DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.

Summary - Abandon by his parents, seven year old Edward is physically abused and neglected in his foster home and his only close friend, Bella, lives in Arizona for ten months out of the year. It is only when the Cullens unexpectedly enter his life that he learns what it means to be loved and his wounded soul starts to heal.

When tragedy brings Bella to Forks for good she comes hiding a secret too big to share, even with him. Can these two tortured souls find happiness in a mad world of vampires and werewolves or are they already doomed by their own past?

All canon couples

Chapters of Edward as a child will be told in the third person. All others will be told from Edward's POV. I may include additional POVs if the story warrants.

This is Edward's story.

WARNING: Strong language, drug and alcohol abuse, thoughts of suicide and suicide attempts, mental illness and child abuse. Future lemons.

Prologue - Edward's POV

None of us wore watches and no one had a cell phone but even with the clouds blocking it most of the time, we could see that the sun was starting to set. It was getting late. If we wanted to make it back before Billy's fish fry we had to hurry. Billy didn't appreciate it when we straggled in after all the work was done and I was pretty sure that Jacob had volunteered us to handle the deep fryer, so there would be no acceptable excuse for being the last to arrive.

I glanced over at him now as we prepared to leap from the lower cliff shelf in unison. Feeling my gaze he threw me a look that indicated he knew we were pushing it and would need to hurry.

Just then Quil and Embry emerged from the trees. They had gotten into an impromptu wrestling match half way up the trail and we'd abandon them to their infantile behavior, neither of us too concerned that it would escalate into anything more.

"Well you finally made it," Jacob yelled over the roar from the water crashing against the sheer rock wall. "If you want to ride with me, we need to get going."

"Come on, let's jump from the top. There ain't no challenge here," Quil whined. His repetitive pleading all afternoon was getting old. If he wanted to jump from the top he didn't need us to escort him up there.

"Go for it dude," Embry replied, finding the conversation as tiresome as I did. "I'll come with you and give you a little shove when you weenie out."

"We'll see you at the bottom losers," I shouted as they continued on the path that would take them up to the top. I doubted they would jump, but I wouldn't voice my skepticism now. No, I'd save the ribbing for later at Billy's house when we had an audience.

To my surprise, when I turned to look at Jake one more time before we made our jump, I saw that he'd stepped back from the cliff and was staring after them.

"Oh man, tell me you aren't thinking what I think you're thinking?" I scoffed.

"It will be a great story to tell everyone tonight." Jake smiled slyly. "Besides you don't think Quil will actually take the plunge, do you?"

"No, I was counting on him not jumping. It will save us a trip to the emergency room." I sighed. Once Jake got it in his head to do something there was no changing his mind and he wouldn't chicken out.

"Ahh come on, Masen. Have a little faith."

"Sure…sure, lead the way."

There wasn't much I wouldn't do for Jake if he asked and he knew it which put me in the unenviable position of being the bitch in our relationship; but I couldn't complain too much and Jake seldom took advantage of it. It wasn't that I was a complete candy ass, incapable of standing up for myself, but there was too much history between us and the rest of the Quileute boys and without them and their endless, often merciless harassment, I think I would have gone insane or worse.

The distraction of my friends on the reservation was usually enough to make me forget, at least for a little while, but the pain was always there, just below the surface. There was no anger, that emotion had left me a long time ago. There was no point in being angry at something that was inevitably meant to happen. I should have known; I should have seen it coming, but I'd blindly accepted my amazing good fortune forgetting that it never lasted, I would never be allowed true long-lasting happiness, it wasn't in the cards for me and deluding myself into believing otherwise was no one's fault but my own. Still it was hard to ignore the giant hole in my heart and life with the absence of Bella and the Cullens.

Not that Bella was out of my life, but her own dark demon had driven a wedge between us, one that neither she nor I could overcome and even with Charlie's support I found her slipping away from me. When the Cullens disappeared, I lost everything that anchored me; I had no support, no guidance, no family and I had to deal with all that shit plus manage Bella and her issues on my own.

It was only when I returned to the place of my youth, the reservation, a pale face among this tiny tribe of very private, very superstitious people, that I felt some life return, the cold indifference dissipating with each passing day. Surrounded by my buds almost made it possible to believe someone cared about me again.

Carlisle had been smart about one thing. Whether it was through a guilty conscious or a sense of responsibility that he wasn't obligated to have, he made sure I had a home and the Clearwaters were as good as any, especially after Harry died. I was Sue's distraction from her own grief while she tried to help me deal with mine. It could be that we saved each other that way, even if we were only deluding ourselves into believing that things could only get better from that point on.

So here I was, living a life that for all intents and purposes wasn't mine to live, being part of a people that I didn't belong too, having friends that I'd largely abandon for the past ten years and finding a little bit of hope somewhere in the midst of it all.

When we reached the top, I found my perch on a flat stone that hung out over the cliff ledge; a familiar spot for me. I often came up on this cliff to contemplate my life and give Sue and her kids some private family time especially during holidays or other important milestones that didn't need the interference of an outsider. Only the older Quileute boys ever ventured up here so I was usually left alone to wallow in a pity party over what had become of my life and I wasn't even eighteen yet.

Quil stood on the edge, looking down at the crashing waves below us, the tide was going out; treacherous looking rocks were dotting the shoreline. It was getting a little too late to make this jump and he appeared pale under his bronze skin.

"What are you waiting for Quil, hurry up. I can almost taste those fish and you know Billy won't let us eat if we don't help," Embry prompted.

That wasn't entirely true. Billy would let us eat but we'd also be regulated to clean up detail and after a night of eating and drinking by several dozen people, it could take up several hours of our Saturday, especially if he thought clean up should also include getting the chainsaw out and cutting wood from the trees that had fallen around the house after a recent storm. It was never a good idea to piss Billy off; his payback always involved being productive.

"Hot damn that's a long way down," Quil squeaked, causing Embry to break out in a fit of nervous giggles.

"I'll go if you go, "Embry said when he'd gotten himself under control. He knew Quil wasn't going to go anywhere so it was easy to appear confident, even cocky.

Jacob had taken a position on the outer cliff ledge that jutted out away from the rock wall. It was the perfect place to launch oneself into the angry waters below. He looked down, then over at me, then down again.

"You don't have to jump Jacob. We can come back next week. It will be a lot warmer and the beach will be full of witnesses to your idiocy," I offered.

I tried not to interfere too much with his reckless behavior. Mothering him around was not a role I relished or one he appreciated. Yes I had interfered with his risky adventures in the past, even threatening to accidently mention it to Billy when he got the bright idea that we should swim off the point of First Beach to a little outcropping of rocks on a particularly calm day, pointing out that the rocks were a good mile from shore and with the rip current and potential for a shift of the winds, it would be risky and for what?

But if he'd gone, I would have followed; I owned him my loyalty, even if it meant putting myself in perilous situations that he appeared to thrive under, his face glowing with satisfaction after each successful adventure was complete. If I didn't know any better I would say that Jake had started a bucket list and was relentlessly checking off all the things he wanted to accomplish in his life dragging me along for the ride. Not that I was a complete coward, but where Jake usually came away from these misbegotten adventures unscathed, I almost always found a way to get caught or injured depending on what the latest escapade entailed. Good thing I was friends with the police chief and too bad that I was no longer the unofficial adopted son of the local doctor. For a while there, I had all my bases covered.

Loyalty.

It's how I thought of my relationship with Jake. Not that we weren't friends, good friends, even best friends at least in my case, but I doubted I would be here on this cliff contemplating making a dangerous jump with him if it were anyone else but Jake.

It had been six months.

Six months…six months since the Cullens left me. It felt like yesterday or like it never happened. The odd sensation of having lived a life that didn't feel like my life, like I had watched it unfold through someone else's eyes was always with me. Every detail of it fresh, yet dreamlike, the recollections of a life that I was never really meant to have. I closed my eyes as the sun broke from the clouds relishing it's warmth against my face.

The Cullens.

I could not think about them because if I did, I knew the inevitable uncontrollable reaction would occur and I wasn't too keen on wiping tears from my eyes in front of my boys. Everything I experienced in my life up to that point should have prepared me for it or at least made me immune to the anguish they would eventually cause me. I was little more than an abandoned pet to them, a stray dog that they fed and took care of because I hung around the house, but not something they felt obligated to take with them when they left.

The wall I built was there, it couldn't protect me against the pain of the beatings and the ache of an empty belly, but it should have prepared me for the agony of their betrayal, the shock of their abandonment when I needed them most, the hurt that I was alone, would always be alone and had no one that I could count on. But I learned, I always learned and filed it away as a mistake not to be repeated. Their disappearance was that final blow that brought me to my knees and I had no intention of standing up only to be knocked down again. Because it would happen. It always happened.

No, as much as I loved my boys…my buds…my posse, I would never trust them so much as to count on them when I needed them most. We were friends, nothing more and friends could easily be replaced with other friends so I never let myself be too drawn into security of having someone I could count on to cover my back.

I flexed the fingers of my right hand. The pain was still there; the result of my fist meeting Carlisle's face. Not a good idea in hindsight, but the pain was welcomed. It was the only thing I had left of them, the only thing that proved they really existed.

Bella.

The wind seemed to whistle out her name, taunting me and if I'd been alone, I would have replied out loud to the call of it. Bella was different. Bella hadn't abandon me, hadn't betrayed me, hadn't refused to do the one thing I begged her to do. Bella loved me and it was only the demon that kept us from being together for all time. Bella could be trusted, but Bella wasn't in control.

"Earth to Eddie, where are you at Bro?" Embry's voice broke into my thoughts.

"Right here, waiting for you chicken shits to come to what was a foregone conclusion, before we ever came up here. You aren't going to jump." I countered, finding the voice I used for my buds; my go with the flow voice.

I looked over at Jake and felt warmth creep across my face. He knew I was full of shit; he knew me almost better than anyone, so that wasn't too surprising. The good thing about Jake was he usually didn't harass me about it, at least not in front of the others.

"I didn't walk my ass all the way up here for nothing," he said with a wink in my direction. "You infants can start walking because as soon as I'm down on the beach, I'm heading home. Maybe you can hitch a ride with Paul and Jared. I think I see them down on the beach hitting on the Forks' girls again.

The Forks' girls.

Bella would have been with them in another life. She was a Forks' girl. I certainly wouldn't be up here on the top of this cliff if she had been which was just another reason why I didn't quite fit in, didn't quite belong. My priorities were all wrong. I was a user, occupying my time with my friends when I'd rather be somewhere else, with her, with the Cullens; yeah my boys were right down there at number three.

I scanned the beach and sure enough, there was Paul and Jared with a couple of blond girls that were not from the reservation.

"Let's make some noise to get their attention," Quil suggested. "We want them to witness you're jump, Jake."

"Why, so they can see how the rest of you wimped out?" Jake responded. He had a point.

"Ahhh, that's not fair. I'll jump, but I think we waited too long," Embry said.

I glanced over the ledge and nodded. It did look dangerous. More rocks, more waves, the wind was picking up. "Yeah maybe you should wait, Jake, conditions aren't really ideal."

He rolled his eyes, but I could see the concern in them. He looked over the edge. I didn't actually hear him gulp but I saw his Adam's apple bob several times. He needed a way out and to save face and I would give him that.

'We're almost dry, let's just go back and get the fire going for Billy. If we get wet, I'll have to go home and change and then Leah will want to come back with me. We could do without her tonight," I said. Seth would probably want to come too, but him we could tolerate. Sam and Leah together could get ugly and Sam would most likely be at Billy's with Emily.

"Yeah come on Jake, let's go." Quil was trying to save face but tonight promised to be long and painful for him. We would not let his cowardice go without an extreme amount of ribbing.

"Hey is Bella coming tonight?" Embry asked me abruptly.

I winced. It was an involuntary reaction whenever anyone mentioned her name. "Not sure, I haven't heard if she's home." I wasn't being evasive. Bella no longer had a cell phone. I hadn't spoken to her in a month and Charlie never made any promises.

Before he could reply we heard hollering from the beach. "Hey kiddies, get down from there, you might get hurt."

The voice was hard to make out over the loud roar of the ocean swells crashing into the beach, but it was undoubtedly Paul. His obnoxious behavior never took a vacation, even when he was hitting on the local girls.

I saw the look on Jacob's face. I knew that look. He wouldn't back out now. The challenge was made and he would answer it. It would be my fault if something happened. Any animosity between Jake and Paul was directly related to me. No one would tell me exactly what happened but it wasn't hard to deduce that they had a physical altercation when they both showed up with cuts and bruises on their face and scrapes on their hands. Never mind that the noticeable physical signs of a fight disappeared the next day. Jake explained it away by saying Quileutes healed rapidly. Whatever.

Paul hated me. Whenever he was around I could feel his gaze burning a hole in my flesh and he made no move to mask his loathing for me. Regardless of who was around, he would stare at me with unabridged hostility ignoring the chiding looks from the elders in the tribe and even taunting me in front of Jake, Quil and Embry, daring them to do something about it. His contempt for my presence here on the reservation aside, there was something else about me and my relationship with the Cullens specifically that enraged him. When once he tried to spit out the reasons for his venomous feelings towards me, he was quickly hushed by his friends who herded him off before he revealed some secret that everyone seemed to know but me. I was at a loss for how to respond to him and not wanting to cause Sue any additional grief I chose to ignore him even if it made me come across as a complete chicken shit.

"Come on, let's go. We'll jump from the lower shelf," Embry said, but he didn't see that the decision had already been made. "Billy will be pissed if we're late."

"All the more reason to jump. It's the quickest way down," Jake responded.

Embry looked at him skeptically. Quil was already half way down the path, stopping only when he heard the determination in Jake's voice.

I stood up and joined Jake on the ledge. We both peered over the side taking stock of the anticipated landing spot in the swirling black waters below us.

"I dunno man; I think we waited too long. Embry's right, we can always jump tomorrow," I said hopefully.

"Ahhh shiiit, I gotta jump." He gave me goofy grin, nodding his head towards the group on the beach. "Pretty stupid huh?"

"Yeah stupid. Who cares what those nimrods think?"

But we both knew the answer to that. Jake cared. Life hadn't been easy for him as my friend. He had a score to settle, a reputation to uphold, an ax to grind. And I cared because it would just give them one more reason to give me shit. I was not a fighter like Jake, not even that good at wrestling for fun. My history preordained me to be the victim and it was a role I flourished in.

Before I could verbalize my concerns that the tide was too low, the water too rough, Jake bolted, throwing his body off the cliff, a ferocious howl echoing against the cliff walls, cut short as he hit the water. Embry and Quil were at my side in an instant and all three of us leaned over searching the waters for any sign of him.

In the distance we could hear the hoots and hollers from the beach. At least they witnessed his jump. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw his head emerge from the water; he was floundering in the angry waves but making steady progress towards shore. He did it! He finally jumped from the highest point on the reservation and I felt pride in his accomplishment.

"You jumping, Eddie?" Embry said in an excited voice.

I hadn't really planned on it, but I could understand why Embry thought I might. Where Jake went, I went. It was my way of blending in, being one of the boyz, appearing normal when I usually felt anything but. And Jake wasn't a bad person to mimic. Other than Paul and to a lesser extent Jared, he had no real enemies on the reservation. In fact even given his youth, he was respected by the elders and younger generation alike. I shuddered to think what my fate would have been if I hadn't been accepted back into the fold by him and the others after the Cullens abandon me.

The last thought made my heart seize. I could almost hear Emmett's good natured razzing just before Rosalie thunked him over the head, chastising me for even considering something so reckless. In the distance, I saw Jake stagger from the water towards Paul and Jared who greeted him with unexpected enthusiasm, thumping him on the back excitedly. It was then that he turned to acknowledge us, waving his hand in a more visible version of thumbs up. In retrospect, I don't think he was encouraging any of us follow him. He had done what he set out to do, jump from the top with his biggest nemesis looking on. He wouldn't need a validation that he was incredibly stupid for attempting the risky jump so late in the day but I couldn't fathom turning around and walking down the cliff with Quil and Embry. The ridicule from the idiots with him would be unrelenting and unlike Quil and Embry, I wasn't truly part of the tribe. It would be just another reason to give me shit. So without saying a word to my boys, I followed Jacob's footsteps and sprinted towards the edge.

In the end, I didn't get it quite right which shouldn't have surprised me. Despite all my good intentions, I usually managed to fuck something up. If there was a harder road to follow, I would inevitably take it. It was as if I was fated to face challenge after challenge but never rewarded for overcoming the obstacles thrown in my path. As if there was some master force in the universe destined to make my life a living hell. But even being so presumptuous as to believe I warranted the special attention of God or some other higher being that would favor me with bad luck for all-time, I wasn't predisposed to changing my lot in life, wasn't inclined to save myself from myself. I'd come to assume the worst and it was never unexpected when bad karma would pay me a visit.

Propelling myself from the cliff as Jake had done, my foot hit a rock or root or a depression in the ground and I stumbled forward finding myself in the unenviable position of being unable to stop my momentum towards the cliff ledge, yet losing the forward propulsion that would launch me away from the sheer cliff wall. When I stepped into thin air I was leaning forward and somersaulted into open space, black water…gray sky…black water…gray sky…black water…gray sky. The fall itself was not overly terrifying. I heard a steady stream of cuss words from somewhere above me but even they were not particularly alarming. I was not going to land on my feet and it would hurt like hell.

But it didn't hurt. I didn't feel a thing; just a weightlessness that was accompanied by complete silence except for the muted rumbling of the bombardment of waves crashing into rocks. I knew I entered the water head first and I briefly considered how inaccurate it was to say that hitting water was like hitting concrete. I was pretty sure that if I hit concrete head first I would be dead; but I wasn't dead, I was floating.

At some point, whether through a physical sensation of being unable to breathe or a conscious thought that I was underwater, I realized I was drowning. I didn't feel the burn in my lungs from lack of oxygen or the panicky feeling of being smothered or even the terror of knowing that I was about to die, just an odd melancholy and a recognition that I no longer needed to worry about anything anymore.

My past…my future, it didn't matter and I wasn't afraid because I wasn't alone. I saw Bella's face looking concerned but oddly tranquil and over her shoulder was Carlisle, his expression serious and for lack of a better word, parental. A very sad Esme was silently shaking her head, her caramel hair billowing out around her in the water and the others their faces stone-like but their strange gold eyes showing compassion and an empathy for my situation.

And then I was floating, drifting in the darkness, bright colors of light exploding all around me; my vision diluted, like I was looking through a prism, nothing completely in focus. There was no pain; it was peaceful, just a feeling of being held in the tender arms of a motherly embrace; an embrace that I'd never truly experienced before. My own mother had never embraced me and even having known the security of having Esme's arms around me, they were hard, the grip rigid and no matter how she tried to convey it through shear will, it was never a warm embrace. This was something completely different, unfamiliar and even disconcerting; it just felt wrong and so I struggled against it.

Then I saw other faces, the unwelcome faces of Paul and Jared, their expressions comical in their confusion and there was Jacob, hovering over me, his lips were moving, he was talking to me but try as I might, I couldn't hear a word he was saying. When I tried to look beyond them I saw only blackness; the others were gone and I couldn't follow them, I couldn't move.

Author Notes:

I've never embraced Jacob and the Quileutes, however there is a very good reason that I've included them in Edward's circle of friends and it will be revealed in later chapters.

Unlike my past stories, I am going to try to keep these chapters shorter so I can manage them better. Ten thousand word behemoth chapters become little mini stories all on their own and it is time consuming to edit and revise them.

Feedback would be appreciated, especially since I feel I'm floundering a little with this human Edward.

Thanks for reading.