In the pit of my stomach I felt it. I knew what was coming. I'd tried so hard to stop it happening again but even doing everything I possibly could it still wasn't going to make a difference. I couldn't stop it. I was getting worse at hiding it.

I've always been good at keeping secrets whether they were my own or someone else's. I've always been proud that I could be relied on and trusted to keep them but now my ability seems to be fading. Normally people never found out well not till several years ago. That was when the first person noticed. I had no idea what to do. I couldn't believe that someone actually knew. That they had seen through my web of lies and there they were in front of me telling me everything would be alright all I had to do was leave. Like it was that easy and the thought had just never popped into my head I even had to question myself did I really look that stupid. That was the first time we moved. Ever since then I've got worse with each new place it's taken less and less time for them to figure it out. The only thing that made me regret moving all those times was Nita. One day we'd just get up and leave, she'd have to leave her school and her friends and we never gave her a proper explanation. She probably thinks were on the run or something but that's not far from the truth; and just like everything your on the run from eventually it catches up with you. At every hospital I've been at I've been good at my job. I specials in mental health and people often question me on how I get though to those type of people. I guess they meant the type of people who don't want to listen who are realistic and know we can't really help them. Little did they know I was one of those people so I would just smile and shrug appearing modest. It always took months if not a year for people to start noticing something was wrong then after accident after accident I'd be put under "surveillance" and they would catch on. I'd get the same speech the same looks of pity and sympathy and then the next morning we would be gone. But here it's difference. Here I've got friends; here I've got Adam. Here I can't leave.

Holby city hospital, most people would only go if they were sick of visiting someone who was sick. For me holby city hospital is my haven a place where I feel safe, where I'm away from him; a place where it's ok for me to be with Adam.

I see every stolen glance. A glance that most people would love to receive but my stolen glances, well these were different. There not the glances filled with love or lust but instead with worry and what felt a lot like pity but I knew Adam to well for that. He was concerned. It had been building for week's maybe even months and when someone starts watching you like hawk they notice the little things which normally go unnoticed.

It's driving me crazy. I don't know how I would cope if he found out. If he knew I was that weak but I know he's getting closer to it every day that's if he doesn't already know, I know he suspects something. Sometimes I think it would be a relief if he knew but then I remember the others who have found out. I couldn't bare to hear that speech from Adam to see him look at me the way all the others have. I like it here I don't want to have to move, not again. I don't want to up root Nita's life again just because I can't keep it a secret. I know Adam would help me if I asked him but I couldn't if I ever left warren we'd have to run and Nita would hate me for it she would never understand. Off course I would never want her to but sometime, sometimes I let myself think about telling her, just so I can pretend she would take my side and tell me how much she loved me but I know truth I know she's a daddy's girl and I come a lowly second. To her I'm the evil in this family the one who's always so mean to her dad. The one who makes him upset. At least I know he would never raise a hand to her not his beloved daughter. He loves her too much.

I was snapped out of my thought by a loud crash behind me. I jumped bringing my hand up to my heart in relief when I realised I was in the ED and not at home. Then I saw them those warm brown, caring eyes studding me from across the desk. I knew he saw the relief on my face he knew something wasn't right but yet I couldn't tare my eyes away from his. I looked ashamed and frightened even though I hid it well. I couldn't hide it from him, I could hide it from everyone, everyone but him he could see straight though me. He could see it and didn't bother hiding that he could or what he was feeling-worry. All I had to do was stay way from him no texts no phone calls and definitely no kissing. Before I even knew it Adam had take the several strides between us and stood just centimetres away from me his worried look still plastered all over his face. I grabbed my notes and pivoted quickly hoping to get away with out talking to him but it was too late his hand was on my arm and I had to stop and face him.

"Hey," I tried to sound light hearted and even had a fake smile to go with it.

"Kirst," was all he managed to say before I butted in.

"I've got to get these done otherwise I'll have Ruth and Tess out for my blood."

"Okay," he put his hands up as a sign of defeat. I sighed it had never been this hard before.

It was the end of another shift and I had to go back to him I sat on the bus emotionally and physically drained and wondered what he would have in store for me tonight. Which Warren would he be? I knew the answer but I still wished that the old one would be there. His appearances were getting less and less. It had been weeks since I'd had seen his good natured side. Of course I saw it all the time but it was never directed at me, he saved that side of him for anyone but her. In short it had been weeks since she had seen his good natured side when they were alone together. He was like a switch the second Nita left the room he would change.

It was easier to cope with in small batches when he would be kind and caring in-between the beatings but now all I ever got was the beatings the accusations and then the silent's. Now he never apologised and sometimes I swear I see Warren looking at my bruises with a smirk on his face and I have to fight the urge to throw up. He had never been like this, well not this bad anyway. The first time he ever hit me Nita was just a couple of weeks old after I told him not to wake her. I was horrified but she was 16 with a new born and a family that had disowned me the second they front out about my pregnancy they didn't want to know me and I knew I could never go back so I stayed what else could I do. When it first started he had been so sorry and filled with empty promises and I allowed myself to believe that he meant it and it would never happen again but after the third or fourth time I realised that it wasn't going to stop but I stayed after all I had nowhere to go and after listening to his begging I realised I couldn't leave even if I wanted to he would never let me so in the end I stayed and just learned to live with it and moving on whenever anybody got too close for comfort.

She turned her key in the lock inhaling deeply before opening the door with caution.

"I'm home," Kristy's shaky voice filtered though the silent house.