For several minutes, Bud could do nothing but stare at the tiny pair of shoes in his hand. The shoes were white with pink roses, bought especially to match the dress that Harriet's mother had sent them for Sarah. He found that he couldn't do anything but stare at them, imagining how pretty their baby would have looked in these things he was now packing up for the children's hospital.
Sitting back, Bud let his mind wonder, and he begin to picture what things would have been like if they had been able to bring their daughter home instead of having to bury her.
He could see AJ staring in wonder at the new little baby when they brought her home from the hospital and with a sad smile he could see his young son's hand reaching out carefully to touch his baby sister's own tiny hand.
He could imagine all the sleepless nights they would have had when Sarah needed feeding or changing or just comforting.
He could see Sarah seated in a high chair, making funny faces at the baby food vegetables.
As the imagine advanced in his imagination, he could see Harriet helping Sarah to stand on unsure legs before she moved back a few paces, clapping her hands together to encourage the little girl to take a few steps with AJ joining in with her. He heard himself giving encouragement to his baby, even as he made sure that this moment would be caught on videotape. And he heard their celebration as Sarah took her first few unsure steps. . .
He knew her first word would have been 'mama' or 'daddy' or maybe even 'no'. He could see taking AJ and Sarah to the park, and both would play on the swings, demanding that Mama and Daddy push them higher all the while laughing in delight.
And his mind went further still, as he could imagine that at 16 her smile would have looked like Harriet's, and that she'd favored her mother in every way. He imagined Sarah getting ready to go to her senior prom, and he saw her as she got ready to walk down the aisle to pledge her love to a fine young man who would have been his son-in-law.
Bud was exactly sure when the tears began to fall as he stared at the shoes in his hand. They should have been able to celebrate their daughter's arrival in the world and not grieve her death. He wondered, had he even allowed himself to really grieve for her. Ever since they'd heard the horrible words that Sarah was gone before her life even began, he'd been trying to find out what went wrong, and he'd focused on making sure the doctor never did this to other parents.
He had tried to be there for Harriet but talking about their loss had been too painful for him to handle. Even now, while he handle prosecuting a case where a man claimed he had been divinely led to where his badly beaten wife laid -- well the issue was a little too close to home. It hurt to think that a man who probably nearly beaten his wife to death might be telling the truth and he was led to her in time to save her life. And yet God hadn't held his baby in high enough value to save her life-- yes it hurt but it also made him angry. At that moment, everything he felt was summed up into one simple question for God:
Why?
"Bud?"
Bud wiped his face, quickly placing the shoes back into their package before placing it into the donation box. He'd picked up a small pink teddy bear that had been a gift from Sarah's godmother, looking at it for a second when Harriet appeared at the doorway.
"Bud, Commander Rabb is on the-- Bud?" Harriet stopped when she saw that he was nearly in tears, and she knew already that he'd been crying. Turning around Harriet walked back out of the room to ask Harm if he'd call back later.
"Can this wait, sir?" Harriet asked.
"Yes, I suppose it can wait until tomorrow," Harm said. "Harriet, is something wrong?"
"Oh nothing that being with my husband won't help, sir"
"In that case, I'll let you go. Goodnight, Harriet."
"Goodnight, sir."
Harriet hung up the phone and hurried back to the room where she'd left Bud. This time he didn't even try hiding his tears as she knelt beside him. Bud fell into her arms crying, and Harriet joined him, relived that he was finally allowing himself to grieve for their loss.
And still only one question only one question came to their minds as they held one another and cried for their baby daughter. . .
Why?
The End