Ancient~

Chapter 1

Something hit Bebe in the head. At least, she was pretty sure. Wait, there it was again. She reached a hand up, without opening her eyes (she was trying to hold onto some hope that she might fall back asleep), to find two nerf pellets wedged in her curly blonde hair. Bebe threw the pellets and snuggled back into her pillow. Please let me sleep, for the love of God.

"Hand over the goddamn gun!"

Well, she wouldn't be getting back to sleep, but at least someone was handling it.

Bebe had been one of those girls who wanted to be a mother. As if it was a profession. When she wasn't preoccupied with shoes and being a spoiled whore or whatever she thought was important as a child, Bebe dreamed of having a nice house with a nice husband and kids. Lots of kids.

Wendy sometimes liked to smirk at how Bebe's life had turned out. Even though it so easily could've been hers and Bebe was very happy with it. It'd been weird, of course, marrying a man who had been such a huge part of her best friend's life. Wendy had always claimed she didn't mind, and Bebe believed this because Wendy was so against marriage. Except, Bebe's friend was married now.

Bebe liked to think that she'd gotten everything she'd wanted. Sure, there were things about her life that weren't perfect, but she had her four beautiful, crazy boys, a nice house, and Stan. Their relationship hadn't started in the most noble of ways, but Bebe was certain she wouldn't be happier with anyone else.

Reluctantly, the blonde opened her eyes to find three little boys standing at the foot of her bed. They each clutched an obnoxiously orange nerf gun to their chest like it was made of gold. "No way," the shortest one replied.

"That's unfortunate," the first voice said. The man who occupied the bed with Bebe leaned forward, quickly snatching the three guns. Bebe watched looks of anger pass over the faces of her sons. They jumped on the bed, climbing over their dad.

"Dad, stop it!"

"Max, you kicked me in the balls!"

"Git offa me!"

Bebe sighed; sleep no longer even a wishful thought. She sat up and rolled her eyes at the mess of blonde heads that made up most of the bed. "That's enough!" she said.

Immediately, the impromptu wrestling match stopped and four sets of eyes met her brown ones. Stan smiled that her with that little half grin. Bebe was a sucker for that grin "Everyone pile on Mom!" he exclaimed. "But, watch out for that baby, I guess," he added as an afterthought.

The grin multiplied by three and suddenly Bebe was covered in crazy, dirty, wild boys. Just the way she liked it.

Wendy's 5 AM alarm blared. She hated her 5 AM alarm. You can't just slack off on these things, though. If she just pressed the snooze button today, then she'd be tempted to do the same thing again tomorrow. Her whole system would be off. Wendy could not live with that.

The ink-haired woman rolled over towards the alarm clock, her arm reaching towards the machine. Wendy's finger hit the button and the ringing stopped. She sat up, rolling her head around on her neck and cracking her ankles. The moment Wendy was going to stand up, a large arm snaked its way around her waist, dragging her body back across the wrinkled sheets. "Let go of me," she stated calmly.

"Mehh," the owner of the arm responded.

Wendy rolled her dark eyes. "Jesus Christ, you're not 8 years old! I'll call you Cartman if you keep acting like a child."

A kiss was pressed against her back. "Only if you let me call you 'ho'."

Sometimes Wendy forgot why she ever thought it was a good idea to marry Eric Cartman. "I'm serious; some people need to start their day right now. Remove the arm," Wendy ordered. Eric made no motion to retract his limb, wrapping it tighter around her thin waist.

"Wendy," he whined, dragging out the last syllable of her name excessively, "stay in bed with me!"

"Are you going to let go of me?" Wendy asked. She was already a few minutes behind on her schedule.

Her husband scoffed. "Doubtful, woman." She relaxed her body the slightest bit and he was able to pull her all the way back against him. Eric's other arm curved around her as well. "There," he sighed, brushing her long hair behind her ear. "Isn't this much better than whatever else you think you have to do at the ass-crack of dawn?"

Wendy groaned. Another day lost. "Always the charmer." But, she snuggled into his embrace the slightest bit.

Butters Stotch wasn't lonely. Any more. He had watched as all his friends went off and got married, had babies, started lives. And he still didn't even know exactly what he wanted. Cartman would joke, except maybe they weren't always jokes, he was kind of an ass, about whether Butters wanted to be a boy or girl that day. He always shrugged in response. Why did it really matter?

He'd always been a little bit girly. Not so much into what the other boys were. He didn't always fit right in with the girls either. So he switched back and forth. And he'd been doing it so long, nobody even really cared any more. Except Cartman, but the real secret there was that if he really didn't like someone, he just didn't even bother. Cartman always bothered with Butters.

The only problem came when everyone had someone except him. Butters glanced around and all of his friends were in love. He didn't have anyone. The blonde lived in a nice apartment in South Park with his dog. He made a decent amount of money. Adjusted. That's what he was. A nice, adjusted, conservative young adult who didn't really know if he wanted to be a boy or a girl.

He would've been OK with that except for the loneliness.

The something that cured his loneliness was a mistake of a something. It came in the form of a smiling little girl named Annabel. And she came from a drunken, confused night with a very beautiful, but irresponsible girl named Lexus.

Butters Stotch was a very happy person.

You'd assume that when he slept, he'd be calm. That as his major systems went into minor hibernation, his twitching would to. How can someone be anxious even in sleep? Tweek managed.

He was such a restless sleeper that sometimes Craig swore he'd prefer to sleep on the floor. That had to be better than getting kicked in your sleep every single night. He was relatively calm now, though. Tweek's face was pressed in to a pillow, almost covered by his unruly blonde hair. Craig was up earlier than usual; it was odd for him to be awake before the other man. Tweek could rarely sleep for longer than a couple of hours at a time.

The baby had woken Craig up. Well, not exactly, but it was the baby's fault. Craig could've sworn he'd hear him cry. He was going crazy apparently. Phantom crying. A small smile, the only kind of smile one ever found on Craig Tucker's face, appeared just at the thought of their baby. Cole.

Craig wasn't the most affectionate person on Earth. At least in public. But, contrary to popular belief, it had been his idea to have Cole. The kid was a couple months old now and the men were just getting used to having a baby around. Tweek had been terrified at first. His panic disorder kicking in constantly. He'd drop him, he'd feed him wrong, etc. etc. Typical Tweek.

Sort-of-consciously, Craig reached across the bed and buried his fingers in Tweek's blonde hair, softly massaging his head. Tweek had even been afraid to be Cole's biological father. Screeching something about what the doctors might actually do with his 'sample'. It was fine though, because Tweek had the more feminine look of the two men. It wasn't so hard to find a woman that his general features.

Craig was certain they really had it under-control now. The baby was here, hassle free and according to plan. The moment the kid snuggled into Tweek's arm, the blonde's twitching would slow to a much less obnoxious rate. And, Craig? Well, he was happy, which was something. Even though he still didn't smile very much.

A cold hand grasped Craig's wrist, breaking him from his thoughts. Craig smiled a little bit wider.

"Kyle!" Pinch. "Kyle!"

Kyle Broflovski opened his eyes, pushing a mop of fiery hair from his vision. "The hell?" he asked. It was Kyle's day off, his only day off of this week. His plan had been to sleep in.

"I think I'm old," the other man said, worry tainting his voice.

Kyle's eyes met Kenny's for a fraction of a moment before he pressed a pillow against his face. "Kenny. You woke me up to tell me that?" It was Kenny's 30th birthday, so the comment was understandable. But still not a logical reason for Kyle to be awake.

The blonde man nodded, eyes still wide with worry. "Yeah, fucking 30? That's ancient."

"You aren't old," Kyle replied. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing he was up. He had to set up for the party. Bebe and Wendy had insisted there be a party. 30 is a big deal, after all. Kyle had gotten past caring about his age a long time ago. Kenny still cared about a lot of these things, though, maybe it had something to do with all the dying. "You look exactly the same as you did like 10 years ago, seriously."

Kenny shook his head. "Can we talk about this? 30 is, I don't know, like I'm finally an adult or something. You're still 29 for like three months, man. You wouldn't know." The taller man scooted himself up against his husband, throwing an arm across Kyle's chest.

"Kenny, we're married and have two kids. I think you've been an adult for a while," Kyle replied. With thin fingers, he pushed blonde pieces of hair off Kenny's forehead. "And, even if you are old, I like you just as much."

That was exactly why Kenny needed Kyle. The redhead always knew how to bring him back down to Earth. Grinning devilishly, Kenny pressed a kiss against his jawline. "Can I get a little present, sugar?"

A/N: Aha! New and improved and I like it a lot better! Style is hard for me to write, even though I do like them, so K2 it is! If you read the original, I hope you like this better, and if you didn't, I hope you just liked it! And I came up with most wonderful plot twist/secret! So excited :D