Chapter 23: Fruit Ninja Salad
Mon. June 25th
1:48 P.M.
From: SamluvzHam
To: Fredtech57
Subject: Fruit ninja salad
Yo-dee-yo! Wazzup, Fredface? I know you're in the middle of an "important" AV club meeting *snickers* but…I'm bored. And causing you pain has always been an excellent source of entertainment. Ever heard the phrase "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me"? Really? Words can't hurt?
Whoever came up with that has obviously never met me. ;)
So after giving Frothy his weekly bath (he lost fur in some places, but at least he's squeaky clean now!) I worked up an appetite. Actually, I get hungry even when I'm doing nothing. Whatever. But all we had in our fridge was a half-empty can of a strawberry-flavored Mexican beverage that may or may not be illegal. And past its expiration date.
I drank it anyway…
Then I stole five bucks from my mom's new boyfriend when he wasn't looking. Well…he was actually unconscious at the time…because I hit him over the head with my butter sock. But before you judge me, I only took five dollars from him. And the butter was fresh!
So where does a hungry blonde go for food? If you're me, you go to the Groovy Smoothie or Canada. But there's a warrant out for my arrest in Canada, so I went to the GM. Plus, Canadians live in Canada…those people really dance randomly on my nerves. The only good thing they've got going for them is the maple syrup and the fancy sliced ham.
So I went to the Groovy Smoothie and ordered a large mixed berry smoothie. But T-Bo brought me a cup full of unblended fruit! It was a fruit salad in a cup! And I hate fruit unless it's a smoothie. It's a ninja thing.
Yeah, that's right…I'm an awesomesauce ninja. My high score on Fruit Ninja is a thousand! I'm working on getting up to a thousand and one cuz odd numbers scare people more than even numbers.
For example: If I told you I could kill you with a paper clip ten ways you'd be scared. But if I told you I could kill you eleven ways with a paper clip, you would be hiring a bodyguard to protect you right now.
Anyway…do you ever wonder why ninjas hate fruit so much? What, did the fruit question their ninja honor?
Wow, did I actually type that? Maybe I'm getting too obsessed with this game. I may have to join fruit ninja anonymous (FNA) I did that after I shot that Rabbi while playing Assassin with Spencer. Do you see me carrying a paintball gun anymore? No! (That's cuz it's hidden somewhere you'll never find it) :D
I don't really see anything wrong with loving to slice virtual fruit. It's a useful life skill! Today Carly asked me to help her chop up some bananas for a pie she was baking and I sliced three whole bananas in three seconds! Carly was so impressed, she let me eat the whole pie. JK. I grabbed it out of the oven when she went to put out a fire Spencer started (that was one unhappy raccon) and ran out of her loft. I only wish I had used oven mitts. That's gonna hurt in the morning…
I'm gonna go abuse some innocent fruit now. Later!
-Sam
P.S. Maybe the real reason ninjas hate fruit is because of you. :/
Mon. June 25th
2:36 P.M.
From: Fredtech57
To: SamluvzHam
Subject: Re: Fruit Ninja Salad
Well, that was a…bizarre…email. But it's nice that you took the time to stop playing fruit ninja on your pearpad and emailed me. Even if I was in the middle of my AV club meeting. And it was important! We talked about…uh…nothing.
How can words physically hurt a person? Maybe that's not the question I should be asking. Okay…how much do words hurt? As much as your butter sock? Cuz if so, I'm gonna need a divorce. And a restraining order.
BTW the reason we only have illegal expired Mexican beverages in our fridge is because you ate all the other food! Seriously, if I had put Jade in the freezer, I bet you would have eaten her too. But about that Mexican beverage…how did that even get in there? Where did it come from? And try to look on the bright side. It's not half-empty…it's half-full! *sigh* Yeah, I know that was lame. I'll be expecting the butter sock when I get back. Also, why do the Canadians want to arrest you? What happened in Canada? Do I even want to know? Or would you have to kill me?
I've never heard of the game fruit ninja. Sounds fun. Slicing virtual fruit, huh? I'll download it on my pearpad and check it out. I don't like fruit either. Guess that makes me a ninja too.
And I know you're mad at me when I got that job at the pear store. Sorry for freaking out just because you were better at it than me. I was just jealous. Technology is kind of my thing…like eating and beating people up is your thing. Don't worry, I'm over it now. You looked really cute in that red employee shirt, btw. (: But you look even better with it off…
Anyway, you're probably still mad because I gave pears to everyone but you. But it's only because I knew you were a ninja. And ninjas hate fruit! I wasn't ignoring you, I swear. If you really want a pair, I'll buy you one! I'll buy you twenty! Or a hundred! I'll even get you your own little personal bag of pears!
-Freddie
A/N: I recently discovered the awesome game Fruit Ninja! I play it all the time on my iPad. If you haven't ever played it, check it out! It's free. So I just had to write seddie fanfic about it, of course.
I really loved iPear Store because the end was SO seddie, but I hated when Freddie walked in and gave pears to Gibby, Carly, and Spencer…but not Sam. He didn't even look at her! It was like she didn't deserve a pear. Did anyone else notice that?
This was my way of resolving that little conflict. Now I don't feel so angry at Freddie.