enemies used her against you. Why would you allow her to become such a weakness? She's a girl, for heaven's sake! I mean, some of us men need to bite the bullet to procreate and continue the human – or youkai – race, but to be willing to die for a female? I just don't get that at all. And another thing I don't understand is how you can hate Inuyasha. Look at him, he's so cute and sexy and adorable and I just wanna cuthimupandfuckhim!"

The first few rows of the audience shrink back at the crazed look in Jakotsu's eyes, but he quickly recomposes himself.

"Hehehe, sorry about that. I just can't help myself with my little koinu sitting so close to me," he says, briefly batting his eyes at Inuyasha. "But I was talking about Sesshoumaru, wasn't I? The final turn-off is his personality. I like 'em feisty. I wanna know that when I slice my victim up he'll be cussing me out until he can no longer talk. And when I'm tearing up that ass, I wanna know he'll fight me for every inch. Cold men are no fun. If I can't make a man scream for mercy, I'm not interested. It's as simple as that.

"Another guy who's not my type because of his personality is Kouga. Okay, wolf-boy, remember how you said it must be torture for me to be in your presence? Please! You're not even worth a second glance when Inuyasha's around. How can you be so fucking arrogant? And the pure stupidity, chasing a woman - which is dumb anyway - who clearly doesn't even want you. The best thing you have going for you is that short skirt - I mean loincloth. But even that can't mask your obvious faults. You freaking ran away the first time Inuyasha pulled his sword on you! So you tell me, Kouga, why would I have any interest in someone like you? When it comes to swordplay, you're nothing but a giant pussy, and believe me honey, the last thing I'm interested in is a giant pussy.

"And since we're on the subject of pussy," Jakotsu says with a miserable sigh, "I might as well talk about the other women. I'll start with Kagura. So you can animate dead bodies, eh, wind sorceress? A lot of people say you're a useless bitch with no special skills, but I'll set them straight. You're a blessing to all the necrophiliacs of the world! Corpse-fuckers need luvin' too. But at least you're not a corpse yourself, unlike Kikyou. Ick! Even if I was into women, I wouldn't go anywhere near that!" Jakotsu declares, shuddering visibly.

"Your reincarnation, on the other hand, has a whole different set of problems. Kagome, you fucking piss me off. Just what are you trying to accomplish wearing that ridiculously short skirt of yours? Advertise yourself to every male within seeing distance? Or in the case of these youkai…sniffing distance? Are you trying to give Shippou a reason to have a late growth spurt? And they call me indecent! Sure, there's nothing wrong with showing a little leg, but come on! Every time you charge into battle, you're showing off your 'assets', if you catch my drift. And speaking of catching drifts, keep your stink off of my hanyou! When I come up on him from behind, the last thing I want to smell is your nasty stench! I didn't think it was possible, but I finally found something that makes me gag…you. I guess what I'm trying to say is…STAY AWAY FROM MY HANYOU!"

The command is shouted at Kagome with such force that even the willful miko recoils, though only for a moment. Then she returns Jakotsu's vehement glare with one of her own, and one can almost see sparks of lightning shooting between them.

Jakotsu scoffs as he turns back to the audience.

"Stubborn bitch," he mutters under his breath, though no one misses the insult. "And he is my hanyou," he continues, "even if he doesn't realize it yet. Oh, Inuyasha, we could have had such fun together, you and I. I was so close to fulfilling my wildest fantasies on Mount Hakurei. Do you wanna hear what they are?" he asks mischievously, glancing demurely over his shoulder at Inuyasha.

The hanyou is almost afraid to respond, because he knows Jakotsu will turn his words around into something perverted if he does. So he just sits there, fists and jaw tightly clenched, eyes closed in an attempt to tune out the world around him. The throbbing veins in his forehead and neck suggest that the tactic isn't working very well.

"All right, my little koinu, I'll take your silence as a 'yes.' You were in your human form, and I had already sliced you up real good. You were covered in blood, and it tasted so gooooood…"

Jakotsu temporarily zones out, licking his lips as he savors the remembered taste.

"You would have bled to death if your hanyou powers hadn't returned, but it would have taken awhile, which was perfect. Even so weak you resisted me, and that just made me want you even more. I would have taken my sweet, sweet time, slicing off your clothes piece by piece. Maybe cutting your skin, too, just to hear that exhilarating involuntary hitch in your breath, or a muffled curse. When all your clothes were gone I would have run my hands all over that hard body of yours, smearing your blood, tasting it, tasting you, driving you wild with lust and loathing. You would have liked it, and you would have hated me for it. And then, when I had worked both of us up until we couldn't stand it anymore, I would have disrobed as well. You would have struggled mightily, fought so hard to keep me out, but in the end it wouldn't have made a difference. We join. Kami, you're so tight. Your insides throb, trying to push me out. I pull back, but only for a moment. Then I'm fully inside you again. Over and over and over we move together in a frenzy of pleasure and pain. I reach around and clutch you, my hand giving your body what it desperately wants, needs. Faster and faster we go, driving toward the brink. We spill our seed together, and in the throes of ecstasy I grab your hair and pull your head back, twisting it so I can look into those beautiful eyes, so dark with agony as I draw my blade across your throat. I watch as you gasp for breath, those mesmerizing eyes widening in terror. Then, the brightness dims, and your gaze becomes blank. I lay with you, still within you, as your lifeless body grows cold."

The auditorium is deathly silent now; spectators and roasters alike can scarcely breathe, let alone make a sound. Inuyasha is a mess. One of his eyes is wide with horror, and the other is twitching furiously. Thin pools of blood have formed on either side of his chair, fed by the puncture marks his claws have made in the skin of his palms. His mouth moves silently, as if reassuring his molested mind that it was all just a dreadful nightmare. He appears torn between bolting for the nearest exit, leaning over the side of the chair and hurling on the spot, and curling into the fetal position and weeping. Jakotsu, meanwhile, is still lost in his fantasies. A full-body shiver courses through him, snapping him back to reality.

"Whoa! Whew…almost lost it there," is all he says. Then he turns and walks back to the couch, eliciting a chorus of shocked gasps at the noticeable tent in his kimono. He reclaims his seat, crossing his legs daintily, looking extremely satisfied with himself. He now has nearly the entire half of the couch to himself, as Kagome and Sango are huddled together for comfort, and even Kikyou is visibly shying away from the depraved mercenary, her stoic demeanor shattered, though no one can blame her for it.

Miroku can be seen approaching Inuyasha's chair, gently tapping the hanyou on the shoulder. Inuyasha nearly jumps out of his chair, frantically looking around. Finally, he realizes where he is, and relaxes. The two men exchange a few hushed words, and apparently Miroku is satisfied that his friend is all right. He walks back to the podium, ready to resume his role as host.

"Okay…well, now that we're all officially scarred for life, I'd like to add a few things about the Band of Seven, and then hopefully we can be done with them forever.

"Kouga said you guys were like the Seven Dwarfs. That's a bunch of bull! Answer me this: what would you have done if you'd found Snow White sleeping in a bed in your house?"

Murmuring from the audience can be heard as everyone in attendance thinks over Miroku's quandary, the majority coming to the same conclusion as the houshi.

"Yeah, that's right. You would have had a fight over who got to kill her, and Mukotsu would probably be married to her corpse. So no, you guys are not like the Seven Dwarfs at all. You're actually more like the Seven Deadly Sins…"

Laughter rings out as the camera captures the remaining six 'of Seven' members in the audience, displaying their images on the monitor screen behind Miroku as he runs over his list.

"Bankotsu is pride, Mukotsu is Envy, Ginkotsu is Gluttony, Kyoukotsu is Anger…Hey, the guy died and nobody even cared. Yeah, he's pissed off all right. Let's see…who's left? I would say Suikotsu is Sloth, the man's 'other' personality just wants to sit around and heal people all day…not that I personally consider that a bad thing, but one must admit, it's hardly a proactive feat in the mercenary world. Of course, Renkotsu is Greed, which just leaves…"

"Pick me! Pick me!" is suddenly shouted from the couch and Miroku chuckles a bit despite himself.

"Of course, last but not least, we have Lust, and we all know who that is. Although, I'm not sure Lust does Jakotsu justice. There probably isn't a word in Japanese or English or any language that encompasses the full measure of this guy's perversion. And after that sickening description of his 'fantasies,' I am incredibly grateful to Comedy Central for imposing an age limit for this event. I think they saved Inuyasha and the Higurashi family years of expensive therapy for Souta and Shippou.

"So our favorite fox kit couldn't be here this evening, but that doesn't mean we're leaving him out. Shippou has submitted a video, which we will now play on the big screen. Roll tape!"

The screen flickers to life, and Shippou appears immediately thanks to some crisp video editing. His head and shoulders are visible against a white wall, the camera zoomed in fairly close. He is wearing his feudal era attire, short stature his excuse for not dressing up. It would probably be difficult to find his size in anything besides baby clothes.

"Hello everybody," he begins with a wave to the camera, "sorry I couldn't be there tonight. I hope Miroku was able to introduce this video without saying something perverted about it; he's the reason I couldn't be there in person."

Miroku looks mildly offended; he had in fact refrained from saying anything hentai about Shippou. "I am so misunderstood," he states in the break in Shippou's dialogue, receiving a generous amount of laughter for the classic line. Then the fox begins speaking again.

"The producers wanted me, but they couldn't promise Comedy Central a clean enough show for my 'young ears' to withstand. Apparently all the cussing didn't bother them. No, it was the lewd commentary that pushed the envelope. I guess they didn't consider the fact that I'm used to it by now. It's always 'such a beautiful young woman' this and 'will you bear my child' that. Honestly, Miroku, you're the reason my kind likes to transform into 'beautiful young women'…guys like you are super fun to pull pranks on. And yeah, okay, so you're the hottest, smoothest guy on the show. Big deal! Look at the rest of these losers! Being the most desirable male out of these guys is like being the most handsome wolf-demon in Kouga's tribe. As Inuyasha might say, they're a bunch of ugly bastards, and so are all of you. And I'm not just talking on the outside. Every single one of you has something seriously wrong upstairs.

"I could talk for hours about each of you, but I have a feeling the other roasters are going to cover just about everything. So since I don't want to use up all my time cracking jokes when I have no way of knowing if they're truly original or just variations of something that's already been said, I'm going to use my time wisely and share with all of you something that I know nobody else has access to: my photo album. You see, once upon a time Kagome gave me a cheap little camera, just something fun for me to 'play with,' as she put it. It all started when she brought a camera back to the Feudal era to take some pictures of everyone. I guess she wanted to show our world to her mother back in this time, and because of our curiosity she explained to all of us what a camera is. Now, I'll have you know that not only am I a rising artist in the more traditional sense, but I'm also an expert photographer. Here, I'll show you…"

On the monitor screen, the camera angle pans back slightly, revealing the fact that Shippou is sitting in front of a desk with a closed photo album before him. Opening the book, everyone can see that it is full of 8x10 prints, one photograph per page, though nobody can make out what they look like from this angle. Pealing back the protective film covering the first picture, he removes it, holding the photo towards himself at first, his expression thoughtful.

"You know, Miroku, now that I think about it, I stand corrected. You're the second most desirable guy on the show, after yours truly. I mean, I get a new girlfriend at just about every village we stop in. I could start my own mini-harem if I wanted to. But unlike you, I know how to keep my hands to myself. The key is to use words to get what you want, like a kiss here and there. Words, then touch. Words, then touch. You can't just start with touch, because then you get slapped. And for a graphic illustration, here's my first picture…"

Shippou flips over the 8x10 for the camera to zoom in on, and the flat screen monitor is suddenly aglow with the first of many artfully captured 'Kodak moments.' This particular photo was taken from ground level behind Miroku. Sango's hand is already past his cheek, and his head has snapped to the side. We see Miroku's face contorting and droplets of spittle flying through the air. In the background, Sango is flushing in anger while Inuyasha and Kagome look on in surprise.

"Of course, sometimes it's even worse than a slap across the cheek. You sure paid dearly for this one, and Inuyasha paid unfairly. While I like getting Kagome to subdue him, it's only fun when you get him to do something all by himself so that he actually deserves it. It's bad enough having one hentai in the group, so please try to refrain from showing others the 'wonders' of your ways. Considering the end result, I named this picture 'Prelude to a black eye.'"

In the still-image suddenly engulfing the screen, Miroku has grabbed an alarmed Inuyasha's wrist and is holding the hanyou's hand against Kagome's ass. Sango can be seen brandishing a fist in the background. The fist is for Miroku, but the rosary beads are already glowing from Kagome's 'Sit' command.

Over in the Hot Seat, Inuyasha grumbles under his breath about how he never 'deserves' getting sat. Glancing her way in that moment, Inuyasha locks eyes with the slightly embarrassed though also somewhat amused miko's gaze. She shrugs.

"Now, at one point, Kagome must have forgotten that she'd given me that camera…" comes Shippou's voice through the speaker system, pulling everyone's attention back to the monitor, the future-born miko's look of amusement quickly making way for one of mild concern.

"…otherwise, I'm sure she would've been more careful to make sure I wasn't around at times like this," the kitsune continues, holding up his next picture. "I call it 'Peek-a-Boo I see you', and it's open to viewer interpretation whether you think I mean how I see her, or how she sees them."

The picture is of one of the larger hot springs the inu-gang has stopped at on multiple occasions throughout their travels. Miroku and Inuyasha's topless forms can both be seen from mid-chest up as they sit apparently talking in the steamy pool towards the upper left corner of the image, but they are not the main subject matter of the photo, and are slightly out of focus. In the foreground, a side view of the shrubbery surrounding the hot spring taken from a downward angle by one of the branches of a nearby tree, patches of a very different shade of green, paired with white and a tiny splash of red can easily be seen through the leaves. A hand is visible to the camera, but not to the unsuspecting bathers, the appendage connected to a white sleeve and positioned holding a thin branch bent downward and out of the way. But the presence of this hand does not necessarily point to a single guilty party alone. Upon closer examination of the photo, sprinkles of pink can also be seen through the gaps in the foliage, revealing that there are in fact two spies.

Over on the dais, Kagome and Sango seek comfort from a co-conspirator as they turn towards one another while slumping down in their seats and raising their hands in front of their faces. Their male co-roasters go as crazy as the audience, hooting and whistling. Miroku sends an especially perverted wink Sango's way when the slayer bravely – or stupidly – glances up in his direction, causing the audience to laugh even harder. Over in the Hot Seat, an evil grin has appeared on Inuyasha's visage, revealing a fang. He's so elated at the notion of the runt having dirt on Kagome that it's overriding any embarrassment at the thought of being peeped at.

"Now in this next picture…" Shippou's voice continues, breaking the spell. "…remembering I had the camera wouldn't have helped her very much. I call this picture 'The Perfect Storm.'"

We see that this is a zoomed out picture featuring the entire inu-gang, plus one. Kagome is facing us, an alarmed and embarrassed look on her face as she holds the front of her skirt down with both hands, which of course does nothing to keep the back from flying up. The reason for her fluttering garment is just off to the right, where the last vestiges of Kouga's whirlwind are dissipating. The wolf is standing on one foot and leaning awkwardly to the side, as if he saw something that stopped him in his tracks. Obviously he did, since he is staring squarely at Kagome's ass. Farther in the background, Inuyasha and Miroku can also be seen staring, even bending forward to get a better look. Sango is covering her face with her hand in exasperation.

In this moment in time, on the dais, Sango places her hand on Kagome's shoulder, a silent show of support as the girls' eyes meet for a moment, while they do their best to ignore the continuous snickering of the men seated behind them. Kouga is clearly amused, and in no way repentant for the role he played, while Miroku, as well as Inuyasha, both have faraway looks in their eyes, undoubtedly remembering the moment for themselves.

"And that wasn't the only time I caught Inuyasha looking up her skirt!" Shippou declares, the camera back on him now. Snapping out of his reverie, Inuyasha's ears lower to his head as he glares at the screen, instantly not liking where this is going.

"This one is entitled 'Caught in the act.' Just what are you looking at, Inuyasha?"

In this photo, said hanyou is lying with his nose in the dirt, having clearly been subdued moments prior. His eyes are panned upward, and Kagome is standing above him with her skirt flapping in the breeze.

Instantly forgetting her previous embarrassment, Kagome's fury sparks to life in the face of Shippou's latest revelation. Never mind the fact that she had only moments prior been caught peeping herself, or that she should have known better than to stand so closely over Inuyasha's head while wearing a skirt. This wasn't about logic, damn it!

Noticing the miko's instant shift in mood, it's Inuyasha's turn to slump in his seat slightly, both embarrassed and guilty, not to mention angry with Shippou. This is all the runt's fault.

Speaking of…

"I like to call this one 'Near miss.'"

In this picture, Kagome has just fired an arrow at a stationary target, but she missed more than a little to the right. Inuyasha is hanging onto a tree trunk ten feet from the ground, the arrow buried solidly in the tree right below his crotch. He is looking back at Kagome with fear and fury in his eyes while she just looks sheepish.

Over on the dais, the miko's temper immediately cools at the sight of this latest photo, a similar sheepish grin being sent Inuyasha's way. Said hanyou meets her gaze, but repays her with a glare, the memory of that day forever engraved in his mind.

"Aw, Kagome, you missed!" Kouga chimes in suddenly, chuckling as he teases the miko sitting in front of him who pointedly ignores the comment. "Who knew you almost took out the competition for me?"

"Fuck you!" Inuyasha shouts back from his place in the Hot Seat.

"No thanks, you're getting me confused with Jakotsu," Kouga replies.

Said mercenary crinkles his nose in utter disgust at the notion of being confused with the barbaric wolf-youkai.

Inuyasha shudders at the mention of the undead mercenary for a different reason, but is soon to retort with, "That's not hard to do! Considering that aside from tonight, you're always dressed in a skirt even shorter than Kagome's!"

"Why you no good—"

"Boys, boys…" Miroku chimes in suddenly, gesturing with a hand to the stilled monitor on the back of the stage. "Shall we continue?"

Wordlessly, the ookami and inu both cross their arms and huff out a breath of frustration while slouching their postures slightly.

"Now this one is one of my favorites…" Shippou's voice continues then, as the boy's image up on the monitor is shown pulling out yet another photograph. "I like to call it, 'I think I lost something.'"

Lighting up the monitor, Inuyasha's image is frozen comically, staring at his empty hands. A hulking youkai stands before him, and Tetsusaiga is sticking up out of the earth between them. The other members of the inu-gang are visibly gaping in the background.

"Took that bastard out even without Tetsusaiga…" Inuyasha mumbles quietly to himself.

"Now, they say a picture is worth a thousand words," Shippou says next. "I say this next one is priceless. I call it 'Mistaken identity.'"

The picture was taken indoors, in what appears to be a village Inn, a floor screen folded off to the side that would provide privacy between the men and women later that night. Presently, the women are unaccounted for. Inuyasha is in the foreground, stiffening in alarm. Miroku is behind him, googly-eyed, with one hand on the hanyou's ass and the other closed around a jug of sake.

The audience erupts into laughter as this latest image is displayed larger than life upon the monitor. Inuyasha twitches, looking like he's about ready to leap out of his chair and smash the video screen, though he somehow manages to contain himself. Over on the dais, the other roasters are all having a good laugh as well, especially at Miroku's confused expression. He has no memory of this occurrence, though he isn't above laughing at himself as he too chuckles a bit, silently vowing to watch how much he drinks in the future.

"This next picture I affectionately call 'Don't let him in the house!'"

In this latest image, Inuyasha is standing outside Kaede's doorway after having been caught in a rainstorm. He looks every bit like a miserable, wet dog. The angle of this particular picture clearly reveals that it was taken from the inside of Kaede's hut, presumably by a photographer who was nice and dry at the time the picture was taken.

"Don't worry everyone, Kagome took pity on him and let him in, which she might not have done if she'd seen this next picture… I call this one 'What is he doing?' You tell me."

This photo was clearly taken from behind some bushes, as foliage is obstructing some of the image. The scene is once again of a hot spring the inu-tachi frequent on a fairly regular basis, this one smaller and more secluded than the last. Inuyasha is currently sitting in the steamy water alone, his held tilted back slightly, his eyes pinched shut with his mouth hanging open in a silent scream. Anything below the water's edge is artistically obscured by the blurry foreground of leaves from the bushes the photographer is crouching behind, but from the visible angle of Inuyasha's elbow, there's really no question as to where his hand is located.

Over on stage-right, Inuyasha's face bursts into flame while the audience bursts into laughter, and then to add insult to injury, the not-so-innocent child up on the video monitor begins taunting him as though he were there in person.

"You're just lucky Kagome hadn't given me a video camera, which would have also included audio…" Shippou teases, the camera recording him having panned out to show his image on the monitor once again, the boy still holding the latest 8x10 print against his chest to make sure everyone in the audience has time to permanently memorize the inu-hanyou's 'O' face.

Over in the Hot Seat, which has suddenly become much hotter, Inuyasha jumps to his feet for the second time that evening, clearly about ready to launch an attack on the video monitor. Suddenly, Kirara is by his side, roaring gently in a manner that clearly means she understands his feelings but he's still not going anywhere. The nekomata is taking her job of security for the evening very seriously. Huffing, Inuyasha looks off to the side, grumbling under his breath at the sight of the executive 'suits' for the network he can see speaking into their headsets. Muttering something to himself about the next time he sees Shippou that the microphones don't quite pick up, the inu-hanyou plops back down into his seat. With the entire disturbance happening within the span of five seconds, the kitsune's video continues playing uninterrupted.

With the latest photo finally put away, the camera has now zoomed in on Shippou's face for the child's 'sincere' moment of the roast.

"So Inuyasha, what have we learned about you? You like to look up Kagome's skirt, you stare at her when you think nobody's looking, and then of course there's that 'mystery thing' in the hot spring… I may just be a 'little kid', but those actions sound more like those of a stalker than a love interest. I would expect that sort of thing from say, Kouga, for example. Even with all your faults, he's way more stalker-ish than you are. Still, I take it that you haven't made much progress with Kagome since I asked you the first time how far you'd gone with her? If I had known it was going to take you this long to make a move, I would've done what a few different fanfiction authors have come up with over the years and used my kitsune magic to trick a confession of love out of you."

Sighing, Shippou rubs his hand against the back of his head before admitting, "Though…you did avenge my father's death, and then there's the whole 'taking me in' thing when you guys didn't have to let me tag along with you. I'm sure I cramped your style, assuming you would've actually gathered the courage to approach Kagome had I not become a third wheel all of a sudden. Most say it's because you know what it's like to grow up an orphan in the wild, and deep down, you'd wanted to spare me from that fate. Sure, you're fun to tease, especially when I can make you angry enough to try and attack me so that Kagome will use the rosary, but really, you're a good guy, Inuyasha. Thanks for putting up with all my crap."

The audience applauds as the monitor goes black for a moment, before switching back over to a close-up view of the camera angles provided for the viewers at home, Miroku's enlarged visage coming into focus as those present in the auditorium once again shift their attention to the houshi up at the podium.

"Well, that was certainly revealing. I think we all underestimated little Shippou. He's not nearly as innocent as we thought! I will have to be more careful and watch what I say and do around him from now on. It just goes to show you that even children can get the dirt on you if you're not careful. Right, Sesshoumaru?"

The daiyoukai's eyes widen ever so slightly, though no one notices. The narrowing of his eyes afterwards is perceptible to those in close proximity, however. The houshi is treading on thin ice.

"I can only imagine what kind of dirt Rin has on Sesshoumaru. If only we could've gotten her to do a video! But alas, she's far too sweet to say anything bad about anyone. Though what she sees in Sesshoumaru I'll never know. I suppose he did save her life, so perhaps she glimpses the good side of him that none of us have ever seen. Though he does occasionally do things to make you believe he's not a total bastard, like sparing Inuyasha's life when he turned full-youkai. I guess Sesshoumaru is the kind of person who wants people to think he's a stoic, emotionless guy, but deep down inside, he truly cares about a human girl, his half-brother, and yes, even his amphibian-youkai retainer."

Over on the dais, Sesshoumaru's eyes narrow further, clearly indicating that out of everything that has been said about him thus far, Miroku's comment that he secretly 'cares' about those closest to him is by far the most insulting. Out in the audience, the aforementioned amphibian-youkai retainer can be heard praising the kami at this revelation with a cry of "I knew it was so! Blessed be, oh mighty Sesshoumaru-sama!"
That of course only adds fuel to the inu-youkai's fire, though Jaken is promptly ignored as Miroku continues without delay, gulping nervously as he catches Sesshoumaru's narrowed gaze.

"Still, I would not want to be in the same room with him right now if I didn't know he was under contract to not cause any of us physical harm. In fact, I'm still not sure how I feel about being in the same room with him, so let's get this over with. Please welcome, Sesshoumaru!"

After witnessing firsthand the unflattering sense of humor of the roast's executive producers with regard to selecting musical accompaniment, Sesshoumaru is mildly curious as to what song has been chosen for his own introduction, as he had also deliberately failed to select one for himself, having possessed no interest in doing so. As the instantly recognizable electric guitar cord suddenly blares to life throughout the auditorium's sound system, he gives no outward appearance to acknowledging that, just perhaps, that decision had been unwise.

The other roasters are desperately trying not to laugh out loud.

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady!

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady!

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady!

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady!

Mentally rolling his eyes, though refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of witnessing such an occurrence for themselves, Sesshoumaru rises gracefully to his feet, fully aware that the music will continue to play until he reaches his designated position at the podium. To hurry would be to reveal his disdain. Revealing his disdain, however, is not something he has a problem with regarding the monk. As the two pass one another on the stage, Miroku does his best to give the glaring daiyoukai a wide birth without making it obvious, as he practically scurries back to his seat. The elder inu-youkai effortlessly exudes power from his every pore wearing an elegant, shimmering white kimono that bears a striking resemblance to his Canon ensemble, save for the lack of fur and armor adornments. It was a requirement that they 'dress up' for the occasion, but no other specifics had been given. From Sesshoumaru's point of view, they are lucky he has agreed to alter his wardrobe at all. Although, perhaps if he had shown up in what the producers would have deemed more masculine attire…

Cruised into a bar on the shore,

Her picture graced the grime on the door.

She a long lost love at first bite.

Baby maybe you're wrong, but you know it's all right.

That's right.

Reaching the podium and finally putting an end to such utter nonsense as the so-called music begins fading off until nothing can be heard aside from the combination of laughter and applause from the audience, Sesshoumaru takes a moment to simply take it all in. There are no papers on the podium before him; he has compiled no notes for the evening. His intellectual level is such that no 'notes' are needed for an occasion such as this. As the audience begins to settle down, he knows precisely how to greet the crowd.

"We have heard a lot of supposedly comical things here tonight, but the one thing that is the most amusing to me is that all of you will die thousands of years before I do. You have no idea how happy that makes me."

In a display that everyone in attendance finds outstandingly disturbing, the edges of Sesshoumaru's lips curl upward ever so slightly in a sinister smirk that looks quite out of place on the daiyoukai in any setting other than a fierce battle in which his enemy has just committed a fatal strategic error. Some of the more squeamish members of the audience shift uncomfortably in their seats, while the roasters up on the dais exchange nervous glances with one another.

As quickly as it appears, the smirk is gone, Sesshoumaru's golden eyes narrowing once more as the successor Inu no Taisho takes a moment to truly think over some of the things that have been said thus far.

"This Sesshoumaru has received repeated criticism for whom he chooses to keep in his company. Although this one is not required to explain himself to those who are beneath his status, which would be everyone present here this evening, I am, however, honor bound to play along with this idiotic spectacle you call a roast."

Shifting his eyes to briefly meet the gazes of a few of his fellow roasters, he continues.

"You should learn to be more careful of whom you choose to verbally assault. Were it not for the little girl herself whom your minds are so quick to defile, I would not have permitted breath to reenter your bodies upon uttering such vile and ludicrous filth. The peace treaty that Comedy Central calls a contract clause is of zero concern of mine; they are powerless to threaten any form of retribution that would affect this Sesshoumaru in any way. The thought of financially remunerating this Sesshoumaru is incomparably the greatest joke of the evening, their 'charitable donations' neither bespoken nor desiderated.

"Moreover, it is solely for Rin's sake, as she has underhandedly been made aware – however vaguely – of the concept of tonight's proceedings, that I have agreed to abide by the so-called 'rules' of this fiasco. To put it bluntly, as I realize most of you would be incapable of understanding anything otherwise, she knows there will be degrading, dishonorable and untrue statements aimed towards this Sesshoumaru, and I have given her my word that I would end no one's life as a direct result of the things said here this evening. Sneer all you want, while you are blessed with this single opportunity with which to do so, that once again I have unwillingly permitted Rin's presence in my life to provide those around me with a means of manipulation, but that singular and minute inconvenience pales immeasurably in comparison to the unfathomable depths of which each of you have pierced my sides as the thorns you truly are. To even suggest hypothetically that this Sesshoumaru were capable of engaging in what has been repeatedly insinuated here tonight is comparable to implying that the monk is a man of the utmost integrity, or that the undead miko retains a reasonable level of sexual desirability."

Gradually loosening up, especially in the face of what is quickly realized was actually a joke uttered by the mighty daiyoukai, a few of the other roasters and most of the audience snicker quietly to themselves as the inu-youkai proceeds to demonstrate that he is in fact perfectly capable of holding his own in such a setting.

"Of course…" he continues then, "The questions still remain, do they not? And ones that I have asked myself on numerous occasions. Why did I save Rin? Why do I continue to allow her to accompany me? Let me ask you this…is it so unreasonable to fathom that this Sesshoumaru may desire companionship from something other than a sniveling toad-youkai?"

"Lord Sesshoumaru!" Jaken cries out despondently, earning the attention of a few people seated directly around him, but nobody else, as he laments to deaf ears, "How could you say such a thing? After all my years of faithful servitude…" The kappa's words trail off after a moment when he realizes that all eyes are once again on the shimmering daiyoukai on stage, who has continued talking uninterrupted. "I'm not a toad," he mumbles to himself miserably.

"So why a small human child?" Sesshoumaru asks the audience. "Let us take a brief look at the other possible options that have been presented here this evening…

"A pushy, overbearing kaze-youkai who would admittedly crave taking this one's immaculate body to bed every night. I think not. If I had any desire to copulate with someone less attractive than myself, I may as well choose Jaken. You are all equal to the kappa in constitution when held in comparison to this Sesshoumaru.

"Or how about an even pushier young miko from the 21st century? No thank you. Despite the fact that this Sesshoumaru would not stoop to stealing a woman from his own half-brother, hanyou or no, any woman who could become infatuated with a half-breed to begin with is so far below this Sesshoumaru's station that I would sooner throw her to the wolves than take her for myself. She might enjoy the wolves' company, anyway."

Over on the dais, Kagura looks more than a little put out while Kagome visibly shudders, and Kouga is sporting an unquestionable smirk that reveals he agrees with Sesshoumaru about Kagome enjoying a certain wolf's company.

"Given these 'tantalizing' options…" Sesshoumaru continues then, "I will choose the little girl who doesn't talk back, obeys without question or hesitation, calls me 'Sesshoumaru-sama' and basically worships the ground I walk on. At least somebody knows their place, which is quite the rarity among human females, or so I have come to discover."

Sesshoumaru glances toward the dais for only a moment, and Kagome feels a chill run down her spine at the intensity of the daiyoukai's gaze.

"As for you, miko who has dared stand up to this Sesshoumaru without a single speck of fear in her scent…while I find your mannerisms and style of dress both exceedingly distasteful, and the company you keep even more so, it has been this one's observation that your powers are truly formidable against most youkai weaker than myself. Truly, your only major flaw, aside from being human, of course, is your desire and care for the degenerate half-breed."

Blinking, it takes the miko a moment to realize that Sesshoumaru's words could actually be considered a compliment of sorts. He doesn't allow her to dwell on it for long, however, before quickly moving on.

"And you, human who dresses like a common wench…" he begins with an air of disdain, his eyes locking onto Jakotsu's uncaring gaze. "Our 'battle,' if one can truly call it that, was one of the most despicable displays of cowardice this Sesshoumaru has ever witnessed. You drew this one inside the purity of the barrier, held Rin as a hostage, and tried to distract me by threatening her life. Yet still, you posed no challenge whatsoever. Were it not for your unnatural ability to survive a gaping hole through the chest, you would have been slain by this Sesshoumaru's hand."

Raising said hand in question, Sesshoumaru takes a moment to admire the elegant way in which his deadly claws shine in the spotlight, as he slowly curls his fingers in a menacing gesture. Even those seated at the far back of the auditorium can instantly recognize the lethal strength resting idly before them. Lifting his left arm to repeat the move with deliberate precision, the daiyoukai takes a moment longer to silently gather himself, lowering both arms before shifting his gaze off to the side once more, his eyes locking this time onto the nervous blue orbs of a certain wolf-youkai.

"Yes, wolf, I will admit to a temporary setback resulting from an early confrontation with the hanyou, though as you yourself pointed out, the power was not truly his own, but rather, that of Father's misguided inheritance. I still say the whelp is undeserving of such a powerful sword, though he successfully claimed the Tetsusaiga as his own, however unjustly, when he tainted it with the stench of his own inferior fang, an atrocious insult in its necessity to repair a blade that should never have been broken.

"Be that as it may, if there is one single ability of which this Sesshoumaru would begrudgingly admit failure to possess, it is the mastery of time. I can no sooner alter events that have already come to pass than I can express genuine remorse for the fate that befell your subordinates. While this Sesshoumaru may not be entirely indefectible when it comes to underestimating the aptitude of one's enemy, you appear to possess the uncanny ability to continuously misreckon any given situation. You dare to taunt this Sesshoumaru with regard to past dealings with Naraku, a testament to your lower intelligence if ever there was one, and yet you are among those who have suffered the greatest at the dark hanyou's hand. And for what? You were unconnected to Inuyasha in any way until the moment you knowingly and willfully claimed possession over shards of the Shikon no Tama, branding yourself as a target for the spider in the process. I feel no dissatisfaction in the face of karmic justice against those who have so openly brought their own destruction upon themselves, even when said destruction is executed at the hands of a somewhat less than cooperative underling."

Over on the dais, Kouga is silent, for once, as he and the wind-youkai share a quick look.

"Kagura…" Sesshoumaru says then, in his standard, monotone voice, the hardness around his eyes lessening in the slightest of ways so that only somebody who truly knows the daiyoukai will recognize the difference.

"While I may possess no physical attraction to a body that was artificially constructed from the remains of uncounted lesser youkai, that does not imply that this Sesshoumaru desired to watch you suffer at the hands of your creator. But let us remember, as you have so often claimed yourself: you are the wind, and one does not mourn the loss of an element. Moreover, one does not mourn that which cannot be taken away. A force of nature such as the wind is one of the few things in existence that cannot be destroyed. Its power can be harnessed, used for the gain of another, but ultimately, the wind can rise in strength and demolish all that rests in its path. Only a fool would believe he can maintain control over such power forever.

"Of course, it is hardly surprising that such poor judgment would be found in the mind of someone who simultaneously empowered and belittled all those unwittingly ensnared into his servitude. There is no greater formula for dictatorship mutiny than to allow one's servants to realize that you have commanded them to perform a task that you yourself are incapable of completing, while systematically granting them the necessary power with which to do so."

Meeting Naraku's gaze for a moment, Sesshoumaru's eyes narrow noticeably as he asks with the tiniest hint of emotion in his voice, "Was it only a game to you? Were you aware of how your serfs despised you, yet you did not care? Did you truly believe you would possess the upper hand forever? The game of chess does not come equipped with an endless supply of pawns, Naraku, and for good reason. While the pawns are always the first to fall in any battle, those who manage to survive will increase their power tenfold. Though perhaps a less sophisticated analogy would better suit an insect such as yourself. A spider may toy with a wasp it has captured in its web, but even the spider knows that it will eventually get stung. And speaking of Hell-wasps…"

Pausing for only a moment, Sesshoumaru shifts his gaze in Inuyasha's direction before quickly glancing back over towards the dais, his expression unreadable as he locks eyes with the undead priestess.

"False miko, you eschewed mention of this Sesshoumaru in your routine, and I would reciprocate with one exception. You and Naraku share a singular similarity, that being in your misguided belief that Inuyasha's life is yours to take. If you wish to avoid arousing this Sesshoumaru's wrath, you will cease and desist such absurdity without delay. Inuyasha's life has always been mine to take, and shall continue to remain so until the day I kill him. The actions of anyone who wishes to interfere shall be considered synonymous with wishing to end one's own life, and I shall not hesitate to officiate my assistance with your suicide."

Over on the dais, from the look on Kikyou's face it's clear that she wants to argue, though she wisely chooses to hold her tongue. From the sincerity in Sesshoumaru's gaze, the undead miko has zero doubt that he would make good on his threat, Inuyasha's feelings on the matter be damned.

"Of course," the daiyoukai continues, "I am pleased to say that is the only similarity you share with the vile half-breed known as Naraku. You would not be much of a priestess otherwise. And yes, Naraku, I called you a half-breed. Despite your pathetic attempt to differentiate yourself from the likes of Inuyasha, you are a hanyou. Any creature who is tainted by even the tiniest fraction of human blood should be referred to as such. To state otherwise is the height of ignorance. And not only are you a hanyou, Naraku, but you are the worst kind of hanyou. You stoop to the level of humans with your despicable schemes and underhanded ways. Those foolish, self-important daimyo hold nothing on you. At least they command allegiance from their followers. At least Inuyasha has earned the loyalty of those he calls his friends. Naraku, you have earned devotion from no one. There is not a single person on this Earth who genuinely wishes that you live another day. No one will miss you when you are dead and gone. You are the lowest of the low, and to waste any more breath speaking about you would be highly imprudent of me."

Sesshoumaru pauses, receiving hearty applause as his eyes pan sideways, taking in Inuyasha's pleased smirk. The daiyoukai is obviously not thrilled to see it, and he immediately attempts to wipe it away.

"So yes, Inuyasha, you are better than Naraku. Congratulations," he spits in what most of the roasters swear is sarcasm. "That is like saying a ball of feces is better than a pile of it. It is still excrement, just a smaller quantity. Still, I suppose for a hanyou, you are reasonably strong. That you have survived in a world that is rightfully hostile towards your kind is testament to that. Were it not for Tetsusaiga, I would have crushed you like the insect you are long ago. You have lived through our battles because of Father's incommodious inheritance, a large measure of good fortune, and your ability to take physical damage and remain standing. Your fighting 'skills,' if one can truly call them that, are still those of a mere child. The best compliment I can give you is that you are a survivor. And, thanks to the blood of my father flowing through your veins, you are stronger than most of the vermin inhabiting this planet."

Without another word, the daiyoukai steps down from the podium and strides regally to his seat. He makes a point to glare at Miroku as they pass, his silent message abundantly clear. 'This Sesshoumaru will tolerate no more words of disparagement from the likes of you.' Miroku gulps, glancing down at the note cards he had been writing on all evening while the other roasters were at the podium, helping him plan his rebuttals. He removes the top two and stuffs them in his pocket, to be burned as soon as the show is over. He must get rid of the evidence.

"Uh…okay, moving on! Now this next roaster…" he trails off, his eyes bulging slightly as he realizes who the next roaster is. A huge, lecherous grin works its way onto his features, and he leans casually against the podium, his expression giddy with excitement.

"There has been a lot of debate tonight over who the most attractive male is, but what about the most desirable woman? Kagura is probably a hellcat in the sack, and Kagome has that schoolgirl fetish thing going, but to me, there is no contest. The most beautiful, intelligent, breathtaking woman here this evening is without a doubt my lovely Sango."

Said woman blushes prettily, covering her cheek with a hand and averting her eyes. She is especially pleased that the monk is discussing more than just her physical attributes. Miroku continues unaffected, clearly lost in his tantalizing description of the woman he has fallen for.

"Sango is not a typical woman, nor do I wish for her to be. It took me years to find a potential partner who was more to me than just a casual lay. And when I did, she became so much more that I still lie awake at night sometimes wondering how it all happened. When did a tough, she-warrior become my ideal girl? To date, Sango is the only woman who has ever slapped me for my…minor transgressions. But I think that's part of the reason why I fell for her," he declares, pointedly ignoring the snickering from several roasters who have absurdly insinuated that sado-masochistic tendencies are at the heart of their relationship.

"Sango considered herself my equal from the very beginning, and wasn't about to put up with my shenanigans. I realize now that I was searching for someone like that the whole time, someone who could be my equal or better in every way. Sango is smarter than me, and taking gender out of the equation, I think she's hotter than me as well. Perhaps that's just my male bias, but there you go. She's also a better hand-to-hand fighter than I am, and I hope she never feels the need to demonstrate that superiority, because I'm quite certain I would be out of action for a while. My spiritual abilities are the only reason I can keep up with her in terms of slaying youkai.

"In addition, Sango has proven to be very skilled at handling large, hard bones…and she's pretty good with Hiraikotsu too."

A round of chuckling erupts from the audience, and Sango shakes her head with an amused grin. Everyone had been waiting with bated breath, knowing that the houshi's sincere words would soon turn perverted. For the most part, he had exceeded expectations.

"Oh, yes, I could tell amazing sex stories all night, but then I fear Sango would not allow me to work on any new tales for a while. So you'll just have to use your imaginations, sort of like I did before Sango became my wife. Walking behind her, imagining what she looked like naked...it became a daily ritual for me.

"Sango's ass has always enchanted me. I have felt up my share of women…and men, apparently," he admits, shooting an apologetic glance Inuyasha's way. The hanyou does his best to ignore it, as well as the mirth of the audience. The bouzu just had to bring that up again.

"But I have never encountered a finer specimen than the one belonging to my wife. It is hard muscle, but so incredibly soft and tender," Miroku observes, his eyes going slightly unfocused as his hands come up and begin making massaging motions in the air.

"Such succulent flesh," he whispers, licking his lips. "I would be perfectly content to play with it all day, and Sango has let me do just that, on occasion."

Sango's outraged gasp serves to snap Miroku back to reality. He turns to see her flaming red, more with absolute embarrassment than anger.

"Whoops. Perhaps I've said too much. But then again, this is what usually happens. Sango's flushed cheeks tell me she's embarrassed, and her lovely lips tell me 'Hentai!' and 'Hands off!' But you see, my dear Sango, I know you well. That shiver running down your spine, the hitch in your breath, the delightful sway of your hips…those all say to me, 'Touch me, hold me, ravish me.' Your body is open to me, in more ways than one. And through that body, and your eyes, and your words, I know your heart. I consider myself eternally blessed for the privilege. And now, without further ado, please welcome the lovely Sango!"

Thunderous applause and whistles sound out from the audience as the spotlight swivels over to the sofa to illuminate the aforementioned taijiya. Smiling despite Miroku's embarrassing words, Sango rises confidently to her feet as a late '80s pop classic begins filling the auditorium with a fun, synthesized beat augmented by electric guitar. Dressed in a dark gray knee-length pencil skirt that clings perfectly with every step of her cream high-heel clad feet, the slayer starts her journey toward the podium as Paula Abdul's voice rings out through the speakers, knowing Miroku's eyes are on her hips and legs every step of the way.

Lost in a dream,

I don't know which way to go.

If you are all that you seem,

Then baby I'm movin' way too slow.

As Sango and Miroku pass one another on the stage, she offers the overzealous monk a pointed look that quickly has his brows furrowing in confusion.

I've been a fool before,

Wouldn't like to get my love caught in the slamming door.

How about some information please?

Straight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever,

(oh oh oh)

Or am I caught in a hit and run?

Straight up now tell me is it gonna be you and me together,

(oh oh oh)

Or are you just having fun?

The music fades as Sango takes her position at the podium, and the slayer glances over her right shoulder to where she knows the monk is silently pondering the meaning behind her chosen song. Her expression – caught on camera and clearly visible for everyone present to see – clearly says, 'Well, Houshi?'

"Sango, you wound me!" Miroku exclaims loudly, overdramatically clinging at his chest while several members of the audience as well as most of the roasters chuckle quietly to themselves at the couple's silliness. But there is a spark of something sincere in the monk's eyes that only Sango notices… He never did answer her question after accepting his proposal, when she had asked him if he would never cheat on her. The look in his eyes in that moment assures her she needn't have worried. As the producers switch camera angles back to the front of the podium, a brief moment passes between the slayer and monk that remains solely between the two of them, as Sango sends a playful wink Miroku's way, assuring him that her worries are in the past, and that her song was selected for old time's sake more than anything else.

Turning to face forward in that moment, Sango is a sight of loveliness with her hair pulled high in the ponytail she traditionally wears for battle, exposing the long contours of her neck and collarbone as her thin, cream v-neck knit top reveals a playful hint of cleavage, showing that while the slayer is not a party-girl, neither is she a prude.

"You know, sometimes I feel like he pays way too much attention to my rear end."

Laughter ripples through the crowd at the understatement of the year. Miroku remains in his seat looking pleased with himself. It goes without saying, however, that he disagrees with her.

"Honestly, it's unbelievable to me that you can still be a houshi with the way you act. And a damn good one, at that. Which kami did you bribe? It's a miracle you haven't lost your powers altogether yet. Although, considering your upbringing, perhaps your behavior is not so surprising after all…

"So, Houshi-sama, you were raised by Mushin, huh? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the teahouse. If I had been in charge I would have chosen the song 'Womanizer' for your introduction here this evening. I know you aren't related to the aged monk, but you're like a younger version of him! Is that what I have to look forward to in thirty years? A fat, drunk, dirty old man for a husband?"

Waggling his eyebrows, Miroku responds from his spot on the dais with, "Perhaps, but it will be fun getting there, won't it?"

Shaking her head in exasperation, Sango sends the houshi a pitying look.

"Can't you reply to anything I say without twisting your response in a perverted manner?" she asks without truly expecting an answer, nor does she give him time to formulate one. "And you wonder why I'm sometimes tempted to question the sincerity of your immeasurable devotion towards myself. You're so eloquent with your words…but do you really think that much of me? Am I truly as perfect as your description would lead others to believe? Of course not. We have our issues and fights like any other married couple. But I am honored that you choose to see the good in me, as I do in you. Of course, maybe I make that relatively easy for you. Maybe there just isn't that much to complain about. After all, the only real criticism I've received tonight from most people was about you. If my own husband, the man who knows me better than any other, can't criticize me for more than a few seconds, then what does that say? Beyond the fact that Miroku totally blew his chance to make fun of me, that is."

The monk shrugs, looking slightly sheepish. He had thought the other participants would take care of roasting Sango so that he wouldn't have to. There really wasn't that much bad to say about her, at least not without straying into inappropriate and hurtful territory, as one villain in particular already had this evening. Miroku would never say any of those things, and caution was always the better part of valor, especially when the prospect of forced abstinence was involved.

"I suppose my taste in men is rather questionable," the taijiya admits then, speaking to no one in particular, "but nobody's perfect. Even so, I think it's safe to say I'm the most normal person on the show, and knowing that helps me sleep at night. After all, while I've heard a lot of jokes here tonight, not very many of them were at my expense. You know why? It's because I'm not a big loser like the rest of you. I don't have any glaring physical or mental defects that are easy to make fun of. Just hypothetically speaking, if someone were trying to write a script for some type of setting where people get made fun of, I imagine they would have a really hard time with me. Hypothetically speaking, of course. While a few of you did pick on me for my taste in men, even those jokes really became more about Miroku than myself.

"The S&M ones were a little more creative, but were still ultimately more at the houshi's expense than my own. The only one of you who really had the balls to say anything directly about me at all was Naraku, as cruel as that bastard is. How do you think that makes the rest of you look? That Naraku could do something the rest of you couldn't? Come on, I can take it. You think I can't fight back? Though I won't dignify that putrid monster with a response to anything he had to say. None of what Naraku said is worth responding to. He's a vile, despicable monster, uncaring of the lives of even his own supposedly trusted servants.

"Even the Band of Seven exercised brotherly loyalty between themselves until Naraku's influence and the greed of the Shikon shards ultimately tore them apart. But even as a human bandit, Onigumo proved the age-old adage that there is no honor among thieves. Even his own fellow bandits turned against him for his treachery, burning him and leaving him for dead. It's too bad they didn't succeed. It seems that wherever Naraku goes, hatred, mistrust and betrayal are soon to follow. I mean, look at what happened to the Band of Seven. They would've been better off never being resurrected, so that their fearsome memories could have remained untarnished. Now we all know what mental cases they really were."

Adjusting her gaze to meet the eyes of the token 'of Seven' member up on the dais, Sango's expression turns contemplative as she sizes the she-man up and down, before a shudder visibly runs through her, her nose crinkling in disgust.

"Jakotsu, of everyone present here this evening, you are by far the most disturbing. Lots of people think 'kissing ass' and 'sucking up' are ways to get ahead, but you think they're ways to get some head. And you called me a sadist? That's like you calling someone else a flaming homo! Which one of us wanted to slice Inuyasha up like a holiday ham, then fuck him as he bled to death? There's a reason you have a sword that looks and behaves like a whip. Sometimes I do think about tying Miroku up, but that's only because I would love to not have to watch out for his wandering hands 24/7."

The audience laughs at this. Then from his barstool Miroku unexpectedly calls out, "I would use my feet!" causing the audience to laugh even harder, as Sango drops her forehead into her palm.

"Moving on," she declares, slightly exasperated though the crowd is eating up the interplay between them. "It seems fitting that the second most 'normal,' and I use that term hesitantly, person on the show is an incarnation of Naraku. I have no real beef with you, Kagura. You killed a lot of people in the beginning of the series, but most of them were wolf-youkai who would have been able to defend themselves if they weren't so incompetent. I have no love for the ookami anyway; people are so quick to forget that Kouga himself ordered the slaughter of a human village before we met him. How many were before that, ookami?" she asks, sending an accusing glare Kouga's way. The wolf glances away, looking decidedly uncomfortable. Sango lets him stew for a moment before moving on.

"Anyway, as Naraku began shifting responsibilities to other incarnations, and Kagura actually did less and less as the series went on, we realized that she was just an unwilling pawn being used by her master. My husband has difficulties with this concept, but the fact that she was artificially created does not make her any less of a youkai, or a woman. Youkai can come into existence in many different ways, and that's coming from an expert on the subject. She at least deserves the opportunity to follow her own free will wherever it takes her. And if her will drives her to slay innocents and continue her violent behavior from early in the series, then she will be dealt with accordingly.

"Of course, Kagura wouldn't even have existed were it not for the bone-headed move of another of Naraku's pawns. I speak, of course, of the 'lady' Kikyou, and I use that term very hesitantly."

Sango takes a deep breath to gather her thoughts and reign in her temper just a little.

"What an intelligent decision, Kikyou, giving Naraku that large chunk of jewel. Way to go, genius! You're the one responsible for all of the countless deaths caused by Naraku and his incarnations, not Kagome. Yes, she's the one who shattered the jewel in the first place, but we'd all been doing a pretty damn good job of collecting it until you came along and stole our shards. And don't think I've forgotten about how you tried to kill Kagome. I'm keeping my eye on you.

"Never mind the insane mood swing you had to have undergone to give Naraku the jewel, your plan was so confoundedly stupid in its own right. Did you not take into consideration the fact that Naraku would grow stronger if he acquired more of the jewel? That it would be more difficult to drag him to Hell with the Shikon no Tama boosting his power? Just in terms of strategy, that's as dumb as the old European stratagem of invading Russia in the summer. 'We'll be in Moscow before winter,' they used to say. At least that's not quite as deluded as you saying, 'I'll take him to Hell no matter how strong he gets.' And speaking of deluded…

"Kouga, I agreed with most of what you said in regards to your comparisons between Kikyou and Kagome. The only problem with your perspective is that you still think you have a chance with the more desirable miko of the two. Kouga, I just don't understand you. Why does something which is so painfully obvious to the rest of us fail to make it through your thick skull? Kagome doesn't want you! Though I suppose I can't place all the blame on you for your delusions. Just like Kagura pointed out earlier, Kagome has never flat out told you that she's not interested. In fact, some might say she's deliberately leading you on."

Meeting Kagome's eyes, Sango sends her friend a sincere look, as if apologizing in advance for the hard truths she is about to disclose.

"Kagome, do you ever get tired of being so helpless? If I had a dollar for every time you screamed out Inuyasha's name in terror…well, I'd have enough to pay for Jakotsu's trip to Gay Club Med that he's always wanted. We can joke that Inuyasha likes hearing you scream his name, but not when it's because a youkai is about to kill you!

"I realize you didn't grow up learning how to fight, but you never really took the time to have Kaede give you any lessons with the bow once your quest revealed itself either. With as much of a stickler for school and grades as you are, one would think that you would've wanted to study something that could actually save your life. Especially after that first 'wonderful' attempt with the bow. That attack sucked harder than Jakotsu after three shots of Tequila!

"But you know, despite not being able to channel your inner Kikyou to become an instant master with the bow and arrow – and please don't channel Kikyou for any other reason – I still believe there is zero doubt as to the fact that you really are her reincarnation. You most certainly inherited her bi-polar disorder. How the hell do you expect Inuyasha to come to grips with himself and confess how he feels about you when nobody can ever predict what kind of a reaction you'll have to anything he has to say? I would be afraid to have a serious conversation with you, too, if I never knew if my words would make you smile or yell a cursed command that slams my face into the ground. Still, despite the bizarre manner in which you demonstrate your feelings for Inuyasha, it's abundantly clear to all of us just how deeply you truly care for him. But the opportunities you miss with him! How many times have you two almost kissed? I cannot believe you let the last one go. So what if Souta interrupted you? You should have kicked him out, locked the door, and said 'Where were we?' Because we all knew it would take weeks for a perfect moment like that to come along again, maybe longer.

"And come on, Kagome, even I get tired of the 'Sits' sometimes. I know he deserves a lot of them, and I even tried to 'Sit' him once, but slamming someone's face into the dirt for every little thing is not how you broadcast that you love them, or even that you care about them at all. If you ever want him to pull his head out of his ass, you need to help him get it out, not keep on pushing it in deeper."

Sango takes a quick scan of the dais and shakes her head. "Great. Use the words 'ass' and 'deeper' in the same sentence and Jakotsu's in la-la land."

Glancing to her left towards the man of honor, Sango's gaze is neither amiable nor hostile. She genuinely considers the hanyou her friend, but enough is enough already.

"Inuyasha, let's take a moment to analyze the 'difficult' choice you have. You can either stay with Kagome, or you can join Kikyou in Hell. Okay, so on the one hand you have a beautiful girl who loves you, wants to have sex with you, leading to kids and a happily-ever-after. Or, on the other, you have an eternity of fiery torment in the company of your dead ex-girlfriend. Okay, I think I pretty much summed it up right. I just have one more thought: What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you ever think about this? You have 'option one,' a living girl who loves you, or 'option two,' your dead ex who wants you to die and burn in Hell! This after she fucking shot you! And you're 'not sure'? You know what, you deserved every insult you got tonight, just for that.

"And why do you always have to be such a hothead? You charge blindly into battle so much that I sometimes think the writers should have put you on a horse backwards. With that red getup, you do kind of look like an anime version of Dudley Do-Right. And hey, he never got the girl either. On top of that, you and your own brother have nearly killed each other on several occasions. Honestly, sometimes I think the two of you should be neutered. At least then you'd have an excuse for not making a move on Kagome. You literally wouldn't have the balls."

Waiting for a moment for the audience's laughter to simmer down, the slayer directs her attention to the crowd in this moment.

"Am I right, folks?" she asks jokingly, earning more laughter. "Just think of it, without their testosterone-driven urges to maim one another, they would probably be frolicking in the fields together, eating chocolate and chasing butterflies. No more fighting, only hugging, and no swearing, only reciting poetry to each other and anyone else who happened by. Now, doesn't that sound better than what we have now?"

Pausing as if to actually give the matter some genuine thought, Sango chuckles to herself at Inuyasha's disturbed expression, not daring to turn and meet Sesshoumaru's gaze.

"On second thought, I think I like it better when they fight. At least it's never boring."

Glancing in Inuyasha's direction once more, Sango offers the hanyou a thoughtful smile.

"Of course, there's no denying how strong of a warrior Inuyasha is since he's survived all of those battles. And let's also not forget that he has a decent sense of honor. Even when faced with an opponent he could finish off rather easily, he will deliberately dodge their attacks without killing them if the battle is unjust and he realizes that the enemy he's facing does not truly deserve to die. I would not be here otherwise, and I will be forever grateful for Inuyasha's restraint at our first meeting. Deep down inside, our hanyou truly is a good man. He's just an idiot, though I guess there's some justification for that. He's had a really hard life, and I cannot truly blame him for being as crude or ill-tempered as he usually is, considering how nearly everyone he's ever met has treated him with disdain. And I'm certainly in no position to bad-mouth him for being tricked by Naraku, considering how we have all fallen victim to that vermin in one way or another. And even after everything I did during the beginning stages of our friendship, he forgave me. Inuyasha is a gentleman wrapped in a hardened shell of self-preservation, and I feel honored to call him my friend. Thank you."

The crowd loudly vocalizes their approval of Sango's routine as the taijiya steps away from the podium, returning to her seat on the dais. As she and Miroku pass one another a second time, the look passed back and forth between them is that of a mere smile. A genuine show of affection in the monk's gaze that, to Sango's surprise, is noticeably void of lechery.

Not that the houshi remains pure of thought for long.

"Sango was worried about me becoming fat and drunk in my old age," he begins as he steps back up to the microphone, his lecherous smirk firmly back in place. "But I won't so long as she exercises me every day," he adds with a wink sent in the slayer's direction, Sango's quiet mutter of "Hentai" audible to those in the first few rows.

Chuckling, Miroku continues.

"But all playfulness aside, hearing my wife speak was as pleasing to the ears as it was the eyes. Especially how she laid into Inuyasha and said things that he really needed to hear. I have a feeling we might be getting more of that from our next roaster. Throughout the series, Souta got a unique perspective on 'the relationship' that none of us saw. I imagine they acted a little differently in Kagome's time than they did in the Feudal era. Although, considering the fact that they haven't yet jumped each other, maybe not. Anyway, I'm excited to get a sibling's perspective on this…you know, from a sibling who actually cares."

All eyes shift to Sesshoumaru, but the daiyoukai does not take offense to the comment. He really doesn't care in the slightest about whoever his half-brother chooses to fornicate with.

"Roll tape!"

The big screen once again flares to life, revealing Souta standing in what looks like his bedroom. He is wearing a full suit, including jacket and tie, and looking quite debonair if not a little uncomfortable. All the mothers in the audience coo at how adorable the 'little man' looks.

"Greetings, everyone," he begins politely. "When Comedy Central first told me they wanted me to appear in their roast, I was pretty surprised. Let's face it; I am a pretty minor character. The anime gave me more scenes, but the truly sad part is that I just about got more action after that one cheesy 'Souta's Confession of Love' episode than the man of the evening has in the whole series. Hitomi and I are too young to think about doing anything more than smooching, but you better believe we do that. Every day, just about. It's fun, and intimate, and we both know that if we're still together when we get older it will lead to more. The kind of stuff Inuyasha and Kagome would be doing if they pulled their heads out of their respective butts.

"Come on now, we all know that you two are in love with each other, so just admit it already!"

The audience clamors in agreement, and the two said 'lovebirds' stubbornly keep their gazes anywhere but each other. Both appear more than a little flustered and irritated with Souta.

"Back to my 'Confession' episode, I didn't realize at first how much of a hypocrite you were, Inuyasha. Telling me to 'be a man' and 'just tell her how you feel.' Ha! Try following your own advice for once! But noooooo, instead your idiocy created so many awkward moments in that episode that it's almost painful to watch. You got embarrassed when Kagome held your hand; you were speechless when I asked you whether you or Kagome had said you liked the other first. You nearly crapped your pants when I asked to 'practice' on you, which was admittedly a stupid idea, but at least I was trying! At least I wasn't standing right next to the girl I liked and telling someone else how to confess his feelings. I guess the common theme here is Inuyasha not practicing what he preaches, which is such a shame because I would totally love to have him as a brother-in-law."

Inuyasha's annoyed expression loses some of its hardness at Souta's sincere claim. The kid's statement means a lot whether or not he actually wants to marry Kagome.

"And you, dear sister! You weren't any help at all! It's a miracle I didn't get beat up at school in that ridiculous getup you made me wear. See this?" he says, motioning toward himself. "This is what you get when a man dresses himself. I look damn good in this suit, even though the collar is itchy. And I'm wearing pants, not shorts with a bowtie and jacket. Inuyasha, if you ever do get together with my sister, please for the love of all the kami, never let her dress you. I guarantee you will regret it."

The hanyou immediately ceases his snickering at a furious glare from said miko. Of course, that only serves to remind them that they were trying not to look at each other, and she quickly spins around again.

"Yeah, so that was one of the misadventures I had with Inuyasha in the modern era. Another one of my favorites is the time he and I took a bath, and he ran into Nee-chan's room because the water was too hot."

Inuyasha and Kagome both flush, the latter in particular. Oh, yes, she remembers that evening very well. The mental images are burned into her subconscious, and she has no desire to get rid of them.

"I've always wondered why he chose to flee to Kagome's room. Was it because that's where he felt the safest? Or did he just want Kagome to see him naked? I think it's the latter, because I've never heard of him running away from anything, let alone hot water. Maybe he sensed that Kagome secretly wanted to see him, because we know she didn't mind nearly as much as she pretended to.

"But that's all old news. What they didn't tell you at the time was that more than just the water was heating Inuyasha up, because by the time we got kicked out of Nee-chan's room, he was sporting a boner bigger than my forearm! You should have seen him trying to cover it! He hung his robes on it and waddled back to the bathroom going 'ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…'"

Everyone laughs as Inuyasha blushes crimson once more, yet again looking like he's getting ready to destroy the video screen.

"She's fucking sexy when she's angry…" Inuyasha mumbles to himself, the comment blessedly going unnoticed by anyone without youkai hearing.

"Now, everyone look at Kagome." Souta's voice continues, drawing everyone's attention first back to the video, and then to the miko in question. "I bet she's totally daydreaming about what I just said."

Over on the couch, said miko clearly is lost in a daydream, until she comes back to herself upon the realization that all eyes are now on her. A wave of red washes over her face, partly in mortification and partly an indicator of her sudden desire to maim her brother.

"See what I mean?" Souta asks, preemptively knowing he's right. "She's not nearly as innocent as she seems. But I'm sure a lot of people are going to point that out, so I'll leave it at that. Besides, Kagome is pretty good at hiding whatever dirt there may be on her, so I don't have any more for you.

"The only other thing I want to comment on is Inuyasha's fixation with Buyo. Please explain to me why you love bothering that cat. I've never seen that fat feline run so fast –or at all – except for whenever you come around. Do you chase after rabbits and squirrels in the Feudal era, too? The little creature league must have an APB out on you. Warning: volatile hanyou who likes fondling furry animals. Extremely dangerous."

"I don't fondle that fucking cat!" Inuyasha exclaims, "I'm helping to exercise Buyo's fat ass." But his excuse is delivered without much conviction, and no one buys it for a second. Inuyasha crosses his arms and grumbles under his breath amid scolding jeers.

"In conclusion," Souta continues, "I'd just like to say this to Inuyasha and my sister. I joke about it, but I really do want the two of you to get together. Inuyasha would be the coolest brother-in-law in the history of in-laws. And I'm sure he would say the same about me, right Inuyasha?"

"Feh." said hanyou grumbles to himself, loud enough to be heard.

"He just said 'Feh,' didn't he?" Souta's recording suddenly asks, earning some chuckles. "Oh well, Inuyasha has always been a man of few words, or gibberish, as the case may be. It doesn't make him any less of a hero in my book."

The screen goes dark, and Souta receives a warm round of applause. A couple sets of shoulders slump in relief that it's over, but the reaction is mostly positive.

Miroku whistles, clearly impressed with what he has just seen. "Remind me to buy Souta a cold one when he's old enough. He deserves free booze for a year after that enlightening performance." he says, grinning as the audience has one final chuckle at Inuyasha and Kagome's expense.

Waggling his eyebrows in the hanyou's direction, Miroku teases, "Why, Inuyasha, I had no idea you were so fond of playing with Kagome's pussy. I take back what I said earlier about you not being very good at catching it or that you wouldn't know what to do with it if you did. Apparently you like to fondle her pussy on a regular basis."

"Technically," Kouga chimes in from his spot on the dais, "Buyo is her mother's pussy."

Over on the Hot Seat, Inuyasha's face is as red as his shirt as he tries to slink down into his cushion, the living miko on the dais sharing his humiliation. The spotlights once again pan out into the audience where her mother is seated. Mrs. Higurashi is sporting a nice blush herself, but as the camera captures her image she squares her shoulders in determination, refusing to be bullied. She may be older, but she knew going in what a 'roast' is and what happens at one, and she is there to support her baby girl, no matter what gets said about her or anyone else.

Drawing everyone's attention back to himself, Miroku clears his throat lightly before pointing out, "Of course, we mustn't forget that Inuyasha is not the only one who came under fire in Souta's video."

Pausing, he glances Kagome's way with a knowing twinkle in his eyes, and seeing his telling expression, the miko mentally braces for impact while simultaneously psyching herself up, knowing that her time has finally come.

"Yes, Souta showed us that there might be a darker, more sensual side of Kagome. Well let me tell you folks, that is completely true. It takes a hentai to know a hentai, and trust me, Kagome is not nearly as sweet and innocent as she seems. There is no way a modern-day Japanese schoolgirl could be as naïve about sex as she tries to portray herself. This is a country that sells used lady's panties on the street in vending machines, people! Sure, we'll believe Kagome is really a virgin, but only because she's saving herself for Inuyasha. At least the girl has taste. Why settle for less when you can have next to the best? Since I'm already taken, Inuyasha is definitely the next best thing.

"And you know what? I think Takahashi was trying to tell us something about Kagome, too. Did anyone else notice the name of that fast food joint she and her friends would occasionally go to? It was WacDonald's. WacDonald's! Let us imagine for a moment Kagome ordering herself a sandwich. 'I'll have one Big Wac and a large vibrator…I mean shake.' If Takahashi stumbled onto that gem of a pun by accident, then I'm devoted to celibacy.

"But enough about what I think. It's time you heard from the lascivious little lady herself. Please welcome to the podium, Kagome!"

A rapid, synthesized harp rhythm streams smoothly from the loudspeakers, some of the notes straying purposely from the usual low register. It is gentle yet powerful, setting the stage for a heartfelt, emotionally charged ballad. No one would have expected anything less from Kagome. The soft ringing of wind chimes in the background precedes the rest of the ensemble, with bass, strings low and high, and drums joining in strategically at first, then settling into a solid, earthy beat. Then the silky, passionate voices of Brandy and Monica launch into the chorus.

You need to give it up,

Had about enough,

It's not hard to see,

The boy is mine.

I'm sorry that you,

Seem to be confused,

He belongs to me,

The boy is mine.

With her message abundantly clear, Kagome rises from her seat on the sofa, giving the audience their first good look at her outfit. She is wearing a forest green skirt, though this one is decidedly less revealing than that of her customary school uniform. It is of the business variety, smooth and narrowing until it reaches its end at her knees. Sheer nylons cover her lower legs, and modest black heels adorn her feet. A well-fitted, white suit jacket hints at the contours of her figure, while the low V-neck reveals her emerald blouse underneath, concealing her cleavage. It is the look of a proud, confident woman in the workplace. The colors are awkward together, but Kagome somehow makes them work, paying homage to the traditional color scheme her fans are most familiar with. She strides assuredly to the podium as the music continues.

I think it's time we got this straight,

Let's sit and talk face to face,

There is no way you could mistake,

Him for your man, are you insane?

You see I know that you may be,

Just a bit jealous of me,

But you're blind if you can't see,

That his love is all in me.

Kagome reaches the podium and gazes out over the excited crowd. Thin wisps of her hair have been curled, and she twists one lock around her finger, perhaps showing her youth. Her fidgeting hands speak of nervousness, her eyes only determination.

You need to give it up,

Had about enough,

It's not hard to see,

The boy is mine.

I'm sorry that you,

Seem to be confused,

He belongs to me,

The boy is mine.

"And as dense has he can be sometimes," Kagome jokes, "I'm sure the 'boy' knows who he is."

A muttered 'Keh' can be heard in the background, and Kagome grins.

"But before I get to Inuyasha, I'd like to say a few words about our gracious host over there," she says, motioning to Miroku as she turns halfway to face him. "Did you really accuse me of being a closet pervert, Miroku? Seriously? You calling anyone a hentai is the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black. Let's take a look at the first time we met. You closed your wind tunnel to spare my life. Then you groped me. Then you proposed that we all calm down and have a civilized conversation. Then you asked me to bear your child. Then you groped me. Again. You went from gentleman to hentai not once, but twice in about ten minutes! And you say I'm hot and cold.

"You also said I send mixed signals. Please! You send out more signals than a cell phone tower. The groping says to Sango 'I'm a pervert, but I find you physically attractive.' The womanizing says 'I think we should just be friends.' And the occasional sincere moment says 'I love you.' So…what you're telling her is 'You're hot, and I love you, but I want to sleep with other women on the side.' And you wonder why Sango was so reluctant to sleep with you! Ever heard of something called commitment, Miroku? Comm-it-ment. If you love her, and I think you do, then stop letting your dick run the show and listen to your heart!"

Miroku's jaw hangs open from the shock of hearing Kagome's harsh words. It appears she is not as innocent as she seems, he reflects, just not in the way he had alluded to before.

"If you don't love her, then you need to find someone else. But I would recommend changing your strategy anyway. Most women don't want the father of their unborn child off chasing prettier, skinnier tail.

"And you, Sango!" Kagome exclaims, startling the taijiya. If Sango has any notions that Kagome will go easy on her, they are quickly extinguished. "How can you criticize me for missed opportunities? Miroku is your love interest, for crying out loud! Do you think he would've turned you down if you'd offered yourself to him at any point during the mission? Ha! Not likely! Every minute of every day is an opportunity with him.

"I believe you called me helpless too. Hmmm, let's see…I seem to recall saving everyone… Oh, yes, it was right after you stole Tetsusaiga and handed it over to Naraku. We were trapped in a whirlwind of miasma with no escape, until my arrow nearly purified him. Helpless nothing. We'd all be dead if it weren't for me.

"And yes, I get into trouble a lot, but give me a break! Just like you yourself admitted, I didn't grow up learning how to fight demons. I grew up in a society with a police force that's supposed to take care of the bad guys for you. But I've come a long way, and everyone knows it. The real reason I get into a lot of trouble is because I'm a target. Naraku is afraid of me. Somehow I don't think he has that same kind of fear for you or Miroku. How many puppets have the two of you fought while the real action is going on elsewhere? Meanwhile, I'm getting cursed by dark miko, kidnapped by all manner of youkai, and possessed by psychotic infants. Yet somehow, through all that, I manage to keep my head on my shoulders and avoid hurting myself or any of you. And lest we forget, it was I who prevented Inuyasha from being possessed by the corrupted jewel shards in the stomach of that stone oni. We'd all be demon shit by now if it weren't for me! But oh, no, I'm just a useless, ditzy teenager who can't pull her own weight. I think all of you need a reality check. Calling me helpless is like calling Miroku an honest monk.

"But I suppose you weren't the first person to question my strength. That would be Inuyasha. From the very beginning he compared me to Kikyou, which isn't fair. Again, priestess trained from birth on one hand, modern schoolgirl doing her best on the other. Who's going to be a better shot with a bow? It's not like I didn't get better, as Naraku can attest. The only person who thought less of me in the beginning than Inuyasha was Kikyou herself."

Kagome pauses, her expression gloomy as she turns to regard her preincarnation.

"I won't lie to you Kikyou; I don't like you, and I know the feeling is mutual. But despite that, I always respected you, a sentiment which is definitely not mutual. You share a connection with Inuyasha that I can never touch. You were his first love, and he was yours. But at some point, you need to come to terms with reality. You. Are. 're dead, Kikyou. You telling me I don't belong in the Feudal era is another perfect example of hypocrisy. The dead have no place in the land of the living, Kikyou. It's as simple as that. I really do hope you can rest in peace, preferably before you destroy Inuyasha's life…again.

"I believe you also chastised me for my manner of dress, but so did quite a few people this evening. I've been wearing short skirts since I was a little kid. I'm comfortable in them, and for the most part, I know how to avoid flashing people. I'm not trying to advertise myself, as several of you have stated. Do you people realize how stupid you sound? Are you saying that every schoolgirl in Japan is also a slut, because I don't wear my skirt any longer or shorter than they do. Maybe all of you in the Sengoku jidai need to loosen up a bit.

"And what is wrong with being attracted to Inuyasha or letting him touch me? Look at him! He's hot! I let him touch me because unlike you, I'm not repulsed by him. I like him as a hanyou. Your biggest flaw, Kikyou, is that you still can't see past his youkai blood to the kind, sweet, passionate man underneath. Okay, so maybe you have to look pretty deep to see the kind and sweet sides of Inuyasha, but I know they're there! At least we know my other adjective is true. If Inuyasha takes to lovemaking with half the passion he takes to battle…"

Kagome trails off, temporarily lost in delightful daydreams. Then she snaps back to herself, flushing hotly. But true to her words, she is not ashamed, merely embarrassed. Inuyasha currently shares that emotion, but he cannot keep a certain amount of smugness from his expression.

"Where was I? Oh, yeah. What happened to you wasn't fair, Kikyou, and I do feel sorry for you, but you can't take it out on Inuyasha. Especially when he never hurt you, especially when your untimely death was partially your own fault. If you had allowed yourself to trust Inuyasha fully, as I do, then you would have known that he would never have betrayed you. You would have seen through Naraku's ruse."

Shifting her gaze to lock eyes with the dark hanyou in question, Kagome's eyes narrow marginally before a look of understanding and pity overcomes her, her expression calm once again.

"I don't even know where to start with you, Naraku, or should I say Onigumo?"

The self-proclaimed master of evil narrows his own eyes at the sound of that name, but allows the miko to continue uninterrupted.

"Let's see…you teased Kikyou for being dead, bragged about all of the terrible things you've done, and then recapped the Inuyasha/Kikyou necrophilia joke, the Sesshoumaru/Rin pedophilia joke, insulted Kouga's intelligence for not comprehending my true feelings, and then recycled the hentai jokes directed towards myself. Oh, and of course the rosary/sadist jokes, can't forget about those. And then there was that pitiful attempt at being humorous regarding the Band of Seven.

"I suppose I shouldn't find it surprising that you had to steal material not only from other roasters here this evening, but other Comedy Central comedians altogether. After all, you stole power from a spider-youkai and its buddies, you stole the face and castle of a poor innocent lord, you stole the shards of the Shikon no Tama from whoever else happened to obtain them, and then in the end, all you'd really wanted to do all along was steal Kikyou's heart. I guess once a thief, always a thief, eh, Onigumo? Deep down inside you're still the same miserable, sniveling human bandit you always were. You get offended whenever people call you a hanyou, but you know what? I think I actually agree with you; you're not a hanyou. Despite what Sesshoumaru said, 'hanyou' technically means 'half demon', as in, a being born from one youkai parent and one human parent, like Inuyasha and Jinenji and Shiori, and if we wanted to be generous, then we could also include Gyu-oh and the kids from that 'mystic' island. You most certainly do not fall under that category. You had two human parents, assuming you didn't murder them both in their sleep. Selling your soul and changing your name doesn't change a damn thing when it really boils down to it, and when you are boiled down, your human core is revealed. Demi-youkai? Are you serious? It doesn't matter how many youkai you take into yourself; your human core is still intact.

"Okay yes, granted, as you are now you are definitely more youkai than human. I can't really argue with that, but getting mathematical and pointing out how the percentage of human in you is minute compared to the number of youkai doesn't change the fact that you were originally born human. It's an ugly truth; you can run, but you can't hide. You're like Tsubaki, and if we dare to bring her up, Sara. You're a human who allowed himself to become possessed by youkai for selfish gain, thus becoming a…I guess demi-youkai will work since I don't want to insult genuine hanyou.

"I've also heard it questioned how a 'demi-youkai' such as yourself could spawn full-youkai off chutes, but I don't find that part mysterious at all. After all, a dry sponge is capable of soaking up a lot of water, just like you seem to be capable of absorbing an endless supply of lesser youkai, and if you squeeze a soaked sponge, does part of the sponge itself break away? No, only water comes out; pure water, like what had been absorbed in the first place. Yet no matter how much water the sponge soaks up, deep down inside it's still a sponge; it can never become pure water itself. Break away part of the sponge, and the whole thing weakens, just as you ultimately weakened when you tried to discard your human heart. Deny it all you want, but if it isn't true, then why did you eventually end up reabsorbing your human heart after both times you discarded it? I could psychoanalyze you for days, but I don't want to risk you thinking I find you that important. I wonder, though, if in the end it was really you who we were fighting, or if you yourself had become nothing more than a victim to the jewel and its own evil scheming. I feel sorry foryou, Naraku. It seems like through it all, you yourself were just a pawn, and the jewel was the true enemy all along."

Getting the reaction she knew she would, Kagome smiles to herself as Naraku nearly loses his composure, rising from his barstool before a well-timed growl from Kirara has him slumping back down in his seat.

"One thing I do find curious, though, is your eclectic collection of detachments. Even though you made a good point in that you never forced yourself upon any random women when you most certainly could have, at least in theory, one does have to wonder what you were thinking when you made Kagura as attractive as she is. How do we really know that nothing is going on behind closed doors? But would it be considered masturbation, or incest? I'm not sure I want to know. But Miroku was wrong on one count. Kagura wasn't your first incarnation, was she? Nope, even though she was introduced to us first, you actually made Kanna before her. So then that begs the question, why was your first incarnation an emotionless, ten-year-old girl? I'm sure some people here could have a field day with that one. Kanna would be the perfect, silent victim, wouldn't she? And you call her a void youkai, no double-meaning there. Then again, maybe nothing really is going on. After all, you transformed yourself into at least two different women before creating your first, female servants. What's up with that? Am I picking up on something here, or is it just me? And your first male detachments were all crude, oni-like creatures, and then little children even younger than Kanna! You didn't make a marginally attractive male incarnation until Byakuya. Musou doesn't count since he had to steal himself a face. Seriously, Naraku, what is your fascination with ugly oni and little children?

"Though I won't personally go as far as to suggest that you are actually a pedophile, or perhaps into some twisted form of bestiality involving creatures of the underworld, I'll let the fans debate that one for themselves. Your comment about tentacles probably didn't help your case, though. Even so, maybe there is a legitimate reason other than a lingering sense of morality for why you've left the innocent women of Japan alone, aside from the ones you've had slaughtered in some fashion or another, of course. Sexual perversion is just one of many varieties, Naraku, so you most definitely still fall under the 'pervert' category, even if you have no sex drive. Hell…maybe that was half the problem right there. Maybe you wouldn't have been so vindictive if you'd gotten laid once in a while."

As Naraku fumes while the audience laughs, Kagome's closest friends on the dais all stare her way with a mixture of amusement and agreement in their eyes.

"I mean let's face it," the miko continues then, "you've created more incarnations than most Trekkies build model starships! Was making detachments of yourself your pastime hobby as a virgin? Just how many were there? First there was Kanna, Kagura, and Goshinki, then Juuromaru and Kageroumaru. Of course we mustn't forget about no-face Musou, nice look into your human heart that he was. Even followed in his father's footsteps of stealing a face and changing his name. And come to think of it, I stand corrected, you do possess sexual desire, even if it's only isolated to the shriveled up remains of what was once your human heart. Otherwise, how do you explain how drawn to me Musou was? True, it wasn't really me that he wanted, but that's beside the point.

"Let's see, where was I? There was that obscure hairball-youkai thing…ick, and of course we can't forget about the second appearance of your human heart in the deceptively innocent form of Akago, who for some reason possessed the starfish-like ability of reproducing himself via amputation, thus giving us his older twin brother Hakudoshi. You really outdid yourself and nearly did yourself in when he created that Mouryoumaru character, and then last and certainly least, you gave us Byakuya. You'd tried the little girl, and then an adult woman, and then a little boy, so it was finally time to try an adult man, huh? The others just weren't doing it for you? Why did you wait so long to give us an attractive, maleincarnation, anyway? Afraid of a little competition? I can't say I blame you, as unappealing as you are. Byakuya is an effeminate pansy that likes to play with origami cranes, yet he's still a hundred times more desirable than you are. Were you afraid that he'd outshine you? That he'd grow a set and want to take the spotlight away from you? It's certainly true that he was starting to realize just why Kagura had betrayed you, though in the end it was too little too late.

"Just like Miroku pointed out earlier, all of your incarnations ended up betraying you in one fashion or another, except for the ones we killed off before they were given the chance. Even Kanna, your most loyal servant and the only one you really trusted turned her back on you in the end, and do you really think Goshinki would've let you live once he caught wind of your thoughts, of how you were the master and he was merely a servant you created to do your dirty work for you? It wasn't too bright creating a mind reader, when you think about it. You're lucky Inuyasha took him out for you."

Taking a moment to gaze out over the audience, Kagome smiles at all of the entertained faces gazing back up at her. True, her routine may not be the funniest, but she is saying what needs to be said. Keeping that thought in mind, she sends a grin Inuyasha's way before getting back to her notes, knowing just the thing to piss Naraku off even more.

"And while we're on the subject, I would like to take this moment to thank you, Naraku, for the butterfly effect that you yourself set in motion with his creation. Were it not for Goshinki, we never would have discovered Inuyasha's ability to transform without Tetsusaiga's presence sealing his youkai blood. True, his transformations were dangerous and scary at first, and they caused brief bouts of angst for the storyline, but it was solely from his father's fang breaking and subsequently having to be repaired with his own fang that led to Inuyasha's mastery of the Tetsusaiga.

"You were the one who revived Ryuukotsusei, too, right? Gosh, you're just so helpful! You see, were it not for having to reacquaint himself with his sword in the challenge against Ryuukotsusei, then Inuyasha never would've unlocked the secret of the Backlash Wave, which in turn led to the discovery and development of several other powers and techniques he has since acquired, all in an attempt at getting stronger to defeat you. Now, with Tetsusaiga containing his own fang, Inuyasha and his sword are one, and thanks to the power of his awakened youkai blood, it eventually led to his ability to master control over his own inner beast, with Tetsusaiga's assistance, increasing his power in battle while not losing his mind. A technique he learned while battling Kanna's mirror monster, if I'm not mistaken. So thank you, Naraku, for all of your assistance. Inuyasha would never have become as strong as he is today were it not for you."

Kagome's smile brightens as Naraku's muttered cursing reaches her ears. Inuyasha is wearing a thoughtful expression, having never taken the time to follow the path of circumstances like she had. And she wasn't done yet.

"He's strong enough now that he has the 'begrudging' respect of his elder brother, and a positive reputation as an invaluable protector in a village full of humans who openly accept him. Kikyou knows the truth thanks to your narcissistic boasting and no longer hates him for a crime he hadn't committed, and it looks like he might even get the girl, namely me, in the end. And you know what? I never would've even traveled to the past were it not for you.

"I was dragged down the well because of the jewel in my body, which I only had because of how Kikyou had the jewel burned with her body after you killed her the first time, so ultimately, I owe you thanks on my own behalf, too. I never would've met Inuyasha if it weren't for you. While it's true that you are responsible for countless deaths, you're also responsible for our 'happily ever after'. I like to think that nature has a way of balancing itself out. It's called Inyodo, the way of yin and yang. Even you lost your hatred in the end, or at least you did in the anime. Though I guess it's been decided that the events of the anime don't count here this evening? Well in that case, it sucks to be you. The jewel really didn't grant your true wish in the end, since your wish had been for Kikyou's love."

Suddenly sporting an expression of realization as though she's just mentally slapped herself on the forehead, Kagome blurts, "I just figured it out!"

The audience and her fellow roasters murmur in curiosity while the miko takes a moment to gather herself, gazing Naraku's way with a renewed, pitying smile.

"I just figured out the real reason why you never raped any of your incarnations or anyone else. It isn't because you're not a pervert. Kami, we all know that's not true. Anyone who can come up with as many twisted, manipulative, diabolical schemes as you did is the very poster-child of perversion. You raped countless people, men and women alike, but you did it with your mind. And now I know why that was the only organ you ever used. Musou's desire for me spells it out right there, really, and Takahashi even revealed this to be true at the end. After everything you tried, after everything you did, your human heart still never got over its longing for Kikyou.

"I already knew that, I just hadn't put two and two together before now. But it makes sense, if you think about it. I mean, how could we expect you to get it up, playing the sick and twisted monster to countless rape victims, when deep down inside you still had a man's heart crying out for the one he loved? Deep down, she was you really wanted, so nobody else could do it for you, plain and simple. And since you couldn't have her, you killed her, and in doing so you unwittingly condemned yourself to an eternity of loneliness. How does that feel, Onigumo? Yeah, you may have destroyed Kikyou and Inuyasha's happiness, but you destroyed your own happiness right along with it. Not that I should really find that surprising. If there is one thing you are unquestionably an expert at, it's destroying happiness. Even those born from your flesh felt miserable and oppressed under your rule, when in theory all of your detachments should've reacted more like mindless servants, if you'd created them right. That's the trouble with playing God too well; your creations have free will."

Shifting her gaze over to said creation sitting on the barstool to her creator's left, Kagome's eyes soften noticeably as she and Kagura lock gazes.

"Kagura, there's a lot I could say about you, especially since you had no trouble bad-mouthing me earlier, but you know, I think being a slave to an evil bastard like Naraku is punishment enough already. So I'm going to show you the mercy you very rarely received and leave you alone. It's not like your jokes about me were all that creative, anyway, and you did have some nice things to say about me, too, so…thanks."

Glancing back Naraku's way, Kagome continues with, "Of course, it wasn't only Naraku's incarnations that suffered under his tyranny, as we all know." Switching to addressing Naraku personally once more she adds, "You were famous for manipulating and sometimes downright bribing others into working for you, though for any of them to agree was ultimately a death sentence. Since some of your servants were already dead to begin with, I can see how guys like the Band of Seven agreed to work for you so easily. What did they have to lose, really? All they needed to know was that someone had gifted them with a second chance to slaughter and maim. It was fun while it lasted, eh Jakotsu? Though I think we all know that killing wasn't the only thing you enjoyed during your res'erection'… Naraku might've destroyed whatever sex drive he'd once had, but that is a problem you two most certainly do not share."

Addressing the 'of Seven' representative of the evening, Kagome wears a thoughtful expression for a moment before shaking her head in amusement.

"Jakotsu, you more than implied that I was a slut, but out of all of the characters on the show, it's actually you who's taken the most cock. Kouga was half-right when he said Miroku was wrong about the series not having a whore. Although I'm sure Miroku was referring to female whores, you're definitely the next best thing. You've slept with so many guys you have to clean yourself out with lemon juice just to stay puckered. Now, I'm not blind. I can admit that Japanese school uniforms don't leave much to the imagination, but that's all I ever left anybody with, their imagination. You left people with nightmares. 'Beware the clown-faced incubus who will chop you to shreds and then have sex with the leftovers.' What are the tear marks painted on your face for, anyway? In honor of how many erections you've killed? I find it extremely difficult to believe that anybody could actually find you attractive, and yet you have a more successful track record than Miroku and Mushin combined. I guess miracles really do exist. Too bad it doesn't earn the same kind of bragging rights when you're the woman. You've been on your back more times than I've pinned Inuyasha on his stomach. Although, I've heard people argue that you're actually a top instead of a bottom, which I suppose could be true, if you like to ride it. But you're not going to be riding my man any time soon, so you need to back the hell off!"

Kagome takes a moment to compose herself and reign in her jealousy, allowing rationality to serve as a calming influence.

"Though I suppose you really aren't much of a threat. I know for a fact that Inuyasha doesn't swing that way. He's all man, and he's into all woman, and he has good taste, too. I've had the most popular guy at my school chasing after me for months, even though I blow him off on most of our dates and don't put out at all. So no, I'm not worried about some depraved, filthy man-whore one bit. You are one of the most disgusting people I have ever had the displeasure of meeting, Jakotsu. One of your comrades, however, might be even worse.

"Mukotsu," she spits, as if the name tastes unbearably foul. "Of all the characters on the show, you're right up there with Naraku in terms of being downright despicable. You have to poison a girl to get her to be in the same room with you. You have to put her on her deathbed to get her to lie with you. Do you realize how pathetic that is? That you have to hurt someone to get them to be near you? It's not your fault you were born the way you were, but that's not an excuse for how you live your life. Look at Jaken. He's ugly as sin, but he lives a meaningful life by serving a master. You need to go find yourself a lord you can worship and mindlessly follow around too. Perhaps then your character would not be even more grotesque than your body.

"What was it you said to me back then? 'Let's make a good memory before you die, girl.' Ha! A good memory? Even if I was willing, I seriously doubt you are capable of giving a girl a 'good' memory. If your cock is as deformed as your face, I fail to see how you could use it for anything other than urinating. I'm glad you lost your temper and decided to strangle me, because having my first time be with you…well, that would have been worse than death."

Her breathing is harsh, her pulse racing as she relives painful memories and terrifying nightmares. Nightmares where Sesshoumaru had not arrived to rescue her, and Mukotsu had not lost his temper, nor his lust… But the show of support from the audience buries those images and returns the smile to her face, the brightness to her eyes. And as quickly as it had come, the melancholy is gone.

"The whole Band of Seven is bloodthirsty and vile, but you two are the standouts. Of all the people I have faced repeatedly in battle, I would rather fight Sesshoumaru any day. At least he has honor. But unfortunately, honor can only take a man so far."

Shifting gears, Kagome turns her attention to Inuyasha's older half-brother.

"Sesshoumaru, you have no idea how relieved it made me when you said you have no interest in me. Because let me tell you something buddy, the last person I want to be with is you. Unlike a lot of people, I actually find you only marginally attractive. That moon on your forehead is tacky, and your eyes, despite their golden color, are so cold and lifeless that I shiver whenever I look into them. Not from fear, but because they literally drop my body temperature. Nobody could look into your eyes and get 'hot'. Well, I guess except for Kagura, but that's just one of her many issues I've decided to let go without insult tonight. To each his own, right Kagura? But seriously, Sesshoumaru, if I didn't know better, I'd have no idea you were Inuyasha's brother. You don't look like him at all; only the iris and hair colors are similar.

"And that personality…ugh! What woman in her right mind wants to feel like it's her privilege to be with a man? Like letting him hump her for two minutes twice a week is a great honor? You're the kind of guy women spend a week with and then dump. You wanna know why? Because you're so high on yourself that we're like dirt between your toes. And because you don't care enough about us to give us any more than a hint of sexual pleasure, let alone an orgasm. At least if I slept with Inuyasha, I know he'd try to make it good for me!"

A short silence ensues, during which Kagome seems to be mentally debating with herself. Finally, she nods resolutely and licks her dry lips.

"And I know he'd totally rock my world, too." she adds demurely, glancing shyly over her shoulder at the hanyou, who promptly blushes from toes to ears. But the fang poking roguishly over his lower lip says that he agrees with her. Pleased with herself, Kagome turns back to the audience.

"And another thing, Sesshoumaru. Just what the hell do you think you're doing with that little girl? I'm not accusing you of any crimes here, but there are two very different directions this relationship could go. So give it to us straight, are you her dad or her future husband? Because every 'Inuyasha' fan under the sun has grappled with this question. And, putting that thought aside for the moment, just how, exactly, do you expect to raise her to adulthood properly? Do you know anything about raising a human child? She's not a pet. This isn't Bizarre-o World where the dogs have humans running obediently at their heels. Trust me, she will grow up whether you like it or not, and probably sooner than you anticipate. How the hell are you gonna tell her where babies come from, when that issue pops up? Or are you going to dump that responsibility on me? Or worse yet, on Jaken? I can see it now. He would probably tell her how toads do it. 'Well you see, Rin, when the time comes to reproduce, you will lay your eggs in a pond, and your chosen male will fertilize them…'"

The audience roars with laughter at Kagome's skilled imitation of Jaken's thin, whiny voice. Sesshoumaru remains as passive as ever, but those who know him well can see tiny hints of anger showing through his façade. The daiyoukai is decidedly not amused, but Kagome is not impressed, nor is she finished.

"Kami forbid you try to handle that one yourself. I could see you saying something like 'A giant hole' and then when Rin asks you to elaborate, you say 'No more questions.' Maybe you'd have it in you to say something cute like they come from a 'baby tree.' Although then Rin would probably start searching every forest she came across for the elusive tree. You're just lucky she wasn't around for all that Akago business, or you would've had to explain how a creature like Naraku had managed to have a baby. I think we've established that for a man of his issues, congealment is the only way.

"But for as much crap as we've all given you with regard to Rin, it's clear the girl is happy in your company. I know what kind of life she had before, and traveling with you is definitely an improvement. So Kouga's right, you definitely owe Inuyasha one for injuring you with the Wind Scar, because you never would've met Rin otherwise, and I think her addition to your life was beneficial to the both of you. Of course, Kouga had his own hand in the deal, let's not forget. It was truly a blessing in disguise that his wolves killed Rin, because otherwise you never would've found her lifeless body and been driven to revive her with Tenseiga.

"Trying to catch flies, Kouga?" Kagome asks suddenly, snickering at the ookami's shocked expression. He had been unaware of the fact that his wolves had once killed Rin.

"Calm down, Kouga, I'm not angry with you for your past behaviors. Although, looking at you now reminds me of something I've wanted to say to you all evening. You remember that we were asked to dress up for this occasion, don't you? Surely you don't think jeans and a t-shirt qualifies? Show some respect, you hillbilly! True, this isn't a red carpet event, but it's damn close. Though I guess we all know how you feel about red carpet…"

Inuyasha guffaws, but for a moment he is the only one who gets the joke. Then understanding seems to flow through the auditorium in a wave, with mirth quickly following. Kouga is understandably stunned into silence.

"I actually don't have all that much to say to you, Kouga. Earlier, you criticized Kagura for becoming a 'good guy,' but you did the same thing! Have you forgotten how you used to let your wolves loose on helpless human villages? You can't convince me that the attack that killed Rin had been the only one. And then after kidnapping me because of my ability to see jewel shards, you tried to feed Shippou to your pack! And then you up and arbitrarily decided that I was your woman, without asking or caring how I felt about it. As if it was my privilege to be 'your woman.' You and Sesshoumaru are more alike than you realize, in that regard.

"What I'm about to say to you is something I should have said ages ago, and even though everyone else has already said it for me this evening, I know I need to say it for myself. I'm not interested. It's that simple. My heart belongs to Inuyasha, and nothing you say or do can change that. I apologize for not making that clear sooner, and allowing you to get all hung up on me. You need to forget about me and move on, Kouga. I made a joke about Ayame, but really, she's the one you should be with. At least give her a shot, because she obviously cares about you. The anime writers were kind enough to give you a fallback option. Don't waste it. Otherwise, I fear you will fade into obscurity as you did in the manga, alone and unloved.

"So please, stop chasing after me, stop coming around and declaring that I'm yours, and stop belittling Inuyasha every chance you get. Most of what you say about him is pure hogwash. I haven't become intimately acquainted with it, but I have seen Inuyasha's…well, let's just say he's not overcompensating by having a huge sword. If anything, Tetsusaiga is under-compensation.

"And wipe that big, shit-eating grin off your face, Inuyasha! It's pretty sad when the size of your dick is your best quality," she says to the hanyou, who quickly loses said grin. The atmosphere takes on a serious edge once again, and Kagome takes a deep breath, preparing to get a few things off her chest.

"And for awhile there, it was hard for me to see your good qualities. You hid them so well, behind swears, insults, and selfishness. It was fortunate that I didn't like you in the beginning, because you were such a jackass back then. But the closer I got to you, the more it hurt when you called me weak or useless, or just a 'shard detector.' You really cut down on that as time went on, and I'm grateful, but you never stopped visiting Kikyou. I understand why you needed to go see her, but I wish you had been straight with me about it. You didn't have to sneak off in the middle of the night. Perhaps I shouldn't have assumed so much about what went on at your meetings, but you never talked about it. What was I supposed to think? Maybe if you had been more open about it I wouldn't have suffered so much heartache.

"But I know that's not your way, and I accept you for it. I accept you for who you are, Inuyasha. You were a petulant jerk in the beginning, but slowly you changed. I got to know you better, we became friends, and I realized what kind of a man you really are. And…I fell in love with you. I think…that's why I always forgave you, and why I refused to leave your side. Because…I do love you. I will stand by you, no matter what. And if one day you decide that you do want me as not just a friend, but as a woman, as your lover, as the mate of your soul, then know that I will be waiting for you. Thank you."

The crowd claps politely as Kagome steps down from the podium, but there are no whoops or catcalls to ruin the moment. As Kagome walks back to her seat, she tries to resist looking over to him, but her curiosity soon gets the better of her. A brief glance, a hitch in her step, and time freezes just briefly for the two of them. Inuyasha's eyes are wide, unreadable to anyone except her. She sees in them everything he wants her to, as well as a few things he doesn't. Then the moment is over, and Kagome reclaims her seat next to Sango. She stares at her hands, oblivious to the world around her. She simultaneously feels like a fool and that she has done the right thing. A mixture of relief, regret, and embarrassment clouds her expression.

Back at the podium, Miroku has regained his position as Roast Master, though he politely waits a moment longer for the lingering applause to die down on its own before redirecting everyone's attention to himself.

"Well then…" he finally states after a moment, sending a quick, genuine smile Kagome's way, which the miko returns in kind.

"That brings us to the man of honor. Revenge, unlike ramen, is a dish best served cold. So since our friend has been steadily simmering for the entire roast, perhaps that will work in our favor. Now, he's been trying to keep his cool, but I've been watching him for the past couple hours, and it would take me at least that long just to describe all of the different faces he's made. I am quite sure he has a lot to say, so without further ado…"

Before Miroku can even finish, the crowd goes crazy, screaming and hooting. In the Hot Seat, Inuyasha smirks, his ears proud and erect as he greedily takes in the sounds of his adoring fans despite the thundering volume.

"Okay, I think we all know who you really came here to see tonight," Miroku adds, talking louder into the microphone to be heard over the ruckus. "Inuyasha, get your ass up here!"

Suddenly pumping in over the sound system, a funky synthesized melody thrusts the crowd's excitement into a whole new level, as everyone in attendance immediately recognizes the tune. In the Hot Seat, Inuyasha smoothly turns his head to wink at the camera, his gesture portrayed over the monitor screen causing the fangirls to scream out their desires to bed him. Spoken lyrics pool in through the speakers while the majority of the audience pants like dogs in time with the beat.

Yeah, this is a story of a famous dog,

For the dog that chases its tail will be dizzy.

These are clapping dogs, rhythmic dogs,

Harmonic dogs, house dogs, street dogs…

Dogs of the world unite.

Dancin' dogs…

Smoothly, Inuyasha rises from his chair.

Yeah…

Countin' dogs, funky dogs,

Nasty dogs (Dog)

Everyone in the audience sings along, hands waving in the air as people dance in their seats.

Atomic dog

Atomic dog

Inuyasha gradually makes his way over to the podium, turning and facing the audience as he pumps a fist in the air.

Like the boys

When they're out there walkin' the streets

May compete,

Nothin' but the dog in ya.

"Come on!" Inuyasha shouts over the music; the audience sings along as he waves his fists in the air.

Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay

Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay

Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay

Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay

He continues on to the podium, dancing every step of the way.

Like the boys

When they're out there walkin' the streets

May compete,

Nothin' but the dog in ya.

Why must I feel like that?

Ohhhhh why must I chase the cat?

"Just the dog in me!" Inuyasha shout-sings into the mike as the music fades away, the audience whistling and roaring, hands coming together like thunder.

Patiently, the hanyou waits with the champion of all smirks upon his face for the audience to cool down.

"Thank you!" he shouts out once he's sure he can be heard over the noise. The crowd renews their vigorous applause for a moment but is quick to settle down once more, everyone eager to hear what their favorite character has to say in his own defense.

"At least some people know how to show proper respect around here," Inuyasha continues, waving a final show of thanks to his adoring fans before turning to glance toward the dais.

"Now, I ain't no Triumph, but let's see if I can give this insult-comic-dog thing a try."

Cracking his knuckles, he makes a show of sizing up each of the roasters present.

"You people make me sick…no, literally. Would it have killed you to bathe before coming here tonight? I've got a sensitive nose, you know. Although, I think even on my human night I'd have been able to smell the staggering amount of bullshit that's been spewed here this evening."

Glancing back to the audience, he gestures with a wave of his hand, "You guys in the front row are lucky you didn't need rain jackets."

A few people snicker while Inuyasha narrows his eyes, clearly going over a mental list of everything that has been said about him this evening. After a moment of sweet agony for everyone waiting with baited breath to hear what he has to say, he turns his head and locks eyes with Miroku.

"Damn, Houshi…" he mutters while shaking head. "I always knew you were full of hot air, but I didn't expect the temperature on stage to raise five degrees every time you opened your mouth. You sure know how to get Sango fired up, just too bad for you it ain't in a good way. She's such a little tease, isn't she? She sure can rip that yukata off in a hurry, too, just too bad for you it's only in battle and when she's got that black leather painted on underneath. I agree that that outfit of hers puts the 'form' in uniform, but man, ever hear of a little thing called tact? And what was with all the sex jokes about everyone else? I guess that ol' saying really is true, after all, 'He who speaks doesn't know'… You really are a one-note, and that note is Sango shouting 'Hentai!'

"I didn't think it was physically possible, but your routine both sucked and blew at the same time. I'm just glad your wind tunnel's gone, or the opposing forces would've probably killed us all! Though I'm sure you probably miss that little glory hole of yours. Sure took palming yourself to a whole other level. Until Sango finally came around, that was the only hole you ever ejaculated into. At least now we know you've gotten to do it at least twice. So since you're the one so big on sex jokes, tell us…how does it feel to finally lose your virginity?"

The audience laughs a bit at this, while a few people up on the dais chuckle as well. Miroku attempts to take it in stride as he also laughs, though Sango doesn't appreciate her man going along with a joke that includes her own virtue as collateral damage. Narrowing her eyes, she glances quickly in Inuyasha's direction before huffing to herself and looking away, though her little moment of fluster is not lost on the hanyou and he immediately latches onto it.

"What are you narrowing your eyes at, bitch?" he calls her out, smirking. "What, you can dish it out but you can't take it? I think you got just what you deserve, getting settled with the lecher. And you said you didn't have any glaring mental defects. Ha! You love Miroku…if that doesn't qualify as a 'mental defect' then I don't know what does!"

Pausing for a moment as though truly giving the matter some thought, Inuyasha places a clawed finger on his chin before continuing.

"Although, I do have to admit, you're pretty damn strong, for a human." Lowering his hand he adds, "It's just unfortunate that being opinionated is your greatest strength. We've all screwed up in the past, so do me a favor and save the ball-busting for your husband. I already have one bitch in my life, I don't need two, as has been clearly established…

"And you know you like it when I call you that, Kagome, so don't even try it," he adds, and the younger of the two miko on the couch snaps her mouth closed.

"I might be far from perfect, but let's take a moment to think about where the rest of you guys would be if you hadn't met me…"

Gazing steadily at each of the roasters present, the inu-hanyou relishes in how they unconsciously squirm under his scrutiny.

"Let's start with the wench, first. If you hadn't met me, Hojo would probably be laying you down in bed this very moment, getting ready to put his little carrot stick in you. Five…four…three…two…one…Oh! Hojo's done! And now he's snoring, and you cry yourself to sleep after putting another tally on your 'I've had sex this many times without an orgasm' list. The current total is 127. That's a lot of dissatisfaction, don't you think? The baby wakes up crying at 12:30 in the morning, and Hojo is frisky again when you come back to bed. Two minutes later, he's asleep again, and the tally is 128.

"Miroku, you would be dead. Your bones would be in the shit of some demon who transformed into a beautiful woman, seduced you, and then devoured you. Ah, well, I guess there's some honor in dying a virgin, since if it weren't for me, you would've never met the one and only woman to ever tolerate your ass, not to mention your fixation with hers.

"In turn, Sango, you would've never met the letch… Not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing, but you know you love him, so you're welcome.

"Sesshoumaru, you would've never lost your arm, and you'd probably have Tetsusaiga… Actually, you would probably be better off without me. Too fucking bad!

"Naraku, do you have any idea how bored you'd be without me? Who would you plot against? Where would you find a back-story as fucked up as mine to play with? Face it; you need me to validate your own existence.

"Kikyou…" Pausing to take a deep, calming breath, his eyes soften just a little bit, as his voice grows a tad softer.

"I would like to say that if it weren't for me, your life wouldn't have gotten cut short, but we all know that probably isn't true. I hadn't even known anything about Onigumo, and his desire for you and the jewel didn't really have anything to do with me. If I hadn't been around, then I'm sure he would've come up with some other ideas for how to taint the jewel. He would've become Naraku either way. So your death wasn't really my doing, Kikyou, and while I'm sorry for what you went through, I can't allow myself to feel guilty about it any longer. You need to get it through that artificial skull of yours that my place is with Kagome. She's not your copy, she's not your replacement, and she's most certainly not you. Reincarnation or no, you two are entirely different women, and while I know it sucks, Kikyou, your fate was to die that day. Kagome's fate was to get dragged down the well. She and I were born for each other, and I will not now, nor will I ever join you in Hell. I would also like to take this opportunity to officially state for the record that just because I told your sister in passing that, at that time, I would've joined you in Hell if that was your wish, that does not constitute me ever having made a binding vow to that effect. You need to quit twisting my words. It's just like Kouga declaring that wolves mate for life and suddenly people think that Kagome should have a bite mark on her neck."

Over on the dais, Kagome's eyes are sparkling with unshed tears, a huge grin on her face, while two seats over Kikyou has her arms crossed, refusing to meet anyone's gaze.

"And speaking of mangy, obtuse egomaniacs…" Inuyasha continues, addressing the audience.

"Kouga is here with us this evening. If it weren't for him meeting me and my pack, he would still be running around searching for the elusive wolf-youkai female, as there certainly aren't any in his sausage-fest of a tribe."

Turning to meet the ookami's gaze head on, Inuyasha adds, "Don't know why you insist on denying Ayame. Ain't nothing wrong with being anime-exclusive, especially when there ain't no wolf females in the manga. But if you wanna keep looking, be my guest. You better find one soon, or you'll have to start knocking up dudes so your tribe doesn't go extinct! Maybe you could get Jakotsu to volunteer."

Over on the dais, the wolf and mercenary are sporting equal expressions of horror. Inuyasha chuckles to himself in amusement.

"I think it's also fairly safe to say that if you'd never met me, then you wouldn't be suffering from such an extreme case of sword envy. You're right, wolf, I do have a big sword, and I know how to pull it out and use it! You carry a sword too; we always see it hanging limply by your leg, but I've never heard any mention of you actually pulling it out, let alone knowing how to use it properly. You think you can impress Kagome with your empty declarations of unrequited love? Women like guys who know how to use their swords."

He sends a wink Kagome's way and she flushes hotly, while the audience snickers.

"I suppose I should be in the middle of a jealous rampage telling you to stay the fuck away from my woman, but everyone else has already done that job for me, including the wench herself. Let's face it, Kouga, I win, you lose. You should learn how to shut your yap so you can finally quit embarrassing yourself. The only part of hearing you babble here tonight that wasn't a total endorsement for earplugs was your bit about Sesshoumaru. I gotta admit, that was some fuckin' funny shit right there.

"Right, Fluffy?" he asks, turning to lock amused eyes with his brother's murderous gaze.

"What's the matter? Don't like the Fandom nickname? Don't know who first came up with it, but I think it's cute. In fact, I'm gonna make sure to say it when Rin's within earshot. She'll probably make up some song about your fruity boa, and since you can't yell at her you'll just have to take it out on Jaken. Win/win for me, since I've never much cared for that toad anyway. What, exactly, does he do for you? Besides function as your own personal narcissism-amplifier. But honestly, was that the best you could do for a groveling servant? Some water-brained kappa? Myouga makes a better retainer! Sure, he's cowardly, but at least he can be useful on occasion, and he can tell me things about Father. Something you'd never do. What a toss-up. After Mom's death, I was left with precisely two people in this world to look after me; one of them was a bloodthirsty youkai, and the other was a flea. It's a miracle I survived."

Not wanting to bring down the mood, Inuyasha waves his hand in a way meant to indicate it's all water under the bridge. Then with a growing smirk on his lips and twinkle in his eyes, he turns back to address his brother once more.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru, when you're in your true youkai form, do you ever do that thing dogs do? You know, suck yourself off? Is that why you haven't gotten laid in like forever? Did you accidentally burn your dick off by drooling poison on it?"

Over on the dais, Miroku can't help but laugh at that mental picture, glad that Kouga is sitting between himself and the seething daiyoukai.

"What are you laughing at, monk?" Inuyasha calls out in that moment.

"You haven't scored in so long your penis went to the police and reported an identity theft. I can make pussy jokes, too, ya know. It ain't hard. Can I get a 'That's what she said'? Here goes…you've got plenty of experience riding Sango's pussy, so Kirara doesn't have to worry about you losing your balance any more. That's right, that nekomata is the only pussy you've ridden in years, but enough about your sexual limitations; I'm ripping on Fluffy right now."

As the audience laughs, Sango blushes while most of the dais chuckles, Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowing even further at the continued use of the dreadful nickname.

"Thought I'd get sidetracked, didn't you Fluffy? Nope, I'm still on you, and you better enjoy it, since this is the only kinda way anybody's gonna be 'on' you. Totosai is more virile than you are, and he hasn't had a hard-on since he fucked your mom about nine months before you were born. That's right, Fluffy, you're the bastard in this family!

"Let me ask you something, big brother, since we all seem to be perverts here this evening. Exactly just how old are you, and, honestly, how long has it been since you've had sex? I mean, good God! You must be ready to blow! No wonder Social Services are keeping their eye on Rin. They don't buy your lame-ass excuses for one minute, and neither do I. Why the fuck else would you let her hang around with you? Because you were lonely? Do you honestly think that protecting a human girl makes you a deep, emotional character? It doesn't! It just makes you a pedophile waiting to happen. Oh, sure, you say you've got more honor than to do anything with a 'child', but that's a gray area larger than Naraku's miasma cloud. After all, kids were considered adults waaaaay earlier back in the Sengoku jidai. Back home, she could be an adult and your wife, and in this century, your ass would be thrown in jail faster than you could threaten Jaken's life.

"Then again, I can't really say I blame you, given your other choices. Just so long as you wait until Rin is really an adult, then I'll give you my blessing. I mean, what are your other options, really? Some random, faceless youkai bitch? Yeah, that'll happen. Kagome? Ha! Once again, no jealous rampage needed. Kagura?"

Pausing for a moment, Inuyasha once again places a clawed finger upon his chin, as though he is truly giving the matter some serious thought.

"Aside from the fact that the woman is a detachment of Naraku, I don't really have any complaints there, either. Yeah, she may be a bit overbearing at times, but look on the bright side, if you swung that way, then at least your kids wouldn't come out looking like me. Although, on the other hand, I can't really say she's perfect for you, either, considering she actually wants you…gotta be something loose in there." Inuyasha finishes, tapping his head to emphasize the point.

Shifting gears, he glances one stool over to meet the wind-youkai's gaze.

"You know, Kagura, I actually grew to respect you towards the end there, but you have really bad taste in men. What woman in her right mind would have the hots for my brother?"

He visibly shudders…

"But again, I s'ppose I can't really say I blame you, considering the fucking sadistic bastard that used to hold your heart. Not that you ever actually cared for Naraku. He just used to hold your heart, literally. After that kind of enslavement, no wonder your perception of Sesshoumaru got a bit warped. Hiten would've seemed like a kami-send in comparison to Naraku, and he liked to eat women…again, in the literal sense."

As everyone laughs, Inuyasha takes a moment to collect himself, adding a final "Yup, any man would've looked better than Naraku," before again shifting his gaze one barstool to the left, his eyes looking over the dark hanyou himself.

"I don't even know where to start with you," he states in a disappointed tone of voice, like a reprimanding father.

"Then again, I really don't need to say all that much, considering Kagome covered just about everything. Damn, she burned you worse than the fire that destroyed your human body in the first place. How much do you think your detachments enjoyed seeing that? Or how about Jinenji throwing you through the wall? I laughed my fucking ass off, and I'm sure they did too. You spawned them all, but they have no loyalty to you. Oh, you know what you should do, Naraku? You should make an incarnation that's an exact duplicate of yourself, so that you can go fuck yourself! And I'm sure you would fuck your clone-incarnation, too, you fucking perv! You might still be hung up on Kikyou, but if there's one person you love more than her, it's yourself.

"And Miroku was definitely wrong about the series not having a whore, though I think the wench was wrong, too. Oh, there's definitely is a whore among us, but I just ain't so sure it's Jakotsu. I mean, let's look at this thing statistically, since you're so fond of mathematical statistics. Out of everyone who's ever appeared in the manga or anime, it's you, Naraku, who has had the most people 'inside' of him. In fact, I just realized I need to take a shower when I get home, because you've had all of us inside of you…at the same time! On two separate occasions! And the first time you had a bunch of people inside of you, you had a baby…maybe Akago wasn't artificially created, after all. Shit, and he had white hair…well I ain't paying child support! In fact, I take back everything I just said. We'll just pretend the whole thing never happened, just like all the men Jakotsu ever slept with are doing."

Shifting gears once more, Inuyasha adjusts his gaze to address the undead mercenary himself.

"And as for you, you clown-faced, pickle kissing, ass diving, rim licking, cum collecting, corpse raping feltcher breath…" Pausing, he inhales deeply before shouting, "Stay the FUCK away from me!"

Panting heavily, Inuyasha is only vaguely aware of the audience laughing as he focuses his murderous gaze on the Band of Seven member. Jakotsu is wearing a shocked and saddened expression, as though his true love has just unexpectedly broken up with him, though everyone can tell there's no true emotion behind the look beyond the bitterness of losing a favorite toy.

"What the hell is your fixation with me, anyway?" Inuyasha continues. "Most people are disgusted by my hanyou traits, and yeah sure, Kagome ain't, but that's 'cause she loves me. You're just sick! I think it's actually because I'm half inu-youkai that you're drawn to me so badly. After all, you did say you liked my hanyou-self better when you saw me human. Maybe we should add 'bestiality' to your list of deviant traits, right along side maiming and necrophilia. Now I know I've taken some heat tonight for being hanyou, but it ain't like I wasn't expecting it, and there were even some more creative canine jokes thrown in, so I say screw it, if we're gonna do it, let's go for broke.

"You think I can't handle a few dog references? Ha! And I'm allowed to say them since I'm the dog. So tell us, Jakotsu, why do you want to fuck a dog so badly? It's all dogs, ain't it? Or at least all dogs on TV. It can't be just me. I bet alongside your collection of whips, cuffs and ball-gags is a jar of peanut butter. For example, Odie never closes his mouth, but he does when you come around! He pulls that tongue in faster than Garfield can scarf down his lasagna. And he has to eat it that fast, too, otherwise you'd probably put a pair of fuzzy ears in it and fuck it. Scooby Doo sees you coming and says 'Oh ro, rot ry rass!'… Although, I bet Kagome's right, you're the bitch. In fact, your asshole is so big that even Clifford would be like 'Am I in yet?' After you watched 101 Dalmatians, you sent Disney a letter ranking all of the puppies in 'Hotness' from 1 to 101!"

As the audience laughs heartily, Inuyasha shakes his head as if he's giving up in a futile intervention. His eyes lock with Jakotsu's one last time.

"You're just lucky you already killed your parents back when they first sent you to gay therapy after you swore off women at age ten. Otherwise they would've both committed seppuku by this point to preserve what little honor they had left."

Inuyasha shifts his gaze out into the audience, scanning the crowd for where the rest of the Shichinin-tai are seated.

"But Jakotsu ain't the only psychopath in this group, so how did the rest of you guys get so fucked up?" he asks almost conversationally, his eyes locking onto the mercenaries in question. As Inuyasha takes a moment to size each of them up, the spotlight follows his gaze, the rest of the audience snickering as the remaining six 'of Seven' appear on the monitor screen.

"I would ask where your parents are, assuming any of you still had them, but since I'm an orphan too I know that ain't no excuse. I may've been a bit of a bastard in the beginning, but you guys definitely take the cake, with a side of ice cream.

"Bankotsu…seriously, dude? I think Kagura's right. While my sword certainly ain't for compensation, we all know you're human, and therefore probably plagued by certain 'limitations' my hanyou status thankfully makes me exempt from. But even I know when to say enough is enough where weapon size is concerned.

"Suikotsu, you need to get over those damn malpractice lawsuits already; you only owe about $3,000,000! And stay on your meds, for fuck's sake.

"Kyoukotsu…"

Sighing, the hanyou glances over the rest of audience before shifting his gaze to the dais for a moment, so that he's no longer addressing the mercenary personally, but everyone else in attendance.

"Really, why do we care about that guy? He lost to Kouga. That's like an infant beating you in a spelling bee. Renkotsu's just an asshole, so nobody could possibly love him, and Ginkotsu has apparently been sent back in time from the year 2029, when cyborgs have taken over the planet… Seriously, these guys would be rejected by the Island of Misfit Toys.

"Though I take back my question about what happened to their parents. At least I know what happened to Mukotsu's mom; she bled to death because she tried to push him back in."

Glancing back out into the audience, Inuyasha meets Mukotsu's narrowed gaze head on.

"Mukotsu, you're so ugly, the blind girl at the bar takes one not-look at you and says 'no thanks'. Seriously, that's a face not even Manten's mother would love. You even have to pour beer on your hand first before you can masturbate."

Everyone in attendance laughs at Mukotsu's expense, including Naraku, which does not go unnoticed by the inu-hanyou.

"What the fuck are you laughing at, Naraku? You had to literally squeeze Kagura's heart to get her to submit to those 27 seconds of shame!"

Losing his grin for a moment, the dark hanyou's expression is quick to become more sinister, as he smirks wickedly before loudly declaring "You're just upset with Mukotsu because he made you cry. I so would have loved to have seen that."

Inuyasha noticeably bristles for a moment at the comment, though he doesn't take long to regain himself, his expression serious.

"You're right, I was crying, because I had thought for a moment that Kagome and the others had died. Unlike you, I have emotions other than jealousy and hatred. Despite all our squabbles, I can safely say that I love the wench."

Over on the dais, Kagome's eyes widen, her attention focused solely on the man of honor. Inuyasha immediately notices her gaze, shifting his focus to her as well.

"You hear that, Kagome? I said the 'L' word, are you impressed? I guess I'm suffering from a glaring mental defect of my own. Everyone's right, you know, I never know which way you're going. You've got hot and cold running emotions, throwing yourself at me one minute and then screaming your head off the next. Your short skirts are virtually pornographic for my time period, and yet if anyone around you says anything you perceive to be indecent, you immediately label them the hentai. You're basically pulling the same BS as any skank in a nightclub that wears one of those tops that's about two threads away from spilling her boobs all over the dance floor, who then turns around and gets offended when guys forget how far up her eyeballs are.

"Not that I really mind your short skirts all that much, if I have to be honest. Even the fact that other guys get to see you in that outfit is an acceptable price to pay when I'm the one who gets to palm those lovely legs whenever I carry you on my back. It's just too bad I'm always carrying you out of necessity instead of enjoyment. It's a little hard to savor the moment when I have about two seconds to yank you outta the way of some youkai's attack.

"Wench, you were so fucking helpless in the beginning it's not even funny! I lost count of the number of times I had to save you by episode seven. Hell, I could've fucking thrown an arrow farther than you could shoot one. And you're such a k-klutz…"

On the couch, Kagome's once wide eyes are now narrowed into slits, as though she is silently daring Inuyasha to finish his sentence.

"I…uh, you…um…"

Kouga's sudden laughter immediately draws Inuyasha's attention as he glares daggers at the wolf-youkai before growling out, "What the fuck are you laughing at, ya mangy wolf?"

"Well, Dog-shit, that would be the fact that you're afraid of a chick!"

"Hmph…" Inuyasha snorts. "You try wearing this fucking thing…" he states, yanking on rosary for emphasis, "…and be fearless, asshole!"

"Dumb ass!" Kouga shouts back. "Have you forgotten the contract we all signed before they started the show tonight? She can't 'Sit' you, or else she doesn't get paid!"

"Hey…yeah!" he realizes aloud, a look of epiphany overcoming him.

Clearing his throat, Inuyasha leans over the microphone slowly and precisely.

"Wench, there's something I've always wanted to say to you…"

Kagome's once narrowed eyes widen once more as she gulps silently, not sure she likes the sudden sparkle in his eyes.

"Of all of the women that I've ever met, you are by far the biggest, craziest, most psychotic, emotionally challenged wench there is. You constantly shift between acting like you love me, acting like you can't stand me, and treating me like your pet. Meanwhile, I'm the one who gets the bad rep of suffering from schizophrenia in the Fandom. If you actually read the manga, you'd see that my youkai side never once spoke to me like a devil on my shoulder. But I wouldn't be surprised if you were hearing voices, with as many different personalities as you like to portray. Trying to have a serious conversation with you is like playing Russian Roulette! And then I get blamed for that, too! Like I just don't know how to say things right! Feh! Sure, I might not be the most articulate guy on the planet, but maybe if you actually learned to listen once in a while before instantly jumping to conclusions, then you wouldn't get as butt-hurt as you always do. And you wonder why it's so hard for me to open up to you! If you weren't such an unreasonable, trigger happy bit—"

"OSUWARI!"

"Gah!"

Inuyasha crashes painfully against the podium and collapses along with it to the stage floor. Gasps of shock ring out amongst the startled crowd, while Kagome's self-satisfied declaration of "Totally worth it," somehow works to immediately lighten the mood.

From his place on the ground, Inuyasha's identical utterance of "Totally worth it…" easily reaches the audience through the microphone's close proximity to his mouth, and everyone chuckles after detecting the hint of amusement in his voice. Prying himself up off the floor and out of the debris of what was once a nice podium, he picks up the wireless microphone with his left hand, continuing his routine while sending a pointed glare in Kagome's direction.

"See what I mean?" he asks the audience, gesturing Kagome's way with a toss of his hand. Addressing the miko directly, he continues.

"Figures…you can't handle it, so then you 'subdue' me, your cure-all answer to any situation you feel is too uncomfortable to handle like a mature adult. Not that anyone's ever mistaken you for a mature adult, of course. And you've been pulling that shit for years! Grow up already! I get that when we first met, your world truly hadn't considered you an adult at only age fifteen…believe me, I can understand why…but you don't have that excuse any longer. And to be perfectly honest, you didn't have that excuse back then, either. While in my world, you were an adult at age fifteen. Most women that age would already be married with at least one baby, playing the part of a responsible mother."

Over on the couch, Kagome's eyes are wide once more, sparkling with the shine of gathering moisture as her lower lip quivers slightly, a single tear sliding down her cheek as she gazes Inuyasha's way with hurt in her eyes.

His own eyes roll at the display.

"Put the saline away, Kagome…" he says, tapping his nose with his right index finger. "I've known you long enough to know when you're faking it. They don't hand out Oscars at the end of this show."

Huffing and blushing slightly, the future-born miko crosses her arms in front of her chest, counting the seconds until Inuyasha's routine is over.

Staring a bit longer in her direction, even after she turns her gaze away from his, Inuyasha's eyes soften marginally, a small smile reaching his lips.

"Though, I know you have it in you to be a nurturing mother, Kagome. After all, there is the runt… You more or less adopted him after we avenged his father's death. Whether you truly think of him as your son, or more like a second little brother, there's no doubt in anyone's mind that you care deeply for the kit. I suppose as far as annoying little kids are concerned, Shippou isn't that bad, though that brat's sure lucky he's not here right now after the shit he pulled with those fucking pictures!"

Shuddering at the self-reminder of Shippou's humiliating slideshow while the audience laughs at his expense one final time, Inuyasha knows there's nothing he can really say in defense of himself as far as denying the truth of what everyone saw, so instead, he focuses on a different kind of defense.

"I mean come on, can you blame me for peeking up her skirt or jerking off in the hot spring? Look at what Takahashi did to me! That was the longest emotional roller coaster in the history of the world. Children grew up and left for college while my love life remained undecided!"

Pausing a moment to tilt his head from side to side, audibly cracking his neck, Inuyasha's gaze becomes steely as he brings the microphone closer to his lips, his voice softer, more menacing.

"Oh yeah, it's her turn in the fire, now. After all, what 'Inuyasha Roast' would be complete without paying tribute to the creator, am I right?"

The audience cheers in appreciation for the author of the manga they have come to love so much, and Inuyasha waits patiently for the noise to die down.

"Oh, yes, praise Goddess Rumiko!" he agrees sarcastically, then frowns, the audience immediately growing silent at his tone.

"No, you know what? Screw that! I put up with 558 chapters of this bullshit, and did I get even a remotely satisfying ending? Hell no! I didn't even get a fucking kiss! Oh, what's that…?"

Pausing, Inuyasha holds up his right hand to the side of his head, gesturing with his thumb and pinkie finger like his hand is a telephone. "Hello? Oh, it's for you…" he says, holding his hand out towards audience. "It's Rumiko, phoning it in."

Over on the dais, Miroku chimes in with, "Now Inuyasha, to be fair, you did get a kiss in the anime."

"No thanks to Takahashi…" the hanyou mumbles in reply, adding louder, "Besides, the anime doesn't count, remember? And anyway, you call that a kiss? I didn't even get any tongue! Fucking Kouga got a better kiss than I did!"

"It wasn't me!" the wolf-demon whines from his barstool.

"Yeah yeah yeah…" Inuyasha waves off, getting ready to continue his rant until sudden movement off to the side has him freezing in place.

The main spotlight swings over to the couch, illuminating Jakotsu as he happily rises from his seat, moving to head towards the hanyou. Inuyasha's eyes grow large in alarm.

"Wh-what the hell are you doing?"

"Hang on, my little koinu! I'm com—waaa!" he exclaims as a jealous leg suddenly shoots out and trips him, sending him sprawling to the floor. The owner of said leg rises gracefully to her feet, stepping on the groaning mercenary as she makes her way purposefully toward the remains of the podium. Inuyasha is no longer horrified, but he is still frozen, like a deer caught in headlights.

Kagome steps right up to Inuyasha, and grabbing both of his forelocks and yanking down until he's at the right level, she leans forward and smashes their mouths together, her tongue immediately plunging past the barrier of his lips. He hesitates for less than a second before swiftly falling into the rhythm of the pace she has set, his hands snaking up to slither behind her, pulling her in even closer as he rests the hand holding the mike between her shoulder blades while tangling the other one in her hair. Kagome releases her grip on his forelocks, both arms wrapping around his neck as she allows him to dominate the kiss, which he has no trouble doing as his tongue battles furiously with hers for power, tasting and teasing, before driving her tongue back into her own mouth, following it in as he devours every inch of her.

In need of air, they eventually pull apart, and smugly, Inuyasha turns back to the audience and camera, his right arm hooked possessively around Kagome's side, keeping the miko next to him, as he brings the mike back to his lips.

"See, Takahashi? It isn't so hard. Two fanfiction writers did in one paragraph what you couldn't do in 558 chapters. So you know what, I only have one thing to say to you, Rumiko, and this applies to the rest of you as well. Fuck you, bitches! Good night!"

Dropping the microphone with a loud thump that rattles out through the speakers, Inuyasha swoops Kagome up into his arms bridal style before sauntering off stage, heading for his private dressing room, the thunderous roar of the audience cheering him on every step of the way. The hungry look in his eyes suggests there will be no encore.

Over on the dais, nearly everyone is applauding as well, save for Kouga and Kikyou, who are silently fuming and looking defeated, and Naraku, who is yet again attempting and failing to look threatening. Even Sesshoumaru is wearing the tiniest of smirks, and for once, his amusement doesn't fill anyone else with terror.

As the monitor on the back wall lights up with a slideshow of classic Inuyasha manga covers, the audience goes wild, one by one rising to their feet to give the inu-tachi a standing ovation as everyone remaining on stage takes a moment to bow politely, the soothing melody of 'Every Heart' drifting through the speakers as they take their exit one by one.

An hour later, a man sits alone in a private room at the back of the auditorium. Everyone has left except for the cleanup crews. The man stares through the room's only window, which gives him an excellent view of the empty stage. His eyes are sunken and fatigue shows on his face. A vein throbs in his forehead, a clear sign of a pounding headache. His mouth hangs open slightly; even after all this time, he still cannot believe what he has just witnessed.

The door opens and in hops a young assistant carrying a cardboard box.

"Here you go, boss. All the tapes from the cameras. I can't wait to start editing; the TV airing of this roast is going to be great!"

The boss shakes his head, the action of a man who has just committed a grave sin and is seeking to redeem himself. "Burn them. With any luck, no human being will ever again be exposed to this vile, insidious monstrosity."

The End