Fettered

Her throat was trying to hold her heart captive.

Today was the day; Shizuka had picked out her favorite baby blue dress, with classically white heels to set them off. The red hair that so defined her was pulled back, but her bangs wouldn't obey her directions no matter how hard she tried and she wasn't willing to gel it down. She resisted the urge to do her nails, fearing that she would over dress for the occasion. Would he even be impressed? She had waited for this for a very long time. Been alone, she thought, lived alone, survived alone, for a very long time-

She didn't know what to do now. How excited should she be? Would he feel mocked if she was too elated, too demure?

Jounouchi had offered to go with her, but she didn't want him there, being so…older brotherly. Protective. She was turning twenty-six this year and if there was one thing that she didn't need, it was to feel like a child. Not now. Jounouchi would meet everyone else there, just like she would.

Make up? Would make up be too much? She hurried down the stairs of her home, making sure not to leave her car keys behind her. She had decided not to go to the hearing. Shizuka didn't think that she could bear seeing him without being able to speak. Or touch. And hold. She was shaky the entire ride there. Shizuka couldn't stop herself from fixating on the moment that they would meet again. Would he look different? Tears began to gather while she was at a red light, and she had to wipe them away. It was scary, not having seen him for more than five years.

Anzu's face said it all when she arrived at the courthouse. Shizuka immediately knew her brother's friend, her friend, when she saw her, which was great because in her haste she'd forgotten the room number. "I knew you were coming after all," Anzu said. "Jounouchi and the others are inside with Ryou." There was a pause, and then, "You look gorgeous."

Shizuka couldn't help herself from blushing. "Thank you. It's nice to see you again." Anzu looked very grown up now. How long had it been since Shizuka had seen her? The deep brown hair was much longer, although she appeared fond of wearing it in the same general cut, angled up on the sides. She was dressed in a navy colored suit, one that did nothing but emphasize her dancer's figure. There was a white clip in her hair, reminiscent of her old style. "Who else is here?" Shizuka asked. The silence of the hallway choked her words, and they became more and more quiet as she neared the end of her question.

"Everyone," Anzu said. When Shizuka's expression reflected that she had no idea how large a number that encompassed, she elaborated. "Yuugi, of course; Jou, Honda, Ryou—you know that much, as well—but everyone else, too. Otogi's here, Rebecca Hawkins and her grandfather, Ishizu, Seto Kaiba—"

"Don't you dare mention his name," Shizuka hissed with a note of finality.

"You might not like him," Anzu said casually, "but he's decided to pay Ryou handsomely for his services this past decade. Mokuba is also here. Mako, Mai…" Shizuka didn't know how to judge the tone of Anzu's voice as she uttered the final name on the list. "A few of our old classmates, too."

Shizuka didn't want to bother Anzu with any more questions but was a bit curious as to why they hadn't gotten out yet. Ryou had told her that the hearing would be about two hours including presentations, declarations and signature taking. Had there been complications?

Anzu's eyes narrowed as they heard some noise from beyond. "…He's going home with you, then? Ryou said you had decided."

Shizuka nodded, fiddling with her dress. "I have."

"If you need any help, or someone to talk to," she said, and although she didn't sound as friendly as she used to, Shizuka knew that she meant it. "I'm here. Jounouchi is, too, although we both know that he's likely to overreact." Another paused. "To everything."

Shizuka gave another nod in response, not in the mood to chuckle at what she knew was a joke. Now she was even more nervous. The tears were staring up again. Shizuka tightened her fists. There were questions she wanted to ask. "He's missed you," Anzu said. "I know he has." That wasn't the right thing for her to say. That wasn't what Shizuka had wanted to hear.

She was glad that she'd decided not to wear any make up.

It was a long while before the hearing actually ended. Another forty-five minutes maybe an hour. It had taken Anzu a moment to realize that Shizuka had been crying. Those tears, however, were dried by the time her face was hit with the light from the hearing room when those large wooden doors were opened. Shizuka had prepared her best smile, ready to greet him, to show her support…

…but nothing could have prepared her for that moment.

Jounouchi and Honda came out first, looking almost like body guards. But they hadn't spoken in a short while, Shizuka could imagine, so she suspected that they would want to talk. Mai followed them, wearing a long skirt for the first time that Shizuka had ever seen—it was black and stopped at her knees. Otogi exited next, talking to Rebecca and her grandfather, and then a small group of people she hadn't met—the classmates that Anzu had been talking about, she supposed—and then Mokuba speaking heatedly to Mako and his older brother, whom Shizuka promptly ignored.

At the back of the group in the hallway, Yuugi was talking to him. He was carrying a black duffel bag, and he hadn't looked in her direction at all—but that didn't stop her from still feeling it; still feeling the tug of her feelings, of her love—she had waited, after all—and her hope.

And her hurt. The pain hit her suddenly and she swayed on her feet.

Her brother stopped his conversation with Honda to hug her, and Shizuka couldn't help being disappointed with the fact that he was the only person to have done so. Peering over Jounouchi's shoulder she saw Ryou Bakura exiting the hearing chambers, moving to the front of the crowd and briefly embracing Honda. The small show of affection made Shizuka genuinely smile.

"You were out here this whole time?" Jonouchi asked her. She nodded onto his shoulder.

"I couldn't have gone in there.

"Why didn't you let me pick you up?"

"I didn't need you to," Shizuka saw Yami glance at her while he was talking to Yuugi, and she pulled away from her brother. "Is it official?" She moved his hands from around her midriff.

"…yeah," Jounouchi said. "This is it. He's done his time, man." She heard a quiver in his voice and knew that her big brother was just as emotional about this as she was. They were more alike than they appeared.

Ryou approached them then, asking to speak with her. He explained to her that for the next year, Yami was considered to be on probationary status. There were rules the like that had to be followed, and an appointment with a probationary officer every third Tuesday of the month down at the precinct. She had been put down in paperwork as the contact person, and she would be called and notified of particulars a week in advance. It was a large responsibility, he told her as she nodded her understanding, and to not hesitate to call himself or anyone else if she was finding it difficult. He was aware that they hadn't spoken in a long time, he said.

It wasn't the responsibility that felt so heavy on her shoulders; it was the complex ball of emotions she felt as she thought about the fact that that Yami still hadn't taken a real look at her—into the woman that she had become in his absence—and acknowledge her.

She hadn't been able to stand the pressure of his lack of attention. Shizuka had excused herself, to both Anzu and Jounouchi's chagrin, and headed to her car after leaving directions to it. She was parked across the street from the courthouse on one of the side streets in front of a diner. Her little red baby wasn't hard to find.

It was easy to tell when they'd found her, as it was difficult to ignore the babble from outside. The muttered congratulations, the bodies pressed together in what Shizuka assumed were hugs, the good luck wishes. Jounouchi tapped on her window from the curbside and wished her good luck—he seemed to be the only man who was being thoughtful that day, as her follow up conversation with Otogi was nothing more than him trying to hit on her again; she only half appreciated it.

Then Yuugi hugged her, and thanked he profusely, and that really made her feel grand—he had a way of working that sort of magic on people, even without words—and told her that she could call him at any time for anything. She nodded, feeling tired already from an ordeal that hadn't involved her yet at all.

The back door opened, and she heard the thud of the duffel bag and the friction between it and the seat's material. Felt the tug of the car, slightly, as Yami got in, and she said nothing. She waited a moment for the crowd beside her car to dissipate, but they simply stepped back on the curb and Shizuka began to drive when she realized that she would get no privacy otherwise.

They were only a block away and while she wanted to throw his game of silence back in his face, his lack of…anything was eating away at her. She folded, and was the first to speak. "…you could have sat in the passenger seat."

His voice, low and rumbly, was one that she hadn't heard in years. It both pleased and infuriated her. "My instincts told me that the back seat would be safer."

Shizuka was tempted to chuckle and cry simultaneously, and didn't know if that were possible; she had missed his dry humor but hate the application in this case. Those shouldn't have been their first words to each other. She didn't have it in her to playfully say anything back, and so the rest of their ride, all thirty-five minutes of it, was spent in silence. The words were caught in her throat—I love you, dammit—but that's where they stayed. He hadn't deserved them yet.

She pulled up in front of her home, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly even after she had parked, unmoving. The doors were unlocked, but Yami hadn't dared move. Shizuka didn't know when the tears had begun to fall again, when her body had begun shaking, or when she had made the noise that cause Yami notice, but for her it all seemed to happen at the same time.

"Shizuka," Yami said. There was a pause, filled with all the things that Shizuka wanted him to say. "I'm sorry." That wasn't any of those things.

She had to take control of herself until he was out of the car, bag in hand. "Look, I won't give you an excuse. I just wanted things to be easier."

As slurred with her tears as it might have been, Shizuka found her voice. "Yes, and look how much easier they've been," she mocked. She had never heard herself sound so bitter—she didn't like it. It sounded foreign, even to herself.

"I can stay with someone else," Yami said, just as bitterly. Shizuka ignored him, making her way up to the door of the pale yellow house that belonged to her. A color that had suited her cheery personality, Jounouchi had said, and now she felt as though it were mocking her.

Shizuka's hands fidgeted with her keys—they weren't quite shaking, but she was feeling impatient. She found the right one, inserted it into the lock, turned it—but it stopped three quarters of the way. She jiggled it, but to no avail. Wonderful, now her door was plotting against her, too. She jiggled the keys again, pulled them out and put them in again, but the lock still only turned—

"Let me try," Yami said, and he brushed her hand, away, using one hand to grasp the knob and pull the door toward him as he turned the key. The door opened easily.

Yep, her home was betraying her.

She was quick in laying down her rules. She left for work early in the morning, at six, and was there until usually around four o'clock. She would be home before five. If he needed anything, he could call but there was a strong possibility that it would take a while for her to return it. If there was some sort of emergency, he was to call anyone from their list of friends—their numbers were on the refrigerator. Anyone whose number was on the fridge was allowed to enter her home without permission; anyone else had to be cleared by her. She had worked out those rules months ago. There were a few other things that she had wanted to add, but Ryou had advised her to be easy on the rules until she could discern what sort of attitude Yami had about them.

Shizuka didn't feel like that this man was too different than the one that she had known before they'd stopped talking—she wished that she wasn't out of her element in saying so—but she couldn't say for center that he was. Not when he had screamed at her like that; not when he had told her to stop her visits. Not when he had refused to speak to her when she persisted.

Nonetheless, he appeared to agree to her rules without complaint.

This is a nice place, Shizuka," he said. It was odd that he'd waited two days after arriving to say this, after having room already. "I appreciate your allowing me to room here." It was polite, too polite and reminiscent of the way that he had always been—when he wasn't angry.

They had not spoken much in the last two days—she had gone to work, and Yami had eaten and slept and watched television. He had asked her about newspapers when she had returned, and she had directed him toward the guest account on her laptop in her office. He would have to get used to using it, as he had barely known what it was. She had tried to explain it to him, but thought that he should start with the basics. Shizuka had pointed him toward a website that supplied typing exercises. She had told him to start with that, and helped to explain the keys and all that with him. Now that had been pleasant, that part of the first day. She enjoyed teaching. It was what she did best, and she had felt comfortable.

She didn't respond to his compliment other than a casual thank you, because he should have known that her home was open to him and always had been.

There was a part of her that admired his determination and tenacity. Yami had been diligent in his task of learning to type. He practiced every day, logging hours and hours while Shizuka was gone and working—the files were saved in the browser cache. He spent the day typing tens of thousands of words if he could manage it, moving forward through the lessons faster than she had expected him to. When she'd asked about why it was so important, Yami told her that he wanted to get a job to pay her back. To pay himself back. He wanted to be able to support himself. These were admirable goals, and when Ryou had heard about them he'd been overjoyed that Yami was doing something productive with his time.

In those first two weeks, Yami was visited quite a bit, but he made sure to report every sing person in keeping with Shizuka's rules. Yuugi had stopped by almost every other day, and Jounouchi just as much; Otogi, every once in a while, perhaps once a week if he continued the pattern. Anzu saw them whenever she had the chance—her rehearsals and performances always kept her busy, and often late at night. Even Mokuba had visited once (and Shizuka was glad that he hadn't brought Seto along), and she tried her best to give Yami privacy with those who visited him while she was at home. She was glad that he had other people to interact with while she was away or busy with her own work, as she herself knew how incredibly boring it could be in the house by herself, alone.

At one point, her visits to the prison had been all she'd had to look forward to.

The problem was that they still weren't talking. Occasionally Yami thanked her for her accommodations, but that just wasn't enough. It just wasn't what she wasn't. It wasn't how they'd used to be. She had suffered the entire month without any progress.

Those thoughts distracted her even at work, and that was a problem. She loved children, and they were often very good for offering their own distractions for her problems. But that day, three of her students had asked her if there was something bothering her, and that was a red flag for her. She couldn't let her issues with Yami—no matter how personal they were—affect her work with them.

No sooner had she gotten home, she called to Yami, "Are you here?" She was sure that she sounded a bit aggressive, but she just didn't care enough to try to mask her frustration. He answered immediately by showing up at the door. "Yami!" she said, realizing that her voice was louder than it had to be. She didn't care.

"What?" He answered.

That was it—that was the straw. "I can't do this!" she yelled. She had been expecting a question, a defensive reaction, but Yami said nothing in response to her this time, simply crossing his arms and staring at her. "Why did you do it? Why did you tell me to—" she couldn't finish her sentence, and felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She was such a wuss, even when she was angry! She wanted to hide her expression, but she knew that there was nothing she could do about it other than ignore it.

"What happened?" He asked her.

So something had to happen to make her upset? It couldn't have been the fact that she was forced out of communication with the man that she loved, whatever faults he may have had, for five years? That couldn't have possibly made her upset? "You," Shizuka said. "You happened." Her voice was calmer, quieter. She really did hate yelling. "I loved you," she whispered, not knowing what else to say. "I can't believe you did that to me." Yami seemed unable to respond, or he refused to. He stood there, looking at her. Shizuka shook her head. She had no idea what had happened to him over the last five years. Why did he seem so…different? He used to be more hopeful, more…confident in how he felt. Now he was grasping for words. "We have to figure out how to make this work, Yami," she said. "And…and…" she didn't know how to phrase her next thought, to put words to feelings as though he had been trying to forget about her, and the last twelve years that she had stood beside him. She didn't know now to tell him that her emotions were being erased. Her tongue wouldn't move to try to word it.

Yami opened his mouth, and then shut it. He didn't have a single thing to say? He took a deep breath, arms still crossed. "Shizuka, the last five years…I hadn't been expecting you to wait for me. I didn't want you to."

"You were happy enough with me waiting the other seven! What would five more take from me?" she shot back.

"A house, like this one," Yami said. "A husband. Children. Perhaps two. Your life, Shizuka."

"You're stupid, if that's how you really think that I feel," she spat. "I love you, you stupid idiot. And I wonder why." She didn't know where the courage for her words were coming from, but she was going to go with it. "All you do is hurt me. I get it. It's unfair that you had to go, that they took you away from me. I understand. But I waited, and you don't appreciate it all. I get all dressed up for stupid hearing on your stupid release date, and you don't so much as look at me. I was there. I visited you every day, when I could. I wrote letters. I took pictures of everyone. I did everything for you—d"

"And I never deserved it."

"You don't have the right to dictate what you deserve," Shizuka said, tears still falling, "because if that were the case, you wouldn't have gone to prison…in the first… place." Yami's eyebrows were furrowed. "It's not like you were treated badly in there, like some people. You told me, I remember. You put that guy in a coma, sure; you broke that other one's legs, and whatever else—but the first tried to rape Anzu, and the second was bullying students! Even the judge believed you! That stupid, stupid Kaiba could have done something about it—"

"You can't pay off everyone, Shizuka," he said calmly. Why was he so calm when she was crying?Did her sorrow mean nothing?

"I hate him," Shizuka spat. "He pays off everyone else! Stupid tournament in the middle of the stupid city! What does the city do for me? Puts my boyfriend in jail, that's what. That's what the city does. People fought for you, Yami—they've all gotten credit. They all got their gratitude from you. What did I get? A glance and thanks for letting you stay in my house. Like I'm supposed to forget that I care about you! Like we weren't supposed to live in this house together!"

Yami's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, Shizuka—"

"You're always sorry. That's all I ever heard from you. I don't want you to be sorry…stupid…" She dropped her bags, sinking to the floor. "I want you to love me, you idiot. Why can't you… why can't you just do that?" Yami sighed, the first time that he had looked exasperated since he'd arrived. He began to approach her, but she snapped, "Don't touch me! Just—just don't touch me! Leave me alone!"

So Yami took a step back, and stood there, watching. Shizuka wasn't sure if he was going to say anything, but she needed to compose herself. She had never lost herself like that, never wanted to rip out someone throat and kiss them at the same time—she felt justified, felt like she had to right to say what she was saying; but she still wanted to smooth it over. She had waited for five years to say all of this to him, and now she regretted it even while it felt right. She looked up at him, chest heaving from her yelling, once again trying to find words to say, but her throat was trying to hold her heart captive.

{Fin}

Alrighty! I've gave myself a heart attack finishing this up. XD I wanted to edit it a little bit, but I'm afraid with papers and readings due, I wasn't able to.

Some back ground information - as usual, my story takes place in an in media res format. Here, Yami has been sent to prison for the Penalty Games done in season zero, obvious. Shizuka's view is somewhat limited in reference here, as the details are more familiar to her than they are to the audience. I wanted to add some other things in before the ending, but I wasn't quite sure how to do it. I really struggled with realizing this piece, as I'm sure some of you (Animom, who has already commented) can tell, and I appreciate your patience with the story. To fill in some blanks not mentioned in the story: Yami would have gotten a higher sentence, for putting individuals into comas (sending their consciousness to the Shadow Realm, really) and for perhaps two deaths. However, it could not be ignored that these actions were often done in the self-defense of an individual or individuals, and therefore while he couldn't be let off considering the irreparable damage, his sentence could be reduced due to circumstances. I believe that twelve years was a bit thin for something like this, but I had to also make this work for the pairing that I was trying to achieve. Yami's time in prison wasn't unpleasant - despite rumors and reports not everyone is chastised when entering prison, and the fact that he was going to serve time for helping others would, actually, help his reputation and treatment as opposed to harming it (I spoke to quite a few resources regarding this before adopting into the backstory). However, there were clearly issues with him watching time and life go on without him.

Concerning the shadowshipping relationship - Shizuka, being 14, perhaps 15 at the time that Yami went to prison probably began seriously developing her relationship with him while he was actually serving time, something that I'm sure Yami would both appreciate and be worn down by, considering what I've stated above. She's clearly upset by Seto Kaiba's inability to get Yami out early or to avoid the sentence at all. I wanted to work in a bit more here in terms of their interaction and their relationship, but I couldn't quite work it out. As I said, I really did struggle with this piece, despite beginning work on it earlier than I usually do for the contest.

About Shizuka - I tried to make her a bit stronger-but-weaker than she's usually portrayed in fanfiction. Here, you can clearly see that she is fragile to some extent when dealing with a situation that she's unfamiliar with, but I wanted it to be obvious that even while she's breaking down she's still fighting to keep herself up, and even when she is discouraged she is also capable of talking herself back up to greet her situation with resourcefulness. I know that it's a lot to put into a small piece like this, but I tried my best.

About Yami - We had a short conversation in the forums about this, about the fact that Yami isn't necessarily the romantic type. I think that while prison would simply extend his isolation, which he is sort of used to, I can only imagine how it would affect a person to have someone care deeply for them and not be allowed to explore the possibilities of where that can lead for such a long time. In Yami's case, making this worse is the fact that he had just opened himself to the possibility of progress (implying that his was able to get his own body) right before his arrest and prosecution. Like I said, I would have liked more of a chance to explore, this, but... *sigh*

A few actually neat things in this story - This connects to my Protectshipping fic, "Tego Texi Tectum", which is, ironically, my best submitted piece for the contest, and Ryou/Honda is referred to somewhere up there, if you caught it. This story would actually explain why Yami was not present in the story at all, despite references to Yami Bakura's existence from Ryou's perspective. Also, I really liked the idea of older!Anzu. I liked the way that she was in this fic, and the hints at things that could have happened between the timing of these stories.

That's all for now. I really feel like I choked this story before it had a chance to blossom...

Thanks for reading and reviewing, though.