I love the manual series that LolliDictator has created. So I decided to make two versions of it. The characters in both manuals are related to each other, but they live in different places.

I promise you that this one's going to be a little different since the character has chosen to keep the horny pirate who could drink her out of house and home.

Disclaimer: I don't own the manual series or Hetalia. I do, however, own the poor university student who is about to have her life turned upside down since she is now going to be housing a pirate under her roof.

Chapter One

Whoops! We've sent you a Pirate!England on accident! This unit is extremely violent, nearly constantly horny, and will drink you out of house and home - as well as kill your landlord when he comes to collect the rent you can no longer pay - unless you ship him right back...

Lacie read the first question of the Troubleshooting section of the manual, her hazel eyes scanning the rest of it as fast as she could. Her life was depending on learning as much as she could about the pirate dressed man currently inhabiting the downstairs level of her house.

This was just fucking great.

The morons at the company just sent her the Pirate!England unit not only capable of raping her, but getting Lacie arrested as well if the book in her hands was accurate. Thank god she didn't have a land lord... though she probably couldn't say the same thing about the mailman.

Because of him, she was hiding in her room. She was underneath her bed, concealed in a tight space behind various boxes and a huge black suitcase and holding on to the damned pirate's cutlass. It wasn't exactly the best hiding place in the world, but it was better than a closet. Reaching into the back pocket of her dark jeans, Lacie flipped open her black Motorola Razr cellphone. The company who made the Pirate!England unit better have a way to shut him down so she could ship him back or else...

"Hello?" A voice on the other line, clearly belonging to a woman, said. "How may I help you?"

"Help?" Lacie hissed. "You can help me by telling me how to deactivate a pirate lunatic unit!"

"Would you happen to be talking about the Pirate!England unit?"

No, she was talking about the gentleman version with the horrible cooking.

"Yes!"

"I see. That is a problem."

Did the woman honestly just figure that out?

"I believe it's in your best interest to shut him down and ship him back as soon as you can."

Really? The thought had never occurred to Lacie. How stupid did they think she was? She already read the manual twice during her time of hiding!

"HOW?"

According to the woman on the other line, the deactivation switch was on the back of his head. Hidden by his pirate hat.

Thanking the woman, Lacie hung up before dropping face first into the plush carpet of her bedroom floor. She had a feeling this was going to be a long day...

XXXX

Earlier...

"What is this?" Lacie asked, looking at the tall wooden box that the delivery man had just dropped off in her living room.

"Package delivery ma'am."

"Are you that you have the right address? I don't remember ordering anything at all."

"Are you Lacie Taylor?"

"Yes."

"Then yes."

She had been watching TV when the doorbell rang and she found a delivery man on her doorstep. He had a tall package of some sort with him and before going into her house to drop it off, and after the above conversation, he shoved a clipboard and a manual of some sort into her hands.

Lacie merely blinked before looking down at the clipboard. There didn't seem to be anything connected to her mysterious package other than to say that the company delivering it was called 'Flying Mint Bunny Express'.

Flying Mint Bunny? She'd never heard of a shipping company with that name.

Tucking in strands of her golden red hair behind her ear, Lacie signed the form and handed it back to the delivery man.

Taking it, he tipped her cap towards her. "Good luck ma'am."

Lacie stared at the man's back as he walked towards his truck. What did he mean by good luck? And why did she have a feeling that she wasn't going to like whatever was going to come next?

Shutting the door behind her, Lacie proceeded towards the living room and flipped through the white book she had been handed.

CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased your very own ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit! This manual was written in order to ensure that you, the owner, can unlock your unit's full potential as a guardian, boyfriend, and/or stripper.

The hell? Did she suddenly just enter the world of Absolute Boyfriend or something? The box was certainly big enough to fit a person.

She continued looking through the manual. There was a list of things that came with the unit and it also explained his programming, various ways on how to wake him up without getting killed, his default modes, ect. Since Lacie didn't have a burger and was lazy to cook anything relatively Spanish or French, that only left her with three options; the fifth one she would save for last.

Getting her laptop, she put the speakers on high volume and started splaying the first song mentioned. Even when she played the entire song, there were no signs of the Arthur Kirkland unit breaking out. Then she played Star-Spangled Banner and there were still no signs of him attempting to break out and wring her neck.

After going down to the basement to find a bottle of scotch or whiskey, she came into the living room holding two bottles of the alcohol the manual specified. She clicked the two bottles together as hard as she could without breaking the bottles, but there was still no response.

Funny, those two options should have woken him up already. Maybe it was a defective unit or something?

Taking a deep breath, Lacie got on top of her coffee table to open the top of the box. At least she had the bottles of whiskey and scotch and the song Saving Grace on her computer if she needed it.

Turned out she didn't need anything. Once she opened the box, she found herself staring at a young man dressed in a pirate costume. He had light coloured blond hair... and the biggest eyebrows she had ever seen. Lacie barely had time to digest all that when his eyes suddenly snapped open and his gaze met hers. Next thing she knew, she was on the ground, her elbows and butt absorbing most of the impact. As Lacie fell, the box broke apart and the unit escaped the package he had been shipped in.

"You be the wench who disturbed my sleep, then?" There was a cutlass at her throat and the red-head forced herself to look up at the man who was wielding the weapon.

"And if I said yes?" She glared up at him.

The pirate sneered at her, and it wasn't in a very friendly way either. She had no idea what the sneer meant, but it was clear that if she stayed in the room any longer, she was going to find out the hard way.

And like hell was she going to get trussed up like a damsel in distress in her own house.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the bottle of scotch within her reach. Her hand shot out and as soon as she had grabbed the bottle, she flung it at the man who was threatening her after she reached out for the blade. He jumped back, swearing, and Lacie used this opportunity to yank the cutlass right out of his hands. She knocked him down by kicking out his legs, making them give out beneath him as she took the manual and cutlass, racing up the stairs to safety but not before she purposely stomped on his back to prevent him from getting up too soon.

XXXX

Unfortunately, Lacie couldn't hide in her room forever. She was going to have to go down eventually to face the pirate since it would only be a matter of time before he found her or she starved to death.

Making sure that he hadn't chosen the moment she decided to get out of her hiding place to track her down, she carefully and quietly shoved the boxes and suitcase away from her. Putting them back in place so that they hid the cutlass, Lacie went to her closet and pulled out a metal baseball bat she reserved for situations like this (okay, more like people breaking into her house while she was home) as well as a pair of hiking boots. After tying on her boots, she carefully and quietly walked towards her door and pulled it open.

Poking her head through the doorway, she looked left and right to see if the pirate was any where in sight.

"So far, no sign of him." Lacie noted. "Guess he's still downstairs."

She peered over the banister and saw that there was still no sign of the buccaneer. Where was he?

Once she was on the first floor again, Lacie scanned the area to make sure that she didn't miss him or anything. Her grip on the metal baseball bat tightened; Lacie wanted to be ready to swing the bat at a moment's notice.

"Where are you?" She hissed in frustration, her eyes scanning the area.

"Right here." Another voice answered from behind her.

Lacie 's reaction was immediate as she spun on her heel, using the time she did so to pull back her arms and swing the baseball bat. The bat swung into his side, but Pirate!England didn't even seem phased by that. Actually, Lacie was certain he didn't even bother to block the attack.

"Uh..." Lacie took stepped back, taking the makeshift weapon she had with her. "Great..."

She did not like how he was staring at her. There was some sort of maniacal gleam in his green eyes... and that grin... ugh...

"Since yer a lass, I won't keelhaul you." The pirate began, immediately closing the distance between them. He gripped the hand that held on to the baseball bat so tightly that Lacie was forced to let go. "Where's me weapon?"

"As if I'm going to tell you." Lacie was trying to pull away from him, but he was too strong. Why the hell would the company create a pirate unit who was likely to traumatize their owner? If she had to go to therapy because of her experience with this guy, she was going to sue them.

Pirate!England smirked. "Guess I'll jus' hafta force the answer from ya lass."

Lacie felt something soft close over her lips. Something soft and warm.

OH...

GOD...

He was KISSING her!

Lacie tried to push herself away from him, but he unfortunately had a tight grip on her and he was making sure that she wasn't going to be able to escape.

Every part of her mind screamed for her to get away from him, which her body was replying to by trying to push the pirate away. But there was a small part of her mind that was actually enjoying the fact that she was being kissed. That part of her mind didn't want to let him stop kissing her and she wanted to kiss him back! Lacie desperately prayed to god that she wouldn't kiss him back. She did not want to give him the impression that she was liking this or anything!

Her eyes widened as she felt something go underneath her shirt, gently stroking her skin and moving towards her chest. She squeaked when he started caressing it.

And that was pretty much when her mind snapped.

Lacie brought her leg up, basically slamming her knee into what would be the equivalent of man's... well...

The pirate broke away from her, cursing, and she used this opportunity to kick him again. While he was on the floor, Lacie was able to move behind him and and hit the switch the woman had instructed her to.

XXXX

Seeing him stop moving and his green eyes dull, Lacie slumped onto the couch, completely exhausted. Jeez, dealing with this guy was near impossible. No wonder the company instructed her to send him back ASAP.

But that brought up other questions too. Seeing the unit lying still on the floor, Lacie sighed. It didn't seem right to just leave him on the floor like that. Carefully adjusting his pirate hat, she moved him into an sitting upright position on the other couch. Now that he wasn't trying anything, he was nice to look at.

Where did that come from? Lacie blushed as she forced herself to look away. But she couldn't pull her eyes away from the deactivated form of the pirate. Right now, he looked like he was peacefully sleeping. As if he wasn't capable of pillaging villages and hacking down people in his way.

She went up to her room and took another look at the manual. There was nothing new on the topic of Pirate!England other than he was loving towards the Alfred F. Jones unit and it was a bad idea to bring him anywhere near a Antonio Carriedo unit. Also, he had a horrible superiority complex to boot.

But if he was such a difficult unit to handle, why make one in the first place? Wasn't it obvious that he was just going to be shipped back to the company so that they could deal with him? And what did they do with the Pirate!England units after they were shipped back? Did they disassemble them?

Lacie shivered. As much grief as the unit had given her once she had opened his box, she couldn't help feeling bad for him. Did he know what was in store for him once he was sent back to the company that made him in the first place? And was it his fault that he was like this in the first place? Wasn't he a unit that was programmed with various options...

Wait. Programming. Options.

That gave her an idea!

Picking up the cell she had left on her desk, she began dialing Janice's number. Lacie wasn't an expert on operating on anything robotic, but Janice was terrific with handling things like that.

"Hey Lacie, what's up?" A voice on the other end said.

Lacie smiled. "Hi Jan. I have something that would interest you indefinitely. Are you up to helping me with it?"

"Is it an android?"

"I think so, but I'm not really sure. I'm going to need help reprogramming him."

"I'll be there in twenty minutes!"

After hanging up, Lacie went downstairs to start cleaning up the mess Pirate!England had left.

"Looks like I won't be shipping you back after all." Lacie told his sleeping form.

She wondered if he could hear her.

And I'm finally done! After about four hours yesterday night and three hours today, I have finally finished!

According to Lollidictator's guideline, Pirate!England is supposed to be horny. That doesn't qualify to immediate rape, but he was getting there. And yes, Lacie has decided to keep Pirate!England despite the fact that he has more faults than good points. But she just couldn't bring herself to ship him back.