Scarred

Hephaestion's body told the story of a violent, tumultuous life. Dark battle scars cut viciously across his skin.

And every one of those scars causes Alexander to quake with anxiety. Every mark turns his stomach with fear. All the dark, raised lines cutting over that beautiful skin pierce into Alexander's heart and twist it with apprehension.

Each one represents a time, a chance when Hephaestion could have been taken from him. A mark on his skin is a mark on Alexander's soul.

Hephaestion was a warrior, and had many scars. And as the two soul mates lay together in bed now, not a single one went unnoticed by the King. The marks were all counted and scrutinized. A scar from the brush of a sword was a brush with death.

Each bump, each tiny scratch, was the equivalent of a fatal wound in the King's eyes. It did not matter how small, how insignificant; they all threatened his reason to continue breathing.

He wished he could kiss away each mark, and the painful thoughts and memories attached to them. But he could not. Each one remained a black mark in Alexander's life.

Some scars Alexander could easily connect to times and places, because of the great worry and pain that came with them.

His eyes rested on the curved scar above Hephaestion's left eye. It had been a relatively small wound, as was the one just under the same eye; but as always they created feelings of worry and pain for the King. But that is not why those scars are so memorable to Alexander. It is because of his beloved's behavior after he had received the injuries.

Once the General had known that very soon he would have dark marks marring his face he avoided Alexander for days. For the life of him Alexander could not figure out why his love had behaved so strangely. He tried in vain to get Hephaestion to spend any time with him, talk to him.

In the King's presence Hephaestion would duck his head and avert his gaze, as if he were ashamed. The pain Alexander felt from his beloved's aloofness and cold shoulder far exceeded that which he experienced while Hephaestion was injured.

Alexander grew frustrated and hurt. His heart ached for Hephaestion's love. His mouth ached for Hephaestion's lips. His hands ached for Hephaestion's body. His body ached for Hephaestion's touch.

Each passing day tortured Alexander more, until he could not stand it any more. Just as any desperate man backed into a corner would do, he used all means necessary to secure his place back into Hephaestion's heart. He did something he had never done before.

He had used his Kingly authority to order his General to come speak to him and tell him exactly what was wrong. Alexander still felt guilty to this day for doing it, for abusing his power in such a way, especially towards his Phai.

But it had worked.

The General was ordered to the royal tent, formally. As he had no other choice, Hephaestion complied.

Alexander had demanded to know what he had done to cause this distant attitude in his normally warm and loving Phai.

Hephaestion had turned the left side of his face away from his beloved as he spoke softly, "I did not think that you wished to see me, Sire"

Alexander was taken aback at that statement, "That's absurd! Why in the world would I not wish to see you, Phai? How could you think that? Did I do something?"

The General's head remained cast down in shame.

"I thought that since my face is no longer what it once was, you would not wish to see me." He explained.

All at the same time Alexander wanted to kiss Hephaestion to assure him, laugh at him for being so stupid, and punch him for even considering for a moment that his beauty is all that Alexander treasures in him.

Since he was sure that his Phai would not respond well to the latter two, he settled for the former. He took his beloved's face in his hands and kissed all along the lines of both scars, and then firmly kissed his Phai's mouth.

The King could feel Hephaestion dissolve into the kiss and soften at his touch. Tension left his body as his fears were laid to rest by his lover's reaction.

Then Alexander pulled away saying, "These scars do not diminish your beauty one bit. Your face could be cut to bits and you would still be the most beautiful thing that I could ever behold. I love you, Phai. Nothing in the world could change that, especially not two tiny scars. I am in love with you; your mind, your soul, your heart. I am not in love with your face."

Even now, as Alexander lay examining Hephaestion's sleeping features; he smiled as he thought of the glorious expression that came over his Phai's face when he spoke those words. It was like watching the sun suddenly break through the gloom of a cloudy day, with such brilliance and light that you must stand in awe of the splendor.

Alexander's eyes traveled further down his lover's body. They observed the large scar engraved on Hephaestion's right shoulder. He ran his fingers over the darkened, puckered skin and cringed at the memories that followed.

This wound, from an enemy spear, had been a severe one. The deep puncture from the spear head made it especially painful and difficult to heal.

The physicians did the best they could, but the General still lost a great amount of blood, and spent many days in agony.

The scream that came from Hephaestion when they pulled the spear out still echoed in Alexander's ears and pulled at his heart.

The wound would have killed a lesser man.

Eyes traveling further down the body that he knew better than his own, Alexander shuttered at the deep scar slicing across Hephaestion's leg. The cut on his thigh should not have been life threatening. But an infection set in.

The King would not leave his side for a week as the General lay in a fever, sweat glistening on his brow, body shivering. Hephaestion had spiraled downward as the infection festered. His mind lost full clarity. Physicians worked day and night to keep the fever down and rid his body of the parasitic infection.

The King could not have been moved from his Phai's bedside by the gods. He refused all food. He drank only water. He clearly remembers punching someone who suggested that he get some sleep.

Then, by some great miracle of the gods, the fever broke and Hephaestion's body was able to start fighting the infection. Alexander was the first thing Hephaestion saw when he became fully lucid once more.

All of these moments when he could have lost his Phai still terrified Alexander. Even now with Hephaestion secured firmly in his arms, he trembled at the memories. He trembled at the thought of being alone in this world, at the thought of loosing the other half of his soul.

It would have been easier to carve out his own heart than be separated indefinitely from his beloved.

He would not survive losing Hephaestion, he was sure of it.

Reliving all those memories of near loss had shaken Alexander to the core. His mind now raced at the thought of separation from his beloved.

As if sensing the turmoil going through his Xander's body, Hephaestion awoke. His eyes fluttered open and Alexander drank in the sight of his clear blue orbs.

Hephaestion sat up slightly at the sight of Alexander's face. The worry etched into his King and beloved's features caused him to be suddenly awake.

"What is it?" he asked softly.

Alexander just stared into his eyes, intently.

"Xander?" Hephaestion reached out and laid a comforting hand on his arm.

So suddenly that it took him by surprise, Alexander took Hephaestion's face into his hands.

"You can never leave me." He said in a voice that was all at once strong and demanding, yet dependent and fearful.

The warm brown gaze he was so accustom to bore into the General's eyes.

Hephaestion almost laughed at his King's command.

"Where else would I go?" he replied with a playful, but sincere grin.

Alexander shook his head.

"Even in death," he said, "you cannot leave me"

This comment clarified to Hephaestion his love's frame of mind.

He moved his hand slowly to Alexander's face and tenderly smoothed away the tension between the King's golden eyebrows.

"Not even then." Hephaestion said, saying anything to calm his Xander.

Alexander's gaze intensified as he said, "Promise me. Promise me that you will not leave me to face this world alone. Promise me that I may go first."

Hephaestion could not understand why Alexander was behaving this way. What had gotten him so worried, he could not say. Whatever it was, it had thoroughly shaken him.

Hephaestion wanted only to rid his love of this pain he was feeling.

And so he made a promise he could not be guaranteed to keep.

"Alright, my Xander. You may go first."

Alexander collapsed into the arms of his lover and held him so close you would have thought that something was attempting to tear Hephaestion from him at that very moment.

"I can't be without you." The King whispered. "I am nothing without you."

So I actually wrote this a while ago, but wasn't that impressed by it. So I kinda abandoned it in my files. But I came across it today and felt bad for the poor thing, so I made a few changes and decided to post it anyways. Hope that it's alright...

Hopefully you recognize the significance of the last line...

So, did I make a good decision or should this have been left in the unknown abyss of my computer software...? Please review and tell me what you think! :)

xxcrazymacxx