"You…just told me you fancy the person who you know put me through a lot of pain. The person who you know left me and replaced me with another brother. The person who you know likes to make my life living hell. You're telling me to not be mad? Of course I'm going to be upset. I'm sure right now, all you want is for me to tell you everything is going to be okay. Well guess what, Jade. It's not. It's not going to be okay."

-x-

The knight bus weaved in and out of traffic, but I was too tired to be concerned about possibly dying in a car accident. It was late, I wasn't sure of the exact time, probably close to midnight, and I was still in my dress from the party. I sat on the bed and stared out the window, trying to figure out how I was going to get out of this mess I had made. Trying to tell Reg about Sirius had not gone well, and I'm not really sure why I expected it to go any other way.

"Regulus, please just listen to me," I begged, tears pricking at my eyes.

"Jade, you need to go. I can't see you right now, I don't want to see you." He was pacing quickly on the patio, a hand of frustration running through his hair. I had never seen Reg this upset.

"Where am I supposed to go?" I stammered out. I couldn't think of anything else to say. My mind was going a mile minute, and I couldn't find the right words.

"You just need to go away. I don't care, just leave," he snapped. Ouch. He rummaged in his pocket and pulled out some galleons and put them in my hand. "Take the Knight Bus. Go." Even when he was pissed at me, Regulus was still taking care of me.

So I was headed home, because where else did I have to go? Mum was going to be furious that I left, but that was the least of my worries. I don't even know where to begin on fixing things with Regulus. And my feelings for Sirius? What even were those? Am I really going to ruin my friendship with my best friend for Sirius? I thought about the past months with Sirius. Him stumbling into my compartment. Our detentions together. Our (my) drunken encounters. Our sweet talks about our strained relationships with our brothers. The almost kiss in the supply closet. The hazy hospital wing kiss. The kiss in the empty classroom. The sweet, gentle kiss in my room before he apparated me to the Christmas Eve party. Sirius keeps finding his way into my life. Is it fate? Probably not. Maybe I just keep letting him into my life.

I thought about the past six years with Regulus. All of our stupid adventures together. Getting lost in the dungeons our first year. Befriending the house elves in the kitchens. Endless nights of giggles and not doing homework. Smuggling in butterbeer and firewhiskey for each other's birthday's at school. Laying out under the stars together. Serious talks, not so serious talks. Was I really going to throw that all away?

I sat on the bed and stared out the window, and I didn't cry. I wasn't sad, I was angry. I was angry that Sirius kept putting himself into my life. I was angry at Regulus for not understanding. I was angry that I couldn't have both. But I was mostly angry at myself, for getting myself into this situation.

-x-

The house was dark when I got there, hopefully everyone is asleep. I quietly opened the back door and tiptoed into the kitchen.

"Jade?" I whipped my head around to see James standing in the glow of the refrigerator light. He was in his pajamas, his hair matted with bedhead. "I'm not wearing my glasses, I can't really see that well."

"Yeah, it's me," I said quietly.

"Mum is very upset with you, so I won't give you a hard time. I'm glad you're home safe," James said, closing the fridge and walking back to his room. I stood there in shock. James...being nice to me and being concerned about my safety? Maybe it's just because he's tired.

I walked upstairs and past Sirius' room. I could hear his snores through the door, and I hated myself for being disappointed that he wasn't awake. I peeled my dress off, threw on pajamas, and crawled into bed, defeated from today.

-x-

I didn't sleep well or for very long. I gave up on sleep entirely by the time it was early morning. I tried to write Regulus an apology letter, but nothing sounded right. I don't even know where to begin or how to rectify the situation. I figure I'll try writing another one later tonight, or maybe I'll try getting in touch with him via our mirrors. Maybe it'll be easier to say things out loud rather than trying to write them out.

I threw on my coat and slipped outside to the gardens to watch the sunrise.

"You're back?" Cold December air nipped at my skin, but it was his voice that sent chills down my spine.

"It's all your fault," I spat at Sirius. It came out harsh and bitter. I didn't really mean to say it, it just sort of slipped out. I glared up at him, regardless. Maybe I did mean to say it.

"My fault?" He replied, putting his hands up in mock innocence.

"I told Regulus," I motioned between me and Sirius.

"Oh no…," he said, taking a seat next to me on the wicker patio bench. The sky was starting to turn a delicate pink, peeking through the inky black shadows of bare branches. Sirius' knee brushed up against me, and I instinctively pulled my leg away. I couldn't let myself get into this any deeper. The two of us sat there in silence, I couldn't think of anything to say. I wanted to open up to Sirius and tell him about last night with Reg, but I don't want us to be closer than we already are. I'm too scared to be close with Sirius for so many reasons.

"We don't even know each other," I finally say. Sirius looks over at me, making direct eye contact for the first time. Morning sunshine illuminated his face and I can't help but notice how much he looks like Regulus. Same eyes, same nose. They look so related, it hurts me.

"We know enough," Sirius says.

"Bullshit," I spit. He looks taken aback. "We didn't even really talk to each other until this year, and even now we don't know much about each other. We had a couple of detentions with each other and we've had a couple of conversations, I can't justify ruining my friendship with Regulus for this."

Sirius inhales deeply and doesn't say anything at first. I can't read his face, I can't tell what he's thinking or feeling. "I'm not going to try and convince you to want to be with me, and right now I'm not even sure if I want to be with you, but I'm not going to sit here and deny that I have some type of feelings for you . Like I told you yesterday, do what you want. Stop trying to make decisions that will make others happy, and just be selfish. Don't choose what I want, don't choose what my brother wants, just choose what you want."

"I don't even know what I want." I'm trying to digest what Sirius is saying, but I'm stubborn and don't want to admit that he's right.

"Do you want a cigarette?"

"What?" I look at him. He's holding out on open pack to me.

"They always help me destress." He pulls one out of the little cardboard package and hands it to me. I stare at it dumbly.

"I've never smoked before," I say softly.

"There's a first time for everything." Sirius puts my cigarette in his mouth, lights it for me, and hands it back to me. I give it a try and start coughing.

"Oh my god this is terrible!" I sputter, my throat itching. "Why do you like these?"

"You get it used to it, little one," Sirius laughs at me and lights one for himself. "You don't want to swallow the smoke. After you inhale, breathe in through your nose so it goes into your lungs."

I try it again, and it goes down smoother but I still cough. I'm determined to get it right though, I can learn how to smoke a damn cigarette. We sit there in silence, with the occasional cough from me. Our knees end up touching again, but I don't move my leg this time.

"I think we'll get to know each other," Sirius says, breaking the silence and looking at me.

"Happy Christmas," is all I say back to him. A small grin finds its way onto Sirius' face.

Him and Regulus might have the same eyes and nose, but they sure do have different smiles.

-x-

Author's Note

It's short, but it's been like four years so cut me some slack.