Timeless

(Thanks to RevSue by her earlier writings particularly her story "True Love Never Ends" which pointed me toward Curious Cousin as an interesting episode for exploration. Not having any appreciation for the Cousin Harriet character, I had never watched this episode in detail until a few days ago, and was delighted to learn now that it contains some of the most romantic moments in the series. For purposes of this piece, Cousin Harriet couldn't make it that weekend, and all for the best I think. GSC)

It went against every fiber of his being; that is as if he had a fiber any longer in his ghostly state. Long used to having his word be the absolute on any topic, it galled him that the Spectral Fraternity had any voice in something so important, so vital to him.

He recalled the moment in crystal detail, the day he finally understood that his feelings for Carolyn Muir exceeded mere appreciation, simple regard and affection. Had in fact become a love that defined him in ways unimaginable. It was perhaps predictable, but he had never believed it possible once his physical life had ceased, and when that realization surfaced one day as she fell ill with the ague, it came with the force of a pampero crossing the Brazilian plains as it hit the ocean.

Still weak and quite pale, she spent most of her next days in bed, sleeping fitfully despite the effective (if unknown) use of Willow Bark Golden Elixir. The Captain each day continued to stand invisibly and to watch over her. He would prompt Martha silently when Carolyn needed attention and guide the children away from her door, so she could get the rest her recovering body required.

During those feverish days, he'd find himself unwilling, or more honestly, unable to leave the room. He wanted to see her eyes smiling at him again, couldn't think about going through a day without the sound of her musical voice, or even the clacking of her typewriter, as she created yet another imaginative tale. He had no doubt, that if she were taken from them, she would go directly into the beyond. Despite her considerable temper, he could determine that she had no unfinished business, and once passed, she would be gone forever from him. Gone without ever having the chance to tell her of his feelings. It was impossible to fathom losing her, and in those quiet anxious hours, it became clear that the love he held for her extended deeper than he ever understood or imagined.

He had always known since his death over 100 years ago that he was no longer encouraged to interact with the living. It was clear that existing in a ghostly state was if not a punishment, it was at minimum a defined holding area until remaining issues and problems were resolved enough to move on onto the main part of the afterlife. Yet, in a single day, without his bidding, his home became full with the living. After decades of silence, it was difficult at first to adapt to the bumping, the rustling thrumming of people, voices and noises at all hours, but more quickly than he would have imagined, it became comfortable, and even needed. That may not have surprised him, he was used to adapting to any number of unexpected circumstances when he was alive, but it was the caring that caught him unguarded.

It began first with his affection and admiration for the boy, Jonathan. They shared an immediate connection, and that had ripened into a solid friendship. The housekeeper and daughter had their own charms and added another level of interest to their home, but it was the lady of the house who had captured his mind and his heart.

Perhaps he been overly imaginative that first night when he watched her sleep and mused that she had been the woman he could never meet, never find during life. If he thought then he had found his match, he knew it to be so now, more than a year later. Knowing what he felt at first, he also knew it would not be reasonable to communicate those feelings with the lady in question. No matter how sensible that resolution to be, it quickly went to Hades once he had a glimmer that she was equally entranced by him, with him.

He had been entirely accepting and prepared to keep his feelings behind a screen of official demeanor. He would interact with her like any other crewmember and the rules and orders of the day would keep things as they should be. In truth, he had to admit, despite the logic of it, this did not last long at all. It only required paying attention during Vanessa's short visit, to see both Carolyn's flashes of jealousy and the self-sacrifice she was willing to perform by leaving the house so he and Vanessa might be together, to understand how much she did care for him even then. As he fully expected, Carolyn easily saw through the careful and obvious fraud of a letter that 'ended' his engagement to the first Vanessa. It was in that quiet exchange, when she accepted the shawl, and he admitted his entire preference to her, that each understood their growing feelings were mutual.

Not that it was without stress or conflict. Two intelligent souls, when facing insurmountable barriers, and despite their deep emotions, would of course try to get back to safer, more neutral ground. The arguments were fierce and frequent, whether during her insistance on removing many of his treasured furnishings, the debacle of the Monkey Puzzle tree, or when she insisted he cease his jealous attacks on her friend Blair. Each time they settled their differences, and each time, as they understood the other more completely. And each time, the walls separating the two continued to crumble bit by bit.

By the time she was recovering from the ague, he had to restrain himself daily to avoid saying the words he was longing to proclaim. Every day in her company he was more and more sure that she felt the same, yet neither one was able, or willing to say the words aloud.

That morning, after that puppy of a doctor finally announced her nearly recovered; they had a somewhat confusing exchange. The Captain was hesitant to admit he in fact had cured her. Once said, he steadied himself for her reaction, but was intrigued that her only response was to forgive him, not because of the efficacy of the Elixir, but rather because he waltzed 'so beautifully'. Musing over that comment, he paced back and forth on the widows walk later that same morning, and was surprised to hear a hearty "Daniel Gregg! As I live and breathe! Well, never mind that actually, but good to see you!" immediately behind him. "Admiral, sir!" the Captain responded in astonishment as he turned. "Belay that Daniel," seeing the beginning of a smart salute, "Surely at this point in the afterworld, when we are both officially retired, we can set the expectations of rank aside, don't you think?" "As you say sir. Geoffrey, grand to see you!" the Captain grasped his hand in a hearty handshake. "What brings you to my home?"

"My boy," said the older, weathered man, "you may not think it so grand when I'm done. I was honored to be your first Captain upon joining the service, and to have played a role in mentoring your career until I passed. It has been a joy to continue that relationship with you on this side of life. But honestly, Daniel, by now my role as your guide within the Spectral Fraternity is supposed merely be honorary. However, from all I understand, you need some serious guidance, yes?"

The Captain looked at his old commanding officer, intrigued to see him still in the uniform of the day, white hair perfectly combed, military bearing and attitude just as he remembered. Geoffrey Collingsworth was a near legend in the service, and he had been honored that such an important officer and talented seaman had watched over his professional life, and become a personal friend. If he were here, it must be serious, and Daniel Gregg believed there was likely only one reason for the official call. "So, the rules must be obeyed to the letter Geoff? I assume that's behind your appearance today?"

"Did you think it wouldn't be noticed, wouldn't be obvious to the Fraternity?" he frowned at his friend. "Daniel, there are reasons the living are meant to fear ghosts. It is vital to keep their awareness of the gift of life. The separation between the two states must always be distinct." The Admiral looked down into the yard where the children and Scruffy were playing and Carolyn was weeding one of the flowerbeds. "Daniel," he said slowly and thoughtfully, "can they see you?" "Of course, when I will it. . ." "I mean can they see you unless you work intently to be invisible?" The long thoughtful pause brought a concerned look to the Admiral's face, "In all honesty, I am not sure," the Captain admitted, "when they first arrived, they only were aware of me when I consciously appeared. Now there is little reason to be unseen, Carolyn and Jonathan are aware of my existence. I suspect Candi also perceives me, but not consciously I think, and I not certain about Martha, the housekeeper."

Taking out a small notebook, the Admiral began writing a few quick notes. "Very well, any occasion when you believed yourself to be invisible but one of them saw you anyway?" Looking directly at his old friend, "Yes, Geoff, it happens from time to time. Is this where you send me to the Spectral brig?" "Don't get smart Daniel, you know that never worked in your living years, and doesn't either in this state," the Admiral said with a grin. "So let me remind you again sir, the living are meant to be afeared of ghosts – if they can see us, we are meant to serve as a reminder to complete their business in life. Although it's clearly not true here, is it? Ghosts cannot and should not be sought after as desired companions . . . or more than companions, eh? Daniel, it is clear you have breached all of these rules, all the proscribed guidelines. Isn't that true?"

Taking a deep illusion of a breath, the Captain asked, "So, then, you are here to tell me I've broken a major covenant? I've ceased to be an object, and I've become something . . . more?"

"Indeed my friend. We both know that once it is clear that you have crossed that boundary, you have only two options. We remove you from the source or if you stay, you continue to lose your non-incorporated state. You are not able to move on, and your abilities to be anything other than corporeal, or solid, become less and less. You arrive at a state not ghost, yet not human, an in-between world few have inhabited."

"And Geoffrey, if I tell you leaving her is the one thing I cannot accept? If I know in all my being that she is the one? Departing from her would damage my very soul, and I believe hers as well? What would you say then?"

Standing on the walk, looking first at his friend and at the family below who continued to be unaware of their discussions, the Admiral stopped, "Daniel, neither of us is able to make this final determination. If that is your final assessment, I must return to the Spectral body and ask them to make their considered ruling on your case. What else would you have them understand?" The Captain placed his hands behind his back, and turned formally looking over the family in the yard. Speaking softly, as if to the people below, "I would have them understand I have found my true place in the universe. To be part of this family, to have found her has brought a true completion to my wanderings. I cannot, and will not believe this has happened by accident, that it was only meant to occur for a few scarce days. If I truly must give up any hope of moving beyond, to be with them now, I would never regret that choice."

The Admiral stepped up beside his friend and placed a hand on his arm. "Very well Daniel, I've written your words and will present them to the Fraternity. I wish you nothing but good fortune my friend." He departed silently, leaving the Captain with an oppressive sense of anxiety and worry about what the future would bring.

Knowing nothing about either the Captain's personal emotional revelation regarding her presence in Gull Cottage and absolutely nothing about the broken covenant that brought their lives to the attention of the Fraternity, she found it increasingly difficult to understand the violent swings in his mood, especially when they were together alone. As she fully recovered from virus-X, her memories of the dream and their waltz in the past continued clear and powerful. With those memories being so vivid, she found herself wishing more than ever that they might explore the more tender feelings and emotions that continued to surface between the two of them whether spoken aloud so far, or not.

Prior to her illness, the blustering had finally seemed to lessen. The Captain's willingness to compromise his own dignity just to aid Jonathan during the writing competition had touched her deeply. Perhaps it was the weekly, or as weekly as possible, quiet afternoons when they talked over a glass of Madeira, that brought a sense of balance and togetherness. She remembered vividly during Scruffy's disappearance that he seemed close to tears when worried that the family thought he might actually do harm to their small dog. She knew he cared, for all of them certainly, and for her in particular. And that quiet voice in her own head, each day grew in volume, making it clear that her feelings for him continued to deepen. What remained unknown, at least officially is what he truly felt, and when, or if they would ever be brave enough to talk candidly to each other.

Their relationship began to feel like the cliché of "one step forward, two steps back". He seemed almost pressured to share his deepest wishes in the poem that became a song just for her. But merely a day or so later, they railed at each other about merely having the PTA meet at the cottage. She recognized his anxiety about having the Sea Vulture invisibly at anchor, draining his powers until the celestial winds were to blow again. Yet despite all the furor, he at last compromised and let the PTA meeting proceed calmly. It sped up, nearly at a dizzying pace during the Centennial games when they argued and reconciled during that memorable dance, became miserable again when Sean Callahan arrived and their feelings, the tension and emotion were raised all to a furious level of anger and jealousy and pent up caring. It combined to make it clearer to her than ever, that he loved her, she felt the same and yet no pathway to reconcile those feelings against their realities seemed ever to be possible.

On his own side, while waiting, the Captain both hoped and feared. His poem and that song Tim finally performed were born out of that belief that perhaps he could be called from her side, never able to share his heart. Yet those days had passed, and still he remained. As the Spectral body continued their deliberations he warred between distancing from her and wanting to make sure she knew all. He certainly believed the appearance of the Dutchman was not accidental, rather meant to show him what he might anticipate if he were left without his powers.

And for a space, he tried to show her, both in her misbegotten attempt to achieve elective office, or even more so, what could happen if he were not watching over her and the family, when the fugitives attempted to hold them hostage. Despite any conscious effort, they continued closer and more connected each day. Whether facing his Callahan doppelganger or potential exorcism, each barrier was met, vanquished and the Captain and Mrs. Muir achieved even closer connections. The longer he waited to receive the ruling, the more often the Captain became increasingly anxious and from time to time, a bit desperate. In a weakened moment, he believed Carolyn to be in love, and he prepared to let her go, only to understand it was only his own apprehension that made that seem likely. By Christmas, he had fully determined that no matter the Spectral decision, she, and the entire family would know his heart, and when they awoke on the morning, there was little more to share, few emotions left unexpressed, even if the words had still not been spoken aloud.

Even though no further contact with Geoffrey or other guides occurred, his instinct told him time was fleeting. It had been with this expectation in mind, that he had suggested that he and Carolyn begin work on his memoirs. He wanted her to know him completely, not just what he was today, but all that he had been, good or otherwise. Knowing her romantic nature, he held the love letters as a special temptation, and the day he had given permission for her to review them, he knew the time to speak was close at hand.

The day had begun with a spectacular sunrise, the seas calm, and a perfect day for the children to head off with Martha for the all day school picnic, while he and Mrs. Muir continued their efforts on the memoirs.

He was working in the wheelhouse when he was aware of another presence in the house and went in search of the visitor. No one was on the widows walk, in the house, nor on the grounds. Stopping on the veranda on the front of the house, he saw Geoffrey lounging upon one of the chairs there. "Daniel my boy, you found me at last, did you? You look worried, can I help?" "Geoff, it has been weeks, how could I not be concerned? Speak up man, what is the decision?" "Daniel, it has not been an easy or simple ruling. The more they reviewed, the more complicated the situation. This wasn't merely about you breaking the covenant, but it is clear you did, by the way. It took on larger issues about setting the right goals and guidelines for life, destiny, love and the nature of the meaning of what life may mean to all of us." "A bit overblown, don't you think Geoff?" the Captain smiled at him with a doubtful grin. Reaching out his hand, the Admiral smiled himself as he shook the Captain's hand, "Perhaps, perhaps my boy. Yet invoking the eternal nature of being connected made its impact. You shall not be removed, unless you ask to be. For now, for this moment you will remain. It was clear sending the Sea Vulture raised no fears for you, did it?"

The Captain walked to the steps and rested a hand upon one of the lions standing guard there. "Geoff, then it's decided? I always thought existing in a ghostly state peculiar enough, what course is ahead for me, my friend?" Clapping his hand on Daniel's shoulder, he shook his head slowly, "My boy, you are now traversing into unknown waters. No one on the ruling council can recall someone making the close, the personal connections you have made already. We believe, as you learned when the Sea Vulture arrived during the testing time, that you will be unable to use many abilities or powers. We know you will continue to have a more tangible presence among the living." As he paused, a wide, roguish smile crossed his face. Looking up toward the master cabin, he looked back at the Captain. "I wager Daniel, that you are more than 'tangible' enough for the conversation you are longing to have right now."

Leaning back, beside the lion, the Captain followed his gaze to the balcony, where he could faintly hear Carolyn reading some of his letters aloud. A veiled look of, was it panic, or was it anticipation? His old friend thought it likely a mixture of both, crossed the Captain's face. "The choice is made Daniel," he said in a commanding voice, "all that remains is for you to inform the lady herself and set sail on a new course. Last chance, my boy, you stand by your choice?"

It felt as if the ocean itself paused. The sound of the waves, the crashing ceased, and Daniel Gregg gave himself a moment to review all that lead him to this point. He would be changing everything, for her, for the family and doing it with no idea of what the final impact would be to himself. Time crawled, as he examined everything, every factor known and unknown, finally he responded. "Yes, Geoff, I'm decided." "Very well, take advantage of your powers now; as you move ahead, no one knows when they will slip from your grasp." "Indeed," he said looking back up toward the balcony outside the master cabin, and turning with a roguish grin, "but Geoff, it's what lies within my grasp, that I think matters most, don't you agree?"

Within a blink, the Admiral watched his friend reappear on the balcony, and with a silent prayer that all might be better for them, than he truly expected, he vanished himself to let their future unfold as it would.