"I bet it's that Russian dude."

"…seriously? Why would you even consider Ivan?"

"Well, I've seen Ivan and him talk so that must mean—"

"Just because you saw them talking doesn't mean they're dating. I mean, yeah, it's Francis – but seriously? With Ivan? The dude's a total horndog, but he's not suicidal."

"Then who do you think it is?"

"I bet it's a teacher."

"Gilbert!"

"Ow – what was that for?"

"Do you really think Francis would be dating a teacher?"

"Well, he's probably screwed every student here already…"

"He hasn't screwed me!"

"…really? You don't remember those times where he…you know…"

"What other times?"

"You know when…never mind. The last thing I need is for your boyfriend to go attack Francis and then have Francis yelling at me for setting the kid on him."

"Lovi would never do that! He's too sweet for that."

"…are we talking about the same kid? Lovino Vargas – sweet? I needa talk to your grandpa, man – I think you were dropped too many times on the head as a baby."

"Babies are so cute~"

"…let's get back to the matter at hand. Who the fuck is Francis dating?"

"Is it really that important to know who he's dating?"

"Yes of course it is! I mean, this is Francis we're talking about. We've barely seen him this week and we're his best friends. The only logical explanation to his absences and to that weird dopey face that he gets whenever he looks off into space must be that he's dating someone. Doesn't that fact that Francis may or may not be in a committed, monogamous relationship interest you at all?"

"…wow, Gilbert. Monogamous is a big word for you."

"Shut up – it's not like you're smarter than me!"

"Ow that hurt!"

"What are you two doing?" Francis asks, walking up to the pair under the tree. The albino and the brunette look up sheepishly, both of them fully aware that the subject of their conversation may or may not have heard everything they were just discussing.

"Just talking," Gilbert says easily, throwing an arm around Antonio and beaming up cheekily at Francis.

"About what?" Francis asks, his eyes narrowing.

"Lovi!" Antonio says quickly.

Francis laughs. "Like I would believe that Gilbert would be willing to talk about Lovino," he teases, sitting down next to Antonio and putting his shoulder bag down. He smirks as Antonio pouts, frowning at the both of them.

"Why wouldn't he want to talk about Lovi?" Antonio asks, looking confused.

"No offense bro – but Lovi's a whiny little bitch," Gilbert remarks and Francis is not surprised when Antonio slaps the pale boy across the face. "What the fuck was that for?" he cries out, clutching the now red spot on his face where a clear hand shape is forming.

"For being mean about Lovino," Antonio replies, turning away from Gilbert. "He just doesn't understand love," he adds with a sniff.

"Speaking of love an' junk – who're dating?" Gilbert says, leaning in to look Francis in the eye.

"Yeah – we wanna know!" Antonio adds eagerly, his anger at Gilbert momentarily forgotten.

Francis looks surprised. "What makes you think I'm dating anyone?" he asks, looking at both his friends.

"You have that un-awesome, 'I'm-in-love-and-I'm-so-happy-that-rainbows-are-fucking-coming-out-of-my-asshole-and-the-world-is-now-rainbows-and-lollipops' look on your face every time I see you," Gilbert replied. Francis wrinkles his nose at Gilbert's crass language.

"Well maybe it's because I'm just happy – ever consider that?" Francis asks.

Gilbert snorts in laughter, "Being 'just happy' is Antonio's job – not yours," Gilbert says and indeed, as he and Francis look to the other boy, Antonio is off in his own world full of tomatoes, turtles and Lovino, a rather silly smile on his face. The two exchange a look and decide that Antonio won't be returning to the real world any time soon.

"So maybe I'm not just happy. But, Gilbert, remind me why I have to inform you if I have a boyfriend or not?" Francis asks, going back to their previous subject.

"Aha!" Gilbert cries out, pointing his right index finger triumphantly in Francis's face, "so you have a boyfriend! That narrows it down by half the school!"

The German boy's obnoxious exclamation [and really, it is quite obnoxious, Francis has no idea how the boy's younger brother and grandfather manage to cope with him 24/7] seems to have stirred Antonio out of his reverie. The Spaniard blinks a little and beams at Francis.

"Is it Ivan?" he asks excitedly.

There is a silence in which Gilbert uses this time to slap his face with his hand. Francis blinks at Antonio and his eyes grow wider, finally understanding what Antonio is getting at.

"I-Ivan?" Francis stuttered, looking appalled. "Where did you get that idea from?"

"He saw you talking with him," Gilbert answers, giving Francis a look that clearly states 'Antonio's insane'.

"I assure you, Antonio, that I am not dating Ivan. For one thing, if I were, Natalia would've already skinned me alive," Francis answers, a slight smile appearing on his face.

"You would be so dead if you tried dating Ivan. The chick's hot but totally messed up in the brain," Gilbert agrees, leaning against the cool bark of the oak tree whose shade they were sitting under.

"Sounds like a match for you~" Antonio teases and Francis laughs as Gilbert flushes and shoves Antonio.

"So if it isn't Ivan, than who is it?" Gilbert asks, trying to regain his dignity by diverting their attention back to Francis.

"None of your business," Francis replies. His phone beeps and in a swift motion it is flipped open. Francis smiles at the contents and stands up. "I have to go now," he proclaims, turning away before the others can even say farewell.

"You're off to see your secret boyfriend! I know it!" Gilbert exclaims as Francis disappears from view. "We should've followed him," he grumbles, lazily flicking a leaf at Antonio and picking at a hole in his jeans.

"He would've known we were following him – what good would that have been? Antonio points out, and Gilbert promptly ignores him, closing his eyes and going through familiar faces that he passes by in the hallway, trying to pinpoint who Francis's lover could be.

Gilbert and Antonio exchange a look as she giggles, her long raven hair glimmering in the sunlight and her long chocolaty legs shown off under a short blue dress.

"I'm telling you, this is her! This is who Francis must be dating!" Gilbert insists as the girl in question tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"I don't think so – didn't he say he had a boyfriend?" Antonio asks, not sounding convinced in his own words as Francis grins and leans into the girl, both of them laughing loudly – loud enough for Gilbert and Antonio to hear from their spot behind a bush.

"Maybe he was just trying to trick us," Gilbert suggests.

Just as Antonio is about to counter Gilbert's idea with something else, another boy approaches the pair. Gilbert frantically grabs the binoculars from Antonio's hands and stares at the new person. His hair is almost as white as Gilbert's, his almost violet eyes twinkling as he puts an arm around the girl's waist. His cheeks are flushed as Francis says something – probably a sexual remark – and he smiles slightly as the girl kisses his lips lightly. They bid farewell to Francis and walk off.

Gilbert throws the binoculars down in disgust, looking back to Antonio. "Way to fail," he says with a scowl. The couple comes close to their bush and Antonio tugs him down, neither of them wanting to be caught spying.

"Well how we were supposed to know she already had a boyfriend? She's a freshman," Antonio points out. "We barely know who she even is."

"Yeah, I guess so," Gilbert admits, running a hand through his snowy-white hair. He sighs audibly through his nose and frowns, lying down on the grass and squinting up into the clear blue sky. "Who is he dating then?" he asks, closing his eyes.

Antonio flops down beside Gilbert and closes his eyes as well, smiling as the sun's warmth hits his face. "Maybe they don't go to our school," Antonio suggests, remembering how Gilbert's friend Elizaveta is dating a boy who goes to a fancy arts school for music.

Gilbert groans, scowling. "That just makes it that much harder to figure out!" he exclaims.

"Makes what so much harder to find out?" a voice asks and suddenly a shadow looms above the two boys.

"Francis?" Antonio and Gilbert say in unison, opening their eyes. Francis is standing at their feet, the sun blocked by his head – its rays surrounding him like he is some sort of angel.

"Oui, c'est moi," Francis says lightly and sinks to his feet as Antonio and Gilbert pull themselves into a sitting position. "What were you two doing behind this bush?" he asks, a suggestive tone appearing in his voice.

Gilbert scowls, glaring at Francis's leer. "We were researching an answer to a very important question," he replies.

"We were?" Antonio asks, cocking his head to the side comically. "I thought we were watching Fran—mmff!" he exclaims as Gilbert covers the other boy's mouth with his hand.

Francis watches this with a raised eyebrow.

"What Toni meant was, we were watching birds in their natural habitat," Gilbert says quickly, holding up the binoculars as proof.

"Oh really?" Francis asks. "Then why is it that I don't see any birds around here?"

"Well maybe they flew away in fear when they saw your face," Gilbert replies.

Francis looks offended. "That was rude, Beilschmidt – even for you," he says. Antonio hums lightly to himself and picks at the grass underneath him; Gilbert and Francis are always arguing and insulting each other like this. It's almost second nature. "I think I'll leave – since obviously my hideous face is disrupting your bird watching," Francis says, standing up. Antonio looks up in surprise and Gilbert blinks. This is new. Francis never storms off after a stupid insult from Gilbert.

"Where are you going?" Antonio asks.

Francis shrugs. "I have things to do," he replies, "other than being insulted by my own friends," he adds, glaring at Gilbert.

Gilbert rolls his eyes. "Like you were offended by that," he says. "You're off to see your secret boyfriend, aren't you?"

Francis's eyes twinkle. "That's for me to know, and you to never find out~!" he teases, walking away – a spring in his step. "Adieu, mes amis!" he calls out over his shoulder.

"Adieu my foot," Gilbert says, standing up and dragging a surprised Antonio to his feet, "we're following him."

"We are?" Antonio asks as they try to follow the path Francis went a few seconds before.

"Yup – this is our chance to figure out who Francis is dating!" Gilbert says, jogging to keep up with Francis.

They see Francis not too far away, look both ways and turn right. They wait a few seconds and then run, turning right just like Francis did.

It's a dead-end.

Gilbert Beilschmidt, 16 year old self-proclaimed awesomest person in the world, is speechless for the very first time.

But he isn't for very long. "W-what the fuck?" he sputters out, staring at the brick wall in front of them. "How did he get away?"

"Maybe he went through the wall!" Antonio suggests and for a split second Gilbert is ready to believe him.

"That can't be it. We must've seen Francis go a different direction," Gilbert says and he walks away from the dead-end, Antonio dutifully following behind him.

Antonio stares at the German boy in slight horror. "…you think Francis is dating an alien?" Antonio asks in a hushed voice, both of them on watch to make sure their snotty English teacher doesn't catch them talking and sends them to detention…again.

"It's the only possible answer!" Gilbert replies, pretending to jot something down to stay inconspicuous. "If he's dated everyone here then he must be dating someone from out there!"

"...I thought I was the stupid one," Antonio says and Gilbert scowls.

"I could be right, you know – Francis is the type who would screw even a non-human if he thought they were beautiful," Gilbert replies.

"What are you two talking about?" a suspicious British voice says and Gilbert and Antonio freeze, their faces taking on 'oh crap' looks.

"Nothing~!" they chorus angelically and beam at the teacher. Mr. Kirkland stares at them suspiciously before turning away and berating another student for eating hamburgers in the middle of class.

"I got it, I got it!" Antonio says, running up to Gilbert in the hallway and nearly knocking him over. Gilbert glares at the Spaniard as Elizaveta giggles and walks past them, chatting animatedly with Elise and Katyusha.

"What?" Gilbert asks, leaning against the locker in an attempt to look cool and regain his dignity.

"I know who Francis is dating!" Antonio says eagerly. He beckons Gilbert to lean in, and Gilbert does so reluctantly. "Francis is dating Lili."

Gilbert stares at Antonio. "Do you honestly think that Vash Zwingli would let the biggest manwhore in the school near his little sister, let alone date her?" Gilbert asks. "Isn't she 14 or something?"

Antonio nods. "She said she's turning 15 in March!" he adds.

"You talked to her?" Gilbert asks, impressed. "How'd you manage to get past Vash?"

"Oi – Carriedo!" a voice yells from the other end of the hall. The boys look up to see a furious looking Vash glaring at them.

"I think you should run now," Gilbert says as Antonio seems to pale in fear.

Antonio nods. "I think so too," he says and bolts in the other direction, Vash quickly following.

"Dude I know who's dating Francis," Gilbert says, dragging Antonio away so Francis can't hear them. Antonio highly doubts that Francis could hear them though; he seems to have gotten into trouble by Mr. Kirkland and is now being assigned a detention. Why, Antonio had no idea.

"Who?" Antonio asks curiously.

"Eduard."

"…do they know each other?" Antonio asks, blinking. Gilbert shrugs. "Then how could they be dating?"

"Think about it – would you ever expect Francis to be dating the president of the tech team?" Gilbert asks. Antonio shakes his head. "Exactly! It's the perfect ruse! Everyone knows that the nerdy kids always get the most action."

"They do?" Antonio asks.

"Yeah sure they do – they do people's homework and get sexual favours in return…so I hear," Gilbert adds quickly.

Antonio's eyebrow rises. "Who told you that?" he asks.

"Uh gotta go – bye!" Gilbert stammers, running off.

"Raivis? The shaky cute kid in the ninth grade?"

"…dude you think he's cute? He's like, three years younger than you – what a pedo."

"I'm not a pedo!" Antonio exclaims in exasperation. "And how could you think Francis would date Raivis? I'm pretty sure Raivis is scared of him!"

"Maybe Francis has a thing for kids – I mean, look at you with your – ow! Fuck that hurt!" Gilbert exclaims as Antonio punches him. For someone who seems to be all smiles and peaceful, Antonio's got a mean right hook.

"I'm not a pedo," Antonio repeats with a pout. "And I don't think Francis is dating Raivis."

"Then why don't you think of someone, assface," Gilbert growls, rubbing his arm. "Fuck that hurt!" he mutters under his breath.

"…when I said 'think of someone else' I didn't mean think of Raivis's brother!" Gilbert exclaims, slamming his face into a nearby wall.

Antonio pouts. "But you said-"

"Look, I highly doubt Toris is dating Francis," Gilbert interjects.

"Well it's better than your theory on aliens," Antonio counters and Gilbert frowns.

"I think we've pretty much gone through every single person in this school now," Gilbert says with a sigh. "I guess Francis is dating someone not in this school after all."

Antonio sighs with him. "So much for trying," he agrees.

Just then, Francis saunters over to them beaming merrily. "Bonjour mes amis," he purrs in his velvety voice that makes the girls [and some of the boys] swoon. Antonio and Gilbert do not swoon, however. They merely frown at him. Francis rolls his eyes; he knows why Antonio and Gilbert are so down in the dumps. He may not spend as much time with them as he used to, but he isn't an idiot. He knows the lengths the two of them have gone to find out who his secret lover is. "Are you two still trying to figure out who it is?" Francis asks, putting his arms around both boys' shoulders.

Antonio and Gilbert exchange a look. "Not anymore, we aren't," Gilbert says, shaking off Francis's arms. "You can go chill with your little boyfriend or girlfriend or alien lover or whoever the fuck you're dating. Me and Toni are going to pick up ladies over at Feliciano's grandfather's restaurant," Gilbert says, dragging Antonio away.

"But I want to see Lovi!" Antonio whines as they walk down the hallway.

"Fine. You can go hit on him – more girls for me," Gilbert replies.

Francis watches them leave. When they are out of sight he smirks, turning around and walking towards the very classroom Gilbert and Antonio have English in.

"Sorry I'm late – I wanted to make sure Gilbert and Antonio weren't mad at me for not spending time with them," Francis says, closing the door and locking it. He doesn't want to be caught by a teacher.

"Are they mad?" his lover asks, closing the curtains so that no passerby can see through the windows. Francis shakes his head, leaning in to kiss his lover's lips gently.

"They've given up trying to figure out who I'm dating," Francis replies, pushing his lover up against the desk. "It's all for the best though," Francis continues as he unbuttons his lover's shirt, "that they don't find out that my boyfriend is their English teacher."

Arthur Kirkland smirks as their lips crash together again, their clothes almost completely off.

The End.

A/N: Didn't expect that, did you? This started off as a prompt that I requested during the FrUK lovefest on LiveJournal. It never got filled, so I decided to write it myself :3

If you didn't realize it, the girl Francis is talking to when Gilbert and Antonio are watching from the bushes is Seychelles and her boyfriend is Iceland. It's cracky, yes, but I couldn't think of who her boyfriend could be, and Himaruya posted a drawing of Ice and Sey the day when I was writing that scene because someone requested it xD

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