Authors Note: This is a Rachel centric piece that focuses on dark themes and involves elements of suicide. It's not graphic but I'm just warning you now.

Many of you might not agree with this stance I take on Rachel. If you're a fan of Finn/Rachel then I'm just warning you now-i don't depict them in a very good light. A lot of this is inspired by Radiohead's Creep and my belief that if Glee was a darker show not only would Rachel have already sung something like this but we would see more elements of her being a red alert suicide case. That talk about her funeral had the wheels turning in my head.

The second part is in the works. All mistakes are mine.

Disclaimer: Oh trust me I don't own Glee.

There's this saying that you don't know what you have until it's gone. That until someone is gone you don't understand or know their potential or worth in your life. But it's too late and there's nothing you can do about it. You'll live with this twinge of regret for never loving that person enough, encouraging them, praising them. It'll eat away at you forever and that will be your constant lesson.

Rachel Berry hopes this is true. In fact she needs it to be.

She's sitting in the tree lot waiting for her dads to pick her up and wonders if all of this would just be easier if she was gone. Then she would feel vindicated, worthy, and it scares her how far she is willing to go for the approval of Finn and the rest of the glee club. She knows for a fact that if she was dead they would grieve immensely and Finn would throw himself over her grave in desperation and regret…at least she hopes he would. She deserves that much from him.

Then again there are easier ways to gain everyone's love and devotion. Quitting glee club and transferring from McKinley seemed to work for Kurt in that aspect. Then again that plan just seems so temporary. They would expect her to come back just like they always did before. New Directions may be nothing without Rachel but it's the same the other way around. Who is she without them?

Her voice is all she has. She's abrasive, ambitious, annoying, and a host of other things but the one pure thing about her entire being is her voice. Her voice and her talent are what make her special but she, Rachel Berry is not special. And her talent isn't enough to carry her through life and that scares her.

She's feeling hopeful and she's feeling good a couple days after the tree lot incident. Dad and daddy didn't ask too many questions and maybe that's because they don't know how to deal with her problems sometimes. Her whacked out therapist that goes by the name Dr. Rubenstein served as her mentor and even she didn't know what to say sometimes. The water habit she developed from her fathers didn't do her any favors either especially since she couldn't stop wetting the bed for such a long period of time when she was younger, but the Berrys don't like to talk about this.

She's walking down the hall and thinking about how she can get Finn back (start slowly, win back his trust, win back his friendship), when she sees him and Santana laughing at her locker. It wouldn't matter if it was Finn's locker but to see him go out of his way to engage Santana cuts a knife through her.

Maybe the problem is the Santana of it all, but can you blame her? The dark haired Latina was her secret envy at times that she would never admit. People wanted Santana and they were never afraid to show it while she just felt like a badly kept secret all the time. She wished she could be like her too, with the ability to not care about anything or anyone in order to get what you wanted. An attitude like that is what makes you succeed and get to the top. Rachel used to have this ambition. She doesn't know where it went.

She stands in a corner still in viewpoint of Finn and Santana and watches as he traces her arm and gives her that small smile she would see whenever she said something he thought was cute. Santana closes her locker and Finn offers his arm as they walk down the hallway towards her.

They don't see her. Finn Hudson has officially picked Santana Lopez over her not once but twice.

She has to be better. She doesn't know how.

She starts with her body and obsessively looks over it all the time, spending hours in her underwear looking in the mirror and figuring out how to make herself look better. Her hands are so big that it's no wonder Quinn and Santana call her man hands, her bangs are so stupid that she doesn't know why she made the ridiculous haircut during the summer in the first place, and her breasts are so small. She could feel the slight disappointment in Finn's grasp the first time she let him touch them. He was happy and he was eager but it was as if he was grabbing for more than there was. She isn't particularly well endowed, and maybe she should go the Santana route and get a boob job.

She wants to just throw up everything she eats and be skinnier and exercise more (wake up at 6 instead of 7 for her elliptical time) but the words of Ms. Pillsbury and the reminder of her gag reflex halt these plans.

There's also a voice calling to her, telling her to stop this. She's beautiful, she's perfect, she's good enough but she doesn't listen and shoots it down.

If she's good enough then why can't she make Finn happy? Why is always girls like Quinn and Santana but never her? Even when she has him she never actually has him, there's always something in the way. It must be her. But it's more than that. Why does it have to be so hard? Why didn't Jesse want her and all of her? She can't even compare to a baby…Shelby proved that.

All the evidence points to the contrary. Rachel Berry must change.

She should have known that cheating on Finn would be like cheating on the rest of New Directions. After Finn sings a melancholy, heartbreak number about distrust and betrayal Mr. Schue pats him on the back sympathetically giving Rachel a look that only she can interpret and see.

You stupid bitch you hurt our boy.

The rest of the club except for Puck and Lauren glare menacingly at her and if looks could kill she would be in a fiery pit of hell by now.

They're practicing a new number that has her at the back and partnered with Puck thank God. He twirls her around like the choreography directs and holds her so close and leans into her ear whispering I'm sorry I'm sorry it's not your fault.

She goes limp and her vision blurs and now her knees are touching the ground and oh God how did she get here? She hasn't cried since the tree lot, why is she doing this now? She has to be stronger than this, stronger like Santana and Quinn who never cry and dominate and take charge.

She's so weak that she can't even speak when Mr. Schue asks her what's wrong even though he certainly doesn't care.

But she's strong enough to escape Puck's grasp and run away.

She gets home from school a week after her little incident when she sees a postcard sitting on the kitchen counter from today's mail.

It's a picture of the Hollywood sign.

Didn't mean to make you cry

If I'm not back again this time tomorrow

Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

-Jesse St. James

Fucking bastard.

He even uses the words that he beat her with. He almost took everything away from her with that song but some miracle intervened and she still had glee club and a shred of her dignity left. But he almost took that with this stupid song as if he was some one-man show in a host of robots. And he thinks this counts as an apology…

She can still feel the egg and tears covering her eyes but highlighting her humiliation. She dreams about it sometimes. She dreams Jesse, Shelby, and Finn smash eggs in her eyes, hair, nose, mouth, everywhere. They tell her they loved her but she was never enough and they've found better.

Vocal Adrenaline, Quinn, Santana, and oddly enough a little baby that resembles Puck finish the job for them and continue pelting eggs at her. When she wakes up she always feels the pain of the hits. She swears she does.

She tears the card into little pieces. It's not even until she can't rip them anymore that she comes back to reality and throws it in the garbage.

She goes into the fridge and proceeds to throw out the eggs daddy bought at the beginning of the week. He'll understand.

Ever since her breakdown in glee she's tried to avoid Puck as much as she can. His eyes follow her during glee with this look that bothers her, like he knows her and understands her.

It pisses her off to say that he does. That's probably why she always ends up in a compromising position with him when they're alone.

Sitting in the lunch room by yourself is never easy, and it certainly isn't when she can clearly see Santana all over Finn, nibbling his earlobe and whispering in his ear while he rubbed the inside of her thigh dangerously near her skirt.

She's so concentrated on his hand and how they trace her thigh, wondering how high he'll go that she doesn't notice Puck sit down in front of her.

"Why do you even torture yourself with that shit Berry it's pathetic?"

She wouldn't consider it torturing herself. It's called motivation.

"I don't know what you're talking about Noah. Is there a reason you've come to sit next to me? I haven't been insulted nearly enough times today so maybe you've come to fill the quota."

His eyes soften a bit at the mention of her torture at the hands of McKinley high or more specifically New Directions. They hadn't let up on her much since the break-up and it probably wouldn't end anytime soon. Or until she wins Finn back.

"No Berry. I told you I'm trying to be nice to Jews. Except Ben-Israel cause he's a fuckin creep. I came to apologize. It's my fault that you and Hudson broke up and I should have just stayed out of it but I took advantage of the situation instead. And now you're miserable and the clubs relentless and Finn is a fuckin smug douche because once again he's better than me and I know it's my fault. I'm sorry. I should have walked away earlier than I did but I didn't. I shouldn't have started that at all."

She looks at him strangely, wondering where this was coming from and also trying to think of when she ever heard Puck talk this much before. It was only when he was around her, but even then he never put together an apology as eloquent as this one. Not that he needed to give her an apology. This was her fault. It was her faults and selfishness that drove Finn away…he had every right to break up with her because he deserved better than what she gave him. She was everything that everyone said she was and she finally gave him reason to see that. He said he loved her in spite of her faults. This was the final straw. She just had to change. She just had to be better.

She shakes her head at him and whispers, "I don't need your apology Noah. It's not your fault. I'm a selfish annoying brat and I just need to fix that. Excuse me I have a solo I want to practice in the choir room."

With that she gets up and leaves him sitting there.

They're in front of her locker.

Not Santana's.

Not Finn's.

Hers.

There's not many people in the halls and she needs to get her chemistry textbook. She can't move.

He's grasping her hip so tight and their lips are moving together lazily like it's nothing new and they know each other so well.

They're never going to come up for air.

She skips chemistry. She tries to make herself have a gag reflex.

"Rachel do you ever think that maybe the expectations you set for not only yourself but the other people around you are too high?"

She hadn't been sleeping very much lately and her dad caught her watching old performance videos of herself at 4am. So of course she's here with Dr. Rubenstein. She sometimes wonders why this woman became a therapist-she just liked to hear herself talk.

"I don't know what you mean. I think it's healthy to have high expectations for yourself. Isn't it a mark for the potential that you know you have?"

"No…no Rachel you misunderstand. We're here because of your expectations on Finn. That is what I mean. You mentioned he's seeing the girl he lost his virginity to right?"

"Yes they were practically having sex in front of my locker and it was extremely rude-"

"Yes well from what you've told me she's on the cheerleading squad, popular, and a very beautiful girl. And from what you've said about Finn I get the feeling that popularity is a priority for him. But that's high school Rachel, and I think you have to understand the mindset that Finn is at in this point of his life. You can't expect him to just change his standards and expectations, you have to be realistic."

"But I don't understa-"

"I think that's all we have time for today dear."

She says hi to Finn in the halls while they're the only ones there.

Everyone is in class. She's going to the bathroom and he's at his locker.

He doesn't say anything.

She doesn't know what she expects. Maybe Dr. Rubenstein is right.

It's been almost 3 months since her break up with Finn and she doesn't feel any different. She hasn't changed. She hasn't gotten any better.

She doesn't sing as much as she used to. Mr. Schue gives most of the solos to Santana and Mercedes for group numbers and she sways in the background as Finn and Santana circle around each other singing with hungry eyes.

It's after practices like those that the two of them rush out of practice together first. When she walks to her car she still sees Santana's car in the lot and she hears them.

She hears them so clearly.

She feels like she's drowning and she just wants to sleep. But every time she does she can literally smell the eggs dripping on her head, the sweat coming off Finn as he fucks Santana into his bed, and the final nail in her coffin as Sunshine returns to reclaim her glory spot in New Directions. They realize how much they don't need her and push her out of the choir room without regret. There's no hesitation in their actions.

So she doesn't sleep.

It's Noah that notices. Well she can't say that. Almost everyone can probably notice, but they certainly don't care and instead use it as ammunition to abuse her more. Mr. Schue uses it as an excuse to not include her in numbers or give her solos. You look exhausted Rachel why don't we give you a break?

So she should say that Noah is the first one to notice and care at the same time. He appears in her dreams sometimes. There's a moment in her egg dream when she finally gets away to clean herself off and Noah comes into the bathroom offering her a towel.

He finds her outside the Hudson house and leads her away in her Finn dream.

But it's the Sunshine one that gets her. While the last thing she holds dear is taken away from her and she doesn't know who she is without her talent, her voice, her glee club because Sunshine has taken it all away, Noah stands alone from the New Directions group. He's completely separate and he just stares at her with that same expression he had that day at the lunch table.

He understands.

She's particularly lethargic one day and completely falls asleep in English class. When she leaves she's bumped slightly by Santana as she flounces down the hallway to get to Finn, but Noah catches her before she can hit anything or anyone. He gives her a small smile asking if she's ok and straightening her back up.

"You haven't been yourself for awhile Rach and you look like you haven't slept in awhile. You're not ok. Do you want my notes from today's class? I actually paid attention today"

She appreciates that he won't press matters and dig into her soul. She's not ok but she's certainly not going to talk to him about it. She's not going to talk to anyone.

She takes the notes he offers and gives him thanks before walking off.

His eyes follow even after she turns a corner. She feels them.

There is a breaking point for everyone and Rachel has reached hers.

She doesn't know how this happened. She doesn't know why Jesse and Shelby are here, in her choir room with a baby girl that has wispy blonde hair sitting in a car seat next to Mr. Schue. She faintly hears him tell them that Shelby and Jesse are here to give advice about Regionals and Nationals and music centric careers in general as an apology for the past but Rachel can't understand and she can't breathe.

Shelby doesn't even look at her. She makes eye contact with every single person in the room but her and every now and then looks at Beth when she makes little gurgles or whimpers. There's always a look of adoration, affection, and most of all love in her eyes when she looks at Beth. It goes right back to professionalism when her gaze leaves her.

Jesse looks at her. But she refuses to look at him and give him the satisfaction of her attention. He said all he needed to say in that postcard. He wasn't sorry that he broke her heart and he needed to stop pretending he is. He would have broken up with her eventually when he went to UCLA. Jesse was meant for bigger and better things, while she was only worthy of him because she was good acting lesson.

He should get an Oscar for that bit about her deserving epic romance.

Class ends and she runs out of the choir room first to get to her locker. She just wants to go home now and the thought of skipping the rest of the day is highly appealing. She puts her things together in her backpack and sees Finn and Santana walking past her without a look laughing happily together.

One chip comes off her heart.

Jesse and Shelby are a few feet behind them and Jesse is carrying the car seat while Shelby holds little Beth. She can hear the baby's sweet laughter and Shelby is cooing. "Yeah baby girl mama loves you. You're gonna be such a sweet girl when you get older! We'll go see Uncle Jesse on broadway and maybe you'll want to sing just like him huh?"

If feeling your heart break was a tangible feeling then it just happened.

Everyone is so happy and fine with her right there while she's miserable and trying so hard to be loved by them. But they won't do it. She'll never be good enough as she is, in this moment, in this life. She'll never be that popular, sexy girl for Finn, a sweet untouched pure baby for Shelby to mold, and Jesse…she'll never know what she had to be for Jesse. Knowing that she didn't know him is the worst part.

She wants them to miss her. The only way they'll do that is if she's not around.

She slams her locker and the tears almost blur her from the destination of getting out of the school and home where she can just do what she should have done a long time ago.

She can hear Noah calling her name she thinks.

She's in the car still crying and hating the silence of the ride home and turns on the radio, not caring what station it turns to for once. But the words of this particular song hit her and the sobs wrack harder and Oh god she can't breathe and how is she going to drive…

I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice when I'm not around

You're so fucking special

I wish I was special

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

What the hell I'm doing here?

I don't belong here

She knows it's true. She doesn't belong and she wants to so bad. She knows they'll never want her unless they can't have her. That's how it has always been. She'll give them what they want.

She regains control of herself before she can crash and somehow makes it to her house. She doesn't even bother getting her bookbag out of the car and runs in the house searching and searching the cabinets of the kitchen for something, anything to numb this feeling in her chest forever. She just wants to go. She wants to sleep without dreams, without eggs, and humiliation, hurt.

She finds a full bottle of Motrin and pours it in her mouth not caring how much there is. It's too dry to swallow. She spies her water bottle for her morning exercise and guzzles it enough to get all the pills down her throat and into her system.

She ends up in her bed, waiting and so drowsy. Her funeral will be beautiful she hopes. She feels so sad for dad and daddy but she can't live for just them. She can't. Finn will finally realize she knows he will. The glee club will never recover from this and reach regionals let alone nationals. It will be in this moment that Rachel Berry becomes loved and appreciated.

Her eyes are closing and she can't feel anything. She might have heard the door open and heard her name. She doesn't know.

TBC