Laments of a Soon-To-Be "Rescued" Sailor: (Gilligan Goes Emo)

Chapter 1: Bad News, Ultra Sturdy Nails

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A Message to you, the reader. Dictated by Gilligan.
Written, proof-read, and edited for clarity by an irrelevant third party:

"Imagine, if you will, being stuck on a tropical island, deserted as far as you can tell. Some days the island would be visited by tribes from other islands, but most of the time, it would be all yours. Tropical fruit trees would surround you; you'd have all the coconut and bananas you could ever desire. There would be other fruits and vegetables too, and not the kind you'd buy at the grocery, but the good kind, tomatoes right off the plant, still warm from the sun's rays, fresh juicy pineapples, and even non-plant food, such as delicious fresh goose eggs, much better than mass produced packaged chicken eggs from the store... Fish in the ocean would be plentiful, if you liked eating fish, and everyone knows fresh fish is better than frozen. On this island, finding a delicious meal would never be a concern for you.

But what else would your deserted island have to offer? Every day would be warm, unless there was a rain storm, and even then it still wouldn't be too cold; you could always take shelter in a cave, or even build a little hut if you were good at such things. You could spend your days playing on the white sand beaches, with no annoying tourists in sight. You'd never have to pay any bills, or go to work, or talk to your annoying neighbour who is always stealing your newspaper.

On this island, you are free to do whatever you want. No one will stop you. You can sleep until noon, or even later. Snacks would be available whenever you wanted them... just pluck something juicy off a tree and eat it. No obligations. No responsibilities. No pesky neighbours, bosses, co-workers, or anyone else. What could possibly make life on this beautiful sunny island any better? Friends?

Of course! Friends would make it great, wouldn't they? Consider your friends. Who do they include? Mine include my role model, pal, and captain Jonas Grumby, who I just call Skipper. He's always telling me what do to, but I usually like him anyway. There is also Mary Ann, a nice farm girl who is a great cook, and an even better friend. There are Mr. And Mrs. Howell, rich millionaires where they come from, but overly dressed old folks with superiority complexes here. The Professor is another friend of mine, whose passion is science. He keeps to himself often, which I find respectable, but he always likes to try to help out when he can, with lots of useful inventions and plans. And lastly, there's Ginger, who also has a superiority complex. She's an actress, who is always trying to apply acting to completely unrelated situations here.

You'd think my buddies would make my life on this island better, wouldn't you? What could be better than having a wonderful island to share with your best friends? You'd think they would all just sit back and relax, have a good irresponsible time just like me, right? Well they don't. Sometimes they do, sure... but more times than not, they just spoil my fun. They try to make this place like home, but home was no good! That's why being here is so great! We don't need to try to turn this into our own little city... We don't need to all have breakfast together every morning, or wash our laundry every day! We have nowhere important to be, and washing laundry doesn't do any good when there's no soap... They all just like to create unnecessary work, usually making me help out... More than anything, they love to complicate this simple way of life as much as possible. Instead of enjoying how much it is dissimilar to our old lives, they try to make it exactly the same, and I'm fed up with it.

What's the point of escaping modern 'civilization' if we are just going to clutter nature up to be the exact thing we escaped from? No one here recognizes what I want. They each think for themselves. Unfortunately, their thinking all coincides with one-another, so they are always the majority; I'm always the odd man out, so whenever there's an 'important' decision to be made, we take an informal vote, and I lose 6 to 1.

So instead of living a blissful life of fun and simplicity, we spend all of our energy on something I don't even want - trying to find a way off the island. None of these people understand how fortunate we are to have ended up here. There are countless people in the world who would do anything to be in our position, to be able to find a nice tropical island where no one could find them... Can you imagine? If anyone knew we were here, they'd charge us property taxes out the wazoo.

We have come across a piece of natural land, completely free of charge. We get free food, shelter, and entertainment, with a very minimal amount of work needed. People pay good money to go on vacations in places exactly like this! And then what do we do? Create work, and try our hardest to get 'rescued,' so we can get back to our jobs, so we can go back to being pushed around by people who think they are superior to us, so we can pay for our low-quality food instead of getting fresh food here for free...

These people don't understand me at all. They don't understand anything I stand for. Sometimes I whole-heartedly wish I was the only human stranded here. Being all alone would be preferable to working toward something I don't want to achieve."

End of message.

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Life on the island was sometimes like a dream for Gilligan. He loved the mild weather and the beautiful beaches, and loved the supposed lack of responsibility. The others should have followed his example and become irresponsible themselves. They actually did have their moments of irresponsibility, but rarely admitted it. Instead, they all just complained about how Gilligan was always messing things up, and always insisted that he help them in their stupid plots to be rescued. They also made him collect resources, even though leaving the bananas on the tree to be plucked individually as they were needed seemed an entirely more rational method to Gilligan...

Having his friends here didn't make his life any more fun. He actually sometimes wondered if he'd be much happier if he were here all alone. Being alone was scary... but there were chimps around here, and he could always make friends with them...

No amount of wishful thinking would grant him his desire to be alone with only the chimps and coconut trees as his friends. He was stuck with the lot of people who drifted in with him on the Minnow all those years ago.

He was so tired of all their negativity toward him. It seemed he could never do anything right, even when he tried his very hardest. The Skipper was always angry with him for some reason, because he always bumped into things, knocked stuff over, spilled things onto other things, and whatever else he could possibly do wrong... The Professor thought Gilligan was a complete idiot. Gilligan could tell by the way the man talked to him, explaining everything slowly, trying to manage to gain Gilligan's comprehension, but rarely succeeding. The Howells also thought he was an idiot... He supposed everyone on the island did... Yep. Ginger and Mary Ann too.

They all saw that Gilligan was worthless to their cause. He just wanted a life of simplicity, something he could achieve without any trouble. But not them. They wanted everything to be complicated, and Gilligan just couldn't seem to keep up with them.

Gilligan was beginning to see their points. He really did mess everything up all the time. And he really was kind of an idiot sometimes; he never understood what the Professor was talking about when explaining his complicated inventions. He didn't know anything about the money matters the Howells always spoke of. He couldn't cook like Mary Ann or act like Ginger, and he certainly wouldn't make a good captain like the Skipper... He was just the extra guy here. The worthless kid everyone else had to work around and keep out of trouble, but to what purpose? What would it matter to them if he stumbled off a cliff or got captured by headhunters? They'd finally be rid of him.

Being cast away onto a deserted island was the best possible solution to end everyone's suffering of him. The world could be rid of him, and he could be rid of the world. Perfect for everyone involved. Unfortunately for his friends, they were stranded on the island too. Sure, Gilligan wasn't screwing things up anymore back in Hawaii, but he was screwing everything up here, and all the unfortunate souls who had to share the island with him hated him for it.

Perhaps the reason he desired to stay on the island while everyone else didn't wasn't because they were flawed... Perhaps he was. They were each good at something. If they went back, they would be useful to the rest of the world. But what was Gilligan good for? If they ever were 'rescued' from the island, Gilligan would probably get himself and the Skipper shipwrecked again within a matter of weeks, with him constantly messing everything up. That is, of course, assuming the Skipper would even allow him to keep working on his ship. Would he? If they got off the island, would Gilligan even have anywhere to go? The Skipper would probably kick him to the curb as soon as he got the chance. He'd kick himself to the curb if he had to rely on himself as much as the Skipper did. Who would want to have a co-worker who always messed everything up? If the Skipper decided to fire him, Gilligan wouldn't be surprised. He'd fire himself too.

If they were rescued, Gilligan would be all on his own, and not in a good way. He'd be back in the real world, where stuff costs money. No one would hire him for a job, and if they did, he'd get fired the first day for messing up something simple. It was miraculous that the Skipper even hired him in the first place... There would be no way he'd manage to land another job. No way...

Being rescued, ironically enough, was Gilligan's worst nightmare.

He sighed as he sat on the top of a tall cliff on the edge of the island. He picked up a stone and looked at it. It was smooth, shiny, blue, and sort of pretty. Ordinarily he would have pocketed the stone, but he didn't feel like it today. What would be the point? He threw it and watched as it landed in the crashing waves below. The stone disappeared under the waves. He wondered how long it would take for the waves to engulf him if he was somehow thrown over the edge of the cliff.

Gilligan leaned over as far as he could without falling. Lately he rather enjoyed being a bit risky with his own life. He wondered how tall the cliff was. He wondered if it would seem taller if he were actually falling from it. Probably not until he hit the ocean below. The fall would be quick, but the impact on the waves and probably on some rocks would be painful, and would likely kill him.

Shaking his head to get those thoughts out of it, Gilligan leaned back toward the land, his heart beating rapidly and loudly in his chest. Being so close to falling off the cliff was exhilarating. He could have just fallen and died. Probably the waves would have taken his body away, and the other castaways would have never found him. They'd look for him, probably assume some native head hunters took him away and dined on his corpse... Eventually they would accept that he was gone and move on with their lives, finally able to carry out an escape plan without Gilligan around to mess it all up. They would be much better off without him.

"Gilligan," he heard the Skipper calling to him, "I've been looking all over for you!" the Skipper sounded overly excited. He probably was here to inform Gilligan of some plot to be rescued. Gilligan really did try to help in their plots, but always messed them up anyway. Even though he didn't want to be rescued, he respected the fact that his friends did, and didn't want to keep them here against their will. It would be horribly selfish of him to do so.

Gilligan turned around, squinting as the sun shined onto his face, "yeah?" he asked the Skipper.

"The Professor thinks he's finally made some nails that will hold up! The Minnow is destroyed, of course... You remember that..." Skipper seemed annoyed.

Gilligan frowned. The Minnow had been destroyed when they coated it in some gluey tree sap Gilligan had discovered. They had thought it was glue, but it turned out to be the opposite. The Minnow, which they had coated in the 'glue' fell to pieces, just another example of how Gilligan messed everything up. They had been so proud of him too... That was probably the proudest anyone had ever been of him, but he hadn't even deserved it. His glorious discovery was a phony disappointment, "Sorry, Skipper," he repeated what he had said numerous times before, "I really thought it was real glue..."

He must have appeared very sad, because Skipper lightened his tone immediately, "Don't worry about it, Little Buddy. We all thought it was glue too... You could have known. Anyway, we think the professor has some good sturdy nails now. We just need to make some boards. This is going to be the hard part. We'll have to cut down trees, and make them into boards by hand... It's going to be a lot of work, but it'll go by faster if we all chip in. It'll all pay off in the end when we sail back to Hawaii! Back to civilization, Gilligan!"

Gilligan looked at Skipper. He looked so happy, so Gilligan forced himself to smile, "oh boy," he said, accidentally making his joyful remark sound very fake, "uh... great. Rescued," he smiled a bit again. This made him feel sick. Not only would they be rescued (assuming he didn't mess everything up), but he'd also have to work really hard prior to being rescued. This meant that his last days on his beautiful island would be spent working toward an unfavorable goal.

"I know you don't want to work all day and night, Gilligan, but just think how happy you'll be afterward!" Skipper assured him, "when you're at home, in your nice real bed..."

"But I like my hammock," Gilligan frowned.

"Oh, come on, Gilligan," Skipper urged, "I know you're just saying that. I know you're just as excited as the rest of us to get rescued! We'll have nice beds again, cheeseburgers, french fries, milkshakes, steak, pizza, everything we don't have here!"

Gilligan frowned, "yeah, and jobs, and bills, and having to pay for everything,... pushy neighbors, tourists... when you want to lay back on a beach and relax, there's gonna be a billion other people there... And when you want a banana, you'll have to buy it instead of just plucking it off the nearest banana tree..." He felt he could go on forever, but stopped when Skipper whacked him over the head with his hat.

"Gilligan... After we get rescued, I'll never eat another banana again! Not if you paid me a million dollars!" Skipper let his hate for bananas be known, rather dramatically.

"I'd eat a banana for a million dollars," Gilligan disagreed, "especially after being 'rescued,' because I'm really going to need money. I've probably been evicted from my apartment by now. No way my landlord kept all my stuff in there when I haven't paid him... My rent was even late already on the day we were shipwrecked."

Skipper sighed, "will you just stop complaining, Gilligan? Being rescued is a good thing, and you know it! You're just dreading the work, that's all. You'll feel so much better when we're back to our old way of life."

Gilligan sighed. Even when he let his opinion be heard, no one really listened. He just told Skipper everything he usually kept to himself, but the older man just ignored him and pretended like Gilligan was only joking.

"Well," Skipper beamed, "let's hop to it!"

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Keep in mind, this is a somewhat comedic story, even if you don't quite see it yet. Gilligan is supposed to be a bit out of character... He's going emo. I know this could be interpreted as being sad, but it's just for fun. The reason it's funny is because we know Gilligan would never really be emo... It's that sort of irony where something is the opposite of what you expect. Forgive me; I haven't learned about the different kinds of irony in a long time. That, and the occasional sarcastic joke here and there should make it a bit funny, I hope... If not, you can just read it as a sort of angsty "Poor-Gilligan-Type-Thing."

Ha ha... No one is going to like this story... Also, I'm really not intending to offend anyone who believes that they themselves are "emo." If you LABEL yourself as an emo and are offended by this, stop reading it. (though I doubt any emo-teenagers are big fans of Gilligan's Island anyway...) I realize all those things associated with emos (being suicidal, self-injury, and whatnot) are serious issues. Self injury is not funny... but this is just an internet fan fiction story...I am in no way encouraging anyone to be "emo," or to do things associated with "emos."

Um... here's my disclaimer: I don't own Gilligan's Island. (but you already knew that)

Oh... If you read this, will you be so kind as to REVIEW it?

I know at least 11 people read my previous Gilligan's Island story all the way till the end. And I think 17 read the last chapter, but six of those did not read two of the chapters in the middle... I don't get why you'd want to do that, but okay... (Anyway, I know 11 readesr is not a lot... but if I got even 5 of those people to review each chapter, I'd have lotsa reviews) ^_^ You don't have to review a billion times though. I'm not trying to compete for lotsa reviews... I'd just like feedback from most of my readers. If you like it, TELL ME! and if you hate it, TELL ME! (but not too harshly) It helps me improve, or continue to do what I'm doing right...

They don't have to be long reviews either. Just a "Great story, bro!" or an "Awesome chapter, sista!" or even an "I hope you stop writing like such an uneducated ditz!" would suffice. I've written this massive chapter, and author's note... You could at least spare a couple seconds to review-me, eh?