This feels kind of dumb, but Josh says writing about your feelings and fears, especially the ones you don't want to tell anyone about, helps you deal with them. Josh is pretty smart. So, maybe he's right. I hope so.

I don't know when it really started. I didn't even like Josh as friend all that much when he first moved in. But now he'll be leaving for college in a few months, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.

Like who's going to wake me up in time for shit? Okay, Drake, cut the bullshit, you're only talking to yourself here. You know you can get an alarm clock. You know why you're going to why such a mess when he's gone. Just say it, you little pussy - you twisted little fucker, you're in love with your brother. Say it again, you're in love, in love with your brother. You're gay for your brother. You want to touch him all over and do dirty things to him.

How did this happen? I never thought I was bi. I guess I had been a little curious about other guys before, aren't most horny teenage dudes? But I never really thought about or fantasized about it, really, until Josh and only for Josh. I want to kiss him more than I have ever wanted to kiss any girl. His lips and those eyes, I guess he hasn't caught me staring into his awesome eyes. Staring into his eyes makes me feel so, I don't know … peaceful … is that the right word? Not really, Josh would know the right word.

I've shared a room with the perfect person for me, and I was so stupid it took me about three years to figure it out. Or maybe just to admit it to myself.

I know I felt funny soon after he moved in because we seemed to be getting so close so fast. And I got scared and pushed him away, telling him I needed more "Drake time." But then I got so fucking jealous (like a little bitch, I know!) when he was hanging around that stupid Drew kid so much. But then I was so damn happy when he was jealous of that Jerry kid that I starting hanging around with. Talk about feeling/acting like a girl!

And then, even though I was dating a ton of chicks, I was so jealous when Josh finally got a girlfriend. I was pretty good at pretending that I was happy for him, at least sometimes. But then when Mindy first told Josh that she loved him, I convinced Josh that Mindy was just trying to distract him so she could beat him at another science fair. I didn't really believe that. I just told Josh that because I was jealous. You see, for the first time in my life, I really felt like I was the most important person in somebody else's life. And Mindy was going to ruin that and replace me. I am such a selfish asshole sometimes. Why can't knowing that Josh loves me (in the right way) be enough? Why must I always be number one? Am I that stuck on myself? I don't like needing things.

Maybe this is Josh's fault. He's changed me. When he moved in, I didn't really like to be touched. Now, I want nothing more than one of his bear hugs. And before Josh, I was just fine being good old selfish Drake who didn't care about anything or anyone but himself. Damn Josh, making me care about shit … making me care about him. That's one of the wack things about love, you lose control.

But who am I kidding? I'm only upset about loving Josh because I know he could never feel the same way about me as I feel about him. He would like totally flip out if he knew how I loved him. He'd think I'm a sick little pervert, and I guess he would be right.

Josh was wrong. This isn't making me feel any better. So I'm stopping. See ya!

P.S. I still love you, Josh ;-)