!*!*! ATTENTION ... UKUNAKWA ... AKIYESI !*!*!

Disclaimer: I still, sadly do not own Naruto, and instead I continue to plot to become as famous as Naruto's almighty creators so that I can have legions of adoring zombie fans.

To Shikamaru's surprise, his rather pleasant surprise, nothing weird or disturbing happened on the way to the Hokage's office. But, instead of reassuring him, it was making him nervous. He still had the feeling that something extremely mind-warping was going to happen, and the fact that it hadn't happened yet was just making him paranoid.

Sakura stopped at the entrance to the Hokage's office. "I'll see you guys later. I've got some work to do. Oh! And, Naruto?"

Naruto paused, hand on the door, and glanced at her pink-haired friend. "Yeah?"

"I heard that you and Anko are going shopping tomorrow, and I asked her if I could help. She said yes, so I'll see you again tomorrow for more shopping! And Ino found out about it, so she'll be there, too. Bye!" And then she left, heels clacking on the floor.

Shikamaru almost winced in sympathy at the expression on Naruto's face. She looked past horrified. It was more in the region of paralyzed with fear.

She let out a little whimper. "Shika?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think anyone would believe it if I went back to using a henge and told everyone that I was only pretending to be a girl as a prank?" The hopefulness in her voice almost hurt.

He hated to burst her bubble, but… "Sorry, Naruto, but I don't think that anyone would believe that now."

Her shoulders sagged. "I didn't think so."

It just showed how evil, to Naruto at least, shopping with Ino and Sakura was, that she would consider living the rest of her life pretending to be a guy to get out of it. He shook his head and then opened the door for Naruto for two reasons. One, it was the gentlemanly thing to do, and, two, Naruto seemed stuck in a nightmare of shopping and therefore unable to function. "Naruto, come on. The sooner you get this checkup over with the sooner we can go get some ramen, my treat."

She came at least partly out of her daze and looked at him. "Ramen? Really? Okay, let's get this over with!"

As she strode past him, he hid a crooked grin. Now he knew what to do whenever she was depressed. Ramen was always the answer. He slouched in after her into Tsunade's office.

Tsunade was at her desk, a bottle of sake in one hand, but she wasn't alone in the room. Shizune was there, too, looking like she always did with her shoulder-length black hair and kind smile. "Hello, Naruto. I suppose it's not Naruto-kun anymore, is it?"

Shikamaru leaned against the wall. She seemed to be taking the news that Naruto was really a girl very calmly. It further enforced his idea that people who were associated with Naruto just expected bizarre things to happen.

Apparently much more cheerful at the prospect of ramen, Naruto answered with one of her usual blinding grins, "Nope. People seem to be calling me Naru-chan now." She turned to Lady Tsunade. "So, why am I here, Baa-chan? Sakura said something about the council wanting to make sure that I was really a girl."

"Don't call me that, you brat! And Sakura was right, they want to make sure that you're really a girl and not playing some sort of prank on us all. Idiots." She took another gulp of sake.

Shikamaru frowned. Was he imagining it or did she seem worried about something? He didn't really know her well enough to be sure, but she was toying with the sake bottle more than usual and exchanging glances with Shizune. Yep. She was definitely worried about something and didn't want Naruto to know. The room lapsed into silence, Tsunade and Shizune apparently worried, Shikamaru trying to figure out what was going on, and Naruto most likely oblivious.

The blonde spoke up, one foot tapping with suppressed energy. "Well? Are you going to give me the exam or not, Baa-chan?"

Tsunade cleared her throat. "No, I'm not, brat. Shizune is. She can do it in here, but… you probably want some privacy." She shot a significant look at Shikamaru.

Oh, right. Naruto was a girl now. It probably wouldn't be appropriate if he was watching when Shizune examined her, which most likely involved shedding some clothing, even though he'd hopefully see her without clothing… and there were his hormones rearing their heads. Mind over matter. He just needed to remember that. Yeah, right.

Naruto glanced at him, confused, before asking, "What? Why?"

Shizune, who had been in the process of pinning up her hair, paused and stared at Naruto while Tsunade just took another fortifying gulp of sake while muttering under her breath. Seeing as Tsunade wasn't going to answer, Shizune cleared her throat, a very slight pinkness to her cheeks, and said, "Naruto, you're a girl, and Shikamaru is a man, so you might want your privacy." She paused, and her eyes widened fractionally. "Unless Shikamaru's already seen…"

Finally getting it, Naruto yelped, "What! No! He has not seen me naked. I just forgot! I'm used to being in a henge as a guy."

Shikamaru smothered a smirk. Naruto was so… Naruto. He pushed himself off of the wall and moved towards the door. "I'll be outside, Naruto."

The last thing he heard before the door shut was the Hokage, muttering, "How can you forget you're a girl, brat?"

Seriously, only Naruto would be able to forget that she was a girl now, although it would be a little confusing after being a guy, superficially at least, for years. Wait… that meant that when Naruto had been topless on the training grounds, disguised as a guy, she really had been topless, he just hadn't of been able to see it. This… was really odd to think about. He shook his head and leaned back against the door, thoughtful expression morphing into a slight frown. He still had the feeling that something really odd was going to happen. But, really, maybe he was just being paran –

From inside the office, there was a crash and a feminine squeal, followed by a yell of, "Hentai!"

Without a pause, he whipped around and opened the door. He should have known that he wasn't just being paranoid. This was Naruto he was worrying about, for Kami's sake. There's always a reason to be worried! He ran into the room, one hand already straying to a kunai, only to stop dead at the scene in front of him.

Naruto was naked, or at least half naked. She had her arms clasped over her chest, barely covering her breasts, and her shorts hung low on her hips, something lacy and orange peeking out over the top. His mouth went dry at the sight, and then his brain managed to push his hormones to the side long enough to notice that she was blushing and had a murderous look on her face.

Shizune stepped in front of her, and Shikamaru turned his attention to the new person in the room who Tsunade was currently glaring at.

The spiky, white long hair, red lines on his face, and horned forehead protector could only belong to one person. The Toad Sage, Jiraiya, the self proclaimed super-pervert was standing in the middle of the Hokage's office, leering at his god-daughter, who used to be his god-son. And if that wasn't just extremely disturbing.

Shikamau hesitated. He wasn't entirely sure what to do. On one hand, he really wanted to punch the super-pervert's face in for looking at Naruto like that, and on the other… Tsunade seemed like she had everything under control. Shikamaru watched as the Toad Sage dodged a flying sake bottle. Shaking his head, he walked over to Naruto, slipping off his shirt and vest before handing the shirt to her so that she'd have something to cover her at least. Not that he was giving her his shirt because he had the odd urge to see her dressed in his clothes… because that would be just possessive and weird. Maybe just wearing his shirt. Only wearing his shirt. Lying on his bed. He just refrained from smacking himself in the forehead. Hormones… No. He was giving her his shirt because, frankly, he didn't see hers anywhere, which was odd, and she was topless.

Quickly, she turned around, so that all he could see was a smooth, tanned back, and slipped on his shirt. When she turned back around, it was painfully obvious she wasn't wearing a bra through the thin material of the shirt, and one thought was bouncing around his head. The shirt looked so much better on her. Right. Back to the issue at hand. He glanced over towards the desk, only to see… Jiraiya skillfully avoiding the rather vicious punches from a not very happy Hokage.

"I knew you were a pervert, but that's just a new low. Really? Ogling her?"

And the super pervert looked completely bewildered by what she was saying.

Shikamaru frowned, and then it hit him. The toad sage didn't know that the extremely attractive, rather well endowed girl standing in the room was Naruto. He probably hadn't heard that his godson was now his goddaughter.

He cleared his throat and said loudly, which was really way too much effort, "That's Naruto."

Jiraiya's head whipped towards him, and he was distracted enough that he just wasn't able to dodge Tsunade's punch, resulting in him slamming into the wall courtesy of its might. True to the self-proclaimed title "super" pervert, he was up and staring at Naruto in no time. "Naruto?" There was a pause, and then, "Why are you in your sexy no jutsu?"

Well, to be fair, that was the first thing anyone who knew Naruto would jump to as an explanation.

Naruto, still red in the face and glaring, but calming down, shot a suffering look at Shikamaru, which obviously said, "Do I have to explain this again?"

"She's not in her sexy no jutsu. Naruto, thanks to the Kyuubi, who is actually female, is really a woman. He… She's been a girl for years, and she's just now letting everyone know for her own reasons," he droned in the shortest explanation for someone spontaneously switching sexes ever.

"I see…" The white haired man had a thoughtful expression on his face, but it quickly deteriorated into a lecherous leer. "Wonderful! It's an upgrade! I'm such a lucky man. My student is no longer an un-cute male brat, but instead…" He let out a perverted snigger, eyes growing disturbingly dreamy. "You can help me with my research! Now, I'll have an opinion from the feminine point of view, and the bathhouses… You can go in the women's side and tell me everything. Or take a camera with you. Or you could put on a henge as a guy and come into the men's side before transforming back. I also have a nurses outfit which should fit you…" His fingers were now doing what could only be called a creepy pervert's twitch, almost as if they were fondling soft flesh.

Naruto, by this point, was bright red with both embarrassment and anger; Tsunade actually looked disturbed beyond the ability to talk; Shizune looked very much like the obvious debauchery in the air had somehow fried her brain, and Shikamaru had a new person on his "Needs to be thrown off of a cliff" list.

Before he could step in front of Naruto and perhaps shove a shuriken in the super pervert where the sun would never shine, Naruto and Tsunade, and surprisingly Shizune, punched Jiraiya at the same time, resulting in a super punch that actually sent the man, not just colliding with the wall, but half-way through it, his legs sticking out at an odd angle.

"You depraved old…" Tsunade growled.

"I am not going to help you with your research, you hentai! And I'm not putting on any of those costumes of yours, either. Don't even think about trying to get me in that nurses outfit, or the maid one you have. None of them!" Naruto fumed.

Against his will, Shikamaru's mind envisioned Naruto in a rather short and revealing maid's outfit. Maybe he could get her to wear one? No! He wasn't going to become a pervert, especially not one like the man currently half in a wall. Although…

Tsunade, shooting a semi-disgusted look at said person, turned to Shikamaru and ordered, "Take him out into the hallway so that we can finish Naruto's exam, and, if he wakes up, don't let him back in. Feel free to use force."

With a sloppy two-finger salute, Shikamaru grabbed the Toad Sage's ankle and pulled him out of the wall, not feeling particularly bad when Jiraiya's face slammed into the floor thanks to gravity. He dragged the unconscious, or stunned, body across the floor and out the door and then shut it. It was only a few minutes later when Jaraiya began to stir, blinking blearily and most likely wondering why he was on the floor.

After a moment, a wide, lascivious grin spread across his face and he giggled, not in a manner unlike Kakashi or even Kazuo. He rubbed his hands together. "I think I have the inspiration for a new book." Shuffling to the side, he sneaked open the door, only to have it slammed back shut after a few inches.

Shikamaru glared down at him, leaning back against the door. "Don't even think about it." Although, with a mind like Jiraiya's, that request was probably impossible.

"Oh, come one. I'll give you a free signed copy of my next book," he wheedled.

"As tempting as that offer is, I'm going to have to say no," he retorted. Why take him up on that offer when it would mean a whole bunch of troublesome pain from the three women in the room, Naruto being angry at him, and someone else seeing her unclothed? Besides… he didn't need a book. He had the real thing.

Muttering about people who didn't appreciate his art, the super pervert straightened up and said, "Fine, if that's how you want to be. I'm afraid that I can't let you come between me and my inspiration, though."

Shikamaru toyed with a kunai. "Lady Tsunade gave me permission to detain you using whatever means necessary."

Sudden understanding flared to life in Jiraiya's face. "Oh! So, you like Naruto. Is that it?"

Shikamaru resisted groaning. Was it really that obvious? Last time he checked, he did not have an "I like Naruto" sign painted on his forehead.

The Sage moved closer, voice dropping to a somehow still lewd whisper. "You know, I have some outfits that I could loan you. I'm sure you'd like to see Naruto in them too, not to mention…"

If later asked, Shikamaru would completely and totally deny that he had even a remote shred of interest in the extremely sketchy thing the Toad sage mentioned next. He glared. "No. Not interested, and not going to happen."

Jiraiya frowned at him, as if disappointed that he wasn't in touch with his inner degenerate.

Thankfully, the conversation didn't get any farther, since Shikamaru would have either wound up severely maiming the older man or getting a nose-bleed from all of the images that he was implanting in his mind, or both, because the door opened, and Naruto came out, back in her original shirt, Shikamaru's folded over her arm.

Her eyes narrowed to slits as she glared at her sensei. "No. Before you even ask anything else, the answer is no. I'm not going to try on any outfits for you, go with you to a private hot springs, go swimming naked, or any of the above. I flat out refuse to be your newest inspiration." There were obviously no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Jiraiya pouted.

Shikamaru shuddered. The expression just looked so incredibly wrong on him.

"We'll see, Gaki. And… Do you know this guy likes you?" he asked, pointing at Shikamaru.

Pink flooded her face, and Shikamaru felt almost smug as he reached out, curling an arm around her waist, and pulled her flush against him. "Yes, I think she knows," he said, and somehow saying that wasn't troublesome at all.

The super pervert's eyes widened, almost to the point of bugging out and his looked back and forth between his new goddaughter and Shikamaru. "You two are together?!" From the volume of his voice, the whole building probably heard.

Shikamaru hesitated. Well, they had kissed that morning, but… they hadn't really talked about a relationship. He'd just sort of assumed, and one couldn't really assume when dealing with Naruto, so… What were they exactly? Maybe –

"Yes. He's my boyfriend," Naruto said, effectively putting an end to his thoughts.

Well, that was simple. And he hadn't even had to ask her to be his girlfriend. Nice. It was way less troublesome this way.

Jiraiya whipped out a notebook. "Oh, really? So, what exactly have you two done so far? You haven't been together long, I take it, but you two are a young, attractive couple with raging hormones, so… Give me all of the details." The extremely inappropriate comment was complete with a highly suggestive leer.

Shikamaru tried to keep his mind from wandering to the thoughts that were so blatantly being suggested, which was rather difficult with Naruto pressed up against him and the fact that he was indeed a teenager with highly active hormones. Then, Naruto did something that he wouldn't have guessed, although he probably should have.

She wrapped her arms around herself, managing to emphasis her already generous bust, and glanced down as if shy. "Pervy-sage… if you really have to know… W-we did what's on page forty-four of your newest Icha-Icha… twice. Shikamaru's just got so much stamina." Her voice ended with what could have been a moan and the whole thing was completed by a blush.

The effect was instantaneous. Jiraiya's hand, which had been taking notes, stilled, his jaw dropped, and then he collapsed to the floor, passing out from a giant nosebleed.

Naruto glowered down at him, and then turned to Shikamaru, beaming. "And that's how you defeat a super-pervert. Dattebayo!"

Shikamaru stared at the passed out pervert on the floor, wondering one thing. What was on page 44?

I am not dead.

Ja ne,

Rumer Hasit