USE SOMEBODY

Chapter One

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

"The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert

The house loomed in front of her like a fallen monument, a ruined and dusty memory. Even though she had already been back for two weeks, she still hadn't gotten used to being back in the house of her childhood, sleeping in the bed where she had laughed, cried, and dreamt so many things, and walking through the rooms that held so many ghosts. It felt like she couldn't look at anything or touch anything without being jolted by some long-forgotten memory. She couldn't stand it. This house, that had shaped her into what she'd ultimately had to run from, was going to drive her insane.

She'd needed to come back. There was no doubt in her mind about that. Her father's years of binge drinking had inevitably caught up with him and the doctors weren't sure exactly how much time he had left. He had only agreed to see a doctor after collapsing one morning and after she had begged and pleaded with him to seek help. The prognosis was exactly what she had feared: liver cancer. And so like it or not, she was back in Charming.

She had completely forgotten how difficult it was to keep a low profile in Charming. It was a small town, too small, and any news, especially the return of the ex-girlfriend of the local biker gang's heir apparent, was going to spread like wildfire. All she could do was keep her head down and stay out of the way. Hell, she even drove to the next town over to buy her groceries for the sheer dread of running into anyone who might recognize her…and that was pretty much everyone.

Of course it didn't help that the medical director at St. Thomas had somehow talked her into taking a position in the ER. Dr. Sanchez had picked up on her restlessness and had used it as leverage, as most doctors do, and had appealed to her need to 'have something to do while she wasn't sitting alone in an empty house or sitting next to a hospital bed', as he had so aptly put it, with the assurance that her position could be as temporary or as long-term as she wanted. Truth be told, she wasn't sure which need was greater…the restlessness or the mounting pile of medical bills that had ultimately swayed her.

So now after running away from this town to pursue her dream of becoming a doctor, among other things, she had come full circle and was working at the same hospital where she and all her ghosts had been born and where some had died. Needless to say, she wasn't particularly happy about it. At least, like Dr. Sanchez said, the job was a welcome distraction from the shit that was piling up on her life. If it wasn't a violent stalker ex-boyfriend, it was a dying father and if it wasn't that, it was having to inevitably come face to face with her past in Charming. At this point, her position at St. Thomas was the lesser of all the evils surrounding her.

And the longer she was in town, the harder it was to escape that past. She was starting to see his face everywhere, especially in all the places where her memories of him were so strongly rooted. Every time she drove past the diner she had slaved at all through high school, she could almost see him waiting for her in the parking lot, perched on his bike with his overlong golden hair blowing lightly around his face, his blue eyes sparkling as he waited to drive her home. And then there was the park, where they had spent too many heated nights…she could almost taste him…smell his sweat…it was almost as painful as driving past Teller and Murrow, the last place she had seen him and the last time she had seen the heartbroken eyes that haunted her. There were too many places in this town that held painful memories for her; no wonder it felt like she hardly ever left the hospital.

There had been one moment in the dead of the night, during her first week back, where she had sworn she heard the roar of a bike in front of the house. Before she could stop herself, she sprang to the window to search for him but the bike had already flown down the street and away from her.

With a sigh, she fell onto the couch after a long day of visiting her dad; she had an ER shift in less than three hours and she desperately needed sleep. Her eyes had just begun to close when the door bell rang. What the hell…

She felt her heart pounding wildly in her chest as she hesitantly opened the door. There were only a handful of people that could possibly be at her doorstep and they weren't particularly anyone she wanted to see anytime soon.

The sight of the dark-haired, perfectly manicured, Jimmy Z-clad woman on her door step was enough to make her skin crawl.

"Hello, Gemma," she sighed, wincing slightly.

Gemma smirked and crossed her arms at her chest. "Hello, Tara."

"What can I do for you?"

"Well, I just figured I'd stop by and see how you're doing."

Tara frowned and unconsciously tightened her grip on the door handle. "Ok…um…would you like to come in?"

Gemma smiled tightly and nodded once before stepping into the house. She glanced around with a slight smirk at the pile of newspapers and dirty clothes and the even more daunting mountain of cigarette buds, dirty dishes, and empty beer bottles.

"Well, nice to know some things don't change," she grinned, "how do you manage to find any spare time for that new job of yours when you have such a mess to clean up here?"

Tara gritted her teeth and blew out a long sigh. God, the woman had only been in her house of less than thirty seconds and she already wanted to punch her in the face. Just like old times. But, things were different now. She was ten years older and wiser and she couldn't waste any time or energy on any of that old shit. It just wasn't worth it anymore. Especially when the old battle Gemma seemed to want to fight wasn't a battle she even wanted anymore.

"Do I even want to know how you knew I was back or that I was working at St. Thomas?" She sighed.

Gemma chuckled and shook her head with a dramatic eyeroll. "Come on, sweetie. You know what people in this town are like: they talk. Hell, I knew within two hours of you being back here."

"Well, it's nice to see some things never change," Tara muttered under her breath.

Gemma chuckled again as she gingerly tapped a pile of dirty dishes with her heel. "You need any help with this? I can send a Prospect over if you—"

"Why are you here, Gemma?" Tara cut in.

Her mouth curved to the right and she shook her head. "Ok. Let's cut right to the chase then. I have something for you."

"What?"

Gemma reached into her purse and pulled out an envelope. "Here…your father is an old friend of the club and Clay and I want to do what we can to help."

She peeked into the envelope and when she saw the $50,000 check, her mouth fell open. "Gemma…I can't take this…it's too much…no…"

"I don't know exactly how steep your dad's medical bills are but I do know that he drank almost every penny he had and that there's no way you can dig yourself out from under them by yourself. It won't be enough to cover everything but it should be enough for about half."

Tara shook her head furiously. "No…I can't take this…why would you…does…?"

Gemma just smirked again and perched a hand on her hip. "Yes you can. And like I said before, we're doing this to help your dad. He's been a good friend to us and he was a good friend to John. It's the least we can do. And no, Jax doesn't know we're doing this. It's none of his business anyways."

Tara just kept shaking her head. "It's too much, Gemma."

"No it's not. Look, I'm sorry for what's going on with your dad. He's a good man and he's dealt with a lot of shit over all the years I've known him.'

There was an awkward moment of silence.

"Thank you, Gemma. I appreciate what you're doing."

Gemma nodded and stepped closer to wrap her arms around Tara in a hesitant embrace. When she stepped back, she ran a hand through her hair and chuckled under her breath.

"And whether you believe it or not, I am sorry for what you're dealing with now too. That's a lot of shit to be resting on your shoulders. I wouldn't wish that on anyone."

"Even me?" Tara responded lightly.

"Yeah, even you." Gemma replied with a laugh. "And don't think this means I trust you and it definitely doesn't mean I like you."

Tara nodded and shoved her hands in her pockets. Of course, there was no way the past was going to be forgotten. She was going to have to live with the consequences of her actions.

"So how long are you going to be at St. Thomas?"

"I'm not sure…at least until…well, Dr. Sanchez told me I could stay as long as I wanted."

Gemma nodded slowly, a familiar hard edge masking her features. Within seconds, Tara recognized the look…she had seen it enough times that it didn't matter if it had been over ten years since she'd seen it. It was burned into her memory.

"Look, Gemma, I'm only back because of my dad. I needed the extra money and to be completely honest, I've been losing my mind being in this house by myself and I needed something to do besides sit by my dad's hospital bed and sit on that damn couch. I don't want to go into town because…well, the job at St. Thomas was just a means to an end. As soon as everything is resolved with my dad and I get this house in order so I can sell the damn thing, I'm going back to Chicago."

Gemma clenched her jaw and nodded quickly. "Good. Try to remember that…if you can."

Tara nodded and bit her lip. "Thanks for your help, Gemma. I think you should go now."

"Yeah, you're right." She started to leave but when her hand touched the door knob, she turned back around on her heel. "Look, I know I wasn't exactly the welcoming committee but I understand why you're here and whether you believe me or not, I think you're doing the a good thing here. I just hope everything gets resolved before anymore shit goes down. If your dad needs anything…or if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask the club, alright?"

"Thanks, Gemma."

She watched yet another ghost of the past walk out the door and quickly shut it behind her. She ran a shaky hand over her face and slowly sunk to the floor. While there was a part of her that felt she should throw open the door, chase after Gemma and return the money, the rational part of her was telling her she'd be stupid not to take it. Whatever Clay and Gemma's reasons, help was still help and she needed as much as she could get. There was no one else. No one but who she knew in Charming and even if they no longer considered her family, her dad still managed to somehow fit under the umbrella. And as much as she hated to admit it, Gemma was right. There was absolutely no way she could pay for all the current medical bills as well as all the unpaid ones she was just finding out about.

Now all she could do was pray that her dad found peace quickly…and that Gemma was the only ghost she'd have to come face to face with. And if she was lucky, she'd never have to come face to face with the scariest ghost of all.

It was only 3 a.m. and she still had five long hours to go before she could finally get out of there and get some much needed sleep. For the most part, her shift had been pretty uneventful so it was hard to complain but that didn't make the time fly by any faster.

With a bored sigh, she leaned against the nurses' station and rubbed her eyes tiredly.

"Can't we just get something to make it more interesting around here? I don't know…a drunk who knocked himself unconscious…something…" She sighed.

Nurse Engel came up next to her with a hearty laugh and rested an elbow on the desk. "Yeah, then we'll be cleaning up piss and vomit all night. Not exactly what we're looking for…"

Tara tried to laugh…but she was just so god-damn tired. Her eyes felt like they had ten pound weights attached to them and she didn't know how much longer she would be able to stay upright.

"Not sleeping well, hun?" Nurse Engel asked kindly, immediately picking up on the obvious.

"Huh? Oh…yeah." She rubbed her temples and blinked several times before taking a deep breath.

"You're working yourself to death, honey…you should take a rest. I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind right now and since we're dead, it wouldn't hurt to take a breather if you need it."

Tara nodded slowly and for a moment, her eyes shone with unshed tears. "Ok, thanks. Just, uh, page me if you need something. I'll just take a fifteen and then I'll be right back up here."

Nurse Engel smiled knowingly and nodded to her. "Sure thing. I'll just be sitting here waiting for something to do."

If Tara had had enough energy, she would've laughed. That lumpy couch in the rest area never felt so good.

Unfortunately, that fifteen minutes didn't last as long as she thought it would. It was only a matter of minutes before Nurse Engel's voice came rattling over the speaker: "Dr. Knowles to the ER! Dr. Knowles to the ER!"

Go figure, she thought hazily, finally get a break and then something finally decides to happen…

So within mere moments she was out the door and jogging down the hallway to see what was going on. There was definitely some sort of commotion in the ER; there was banging and some yelling from down the hall…whatever was happening was not exactly what she had meant when she said she wished it would get more interesting. Well, be careful what you wish for.

But when she saw the leather cuts, the dirt-crusted boots, and the crowd of domineering men wearing them…she skidded to a complete stop. For a moment, she just stared at them, taking them in one by one. There was Opie, who was now slack-jawed in front of her, and Tig, whose eyebrows furrowed deep in his forehead, an expression-less Clay, Piney and Bobby, who attempted a friendly wave, a few cuts she didn't recognize, and Gemma, whose eyes narrowed into dangerous black slits…which could only that…

It certainly didn't take a genius to figure out which of the SAMCRO members was lying in the hospital bed around the curtain. With her heart thumping wildly in her chest, she focused all her attention on the nurse who was spattering off the details she needed to know. Something about a bullet wound…through the shoulder…losing blood…and before she could untangle all her twisted emotions, the nurse pulled aside the curtain.

The eyes that had haunted her for ten years widened in shock for a fleeting moment and before her heart could miss another beat, his eyes morphed into ice, dead and expressionless despite the pain he had to be in.

With a deep breath, she spoke to him for the first time in ten years: "Hello, Jax."

He nodded once, not even wincing when Nurse Engel stuck a needle into his arm.

"Tara."

Cold and flat. Just like she had imagined it would be.

Be careful what you wish for was right. It looked as though Gemma wouldn't be the only ghost from her past haunting her that day.

A/N-So this is my first SoA fic. It's going to be more of an AU to Season 1 with some elements of Season 3 thrown in there too. Tara's secret has been hinted at...we'll see how that all plays out. Reviews are like gold to me...I love them and I need them! More coming soon...