CRACK, plain and simple. I don't know. _ My friend wanted me to upload this piece of fail. It's meant to be a joke, more than anything, so take it with humor. Filled to the brim with GerIta and RoChu, though. (And kidneys. Just read it if you want to know why.)

Ludwig was used to being woken up by external forces; that is to say, he very rarely woke up of his own accord. Usually, it was Gilbert, being loud and obnoxious in his own special way. He often talked loudly on the phone in the early morning, and when he didn't do that he watched idiotic YouTube videos on his laptop with the volume turned up obnoxiously high. (Sometimes, it was both; Ludwig could remember several times when he had woken up to the sound of Gilbert's laughter mingling with the melody of Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up'.)

Occasionally, it would be something else, such as an alarm clock or unexpected company, but for the most part Ludwig never woke up too surprised at what he heard. Even if it took him a few seconds to calculate what Gilbert was doing or why Feliciano was in his bed yet again, he almost always figured it out relatively quickly.

That was why, when he woke up to screaming, Ludwig was genuinely alarmed.

He sat upright in his bed, looking around until his eyes fell on the source of the screaming. He glanced down at Feliciano. When he remembered why he was there to begin with, he blushed, and made a quick mental note to kill his brother later; that, or thank him, whichever seemed more fitting. Then it occured to him that Feliciano was still crying loudly and screaming, and clutching his side, so he tried to find out what exactly was going on.

"Feliciano! Calm down!" he exclaimed. Feliciano looked up at him with tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry for waking you up," he said meekly, "but when I woke up my side felt like it was on fire, and there's this cloth around my waist I don't remember having, and it's all bloody, and-" Ludwig held up his hand to stop him.

"Calm down," he repeated, though he began to worry himself. When Ludwig had seen him yesterday, he hadn't recalled seeing a cloth or, for that matter, blood. When he tried to recall what exactly they had done as logically as possible (and he did this quickly, because remembering made thinking 'logically' somewhat of a challenge), it occured to him that there would be no reason for the bandaged area to hurt as it did.

"It hurts," wailed Feliciano, and he continued to poke the cloth that was wrapped around his abdomen. Ludwig was about to tell him that poking it wasn't going to make it better, when the door opened. 'Didn't I lock that?' he thought to himself. Regardless, it suddenly crossed his mind that he was naked, and he pulled his sheet up to cover himself.

"Hello," said a sunshiny voice. When Ludwig saw that the voice belonged to Ivan, he pulled the sheet up to his neck.

"Ivan!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here? I told Elizaveta that the party was over, you really should have left," he said, trying to keep the fear out of his voice. Ivan was just that kind of person; he was 'that creepy guy' whether he meant to be or not.

Ivan's once-wide smile faded, and there was now a frown etched onto his face. "You never got to open my present," he said, holding up a cooler. The cooler gave Ludwig a shiver down his spine. It was unmarked and red, like the kind one might use to keep soft drinks cool at a sporting event, but something about it seemed ominous.

"Oh, that's alright," said Ludwig. "No need to concern yourself with it, I can certiainly open it later. You see, Feliciano here is having a bit of a problem that I need to help him with," he said, speaking abnormally fast but hoping that Ivan wouldn't notice. Now Ivan's smile returned, which sent another chill down his spine.

"I'm sure he does," Ivan said, "but I'd really like you to open this. It will only take a second, and then you are free to continue with what you were doing." His smile was broad, and he set the cooler on the bed so that it was practically on Ludwig's lap. He was just thankful that Ivan didn't actually touch him.

"Thank you," he said, his voice shaking slightly. He glanced at Feliciano and saw that his entire body was shaking, and he was clutching his side. He shook the thought of how much he looked like he needed a hug out of his mind. After all, Ivan was still in the room.

"Open it now," said Ivan, and Ludwig felt his face pale. Ivan was never outright cruel; at least, not usually. It was when he was smiling that you had to worry. And Ivan was always smiling. So Ludwig opened the cooler and looked inside of it.

His mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. With a sense of premonition and a feeling that he really, really didn't want to know the answer, Ludwig spoke quietly and precisely. "Ivan," he began, "whose kidney is this?"

Now Ivan's smile was wider than ever. "And you claim to be so accquainted with Feliciano," he said, laughing as he spoke. "And yet you don't even recognize his kidney when you see it!"

That was when Feliciano screamed again. (When Ivan's laughter merged with the sound of his cries, it was easily one of the worst sounds Ludwig had ever heard.)

"Ludwig! Ludwig," cried Feliciano. Tears ran down his face, and Ludwig set the cooler on the ground. He didn't want Feliciano to see it but, more to the point, he didn't want to look at it. "How did Ivan get my kidney? I was with you the whole time! The only time I was alone was when your brother gave me that medicine. Then I woke up and started screaming and stuff, but you found me right after that, right? How could he have taken my kidney?" He continued to sob, loudly and into his hands. "Was it because we were so distracted? I just don't understand." There was a bit of a silence before Feliciano continued. "I didn't even know I had a kidney!"

"It wasn't too hard," said Ivan cheerfully. "I only had to watch for Kiku and Francis to stop sneaking off to your room. Once they came back and stayed there, all I did was sneak in here and remove your kidney safely and quickly. As a special treat, I even performed the procedure with anesthesia!" Ludwig glared at Ivan.

"You could have killed him. How am I expected to believe you have any medical credentials?" Ivan beamed at them both.

"Neither of you were asleep for very long. It has only been three hours since you fell asleep," said Ivan. He looked up to the left, and then spoke. "Besides, you had nothing to worry about. The medical instruments were made in China, so you know they're of good quality." For whatever reason, this did nothing to quell Feliciano's tears, or Ludwig's anger.

"Why the hell would I want his kidney to begin with?" he asked, scowling at Ivan. Now he was less afraid and more pissed off. Sure, a man who snuck into someone's bedroom and removed their kidney probably wasn't someone to be trifled with, but that didn't change the fact that Ludwig found himself ready to punch him. He tried very hard to stop himself from doing anything he'd regret.

Ivan's entire aura seemed to grow gloomy, and his being downright drooped. "You-you didn't like my present?" he asked, sounding heartbroken. He absentmindedly played with the end of his long scarf, the one he almosst always wore and the one that Ludwig seemed to picture stained with blood, whether this was accurate or not. He opened his mouth to speak, but Ivan cut him off. "I just wanted to get you something you'd like. We aren't very close, but I admire you for your strengths and I was really hoping this gift would help me to get on your good side. I don't have very many friends," he said despondently.

"I don't want a human organ," Ludwig said flatly. Regardless of the seemingly human characteristics Ivan seemed to be displaying, Ludwig still felt the need to stay on guard. Perhaps it was a trick, something to catch him by surprise. Well, he was going to be careful, regardless.

Ivan dropped his head. "I really am sorry. I tried to think of an organ that wouldn't hurt to remove. I was kind enough to leave the other one," he said. "I thought you might want his heart instead, but then it occured to me that he would probably die if I did that," No shit, thought Ludwig. Feliciano, meanwhile, had stopped crying, and looked up at Ivan.

"Are you really that sad, Ivan?" Ivan nodded.

"I just want people to be happy, but they're always scared of me," he said. Feliciano grinned broadly at him.

"Oh, I bet Ludwig loves your present! Why, I bet my kidney's going to make him the happiest guy in town!" he squealed. Well, that was a bit of a stretch, but Ludwig didn't particuarly want to say anything.

"Really?" asked Ivan. The smile was back, and Ludwig involuntarily shuddered. "Ludwig, do you really like my present?" Before Ludwig could lie, there was a crash, and the door slammed against the wall.

Oh my God.

"YOU HAD BETTER LIKE HIS PRESENT, ARU!" exclaimed a voice, and based off of the verbal tic Ludwig didn't even have to look up to know it was Yao. When he did look up, however, he realized that he should have done so sooner, because Yao was packing heat.

Feliciano screamed, a blood-curdling, high pitched scream. "Yao has a gun!" he exclaimed, clinging to Ludwig's side. "Hold me," he whined. Ludwig reluctantly complied. It's not like you haven't done worse less than four hours ago, he thought, and tried very hard to push that thought and the vivid mental images that came along with it out of his mind.

Ivan looked at Yao, alarmed. "I had it under control," he began, but Yao shushed him.

"I raised more children than you've had czars," he said firmly. "You may be the scarier one out of us, but when it comes to protecting hurt feelings, I know what I'm doing, aru," he said.

"And that requires a gun?" asked Ludwig. "Are you high?"

That was the wrong word choice. "I have been opium-free since '03," he said haughtily. "No, I am not high. I took the gun from Vash, because NO ONE hurts someone from my family, aru!" Ludwig tilted his head in disbelief.

"Honey," whined Ivan, "you're embarrassing me in front of my friends." Yao gave him a glance, but pointed the barrell of the gun towards Ludwig.

"I want an apology, aru," he said. Ludwig scowled at him.

"And I want my-'present' -back inside of Feliciano, where it belongs!" In the distance, Ludwig could swear he heard Gilbert say, 'that's what she said,' but it wast most likely just his imagination.

Yao turned his head away from Ludwig, making a sniffing noise as he did so. "Then I guess we're at a stalemate, aren't we, aru?" Ivan frowned.

"Please, Yao, it's alright. Honestly," he said. He scratched his head and looked at the ground. "Honestly," he repeated, "if I wanted to kill them I would have done it while I was taking his kidney."

Yao appeared to consider this. "Fine," he said, "but can I sell his birthday present on the black market, aru?" Ivan laughed, which made Ludwig shudder.

"Anything for you," he said, and they walked out.

Ludwig could feel Feliciano's heartbeat in his shoulder. "Are they gone?" he asked, still shaking ever so slightly. His skin seemed to buzz against his own; it was a peculiar feeling, one that he might have enjoyed had Feliciano's utter fear and panic not been the cause.

"Sorry I ruined your birthday," whined Feliciano. How having his kidney stolen against his will was his fault, Ludwig didn't know.

"It's not like you asked to have your kidney stolen," he said. There was an awkward silence, and Ludwig glanced at Feliciano. He quickly turned away. "Besides," he muttered, "even with this happening, you still made my birthday the best one in years." It came out quickly and awkwardly, while Feliciano laughed, a twinkly little laugh.

"I'm glad," he said.