Catching the Pox

Sirius stretched out on the bed, his arm over his face, a soft groan spilling from his mouth. Remus looked at him disapprovingly and returned to his book, muttering about lazy bastards. Peter, amused by his friend's prostate figure, somehow managed to conjure up a gnarly stick and began to prod the boy with it.

"Peter! Stop!" Sirius snapped, swatting at him blindly. "Just because someone's lying down doesn't mean they're dead!"

"I didn't think you were dead." Peter grinned widely and– Sirius thought– annoyingly. "You just looked like a floppy jellyfish. That's all." He returned to prodding.

Growling a crude word, Sirius tore the stick from Peter's hand, marched to the window and threw the stick out of it. Ignoring Peter's complaints, he fell onto his bed and returned to his previous position.

"Why don't you do something?" Remus suggested, his eyes never leaving his thickly-bound volume. Sirius grumbled.

"Why don't you not do something?" he countered. "Can't a bloke just lay around for a bit?"

"You've been doing that the past three days," I pointed out, pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose. "I don't think that qualifies as 'a bit' anymore."

Sirius peeked at me from under his arm. "Hey James? Shut up."

"That's not nice," said Peter. Sirius, without a word, shot a rude gesture at him.

"Why's Sirius acting like a cranky bastard?" Peter asked with all the innocence of a truly curious child. He looked at me, but it was Remus who answered.

"He's not acting."

"I can hear you, you know," came Sirius' voice. "By the way, don't be surprised if Remus is found dead tomorrow, hanging by his toes in the Great Hall."

"Maybe then I won't have to hear your griping," Remus returned coolly. Sirius looked like he was going to say something he'd probably regret after Remus beat him to a pulp, so I switched the subject.

"Sirius, is there a reason you've been lying on your bed almost all weekend?" I asked, throwing a rolled up sock on his direction. He blocked the throw; damn his instinct from all the late night encounters with Filch!

"Other than the fact that he's just a lazy bugger?" Remus snorted. "No."

"When did you change your name, Remus?" Sirius shot back. "Because the last time I checked, your name was still Remus, not Sirius."

"Sirius." I glanced at Remus significantly. "Why haven't you been lying for the past three days?"

"So you've noticed." Sarcasm. Please.

"C'mon, really."

A huge sigh. Shifting his position slightly, Sirius answered in a voice that was so grave it was almost funny: "I'm afraid I'm diseased."

"In the head? We knew that a long time ago." Remus flipped a page nonchalantly. Sirius shot him a glare.

"No, not in the head," he growled. "I swear you're the most uncaring person in the world. Here I am, telling you I'm sick and you're acting like I'm lying."

"That's not true," Remus said with a frown. "I've always known you are sick."

"Remus Lupin, do you know what you are?" Sirius cried, jumping up angrily. "You are a–"

He broke out in shocking language, causing Peter and I to cringe. Remus, however, was unfazed. He merely snorted, shrugged, and returned to his book as if he hadn't been told where he should put his (censored) up his (censored).

"Sirius!" I winced as he began a whole new creative stream of cursing. "There are children present in this room!"

"Yeah!" Peter chimed in, cringing himself. "Think of poor James."

Shooting him a dirty look, I returned to Sirius. "What were you saying about being sick? Do we have to call Madame Pomfrey?"

"You might have to," Sirius answered dramatically, suddenly acting tired as if he hadn't been at a cursing streak a minute before. "It's a magical malady."

"Really?" Remus muttered coolly. "Is it called I-Don't-Want-To-Write-My-Essays-For-Class disease? Or the Lazy-And-Don't-Want-To-Move malady?"

"No," Sirius shot back with a scowl. "It's not called any of those."

"Then what's it called?"

Sirius scrunched his face, biting his lip. It took nearly a minute for him to make up the name– I mean, tell us the correct name. "It's called... It's called... uh... the Capri- Caprumord... Pox. Yeah. Caprumord Pox."

"Sounds serious." Remus feigned a concerned look. "And how does that explain your sudden... lethargy?"

Sirius looked disgusted. "It's a symptom. It also causes lunacy in certain people whose initials are RL."

"Surprising." Remus was unfazed. "Peter? Will you look up the Caprumord Pox in my Magical Maladies Common in Scotland?"

Peter rummaged about in Remus' bookshelf and soon found the thick thing, immediately beginning his search for the disease.

"Where is it? This isn't in alphabetical order."

"Why are you looking it up?" Sirius demanded nervously. "Don't you trust me? If I have the disease, then I obviously would know what it's called!"

"We're not looking it up because we don't believe you," answered Remus with a grin. "But we need to know if it's contagious or not."

"Look in the index," I suggested to Peter who was still flipping the pages wildly. "It's probably in there somewhere."

"Good idea," replied Peter, turning to the end of the book.

"It's not contagious!" Sirius returned in a strained voice.

"Yeah, but if you're really really sick, then we have to figure out how to cure it," Remus said with a devious smirk.

"No, that's okay! I know how to cure it! You don't have to look it up!"

"Of course I do! I'm such a good mate, I'm worried about your health." Remus' smile was triumphant, knowing his victory was near. There couldn't be anything called the Caprumord Pox!

"Ca, Can, Cao–" Peter read quietly. "Ha! I found it!"

Remus gaped while Sirius smiled smugly, crossing his arms. "I told you!" he cried, gloating over Remus' shocked expression. "See!"

Peter flipped to the page, looking a little giddy himself.

"There it is." I pointed out for Peter. Peter pulled the book to him and began reading.

"Caprumord Pox is a rare disease. Only two cases of it has been found in Scotland," he read. "It isn't contagious–" Sirius shot Remus a look. "–Since it can only be contracted by having..." Peter trailed off, eyes wide with disgust.

"What? Contracted by having...?" Sirius inquired eagerly. Peter finally spat out the words disgustedly.

"By having sexual relations with a- a goat."

Frank eventually rushed to the dormitory to find out just what that loud laughing was for. Sirius was so appalled. Merlin, I wish I'd taken a picture of his face!

Don't try this at home, kids.