Wow! Long time, no update! Sorry it's been so long in coming, I know you are all just dying to know how this crazy ass story will end. I'll try to get this wrapped up soon, and get the updates out as quickly as possible. Enjoy!

Back down in the dungeons, Hermione snuck around the corner of the classroom, gently tossed the sorting hat towards Snape's office and waited in a dark corner while the hat bounced his way towards the door. A few minutes passed before the door creaked open and the sorting hat, seeing his opportunity, bounded up in a great leap and landed firmly on the potion master's head. For a brief moment, there was a struggle as Snape attempted to pry the hat off, but finally the hat gained the upper hand and Snape began his usual hat-induced strut towards Hermione. Snape eyed her with a smoldering look, which was revolting and unseemly to her, but she forced her eyes to meet his look. For the moment, something was peculiarly changed from the previous encounters she'd had with Snape under the hat's control.

"Something's different with you." Hermione cast a pensive look at the ensemble, and suddenly she was struck by the difference. "It's Snape, he's not all boggy eyed and drooling. He looks like he's aware." Hermione took a nervous step towards the door, sensing something had gone wrong. "What's going on, hat, did you fuck this up, too?" Snape took a quick step forward and grabbed her by the arm.

"Yes, Hermione, I would say this hat has fucked everything up." Snape looked down at her, the fiery look in his eyes threatening to burn straight through her. She jerked her arm away from him and turned to run, but Snape quickly reached out and grabed her sharply by the shoulders, spinning her into a tight embrace. "Not so quick, girl, we have a lot we need to discuss." Snape, the hat still scrunched low on his head in a seemingly deep concentration, gripped Hermione tightly by the arm and led her into his office.

"Have a seat, Hermione." Snape pushed her towards a mahogany leather armchair, and she fell unceremoniously into it. With a flick of his wand, Snape sent a glass and a bottle of firewhiskey clinking onto his desk. He sat down and poured himself a glass, drank it quickly and refilled it before resuming his unsettling eye contact with her.

"I'd offer you a glass," Snape began as he downed another shot "but it wouldn't be appropriate for someone in your condition." Snape slammed the glass on the desk and sounded out a high pitched peal of uncharacteristic laughter. "So, it seems you and the damned old hat have been having a bit of fun then. I can't fault you for that, my more emotional side can be quite irresistible." Snape paused to smirk at the confounded expression that began to spread against Hermione's face. "Oh, yes, Hermione, that's me in the hat. Well, more my emotions than actually me. Love, lust, pleasure, joy, happiness; all those raw emotions were put into the hat. That was Dumbledore's idea, to keep me from emoting anything other than hatred and pain and anger to the Dark Lord. That is the reason you see your potions master as such a dour, greasy old git. He's only half a soul." Snape paused to reflect on this for a moment "And the shitty half, at that."

Hermione sat in stunned silence. Her brain was working overtime to process what she had just heard. Was he serious? Could the sorting hat really be the gentler half of Snape's soul? The idea bounced around wildly around her head. Her feelings of denial quickly turned to feelings of anger and betrayal. She stood quickly from her chair, and paced back a forth while an uneasy chuckle forced its way out of her throat. "You're the hat. You're the fucking hat! What the hell, what the hell were you thinking?"

"Slow down, Hermione, I had no control over the hat's actions. When a soul is split that way, both halves control themselves separately. The whole person is no longer in control of what happens. Honestly, I'm just as shocked as you are." Snape rose from his chair and placed a gentle hand on Hermione's shoulder. "I had no idea that the part of my soul kept in the hat would be able to take possession of a body. That's why we put it in a hat, I knew it would be a total whore." Snape shrugged sadly and shook his head. "I didn't think it would be able to cause any trouble as a goddamned sorting hat. Obviously I was mistaken."

"You were mistaken?" Hermione pushed Snape away from her as tears began to roll down her cheek. "I fell in love with a hat! A sentient fucking hat which contained half the soul of a fucking git of a potions master. I'm in love with a goddamned hat, and pregnant by the goddamned professor. And all you can say is you were mistaken? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT!" Hermione fell to the floor as her body was overtaken by sobs, and Snape lowed himself to the floor next to her.

"Look, I'm not the hat. I'm not even the Professor Snape that you've come to know. I'm a combination of them both. I know what feelings the hat had for you, and I know that those feelings were truly feelings of love. But the other half of me knows that those feelings were wrong. I'm not sure exactly how to proceed with this. But, Hermione, more than anything, I know that you have no business being in a relationship with a hat. Honestly, girl, what were you thinking? A fucking hat?"

"I know, I know" Hermione agreed, "But, seriously, that hat was just so damned hot!"

"Well," Snape concluded thoughtfully, "You are right about that."

"So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know, Hermione, we never planned on the two halves being integrated again. We'll have to talk to Professor Dumbledore about what to do."

"Damn it," Hermione whined, "I had a feeling you were going to drag this shit out into another chapter. Can't we just move past the angst and confused emotions and dive straight into the amazing sex?"

"Sorry," Snape shrugged his shoulders helplessly, "but this is the way these stories always go."

"Well, hell, let's get it over with, then."